Stuck in a loveless marriage, not had relations for four years
My husband and I have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. We have not had intercourse in 4 years as he has developed a physical condition but he refuses to see a doctor or get help.
He keeps trying things he reads on the net but nothing works. Wtiding speak to each other for weeks and sometimes months. We are 2 people living in the same house sleeping in different rooms, raising kids.
Hfeted uses to talk about it and if we do tells me that if I want to I should leave but I stay for my kids sake.
What does Islam say??
-draba
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Asalaam alaikum,
Surely ignoring the problem is not healthy nor Islamically sound. If he continues this way and completely refuses to get help, though you need to have your sexual needs fulfilled, then this can be your cause for separation and eventual divorce.
However, it's important to tell him that you do not wish for this and that one part of your happiness is to achieve mutual pleasure together. Tell him that you want to see him happy and fulfilled, and that you would love to be his wife that gives him that excitement and love in return.
One way to encourage your husband to seek help is by sleeping together again. Sleeping apart is a procedure of Islamic separation, so you should not do this right now if you are not seeking that avenue. Dress beautifully for him in the home even if he fails to respond in physical excitement. Talk sweetly to him and caress him on other parts of his body. Make it point to do this for each other with other forms of intimacy such as massages, bathing together and the like. Though sexual intercourse is not possible right now, build up the foreplay part and the seduction. Do not get discouraged, buy pretty things to wear for him in the bedroom and always make yourself alluring to him. Treat him especially well with delicious meals that can also help alleviate his impotency. A natural change in a cleaner and healthier diet will help him!
Become his companion again, his friend and his lovely wife. Make him harp for you and reverse the coldness between you into a fire again. Since you two have been sleeping apart, he feels that he isn't missing much in that manner anymore, so you need to turn it around and show him differently. He will feel eager and more than likely see the importance of what he is failing to provide for you, sexually speaking.
This will have the effect of you two being naturally drawn to each other, bonding and being compassionate with each other. Remember that he is suffering and this is a cause of great turmoil for him, but of course, he cannot neglect you, either. If you feel so inclined, for now he can use the other parts of his body to help you achieve sexual fulfillment. Explore this part of your sexuality with him by him using his hands and mouth to help you be fulfilled. Kiss him a lot, hold him and gently pet each other. Even during the day when he is home from work, take time to cuddle, place your head in his lap so that he may stroke your hair and make time for each other. When he leaves home, send him texts of kindness and love. Say, "I need you," "I miss you," and "I love you." Regain the sweet talk and love play.
If you love him, help him to find the courage by making a commitment to give your marriage another shot and try to foster that compassion and mutual care for each other.
It's also important to note that he must seek medical advice quickly. He cannot wait so long because his inability to get an erection may be caused by serious maladies such as heart issues, blood circulation problems or even tumors, God forbid. There are so many danger signs he could be ignoring, so implore him to get help not only to save your marriage and sexual fulfillment, but possibly to save his life, too.
May Allah (swt) help you quickly in the best manner possible.