Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Suffering from Poor Self-Esteem which is drastically affecting me emotionally

Thoughts and thinking

This might be a rather unusual and peculiar post to share, and the things I call "problems" might seem somewhat childish and typical to people, but still I decided to share my problem since if I leave it unsolved, it will really affect my future life.

I'm 16 years old, just about to join college. I suffer from terrible self-esteem and can't find any solution to strengthen it. I usually feel quite insecure while talking to people, sometimes even when the person is close to me. From within I deeply wish to converse with the people around me, but often when I speak, I feel really insecure and don't express as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I end up stuttering, and when I do, I feel extremely inferior to other people around me who have better conversational skills.
But it doesn't happen always. At times, I'm rather quite confident.

And when I think the other person isn't paying much attention to what I'm saying, I feel somewhat sad and deem myself as unwanted and uninteresting.
I also refrain from starting or taking part in discussions because I fear that I might not speak confidently and that people will judge me as being unintelligent.

I feel extremely embarassed when I make little mistakes, even when I know the people around me won't really care about me making those mistakes. Sometimes I even refuse to take help from other people, thinking that seeking help is a sign of inferiority.
Such feelings negatively affect me in the sense because this low self-esteem or low self-confidence sabotages my inner happiness and keep me from living and enjoying in the present moment. I fear too much about rejection, failure, and negative judgment.

I perform Salah regularly and pray to Allah that He finds me a way out of this needless insecurity and fragile self-esteem. I know Allah will absolutely help me and that He never rejects anyone's prayers but makes them come true when the best time comes.
However, apart from praying, I must myself also instill feelings of determination and confidence within myself, but I often end up resorting to the same negative emotions of low self-esteem and inferiority when I come across people, whether they're new people, or old ones. I can't find any solution to this issue.

Please, pray for me and help me by giving suggestions on how to redeem myself. Is there any Islamic solution related to this? I mean, a dua, or something? I know the dua Prophet Musa (A.S) made for his stutter.

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5 Responses »

  1. yes this is normal actually, majority of teens suffer from this anxiety.
    some who are overly confident in their teens ive observed are the dumb type of kids.
    anyway, so do not obsess about being treated right or being rejected

    if you stutter, clean your voice and speak clearly;
    if you think people didnt hear your, establish eye contact and speak louder;

    Youve mentioned that all your insecurities are within yourself, well then you and your mind is creating problems, not the world around you.
    i dont know of Duas to make some one confident and less awkward in a social setting, i just know that you will grow out of this, just dont listen to your insecurities, we all have voices in our heads, but we cant listen and obey them all, not especially when most of those voices are from Satan.

    so calm down, stop taking your thoughts and actions so seriously, and stop punishing your self for "mistake" you think you made.

  2. Young man, you are quite intelligent and self aware at your age.
    At your age, you are still in the learning phase of life, not that one stops learning ever. Your age group is expected to have good knowledge about certain things and to be equally clueless about many other things. So you will know what to talk about in some cases and you will falter at others. Relax! You are normal.
    Instead of reminding/reaffirming negative points, keep telling yourself that it is OK to fail but you must gather yourself and move ahead.
    Nobody is perfect at all times and at all places, we all falter and make mistakes. That is what makes us human.
    If you cannot put a point across, think when you are on your own of how you could have said it better. Observe your elders. If somebody laughs at what you say, be a sport and join the joke.
    We cannot always know what to do in every situation, hence we need to consult others and take their help. It is not a weakness, rather a sign of strength of mind and of knowing your own self. Wouldn't you like to help if somebody asked you for your opinion or help. Strong people not only consult others but they also uplift others when they need help. That is the circle of life.
    You seem capable of much goodness and success, not only for yourself but for others around you too. If you keep judging yourself negatively, with age it will turn to resentment and bitterness and hold you back. You will resent the success and carefree attitude of those around you.
    So, next time you have a negative thought, replace it with a positive one and tell yourself you can do it.
    Pray to Allah SWT, to grant you positivity, to grant you success and believe it with all your heart that you will be granted what you long for.
    And pray for me too. Jazakallah!

  3. Assalam-o-aliakum
    Brother,these problems are self created,and you can only overcome over all these problems by yourself.
    Be confident that you will do this with ease!your going to join college,the best place to talk or interact with one another.the one who spoke effectively and in good manner is not a good communicator but the one who also listen to other's point of veiw.so,listen to other..Never show impulsive reation always think twice before you speak.and where is your family,best friend? look,everybody have demerits and everybody wants to end them so in this manner we need each other help.so,share these things with your family(the close one) best friend and practice communicational skills with them.last but not the least,be a part of a family.talk to your younger brother/sister..listen their small worries and try to solve them,with humble communication.Also take part in family conversation. this is very useful!
    so,let me reveal a secret on you!!
    I was facing the same problem which is now your headache.but i never take it as much seriously and just follow these instruction.
    Hope that helped,
    May Allah reduce your worries!
    Allah(S.W.T)knows best,and guides us best.

  4. That is common amongst people more or less...but the fact is we are all subject to test until we breath are last....The solution to all problems...is basic and not complicated but it is hard for many who mended there ways and see what they want to believe.....The truth is mention in the 1st page of sura baqarah....very basic....Next praying 5 times a day and perfecting it.....2nd Reading quran daily....why quran is connecting with Allah ,it gives you happiness love peace strength blessings in life and most of all it keeps SHAITAN away from whispering evil. We should keep away from all haram food music bad people t.v...you know better. ..Attending the sunni mosque Getting involved with the groups that help poor find raising kids programs attending lectures....There so much...and meeting new friends who know what this world is about.....On the other hand we try to make a career for ourselves so we can be independent an use our wealth to help poor .....because we will be asked about this body and the wealth that we had.....You should also read manzil or listen to it be in wudu all times....cleaness is part of Iman....the manzil can be downloaded or YouTube. ..this is a powerful duas by prophet himself to remove any jinn or blk magic doNE on you......So you have to be honest with yourself what you want in life.....because those who disobey Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH will live a hard life and punishment will be waiting in the herafter!

  5. Hi Brother,

    I had these problems once and overcame them by basically forcing myself to call people, talk to people, do things that were uncomfortable (but not too uncomfortable! No reason to torture yourself) for me. Through doing so, I found that some people actually wanted to talk to me, despite my feelings.

    It's positive that you are starting college and have a fresh start. Remember that people you will meet will be from all walks of life and have different backgrounds, goals, dreams, interests. My guess is that you will find at least 1 or 2 people that you are comfortable with if you keep an open mind to communication. It sounds like you have some social anxiety and putting yourself in situation that challenge you might give you positive reactions that you were not expecting, and this will build your confidence for more interaction. Share of yourself and others will insha allah share of themselves! If you find that the problem persists, you could go to your university counseling center for further advice.

    I believe in you!

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