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woman worried about her husband's behaviour

Salam Aleikum,

I am not really someone that likes to discuss ongoing problems but with what is going on now I would like to believe that a problem shared is a problem half solved.

We are a family of five children and we lost our mum six years ago. Its been hard without her i must say because I sometimes think maybe things would have turned out differently if she was alive. My Dad is alive and tries his best to be a good father but I believe his upbringing did not help him much as he wasn't raised in a steady home and was tossed from one family to another.

(His father died when he was young and the mother remarried but the step-dad refused to accept him). But somehow, I think he finds it difficult to handle the emotional aspect of things and gets very panicky and tosses blame when things go wrong.

My eldest sister is a beautiful person, inside and out but has been through so much pain in life that I feel so terrible for her about it. She has sacrificed so much for us, her siblings and immediately took up the role of mother for us when our mother passed on. However, she found it difficult to get a husband. She relocated from the United Kingdom to our home country after our mum passed after a lot of hassle from family and friends that she should come back home to find a husband and a job but for a very long time, she didn't get either.

She was always so depressed then that she would cry every time on the loss of our mum and the fact that she wasn't moving forward in life. Eventually, she got a job and at that job, met a man who she eventually married. Before she got married to this man, she realised from the behaviour of her mother-in-law that she did not exactly like the idea of them getting married but when she told the man she was no longer interested in getting married to him since it seemed his parents, especially his mother did not like the idea, the man went to discuss with the mother who later called my sister and more or less approved of the union.

Upon her marriage to this man, she got pregnant with their first child, but she ended up losing that child after about 7 months of being pregnant because she became hypertensive due to the problems form the marriage. ( Her husband resigned abruptly from work because he could not get along with his boss, which required her to work harder at work and made her think a lot about how they would cope after the baby came. Her in laws also did not make things easy for her and are always in their business).

It eventually got to the point that they had to operate on my sister and take the baby out prematurely or risk losing her if she continued with the pregnancy. Upon receiving information about the proposed cesarean section, my brother in law vanished and refused to sign the papers for the operation (He eventually told my sister that it was his mother that told him not to sign them). My sister had to sign the papers by herself and unfortunately lost the baby because it was premature and adequate medical care was lacking.

After that happened, they kept having money problems and it was my sister that was providing for the family. Eventually, my brother-in-law got another job that was paying less than what he was earning before and did not even provide any form of job security. My sister got pregnant again and because of her history with the previous pregnancy, decided to use her money to fund her travel and health expenses outside the country so she could get access to better healthcare, she however had to resign from her job to do this, because they were unwilling to give her the job promotion she was promised and refused to give her the requisite time off to manage her health during the second pregnancy.

She eventually traveled out of the country but before she did, submitted her husband's cv to a better company than he was at. My bro-in-law got called for an interview at this new company and didn't have money to go because it was far from where they lived so she gave him the money to go for the interview. Eventually he got the job at the new place before the new baby was born and it seemed everything would work out, but immediately my sister got back, her in-laws started butting in again. Showing up at their house without invitation or even informing them and even condemning my sister's way of doing things.

Even the sister-in-laws seemed to hold a grudge and never for once even took water at my sister's place whenever they visited. In my tradition, it is considered a sign that there is good heartedness where when a person visits and is offered something to eat or drink, even if its water, that the person takes something to show that there are no ill feelings. My sister's in-laws never took a sip of water talk less of food whenever they visited their home.

My sister put to bed and had a beautiful baby girl. (My sister stayed with our youngest sister for the duration of her pregnancy). After the birth of the child, her in-laws visited more often and always had something crude to say. At some point her mother-in-law told her that once the daughter stops breastfeeding, she would come and take her from my sister, which my sister and her husband never allowed.

The new job my brother-in-law got required him to relocate to another state and he came home weekends or every other weekend. Whenever he came home or his parents heard that he was coming home, they would complain that he was coming home too often and that he should stop coming home as much and save the flight money for the future. When all the drama got too much for my sister, and even though her chances of getting a job would be slimmer in the other state, she opted to move there to be with her husband. When she got there, things got a little bit better, and even though the family interference was still there, it was reduced.

A year after my sister moved, the security situation in that part of the country worsened and with that getting more and more brutal with the loss of many lives, she and her husband discussed and they decided that they would relocate back to the state they moved from (which is where the in-laws stay). Their agreement was that my sister would move first and try and get a job and that my bro-in-law would stay back in that state till he gets a transfer in the job he is in or get a new job. (This agreement was put in writing as they both discussed the pros and cons of moving and the pros outweighed the cons).

My bro-in-law said he was so sure about the decision they had made and asked my sister to start house hunting immediately, which my sister came down to do. (as it turned out, my bro-in-law was so sure about the decision only because his job was threatened at that time). My sister after going through a lot of stress, (i know, because we searched together) eventually found a flat for them. All that time, her husband refused to tell his parents about the plans to move and kept saying it was none of their business.

Eventually after they had paid for the flat, her husband revealed their plans to my dad and the in-laws,and all my dad told them was to think carefully before making a move back and pray about it. However, the in-laws were totally against it. Their reasons were that my sister would be out of a job and that it was not worth them moving back when she would not have a job and that their son would have to travel down weekends to see his family like he did before they moved. They called my dad and reported them to him and my dad told them that they are adults and should be left alone to make decisions for themselves.

While all this drama was ongoing, my sister found out that she was pregnant. At first she was worried about it because it meant she would not be able to get a new job like she had expected and discussed with her husband about it, that they could sublet the flat they had paid for and they would stay back where they were. But my brother-in-law refused and told her that that would make him work harder to move back and that the reasons they made the decision to move had not changed (His job was still at stake at this time.) (The reasons to move back were: 1. Better security 2. Better and cheaper schools for the kids 3. Better job prospects and job security)

After all said and done, my sister moved back with their daughter and enrolled her in school. Herself and her husband decided not to tell the in-laws about the pregnancy because they would only say things that would make her feel bad and would worsen her health condition. I was planning my own wedding around this period and my sister was helping me with it. She did not want her in-laws to know she was pregnant so she did not see them until my wedding day and planned t travel the next day. She however had a fight with her husband some days before my wedding.

On my wedding day, the in-laws saw her and were very angry. It also turned out that my bro-in-law had gone to tell them about their fight so immediately after the wedding, he told her that his parents wanted to see her and talk to her and out of respect she went there. Immediately they saw her, they told her to get on her knees (even though she was heavily pregnant) that she is a spoiled and proud. They then told their son that he's stupid for allowing his wife control him and went on and on to humiliate her. (they also said things about us, her siblings that they were not in any place to say)

That night, my sister was so upset that she told her husband that she wanted a divorce. He however begged her and when my dad heard, he said no child of his is getting divorced (I think he cares more about public image than how we feel). My sister forgave her husband and thought they could make it work. She traveled the next day with their daughter since she is too young to be left alone with any of us and she was scared of leaving her with the in-laws. After my sister traveled the relationship between her and her husband has gotten worse.

I am not trying to be biased or anything, I know my sister has her faults, but my bro-in-law is a difficult and egoistic man,and I think he has surrounded himself with people that fuel his ego. He hardly ever calls my sister even though she is pregnant with his child and is taking care of his other child. My niece developed some form of eye infection and he hardly ever called to check up on her even when they operated on her eyes, he didnt call. My sister had to call him. My sister is presently staiyng with our brother now and last week, shee stopped feeling the baby kick.

She ended up going to the hospital and was told that there was no heartbeat for the baby and that she had suffered from IUFD. She has been in the hospital since then, waiting to have a virginal delivery which the doctors have said is better. I know that Allah is merciful and my prayer for her is that she finds ease soonest. The Qur'an says "Verily after hardship comes ease" and I hope and pray that she gets through this and remains strong.

Since this happened, my brother in law hardly ever calls her and even when she asked him to come over to help with their daughter because my brother has to work and my sister has to go back to school in the US, he said he could not that he was waiting for approval at work. After sometime now, his new excuse is that he does not have the money, when my sister offered to pay for his ticket he told her he could not come that our younger sister that is schooling in the US should take their daughter with her.

I sincerely do not understand what is going on with this man and I do not want to bealive that any reasonable man would do this to his wife and child but now with all that's happened, my sister has decided to divorce him. To tell the truth, I am in support of the divorce becusse they have not even been married for 4 years and it seems the problems are endless. My sister believes that there is some black magic involved and she does exactly trust her in-laws.

All i just want is for her to survive this and live a long and happy life henceforth. My heart is breaking seeing her go thru all this and I wish I could take her pain away. She feels so miserable and alone and I am trying my best to pray and be there for her, so please your advice and prayers on this situation would be very much appreciated.

Thank u.

~ Ruq