Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Suicidal because of my sexual thoughts

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Asalamu Alaikum all brothers and sisters in Islam,

I need advice if any of you are able. I am a grown man that has not been married yet. I have almost been married twice but was disappointed as I found out both these girls lied to me and hid things from me. I have made salatul istkhara and Allah has shown me these ladies are not the ones for me.

However this is not my problem. My problem is I have always been depressed growing up. Algamdullilah Allah is most merciful and have given me the ability to keep fighting. But what these girls have done was break my heart and made things worse for me.

The thing is I look at some males the way I am supposed to look at females only. I don't consider myself "gay" as I do not act on this. Yes I have indulged and I have made sincere tawba for this. I have not done things like this regularly it was just the times I couldn't handle it anymore and I need to release that urge I get. I don't want to go in to detail. But I am and have looked at males since I can remember.

I have not asked to be this way and its not by choice either. But this is the main reason why I am suicidal, as I am afraid I go down that road again. with the hopes of marriage and ghadj always in my heart its still not that easy to change things in your life if you don't have the power to do so. Yes I have made dua and tawba and I keep asking Allah to better me so that I can stop being the way I am, So that I can no longer have urges for the wrong things, and so that I can become a better muslim for the sake of ALLAH... But I get nowhere. Allah is my witness, what's in my heart is so different to what happens in my brain.

I haven't even touched on what is happening in my life. bare in mind this is since a young age of what I can remember probably 10 years old, maybe younger. There is so many other SICK things that I do not want to mention. Yes I used the word sick because even though I am a physically healthy functioning person, my brain is sick.

Now my question is, is it still haraam for me to take my life? or would it be better to do so before I fall into major sin again or even worse with the stuff that goes on in my head.

Bare in mind people, this is not my choice. Allah is my witness that things just pop into my head and it goes from one thing to the other. I have no control. I can only control my actions but the thoughts I can not. There's times I hate myself for being the way that I am. ok most the time, maybe I even hate myself all the time cause I don't ever remember myself saying that I love myself. I can't anymore and the thought of suicide is now a daily thing. What exactly am I supposed to do if I am such a sick person wanting to sin but force myself not to? I am so frustrated, alone, lost, broken, etc etc. What am I suppose to do????

Sir

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14 Responses »

  1. Assalam malaikum brother. You are not alone. I know there are places where such thoughts are illegal and dangerous to have. But for Allah. He knows what is in your heart. The people who claim to know what Allah judges are always wrong. There are many muslims who also are born this way the way Allah made us. There are those who have studied the Quran for years and find no reason for you to think there is anything wrong with you. Many Claim the story of Lut is evidence that being gay is evil. But really read the stories. It isn't what people say. There are many many gay iman and muslims. You are not alone brother. Only Allah may judge you. Reasearch for yourself and find these Imans who are understanding. People say Shaitan temps us this way. But no one has the power to take away your free will. You will be amazed by truth if you just stay strong and look for people who understand you. And do not pretend to know the will of Allah

    • Just to clarify something here, are you saying that homosexuality is allowed in Islam?!!

      • Sister, of course the brother is not saying its allowed in islam. He is simply commending the brother for despising such feelings, because there are even imams and muslims who think acting upon these thoughts is okay.
        I actually heard of a case in California where a homosexual imam opened up a mosque for gay muslims, Astaghfurullah.....but anyways, that's a whole nother story.

        My advice to the writer of this post is that perhaps this is Allah's(swt) test for you. As long as you do not speak of or act upon these feelings, inshAllah you should be fine. Just keep supplicating to Allah and asking Him(swt) to make it easy on you.

        In the meantime, keep yourself busy during your free time so that your mind is occupied with something else, and to help you distract your brain from such thoughts.

        Good luck, and don't give up. May Allah make this test easy on you.

  2. Aslaam brother. Okay 2 things u must do-
    Get some rukia done. Islamic healing. Maybe it's jinn possession and that thing puts these terrible thoughts in ur head bcos clearly u don't want to Act on it. U are not alone but get proper Rukia done. Which country are u from? If u are in the uk I can pass u some numbers. Please avoid dodgy peers who give tawvees/amulets.
    Second thing is try and get married asap!

    • I have the rukia recording I can always email that to you and you should listen to that everyday. Maybe start by praying more to try to become closer to Allah SWT. With reference to the suicide, in Islam you know this is wrong as well as homosexuality.

  3. Wa alaikum assallam bro may Allah help u out and gv u much taqwa in ur deen and faith ameen bro .....point to be noted ds is my view not fatwa
    Brother Allah said that the nearest person to Allah is the one who keep most taqwa and secondly Allah put some people in trial or test their faith and thirdly u should kno that Shetan Jin or iblees is ur worst enemy he will come to u in any form he will come from back from front from here and their to make u go astray in such a way that u totally loss ur faith hold on hold on hold on bro Allah test u or put u in trial through which ur heart is attach from childhood .
    Allah wanna see wether u love Allah the most and obey him or u misguide urself ? Allah said in Quran u think we believe and test u not ? So think that the temptation that u are having is just a test or trial u have to just kick that bludy iblees and love Allah and remeber one think no love is true then the love between Allah and his humble slave so try to attached ur heart more to Allah rather then ds world .
    When the point comes abt ur two marriages then I must say marriage is not an easy task no doubt if u keep pateince and if u take marriage Wd a good understand that sure it is easy I don't know what was the situation but u should try to maintain relation just for the sake of Allah I just tell u plz go for marriag and try to Maintain Relation Wd ur third wife life is so beautiful don't lose ur self in sucide don't put urself in hell and as one of them said for the ruqiya go for it read Astagfirullah as much as u can when any thaughtz arises u try to read Astagfirullah or divered ur mind in any good deed fear Allah much and fall in love Wd Allah much to so much of ibatad perform daily sallah five time do charity seat with pious people or listen so much Islamic speeches and whenever u free listen qiraat seating walking just do dhiker in shaa Allah u will be cure plz bro hold on ur faith it's just a shetan at the day of qayam a Shetan will say it was not me it was u who did the sin and indeed Allah said we created men and Jin just to worship him alone be happy healthy and wise may Allah show u the way ameen

    Be confident in ur faith I love Allah
    We all love Allah
    Salam

  4. Walaikum Salaam dear brother,

    I feel honored that you came here and asked for advise, because it shows that indeed you DO have a choice. My brother, you are correct in your belief that Allah (Most High) sees and understands you... And that you are only in control of your actions not necessarily your thoughts. With this in mind, let me sincerely advise you that you are NOT gay nor were you born "this way". This is the excuse and form of shirk that the jahiliyah and shayateen use against Islam, for homosexuality is truly TRULY a crime against Allah's command. I want to explain to you that it is Iblis who has instilled false desires in us: "I will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires; I will order them to slit the ears of cattle, and to deface the (fair) nature created by Allah." Whoever, forsaking Allah, takes satan for a friend, hath of a surety suffered a loss that is manifest. (Surah An-Nisa’, 119)" and
    "Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan's promises are nothing but deception (Surah An-Nisa’, 120)".
    My dear brother, I will be blunt with you so that you understand: Allah created both genders to be attractive and tempting. Men are equally as beautiful as women but in their own way that a woman can never be; and no feminine charm or beauty of a woman can ever be replaced by a man...each has their place/role to fulfill in nature and Islam. What many people do not understand, is that sexuality is actually a fluid thing, and thus the major emphasis in our amazing deen is to get married asap and lower/protect your gaze and chastity constantly. The thing is, this also means men should lower their gaze when seeing something attractive in other men, and women should do the same with women. Lowering your gaze should be for both genders and within genders!!!

    Shaytan, may Allah's curse be upon him, has made it so that we mistake our acknowledgement of Allah's amazing design into lust and then natural predisposition. If this seriously was the case than why does it make you feel guilty?! Why? Why do those who "are" homosexual feel super guilty before coming out and embracing their qareens and the hellfire? Because Ar-Rahman never makes a mistake in his creation... Ever. You are not gay and your depression/guilt is a gift that you should be thankful for.

    And now I have to address you my brother, and although this is a public platform I am only asking you to be honest with yourself, and if you share anything perhaps you might benefit others in your situation so be truthful. You said "The thing is I look at some males the way I am supposed to look at females only. I don’t consider myself “gay” as I do not act on this. Yes I have indulged and I have made sincere tawba for this. I have not done things like this regularly it was just the times I couldn’t handle it anymore and I need to release that urge I get. I don’t want to go in to detail. But I am and have looked at males since I can rememberI haven’t even touched on what is happening in my life. bare in mind this is since a young age of what I can remember probably 10 years old, maybe younger. There is so many other SICK things that I do not want to mention. Yes I used the word sick because even though I am a physically healthy functioning person, my brain is sick."
    From all of this I can assume that you are masturbating to gay porn, and that you might have been molested when you were younger (and either you remember it and are ashamed, or don't remember it) but ultimately you are confused because you feel/felt aroused, esp. from nude males.

    I want you to understand something without sharing my sins and details from my own past, because we ALL have a book to read on the day of judgment... If you are serious about changing your life for good and pleasing Allah, while living a life of Islam... DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! DON'T!!! You are worth so much more than you think, and you can overcome this test Insha'Allah. I'm sure you know this but no soul shall bear something it cannot handle... And apparently Allah knows you can handle this, Alhamdullilah. So to answer your question, it is VERY HARAM to take your life on anything, let alone this matter.

    I advise you to lower your gaze and purify your soul through living a life of true Islam. To address your porn addiction, there's this thing called NoFap and you should check it out, as well as a website called yourbrainonporn: research sexual taste being immutable and you'll find that no it CAN change esp. with porn use. And don't give up on marriage... Allah might have tested you with those girls to make you purify yourself to be worthy of your true soulmate;)

    I love you man, and please keep me and this ummah in your prayers. My advice was sincere out of love for you for the sake of Allah and the Messenger... So any offensive or wrong things are from me and not from them.

    Salaamualaikum,
    Ibrahim.

    • Asalam Alaikum Ibrahim.

      Bravo, very well written advice. Something no one on this site has ever been able to compile with such eloquence and relevance while keeping it short.

      I think every person going through such a phase should read this.

      In the end it just boils down to taking this up as a challenge from Allah and working towards an answer that we know already. Its a matter of 'how' and not a 'what' I suppose.

      Allah knows best.

      AAZA

  5. Assalamualaikum Brother (and everyone else),

    First of all, I would like to applaud you -- dear brother --- for your courage and strength to seek help. Indeed life is a struggle but sharing your problems without going into details is a brave thing to do. I would like to mention that it is best to always conceal your sins and allow Allah (swt) to shield and protect you from humility. A reminder to never disclose your sins to anyone but stand in front of Allah and beg for HIS mercy and forgiveness. Indeed Allah hears your cries and knows what is concealed in your precious heart! Asking for forgiveness is the best thing you can do. Whether you have thoughts or feelings towards a male or a female, both can be considered wrong (depends on who you speak to). And I agree with Ibrahim, men and woman are beautiful and we are attracted to some men or woman for a reason. But what is halal is halal and what is haram is obvious. It is a reminder to myself first and to you, as well that acting upon your wrongful urges and desires are sinful.

    And I agree with a lot of the previous responses -- ruqiya (Islamic healing) and begging Allah (swt) for forgiveness is something you should do to get better. We are all here to make dua'as for you but you need to take control and fight shaitaan (may Allah's curse be upon him).

    And dear brother, please look into your heart and do not take your life. Not because it is haraam but because every human being is worthy to be alive. I was listening to a lecture and Allah-u-akbaar, the scholar said that as long as you are alive, Allah (swt) is giving you a chance to repent. If you take your life (astagferullah), you are doomed. You will be in eternal hell fire. No one would like that for themselves or their loved ones, perhaps even for their enemies. May Allah (swt) protect us all. Ameen ya raab! We all struggle with something or another and believe you me, I even had suicidal thoughts but it is shaitaan who is making us weak in iman (faith). Remember that shaitaan told Allah (swt) that he will ruin our ummah and bring as many of us to hell fire. Let us repent, dear brother! Let us repent and remember Allah (swt). Ameen!

    Look at the bright side, you should be happy that you still have Allah's (swt) beautiful words on your tongue, remembrance in your heart and in your mind. That is a great start!

    I would suggest that you consult with an imam and start reading Qur'an everyday (if you haven't done so already). And, please dear brother seek some Islamic help (perhaps look into having ruqiya done). There could be a jinn inside you? Allah knows best.

    I could write a book for you but I will allow others to comment, as well.

    May this be a start to a beautiful ending. Remember our lives are in the hands of the Almighty; do not take your life even when you are the most weakest.

    We are all praying for you. We wish you the best in this life and the hereafter. And may you change around your life for the better, get married to a wonderful woman and help others who are struggling with the same issues. Ameen, ya raab!

    Take care and may Allah (swt) shine HIS glorious light onto you! Ameen!

    W'salaam,
    Sister-in-a-Hood

  6. Peace on to you my brother, I advise you to talk a trusted imam to do riqyah on you, there many people that have experienced things like this and they had a jinn in them to make the gay or someone put magic on them. Make sure anybody you go to do riqyah on you make isttikhara before you go to them, because there are magician that play to be good and religious but they are not. May Allah remove this desire from you in good way and guide you and strengthening you Ameen. May Allah bless you a good wife Ameen and may Allah give you and your love ones good life in this life and the next Ameen

  7. I will admit I am a person who is already a user on this site. I wrote this comment using a different username because of how ashamed I am.
    Most of you know me as an average user on this site, I advise people and stuff like everyone else.
    But I have an issue about sexual thoughts: disgusting, despicable ones.

    I'm not talking about typical sexual thoughts, no. They are becoming more and more bad, like thinking of the same gender, or even children...astagh....

    Like the thoughts are even stuff like rape, its so so so bad. I am extremely afraid because of these thoughts. I get an O every time I think about this stuff. What can I do? Since I get sexual feelings when I think of this stuff, does it count as rape? Must the same punishment for rape -- people who do the bad act to kids or just other people in general --be applied to me?

    I hope someone can advise me. I was on another forum and people tried to help, but then one person called me "Disgusting, SICK, bad, etc..." After that, more and more people spoke of me harshly and made me feel guilty and horrible.
    I know its not right of me to think of such things, but I didn't know it was that bad! But now I am freaking out because they made me feel like I was considered a person who committed the actual act.

    What can I do? Do I have to be punished for purposely indulging in such thoughts. I think some stuff I have done may have counted as masturbation because I had been sitting down against a chair, or laying on my stomach, or pressing my legs together while having THESE thoughts -- on purpose!!!

    I feel so so so guilty. I want to talk about it to my mom, but how do I break the news to her? I want her to know because I really need someone to talk to about this.

    Sorry this was long :/

    • I commend you for seeking advice and help with this, even after being condemned. I do not think you should share it with your mother. I suggest you try to see a professional therapist or counselor. Your talks with the therapist are confidential and cannot be shared with anyone. The therapist might be able to help you get to the root of why you are having these thoughts, so that you can clear them from your mind.

      A thought came to me and I was wondering if you were sexually molested as a child. It's common for victims of molestation to have similar fantasies or desires as they get older.

      In any case, Allah does not punish us for our thoughts. I think it's normal to have some deviant sexual thoughts. The key is that we do not act on them. You are not a sick or disgusting person. One day, Insha'Allah, you will get married and will have a healthy outlet for your sexual desire, and most likely these other thoughts will fade. In the meantime, do your best to push unhealthy thoughts away and not dwell on them. May Allah make it easy for you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • anonymous: I'm not talking about typical sexual thoughts, no. They are becoming more and more bad, like thinking of the same gender, or even children...astagh....

      What you want your mother to know about your sexual thoughts? You seem to be hypersexual. You could really get into trouble if you follow up your sexual thoughts with children. You could end up in prison.

      Do you have fears about sex with men?

      • This is like 2 months late....

        But anyways, you can go to prison for having those thoughts I previously mentioned? I did not know this.

        Also I said I wanted to tell my mother because I feel like I need an adult's help in this problem. The only problem is that I am afraid of telling her because I know I will get in huge, huge, hugeee trouble,,,but I just can't take this guilt anymore so I almost dont even care anymore

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