Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Angry, depressed, confused, ashamed and suicidal. How can I get back to normal life?

domestic violence

Assalamvalaikum brothers and sister ,

This is a follow up post to this thread:

Very stressed and suicidal over what is the right thing to do 

Brothers and sister! It all started a year ago last Ramadan. I started liking my sister in law's younger sister. We used to be friends before. In fact , I was fat. I went on a diet and jogged to get her to like me.

I used to do her assignments , give her gifts and chocolates etc. I used to spend nights crying thinking about her. Then one day i stopped. After that , I tried to start hating her. I was successful too for a while. After that I cut all contact with her except for bare minimum. But my feelings never died.

Then one day, the 11th of December, I told her not to contact me anymore since it will only hurt me and I'll keep liking her. Then I told her that it was because I liked her. After that I told her that she is a princess , she deserves someone much better than me and I will not interfere with her life and I will handle my feelings and emotions. I did not interfere with her for a week 🙁

On December 18th, she told me that she likes me too but her family will not agree and her sister also won't like it. I said fine and I just wanted to know if she likes me as well and would get married to me if given the choice. She said yes and i was happy.

We were still together, I do not know how but on December 21st, she again said her family will not agree and it will not work to which I again said , "thank you for the 3 most wonderful days of my life ". I remember her words after that she said, "you think I will leave you so easily?" , and she asked me to plan something. I asked her brother 2-3 times if she was sure that she wants me.  She said "yes I am sure, are you not sure " 🙁 . That evening I told my sister that I like her. My sister said, " don't worry things will work out".

On December 27th, there was a fight between the families and I sent her a message saying, "the families are fighting, it wont work, we have to drop it and forget". She replied; saying she doesn't bother, and we should continue and be happy no matter what happens in the end. Like a fool, I agreed to it. I have had to cry so so so so much, fearing her loss and that one day she will be with someone else that I almost felt suicidal and had to be placed on anti depressants soon after. I used to cry almost everyday incessantly. One time I even threw up.

Then, on January 26th , she said , she got a marriage proposal. I was still looking for a job and the families were in a feud, so I told her if she is getting married she should forget about me , because I was pretty sure it was all over now. I do not know why but we were still together. Darkest days of my life.

Then came a couple of days which I regret till now when we got physical . By physical I mean hugging , kissing and touching 🙁 . We are still virgins though. I feel so bad. After that I was tried to cut myself, kill myself, run away from home and everything thinking how could I have done such a thing. Guilt is still eating me up.

Then, even though we were still together till April 13th , slowly she made up her mind, got over me and said  "my family will never agree, I can't hurt my family, you have to move and get over me" 🙁 . Is that fair? And this is the girl I was so nice to and cried for, for a year.

Now she says, she does not even like me and does not want to marry me because in the end I ended up telling my mom and brother (who happens to be her brother in law) that I love her. I was so broken and I needed to share and I thought it was the right thing to do to tell them that I love her and i want to marry her at least to do justice to everything that happened. She called me a "liar, fake, pre-planner" everything for having done this. How could she? I agree we got physical which is a big big flaw, but I never planned it brothers and sisters did I?

Now I am broken, I lost a year of my life, lost 16-17 kgs in weight, have attempted suicide, lost my peace, feel guilty about doing something like that and I have lost all happiness. What do I do? Why did she not leave me when I agreed to her statement that her family won't agree. Why did she not stop when I asked her to :(? Why did I agree to that condition? Now look at me, my life is over and she does not even want to fix me.

Before this, I was a practicing Muslim. Not very devout, but I used to fast, wasn't very regular with my prayers though. Never ever had a girlfriend before this. I'm ashamed to say I used to watch adult material now and then but I was never an addict. I was a normal boy in an non-Islamic nation:(. But I was never a bad boy.

I cared about her so much. In fact, when I first went to see my therapist I told her, "I am afraid she is getting too attached to me":( . I'm a gold medalist in academics. Now, I can't even study. Why did she do this to me when I told her I won't interfere with her life?

- yukiyukio

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27 Responses »

  1. Get over it

    • Sam

      Your answer shows a complete lack of compassion for your brother. I will offer dua that you will never be in such a situation, and that you heart will not be so cold for the suffering of others in the future.

      AmericanMuslim Editor

      • First of all I truly feel compassion for you,love hurts it really does,but pain goes away,and suicide is a permeant solution to a temporary problem,take it one day at a time,it will get better I promise

  2. Salam Yukiyukiyo,

    Phew! That was an incredible tale.

    See, we all 'fall in love'. Note: we 'fall in love' and 'not rise in love'. Not everybody gets his lover.

    From your post, I see that you are doing a lot of explaining. You are guilt stricken. You tried committing suicide which is ' forbidden' in Islam. You were on anti-depressants. You say, you have lost an year and 17 kilos of weight ( well done 🙂 ).

    Human mind is a manipulative mind. If you see other posts in this website you will see several cases which exemplify the manipulations. When your girl says that you ended up telling your mom and brother about the relation. She is merely trying to get rid of you and by slinging mud at you, she is making you culpable.

    What happened has happened for the good. Take a deep breath. You call your self a Muslim and you are crying like a cowardice. Be Brave, Son!

    See, you lost an year and you spent so much on her both monetarily and emotionally that you couldn't take the set back. I ask you why should she care about you ? Her priorities have changed.
    So you should change your priorities.

    Quit telling yourself that problem is in you. I guess you know the problem.

    The solution to your problems is just one : Islam - Submission to Allah's Will.

    Take it this way, you are Allah's favorite son, he saved you from falling into the trap of this girl.

    Things to do in order to get over -

    1. Stop Blaming yourself. You are lovely human being. I see nothing wrong in here. You are not the first one to lose in love and will surely be not the last one.

    2. Recite Quran and perform Salat and learn about this beautiful religion. In fact, read with translation. This is your way of becoming righteous.

    3. Go through the various other issues on this website and read about other peoples problems. That is how I manage to get out of my despondency. You could also visit
    I found this website really nice keeping in view I was also under acute depression not so long ago.

    4. Get a hobbie. You are young. This is not the time to cry about you losing the girl and it is the end of your life. I see that you have lost oodles of weight. Man, join a gym, eat, sleep, play and realise your potential. Look at your positive sides. From a fat bloke to a dude. Be proud of your self. In fact, if I were you I would begin writing a book on weight loss.

    5. Last but not the least - Have faith, hope and Perseverance in Allah.

    May Allah bless you and guide you in the right direction.

  3. As Salamualaikum,

    Brother, life is a name of such trials. I totally understand where you stand, and I believe you have a solution, which could change your life in a positive way.

    First of all, thank Allah that He Protected you from crossing the limits of relationships. Yes what you did with her was Haraam, but Alhamdulillah, it did not translate to Zina. You should thank Allah immensely for this. Because you were under the influence of Shaitaan, and in order to have her, you would even agree to this sin (per me).

    Allah is The Most Kind and The Most Compassionate. Whatever wrong you do, He Has much more Mercy than that.

    You tried to kill yourself, which is a great sin. The punishment for this is Hell fire, as a Hadith states. Thank Allah that He saved you from it.

    Now ask yourself: why did Allah save me from all this?

    The answer is that He wants to give you a chance. He wants you to repent to Him and become devoted to Him. If you do so, insha Allah, all your worries will fade away.

    Practice of Islam is the most beautiful thing one can do in this life, which is full of trials and tribulations. It involves doing what Islam ordains in entirety, without leaving anything intentionally. You said you practiced Islam before, but you were not regular in prayers. Then brother, you are not a practicing Muslim, the terminology for such is an occasional practicing Muslim.

    Allah wants nothing from us. It is just that He Created us to Worship Him. He also kept rewards for those who obey Him, and punishments for those who disobey Him. Now it is upon you to decide whether you want Allah's reward or His Punishment.

    I know that you liked the girl, but now, she is not available. So, any thought about her at this point will bring nothing but grief and ill thoughts. Instead of a therapist, you need contemplation on Allah's Words, His Beautiful Names and Attributes, His Tawheed, and so on.

    You need to refresh your mind and heart. You need a fresh coating of peace and tranquility on your heart, so that no discomfort bothers you so much.

    How do you attain this?

    What better time can this happen but in this blessed month? The month of Ramadan is the best one to begin anew. Make use of every moment you get in it when you are free, and remember Allah.
    First of all, NEVER miss an obligatory prayer (in this month and after it) because according to a Hadith, if there is something that differentiates a Muslim from Kufr or disbelief is the leaving of prayers. So, be careful and do not miss a single prayer. While you offer the prayer, contemplate on what you read, and have a feeling that you are talking to Allah, Who Is right in front of you.

    Read books on 'Aqeedah such as Kitab bu Tawheed, Usool ath Thalaathah and others. Read the Seerah of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, his companions, and the pious predecessors or the Salaf.

    Practice the Sunnah in your life and invite others to do the same.

    With all these, when Ramadan finishes, insha Allah you'll have a completely new 'you' who is full of peace and tranquility, whose primary objective is to Please Allah and not make Him Angry bu any cost.

    May Allah accept you and me as some of His Chosen slaves
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    P.S: you can download the cool of duas called Hisn al Muslim or Fortress of the Muslim from

  4. Assalam-O-Alaikum,
    long story.. well let me tell you something,
    " When something happens according to your wish, be happy it was your choice. But when something happens without your wish, be happy again that is ALLAH's choice"
    Stop blaming yourself and stop crying.. you won't reach anywhere by doing this... Be brave and face what is true... Get over yourself and your past.. May be you both weren't meant to be with each other.. just wait for the one who truly is yours. Keep faith in ALLAH.. He'll lead you to the right path. Offer prayers, recite Quran and do not commit sins. Again, they will give you nothing but shame and guilt.
    Just leave the bad days behind and take the experiences with you.. This is called life 🙂 If life would have been a bed of roses, then what would be the point of living. Living is all about struggling and keeping faith in ALLAH
    Take Care
    ALLAH Hafiz

  5. Hello Brother,
    all good people are tested by Allah.
    Please forget, pray to Allah.
    insha Allah, time heals all.

  6. Time will heal trust me, leave it to allah and i wish you the best in the future

    • do not even think about it, everything happens for a reason this may not feel like it brother but trust me it was for the best, in time you be much a stronger person inshallah.

  7. Assalaamu alaikum dear brother.

    Let me just say this: they call it a broken heart for a reason. It does break you and turn your life pretty upside down when someone you love hurts you that badly. It's especially difficult when you invest so much time and effort and someone walks away. I am going to take a different angle with you because I know saying 'get over it' doesn't work unfortunately. I know how you feel brother because I went through something similar. I find it difficult to talk about, so I pray that it helps you.

    Some years back I knew a brother whom I wanted to marry, and who also wanted to marry me. He understood me, he was respectful and was keen to meet my parents. But we ran into problems - my parents were not keen on him - I couldnt see their point of view. As time went on it became more and more apparent that we couldn't marry. I should have stopped speaking to him, but I didn't because by that time we were far too attached. He told me we'd find a way to marry somehow - and I believed him. I tried to leave a few times, changed my number to stop myself getting hurt but he'd always win me back by telling me 'itl be OK.' We fought so much to try and get married to find out that one day he just changed. He became hateful and arrogant - told me he didnt want to marry me and his feelings had gone.

    The rest of it you have put - the questions you have asked: why? I went through that too. The endless nights of tears. Asking is it far? How could she do that me. I understand. Alhumdulilah I never went as far as attempting suicide but I thought about it all the time. I questioned how someone could do this to another human being? I questioned so much. Thats what killed me the most - the unanswered questions - it drives you crazy if you dont keep tabs on it!

    Why am I telling you this though? To depress you?
    No. I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I actually wrote a similar post on another site at the time and there are feelings and questions you've described which are almost identical to mine.
    Dear brother you say:
    "Now I am broken, I lost a year of my life, lost 16-17 kgs in weight, have attempted suicide, lost my peace, feel guilty about doing something like that and I have lost all happiness."

    But do you not see, you have also gained so much. Brother you need to stop asking yourself these questions - and accept you will never get the answers to them - it will drive you crazy. Everytime one comes into your head let it pass over you - change the thought. It doesn't matter why she hurt you or why she did this or why she didnt do this. It doesnt matter. She doesn't matter.

    What matters now is you. Accept as hard as it is - accept that it's over. Accept that you havent ruined your life - you are still alive, you can still heal and change. That is the reality, no matter how bad you feel. At the beginning you wont feel like that so you have to tell yourself it - fake it to make it. Heartbreak is just like a dark cloud over you which means you can't see anything except these bad feelings. So work to look past this cloud.

    You can look at your mistakes brother or you can look at the blessings Allah has given you. Yes OK, you messed up, you committed big sins, and you got hurt. But you didnt die upon those sins. You insisted on disobeying Allah and harming yourself by continuing your relationship with this girl - so what did Allah (swt) do? He took her out of your life. Because He loves you. Allah swt does what is best for us, not what we always want. And He doesn't burden a soul greater then they can bear.

    You can bear this brother - you can come out strong. The turning point for me was when I accepted that the relationship was over - and there was no going back. Each day was hard but I threw myself into keeping busy. Another big turning point for me was realising that emotional relationships are zina. We always think it's OK if its just talking lovingly - it's not! There is zina of the eyes and zina of the tongue.

    I also realised Allah saved me. He saved me from the haraam. I was not strong enough to leave myself so He took the haraam away from me by force. I also realised that nothing and no one should come between a person and Allah.

    So all these things - they are temporary, OK. The anger, hurt etc all will go with time InshaAllah - as long as you train yourself to question less and do not contact her or her family in anyway. Keep yourself busy and be strong. Dont allow yourself to cry all the time. Be strong - cry to Allah (swt) speak to Him. Thank Him for saving you from full zina and from getting you out of this situation.

    And dont despair of the mercy of Allah (swt) - you made a mistake you are human but Allah swt is the Most Merciful and is waiting for you to repent. Turn to Him and repent sincerely - vow never to keep a friendship or relationship with a girl again and do good deeds. Read Qur'an - do Tahajjud in the last 3rd of the night. Listen to lectures, gain knowledge. Also go for counselling if you can - theres nothing wrong with that. It can help you express your feelings in a healthy way without talking about things too much (which can also be bad).

    Also Is there anywhere you can volunteer? Feed the homeless or get involved in fundraising. Also if you can take up any halal hobby that would be good.

    It is now the month of Ramadan - the most beautiful chance of forgiveness. Do you know Allah swt decorates Jannat. And each night He frees many people from Jahannam (these people will never enter Jahannam.) Use this beautiful month to gain utmost reward - and ask Him to replace your loss with something far far better. And He will. Make dua regularly - especially when you open your fast- this dua is answered InshaAllah.

  8. thank youall. but this is taking a serious toll on my health. please pray for me brothers and sisters. she has left me feeling like a bad and terrible person. im not able to live with myself

  9. My Brother,

    I don't have much to add beyond what was said above, but I feel your pain and suffering. It comes through your words clearly.

    And clearly, it is not fair. But our lives here on earth are not fair. But rest assured Allah will make things right and reward you in Jannah in proportion to your piety and how you responded to your tests.

    Allah knows and we do not know. Asking why will only cause frustration. We cannot know the will of Allah. Why has Allah chosen this path for you? You cannot know. You grasp at finding the key thing to do now, and agonize over the key thing you could have done previously to navigate through this and have a blessed and wonderful outcome for the two of you for the rest of your lives, reaping the rewards that Allah has planned for all of his pious followers.

    Well, let me tell you, you and she will have a blessed life, full of the rewards that Allah has planned for you. However, it will not be together. Allah knows your pain, He knows your struggle. He knows her pain, and knows her struggle. In His wisdom, he is teaching you something. Be open to see what it is. Do not allow Shaytan to open more cracks in your faith or put you off the path.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  10. brother. what bothers me the most is when i tried to do everything right. i tried to cut contact. i stopped visiting the home or talking over the phone. i had even asked her to not to contact me anymore. even after i confessed i told her i wont interfere with her life and i didnt. when she told me her family wont agree i agreed to that also. not once but twice. even informd a family member when the other person showed willingness. when the families got into a feud i told her to drop it too..when she told me she got a marraige proposal also i told her to forget abt me. i did everything right. then how did it all go so haywire on me.??? 🙁

    • Brother

      Just because you follow the halaal path does not mean Allah will give you everything you want.

      Submitting to Allah's will means accepting His will even when it hurts our feelings deeply.

      As a father, when my children want candy, sometimes I give them fruit and vegetables instead. They typically don't like this. Even when they clean their room without being asked and do all of their chores, I still don't let them eat a dinner of only candy. I know that will make them stronger and healtier.

      In the same way, Allah gives us the nourishment we need, but not always the nourishment we want. He wants us to be stronger and healthier.

      American Muslim Editor

  11. Thank you so much brothers and sisters. One more thing in the end before i go. I have this bad habit of seeking reassurance as to know if the actions were my fault and if i was at fault. Like whatever happened , I used to share with my sister and a couple of my best friends telling them what exactly happened , what i did and how the other person replied. I didnt do it to slander or cause mischief. but for some reason , whenever the other person reachted harsh , i used to feel terrible and used to feel this need to share with someone to know that what i did was not all that wrong and im not a terrible person who did a terrible thing.

    Is that backbiting 🙁 . its in my nature to share , like an open book. :(. I share things with everyone. I feel guilty that i might have involved myself in backbiting

    • Yes, I ran into this problem too. I am the same exactly - I am also an open book and I also seek reassurance. It is good but it can get you hurt sometimes so be careful who you open up too - and never to anyone of the opposite gender!
      If I am honest I dont know the answer to the question. But I did it a lot, may Allah forgive me - it is therapeutic to talk about it sometimes.

      I would say though, it is probably backbiting. Even if it makes you feel better you are still speaking about them and talking about their faults. Although there are situations in which it is halal. But I dont think it would include this. I am not a scholar and this is my personal opinion so you may want to get it clarified. Certainly ask yourself before you say something, if someone was to say this about me, would I be pleased, or not? If not then you shouldn't say it.

      My advice to you dear brother - if you need to talk to someone, and get reassurance speak to a counsellor who does not know this girl or her family. People you know are more likely to be biased - and they cannot offer the same support. A counsellor's job is to help you. It was one of the big things that helped me to heal and it takes a lot of courage to do it.

      Also remember the best of counsellors is Allah - so speak to Him, especially at night. This will save you from backbiting and nourish your relationship with Him. Also write it down. Also reassure yourself.

      Which brings me to another point: You say you seek reassurance- you tell people what happened etc. You are running through the same thought process again and again. Don't do this to yourself.

      You have to be really careful right about now because:
      1. You need to talk about this and work through your feelings.
      2. You also need to let things go and not talk about this.

      So if you keep discussing it too much over and over it will hurt you over and over. (I speak from experience). At the same time you do need to give yourself time to talk about it in a controlled way to work through it. With a counsellor is better.

      So you need to find a balance - don't suppress your feelings entirely but dont over discuss things.
      What I did which really helped Alhumdulilah - Give yourself some time each day to think about these things and some time each week to talk about how you feel. Also try writing your feelings down when they get too much. You may not be at this stage yet but InshaAllah you will slowly get to it soon.

      But stop asking questions over again. Just stop. I dont mean writing on here, I mean stop asking yourself these questions in your head. It doesnt matter what you did or didn't do. These things are not in your control. Please for your own good, OK.

      Another thing, her leaving you is not a reflection on you. Even if you were perfect in everyway it wouldn't change her actions. Don't blame yourself. You made an effort to try and please Allah - you did what you could to try and marry her and you loved her. Any girl would love such qualities - just make sure the girl who receives them is married to you. Let yourself heal and become emotionally healthy OK? Learn to start liking yourself over time InshaAllah but first let your broken heart heal.

      Sara Editor

      • thank you so much sister. but i still feel terrible. first of all im sad that she is gone and secondly i am so so guilty im not able to forgive myself. :'( . im losing hope in everything now. will allah ever bless me with a companion in marraige?? will i ever be happy?? i know im not a very pious person but does that mean i can never be happy?? :'(

  12. Brother, when you speak about a bad habit someone has, to another, this is backbiting.

    The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) defined backbiting thus: 'It is speaking of your brother in a way that is irksome to him.' It was asked; 'What if the defect being talked of is present in my brother?' The Prophet answered, ' If it is present in him, it would be backbiting, and if it is not present, it would be slander.'

    You better avoid mentioning them to anyone. If you feel the need, talk to Allah in seclusion. Speak whatever you have in your heart, to lighten it.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  13. i understand brothers. In the end she lost all hope and trust in me because i informed my family without telling her. Well , i did ask her before once if i should tell my mom and she said NO . But it was like after visiting this website and seeing the cases where guys get into relationships with girls and then cheat or abandon them , i did not want to be that kind of a guy , a bad guy. So i made up my mind that i should whatever it takes even if it does not work out so that i will not be counted as one of those guys and hence in the end i made my mom and sister promise and also asked my brother to help me out because it was the right thing to do. when you mess up , you fess up sort of a thing and you try to clear the mess.

    It was like , what has happened has happened and now i cannot afford to be a bad guy and i have to do the honourable thing even if she says no , i should do it atleast for the sake of my own conscience so tomorrow i dont have to look at myself in the mirror and think im a guy who played with someones life.

  14. In a way im happy that she rejected me in the end instead of me rejecting her. That means i was there till the end and did not abandon or break someone's heart. I tried to do all that i could to still be a decent person in the end. I guess i accomplished that

    • That's a great job you did there. You remained committed. Good stuff bro. You indeed accomplished that mission. Now there is only one mission left to be accomplished and that is to regret and repent for the sins you have committed with this girl , knowingly and unknowingly. Ask Allah for forgiveness, ask Him to guide you and show mercy on you. This ramadan, stay away from sins. Do lots of istighfar, ibadah, du'as and Insha'ALlah from here on you'll have a beautiful life, for the sake of Allah.

    • Brother,

      Do not think so harshly of yourself. She did not reject you personally. She is following the will of Allah.

      You need too focus on His will as well, and stop dwelling on this broken (and haraam) relationship. I know it is easier said than done. Use this as a lesson on what happens when you allow Shaytan to ply your thoughts and actions to get you off your path and drift over the line into the haraam.

      And you need to find a way to move on. I don't mean to be harsh here, but your focus on this appears to be on the borderline of obsessive. Professor X gave you some very wise advice in one of your previous posts on this issue on getting out and living life. Re-read them.

      American Muslim Editor

  15. Brother American Muslim . the truth is i do suffer from OCD . this is much more pain than my fragile mind can take. i repented to allah. i asked him for forgiveness. i reverted to islam. but the pain wont go away. the past keeps haunting me. I've always had mental problems. i suffered from inferiority complex . all i had to live on was my idiosyncracy. after she left , i lost that too.

    now i have developed terrible OCD and scrupulosity and the bad thoughts wont go away. ive always had a bad complex. now , after she left and said a few harsh things to me , i feel like slime . i feel like a terrible person. i feel like shit. i feel like she is happy without me and must be looking back at me like a loser. im sure she will get married to this amazing person and look back at me with me contempt.

    she's left me such a scrupulous person . i know islam and tawbah destroyes all that came before but still i cant get the past sins and mistakes out of my head. i feel like total mess. i feel like the devil and shes an angel and allah protected her from me.

    i cant take such turmoil anymore. i dont know how much longer i can be alive with these demons in my head. 🙁

  16. I'm not sure if i'm allowed to link you to other website. But this may have a solution for OCD, take your time and read it. -

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