Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to find suitable partner for marriage?

islam nikah

Can I remain single?

Hi,

I am a 23 year old girl who is about to finish college. I really would like to get married but I have absolutely no idea how to. I have searched the web for answers but did not come up with much help (there is quite a lot of talk about not being picky and rejecting too many proposals, but I have received no proposals whatsoever).

I have talked to my parents and they are not much help either. They say I should be patient and all will work out, they don't like "arranging" marriages because its not a part of our culture, and they also don't know any suitable men since my mom only socializes with other women and my father doesn't socialize at all. My parents would like me to get to know someone at uni or at work but I can't do this because I don't talk to guys.

I have tried online sites but guys didn't really talk or message me, and the ones I tried to message were not interested in me. I don't have any friends (female or male), which makes it harder to be set up. I have a hard time talking to people and have problems with social anxiety. So even though people say "You're young, don't worry about this", I do worry because I think I might never get married to anyone.

This is what I have tried so far:

  • talking to parents
  • matrimonial sites
  • talking to acquaintance
  • asking my brother for help

And nothing has helped. I'm also worried that even if I somehow got introduced to someone, he may become uninterested and find me boring if I can't maintain a conversation due to the social anxiety.Also I have close female  relatives who are 30 and above, who are not married and have not received any marriage proposals. I'm worried that this will be me.

Thank you in advance.

Aloe2.

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21 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM-Aloe2.
    YOUR CONCERN FOR MARRIAGE IS ON THE RULE OF A MAJOR SUNNAH AND THAT IS NOT JUST A SMALL MATTER-
    YOUR EAGERNESS TO FULFILL AN IMPORTANT HUKUM OF ALLAH SUBHANAWATHALA IS VERY IMPRESSIVE TO ME BECAUSE TODAYS GIRLS GO THE OPPOSITE LINE AND DONT EVEN CARE TO GO FOR A HALAL LIFE AND THAT TOO AT THE AGE OF 23 KEEP IT UP-

    The Holy Quran says,
    And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing.[2]
    The above ayat begins with the words Wa Ankehoo (And marry…) The imperative form of the word 'nikah' implies that either it is obligatory or highly recommended.[3] According to scholars, though marriage is a highly recommended act, it becomes obligatory when there is a chance of falling into sin.
    The Prophet says, “No house has been built in Islam more beloved in the sight of Allah than through marriage.” [4]
    On another occasion the Prophet (s.a.) said,
    “The best people of my nation (Ummat) are those who get married and have chosen their wives, and the worst people of my nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their lives as bachelors.”

    SEEING AFTER YOUR 4 POINTS OF APPROACH YOU DIDNT GET POSITIVE RESPONCE OF PROPOSALS-
    PLS REQUEST THE FORUM EDITORS TO ATLEAST MENTION WHICH CITY YOU BELONG TO SO THAT IF WE GET SOME RELATIVES PROGRAMME FOR MARRIAGE AND ARE LOOKING FOR A GIRL WE CAN MENTION ABOUT YOU NOT AS MATRIMONIAL PROCEDURE JUST LIKE SOMEONE MENTIONED MY DAUGHTER TO A BOY WHO HAD SEEN 19 GIRLS [MODERN RICH BEAUTIFUL AND TOP FAMILIES]AND 20TH WAS MY DAUGHTER- HE FINALLY DECIDED- HE HAD IN MIND HE WILL GO FOR ONLY ONE WHO MAINTAINS FULL HIJAB [HOPE YOU ARE ALSO DOING FULL HIJAB BCOZ ALLAH MAKES THIS TO BRING REAL GENUINE LOVING PROPOSALS TO YOUR DOOR]WHICH MY DAUGHTER WAS DOING 6 MONTHS B4 HER PUBERTY AGE-

    SOMEONE MENTIONED TO HIM HE CAME AND SAW GAVE CONSENT AND MARRIED HER-
    SO THE WORD OF SOMEONE MIGHT LINK SOMEONES LIFE-
    'Ali exhorts, “Marry, because marriage is the tradition of the Prophet.” The Prophet (s.a.) also said, ”Whosoever likes to follow my tradition, then he should know that marriage is from my tradition.”

    AND DONT WORRY THINKING OF THE ONES WHO ARE IN 30' AND NOT MARRIED MAY BE THEIR LIFE AND THE PATTERN THEY HAVE LEAD MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE DELAY-

    MASHALLAH WITH YOU AND YOUR CLEAN INTENTION ALLAH WILL GUIDE HELP AND MAKE WAYS UN IMAGINABLE FOR YOU THIS IS BECAUSE-HIJAB IS OBLIGATORY-The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has guided us. And Allah, the Glorified and the Exalted, has guided us how to draw near to Him. As He said According to Hadith Qudsi:“Whoever draws near to Me among those drawn near by fulfilling what I have made obligatory on them….

    KEEP HOPE ON ALLAH AND LEAVE THE CREATION ALONE......
    http://muslimcanada.org/purdah.pdf

    • Ali Yousuff, a long time ago you posted advice on my post a while back ("I am in Love but am I Being Used"). Thank you for the advice you gave me. I am happy to report that shortly after, I kicked that loser to the curb and took my Shahada! Since then Allah had blessed me and sent me someone wonderful who has shown serious interest in marriage and has taken the Islamically appropriate way of getting to know me.

      • ASSALAMALAIKUM-
        I WAS VERY HAPPY TO NOTE YOU ARE OUT OF DANGER ZONE AND THE IN THE JURISDICTION OF ALLAH AND HIS BELOVED PROpHET-salalahaualahiwasalam[SHARIAH]
        "For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women WHO FAST FOR MEN AND WOMEN WHO GUARD THEIR CHASTITY and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise, for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward." [Noble Quran 33:35]
        Chapter 47 Surah Muhammad
        But It Is Possible That You Dislike A Thing Which Is Good For You
        And That You Love A Thing Which Is Bad For You
        But Allah Knows And You Know Not.....
        Beautiful Patience In Quran Allah mentioned ‘Sabr Jameel’ in the Quran, literally Beautiful Patience. So what is beautiful patience? Beautiful Patience Is To Be In A State Of Happiness And Pleasure While Being Patient Over The Situation!
        The question that arises here is how can a person be in a state of bliss and complete contentment while suffering from an infliction
        Allah says in Quran Chapter 70-Surah Ma’arij [Verses:5 - 7]
        Therefore, [O Believer] Endure All Adversity With Goodly Patience
        Behold, Men Look Upon That [Reckoning] As Something Far Away
        But, We See It As Near!
        Patience Is Half Of Iman!
        All of this is meaningless unless we have real Iman in Allah as our Rabb, the one who knows what is good for us, and the Day of Judgment. That is why patience is called half of Iman.
        This Acceptance Of Fate Is What Brings
        Joy And Beauty To The Face
        And Keeps A Person Young And Healthy...
        Whereas...
        Complaints And Resistance To Fate
        Brings Misery, Ugliness, And Old Age Upon Us!
        HOPE MY REPLY IS NOT VERY LONG BUT WORDS ARE MANY MANY-SPACE IS INSUFFICIENT.

  2. Salam sister,

    I am in your situation aswell. All I can say is to do dua for a good Muslim man to marry, and go to the local mosque and ask the imam there for help.

  3. Can you not go to your parents home country to find some1 suitible? Or check out your l ocal place of prayer?

  4. i just did not understand about what u said about your parents i mean y aren't they interested in geetting you married.by the way,did u talk to them derectly about your marriage,,i just cant digest that part.anyways there are some spiritual acts i mean dua for getting married soon.you must try these with your extreme faith and trust on Allah.Besides that you may consult a marriage fixer office where they find suitable matches according to customer's choice.may Allah grant you a suitable spouse,,Aameen.

    • Thank you for your response and your dua. The problem I have with my parents is that although they want me to get married they cannot and will not directly help me (I am not sure why). They do not want to arrange marriages for their children. They do not know very many people, which makes it difficult to suggest suitors.

  5. assalamulaykum

    I am abdurahman from the uk

    Give me your mobile number and I will get in contact with you inshallah

    • Abdur Rahman,

      We do not allow exchange of personal contact information on our website. And we are not a matchmaking service.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • if I want to get in contact with this sister, then why don't you get in contact with her on my behalf

        If i as a muslim want to see if we will be compatible for marriage, why are you guys butting in. if I want to send a proposal, what on earth do I do. if you guys don't allow it
        tell me?

        • Br. Abdurahman,

          Matchmaking sites are for this purpose and even then there are so many legal issues that erupt--how are the Editors supposed to know if someone here is sincere or not? Not only that, let alone sincerity, a person could be potentially dangerous. They don't allow it and it is a rule, you will simply have to follow it and besides, a man shouldn't directly talk to a girl regarding marriage--he should speak to her father and/or brother.

  6. Assalamu allaikum sis. Have you tried going to your local masjid? I will make dua for you inshaAllah. O and if you're able to give sadaqa and help out those who are in need. May Allah bless you with a pious husband. Ameen

  7. I know its frustrating but you have to have patience and trust that Allah has someone wonderful planned for you. I honestly think that He places people and events in our lives for a reason. Maybe Allah has other plans in store for you before you are meant to meet your husband. Or maybe your husband is not yet ready to be found!! Be patient and pray. Continue to focus on yourself, learn more, become a better rounded person, always keep improving yourself... and when Allah thinks you are ready, He will send you someone special.

  8. I wanted to again thank everyone who has already replied.

    When I wrote my initial post I was very frustrated. Since then, I was able to do a lot of self-reflection and realized that marriage (although very beneficial) is not the most important thing in the world. I will try to put an equal amount of attention into other aspects of my life and Deen (and most importantly trying to be the best Muslim I can be).

    I will not give up on trying to get married though. But I WILL be patient and remember that it will come when Allah wills it to happen (like many of you have said)

    I contacted the imam at our mosque and he said that they may start a marriage service and will keep in touch with me.

    Does anyone have any advice on overcoming shyness and making it easier to talk to people. From your experience, have you seen shyness hold people back from getting married.

    Also, I do wear a hijab and dress modestly.

    • Firstly, improvements are always encourged, but dont feel like you have to change yourself for anyone. If being shy is who you are and a big part of your personality, embrace it!! Some guys will find it charming and appreciate it. Besides think of compatibility: do you feel comfortable being with a man who is extra social and expects you to be similar?

      I used to be extremely shy and quiet. So I took speech classes that forced me to get comfortable with talking in front of a large group of people. After that, talking one-on-one with people was a piece of cake in comparison!! Join a club that piques your interests, its always easy to make convo with someone you know is there for the same reason as yourself!

  9. Sister,

    You are right marriage is not the most important thing in the world but however it is imperative that you select the right person for marriage can give you so much happiness or lifelong misery and torment. So do not rush marriage out of fear of being an unmarried old lady!

    I was like you, extremely shy. I still am, but have come out of my shell a little and I am much better then before. The world is very intimidating as most people are extroverts and we shy introvert people do not fit in. But I have learnt the best way to overcome shyness is to TALK, TALK, and TALK. Try to talk to more people at work, in the shop, in the tube etc etc. In the mosque there are always sisters circles. Join these groups, socialise with more people, make new friends. Join in voluntary work and community events. Just keep talking to people. At first it will be daunting, but once you pass the initial hurdles of stuttering and running out of things to say, the next time it will become much easier. Also the other people will encourage you by asking more questions etc etc. The you will become more comfortable.

    I was lucky as my parents found a husband for me who was also quite and shy, so we were compatible at that time. But your parents are not even looking, so I suggest make friends at sisters circles and once you are comfortable with more people ask people to ask around for you among their friends and relatives.

    Insha Allah you will find happiness soon

    Take care xxxxx

  10. glad to know that u r now relaxed.u knw what sister,being relaxed and thinking wisely are very important as far as your problem is cocerned.I would again like to tell u that practise some Nafal Ibadah and spiritual dua to seek help from Allah sp as to get married soon to a pious and loving and caring husband..
    insha'Allah u will soon find a suitable man..just keep trying according to islam..

  11. I'm glad you have calmed yourself down, sister - because there sure is more to life than marriage :). I think a lot of Muslims, especially the married ones, can be really good at preaching to us who are single how we NEED to be married, and SHOULD want to get married, because we're only half as much Muslim as those who have "completed" their deen through marriage. And sometimes they even kind of pitty us for being single (at an "old" age) :/. It used to make me stressed like you. Because people kept bothering me with questions like, "Adina, when are you getting married? Aren't you too old to be single now?". I only started to think about wanting to get married when I was a little older than you are - a lot of my friends had already been divorced once and were on to their second marriages...and here was I, not even near marriage numero uno, hehe. So yeah, I tried to hint to my parents that I wouldn't mind if they introduce me to someone suitable, but nah...they didn't at all pick up on it. They, too, expect me to find my own guy, which, YEAH, is hard when you don't actually associate with men. I used to feel annoyed by those who had their marriages arranged for them and complained about it...because that's what I wanted my parents to do for me as it's much easier to get married when you have them to actively hand you a choice of men. But I have come to a point now where I realize that there are lots of dark and negative sides to arranged marriages, so I don't view them as positively anymore.

    Anyway, just a little rant about how annoying it is to hear Muslims say you're only complete as a slave of Allah if you get married. I have actually never liked the idea of marriage - and now that I don't stress about my friends' rude comments, I'm still not liking the idea of marriage. So...does that mean I'm an incomplete Muslim? Just because I don't think marriage is for me?

    • assalamalaikum-
      does that mean I'm an incomplete Muslim? Just because I don't think marriage is for me?
      HERE THERE IS A VERY SERIOUS NEGLIGENCE AND THAT TOO OVERTKING THE RULE OF MARRIAGE SET BY THE PROPHET SALALAHUALIHIWASALAM SO STRONGLY AND USING OUR WHIMS AND FANCIES IS ANOTHER BLUNDER WITH DISOBEDIENCE-
      PONDER ON THESE HADEESES AND THE SAY Just because I don't think marriage is for me? 1]Volume 7, Book 62, Number 4:Narrated 'Abdullah:
      We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."
      1- Obeying Allah : Allah it says, [marry women
      of your choice]
      2- Preserving human race in order to inhabit the earth and worship Allah lit .
      3- Guarding one's chastity, lowering one's gaze and satisfying one's desire lawfully.
      4- Preserving one's roots.
      5- Spiritual repose.
      6- Increasing the Ummah of Muhammad
      7- Protecting society from moral and sexual diseases.
      Muslim Marriage in Quran
      The word(s) "marriage" appears 23 time(s) in 18 verses in Quran translation by Muhsin Khan
      (1) And do not marry Al-Mushrikat (idolatresses, etc.) till they believe (worship Allah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you. And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al-Mushrikun till they believe (in Allah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you. Those (Al-Mushrikun) invite you to the Fire, but Allah invites (you) to Paradise and Forgiveness by His Leave, and makes His Ayat (proofs, evidence, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) clear to mankind that they may remember. (سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #221)
      It is not befitting for a believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Apostle, to have any option about their decision: if anyone disobeys Allah and His Apostle, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path. (Surah Al-Ahzab, 33:36)
      HOPE YOU UNDERTAND THAT WE ARE NOT MASTERS OF OUR LIFE OUR MASTER AND OWNER IS ALLAH AND HE HAS GIVEN US THE CODE OF LIFE AND WE ARE HIS SERVANTS AND A GOOD SERVANT IS THE ONE WHO OBEYS HIS MASTER AND GAINS HIS PLEASURE AT ANY COST-
      REGARDS

  12. ASSALAMALAIKUM-

    ONE WHO KNOWS HER RIGHT WILL KNOW HE HAS WITH HIM THE BEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL SPECIES OF THE WHOLE CREATION WITHOUT WHICH A GARDEN IS A DESERT-....
    THE BEST OF BEST SCENE OF THE WORLD LIKE A SHATTERED ABONBONED PLACE....
    WITHOUT WHOM A HOUSE IS LIKE A GRAVE YARD....
    WITHOUT WHOM THE SMILE NAME ITSELF IS A FARCE.....NO MEANING.....
    WITHOUT WHOM NO DUNIYA NO KAHIRAH CAN BE ACHIEVED....
    WITHOUT WHOM A BRIGHT DAY ALSO IS THE MOST WORST DAY...
    WIJTOUT WHOM THE CREATION OF THE WORLD IS INCOMPLETE AND THE PROGENY OF ADAM IS INCOMPLETE ....
    WITHOUT WHOM THE WORLD WOULD NOT HAVE STARTED AND NEITHER SURVIVED....
    SO CALM DOWN AND READ THIS-
    In a truely Islamic society women have the following rights in Islam:
    1. The right and duty to obtain education.
    2. The right to have their own independent property.
    3. The right to work to earn money if they need it or want it.
    4. Equality of reward for equal deeds.
    5. The right to express their opinion and be heard.
    6. The right to provisions from the husband for all her needs and more.
    7. The right to negotiate marriage terms of her choice.
    8. The right to obtain divorce from her husband, even on the grounds that she simply can't stand him. (pls note that God deeply frowns upon divorce as a solution unless there is hardly any other alternative but it does not mean that men have more right to divorce their wives than women do.)
    9. The right to keep all her own money (she is not responsible to maintain any relations).
    10. The right to get sexual satisfaction from her husband.
    11. custody of their children after divorce.
    12. to refuse any marriage that does not please them and more...

  13. Asalam o Alaikum, go to the site of geomarriage.com there has many many muslims peoples to searching out their soulmate .... I believe you can get your life partner very soon inshaallah..

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