Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sunni and Shia, in love for twelve years.

"]shia sunni unity

As for those who divide their religion and break up Into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: Their affair is with Allah: He will in the end Tell them the truth Of all that they did. [Al-Qur'an 6:159

Asalam O Alaikum brothers and sisters.

I am a shia girl and I met my fiance in kindergarten. We grew up as friends, and fell in love in high school. He is sunni. We both have good faith, practise Islam moderately, and are of very similar and liberal thinking. We both consider ourselves just muslims and the sect difference is not an issue for us at all. We have an understanding that we will get married, are each others best friend, and know, understand, accept and love everything about each other. And we are not children anymore. It has been twelve years, and we are now in our 30s. For Iraqis, this age is too old for getting married.

His mother had a problem with me being shiite since the day she found out, years ago. We had waited for her to come around and understand our love, and wanted her blessings so we can get married. She kept saying no to this marriage, and also kept delaying the time... so that my parents would marry me elsewhere due to my age. My parents respect my feeling for my fiance, and love him as well. Finally his parents agreed and asked for my hand in marriage last year. When it came time for engagement, his mother started saying she doesnt agree to this wedding anymore, and did not attend the ceremony. She says her istikhara was not positive. And she has asked many other people to do istikhara and they are all negative. Everyone in my family is getting sick from stress. In his family too... and she says it is one of the signs. Whereas, everyone is sick because they are stressed out by her threatening them to not support us. This is supposed to be a happy occasion! I want her to be a part of my life. We do not want to have a civil wedding, unless it is our last option, as we both are family oriented.

We want to get married and need help. What can we say to make her understand? She says she will not go against the will of Allah which she received the through the istikharas. She was so nice after the proposal, and before the engagement. What happened to keeping her word? What should we do?

~ Fatima_Zahra

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13 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,
    Dont lose heart.. It is Allah she has left her troubles to so i would advise you to do the same. Nothing is beyond Allah,He is the one who knows our fates,if their is one who could give what you want , it is Him.. Pray to Allah, ask dua to get the consent of your mother-in-law, do ask your fiance to do the same as well.. I know your situation for I almost fell in it.. be patient dear.. Allah bless you both..


  2. N/B there shall be no paragraph and other punctuations in this write-up because am browsing with my phone right now and am sending my advice with it. Thank you. Salaams fatima and Listen up sister!, the prophet didnt preach anything sect as sinni, shia, salafi, ahamadi etc and the prophet was neither among all these sect.. What the prophet came with is islam and to be a muslims, that's all.. Allah says ''AND VERILY, THIS YOUR RELIGION (of islamic monotheism) IS ONE RELIGION, AND I AM YOUR LORD, SO FEAR ME (ie keep your duty to ME).'' ''BUT THEY (men) HAVE BROKEN THEIR RELIGION AMONG THEM INTO SECT, EACH GROUP REJOICING IN WHAT IS WITH IT (as its beleifs)." ''SO LEAVE THEM IN THEIR EROR FOR A TIME.'' koran23:52-54... Also it has been narrated by Abu huraira in the hadith books (At-tirmidhi, ibn majah and abu dawud) that the prophet pbuh said: ''the jews and christians were divided into seventy one or seventy two religious sects, and this nation (ie the muslim ummah) will be divided into seventy three religous sects-- all in hell, except one, and that one is the one on which i and my companions are today [ie following the quran and the prophet sunnah (legal ways, orders, act of worship, statements of the prophet pbuh)].. This is the religion sister, not lebelling yourself as a sunni or sufi or shia or any sect.. Once you beleive in Allah as the one true God, muhammad pbuh as HIS slave and massanger-prophet, beleive in quran as book of God and source of your guardians, you pray the 5 salat (or namaz as you call it), do fasting during ramadan, give charity etc then you are a potential muslim... Then if you go on segregating your self into sects, that's your problem, it has nothing to do with the teachings of the prophet, and hence has nothing to do with Allah... So sister call your self a muslimah, that's enough... Now coming to your question, i dont seem to understand why she's having difficulty accepting you, is it because of you old age or is it the sunni/shia issue, either way you are already married aren't you? If she doesnt want to understand and reason with you, then close her chapter and you need not bother about her.. But make sure you are very kind and respectful to her when your path crosses... A brother in islam, mohammad auwal.

  3. Salaam Fatima Zahra,

    This will require a lot of patience for both of you. If she does not have valid reasons, then still marry. Ultimately no one can stress us out/make us feel inferior without our consent. Thes best thing is try to get your fiancee to speak to her kindly and ask her for a valid reason, he should be soft and let her know he does care about her opinion and wants her to be present at the wedding. If she still refuses then you have little choice but to go ahead - of course its not ideal but if all else is well then what can you do.

    Expect no support from her though and expect little but have adab with her. Her son especially must be kind to her, no matter how she behaves with either of you. Do not let her harsh words hurt you, but let them wash over you. Pray for her forgiveness and keep the ties, but acknowledge that she doesnt have to accept you. What matters is that Allah swt has seen that you have been patient and if you do this you will be rewarded.

    But you should both marry soon to protect yourself from zina. Until you have married you should not be alone with a third party present, preferably a mahram. Touching, even hands is also not allowed. If you have had an unislamic relationship of any kind it doesnt mean you can't marry but you should both make tawbah.

    I pray that Allah swt softens her heart and blesses your marriage.

    Sara Editor

    • Asalamu Alaikum sister sara I miss you a lot how are you and the all editors I thought that the website was closed but Alamdulillah the problem is solved

  4. Asalamu alaikum sister fatima zahra

    I fell bad for you sister I really cant understand why his mother is against your marriage Allah knows best that whether the negative istikarah that she had is true or not.And you have been with each other for twelve years and have feelings for each other and it will be difficult for both of you to forget each other as it might lead you to a bigger sin and marriage is the best solution for both of you to stay safe from sins as prophet(s.a.w)said(the best solution for those who love each other is marriage).

    If you both are suitable for each other and you are a competent,religious and you had a good moral conduct,then I dont see the reason why his mother is against your marriage.try to convince her politely or seek the help from the righteous pious people in this regard and the help of those who may influence her or make your parents to convince her and if she keeps on refusing then seek help from any islamic center,or your local mosque Imam or any institution which deals with the issues of muslim they may convince your fiancees mother to let you both marry.And seek help and guidance from Allah and perform istikharah and ask Allah to help you out and choose for you the best and to soften your fiancees mother heart and make her understand you better.

    And i would like to say you establishing such relationship with the opposite sex out of marriage is forbidden in Islam even if you both promise to marry each other being with each for twelve years,understanding each other,loving each other do not render permissible what Allah has forbidden.You might agree to marry each other but at end the marriage may not take place,Indeed a happy marriage is the one which begins with the obedience of Allah and not that which begins with disobeying Him.When you knew you love each other you could have think to marry in the past twelve years that you both spend instead of making relationship.And it might be the reason why your fiancees mother is against your marriage Allah knows best.

    And make a sincere repentance to Allah and cut any relationship with this man until you conduct a correct marriage contract with him.

    And hope you will take bro mohd advice that Islam is only one religion and it is the one which was thought by our prophet(s.a.w)and it is the only religion to success and there nothing such as shia,hanafi,ahmadi e.t.c.And may Allah choose the best for you

  5. Fatima,

    The only Istikhara that matters is that of yours and your male friend. No one can do Istikhara on behalf of another person.

    Set a date for your wedding girl and delay no longer. Don't let your lives pass you by waiting for an approval that may never come. Keep your heart open and invite her to the wedding. Should she choose not to come, she is losing out and that is a choice she is free to make on her own accord.

    Best of luck to both of you. May you both be happy and have a wonderful and peaceful life together.


  6. As-salaam mulaikum. Although its very late to reply but I would say that the way she understands istikhara might not be true. Only after you have thought rationally and through the Quran about the problem, you cannot just go and do istikhara. First tell her to look at the Quran. Does Quran have any problem with 2 muslims getting married. Then she should take the advice of pious individuals and then resort to Istikhara if still the problem isn't solved. The Quran allows 2 muslims whether sunni or shia to get married and in fact its a good thing since you are bringing unity.

  7. dear fatima zehra
    i have also the same problem like you...i m sunni n my fiance is shia:(

  8. I am a happily married Sunni woman married to a Shia man (Alhamdulillah). I feel terrible for you because I know that my parents were very hesitant to support me when I told them about my husband and it caused some grief in our home. However, when they met him and got to know him and his family, they saw why I fell in love with him and they now see him as a son and praise his family (Alhamdulillah). Insha'Allah, your fiance's mother will come around too, just always be respectful and patient and establish boundaries with your fiance as to her involvement in your lives.

    Some advice though: have a very long discussion with your soon-to-be and discuss how you plan on raising kids religiously. You should have a clear idea as to what to expect so that you are not surprised. I had that discussion with my husband as well and although I understand that people typically change their views on religion as they age, I know that certain things won't because we had that talk in a very honest and truthful way and continue to have that discussion all the time.

    Do not be discouraged by people who make blanket statements that it's wrong for Sunni's and Shia's to marry. At the end of the day, the name of your sect will not guarantee your place in heaven and only Allah (SWT) knows what's in our hearts.

    May Allah bless your union.

    • dear sisters i am a shia girl and i love a sunni boy. We have done our becholers together. The problem is this his mother do not agree on asking my hand.My mother knows about us. She is waiting that they send a proposal but her mother does nt accept me because of my religion.Please help me. Pleass tell me is deres any dua so i could recite n pray to Allah to make him mine. I am 24 years old and my parents wont wait so long for them . Please help me.

      • Salaams,

        Similar situations have already been answered in previous posts. Please search our archives- you will find many posts about parents preventing marriage, as well as sunni/shia marriages. If you still have concerns after that, feel free to log in and write in a question as a separate post with as many details as possible.

        -Amy Editor

    • hi Marv,

      i am in the sam situation, can you give me details on how decided the children would pray, and the change in shahada that the shia's add? I want my kids to pray the sunnah way and have the same sunni shahadah but my to-be is reluctant.. can you please tell me how you guys sorted it so maybe that will help us in our situation? may allah bless you for your help..ameen.

  9. Dear sister,

    I had the same problem as you but in my case I am Sunni and He's Shia but I couldn't really understand my parents because my family is half Shia and Half Sunni my grandfathers mother was Shia and she got married with my big grandpa a Sunni so my big grandma was more practising the Sunni way than the Shia way but all his brothers, my grandfathers uncles are all Shia Jafari and SubhanAllah we have never problems with them and we are really close but my parents still doesn't want me to marry him, They told me that in a house the religion of the man is the most important, so my brother can marry a Shia girl but I can't marry a Shia man.
    What I did?, I didn't go against my parents I just gave it up , InshAllah that one day they will accept him. I just let time do his work, Sabr
    (Sorry for my english, it's not my native language)
    - Zeynep G.

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