Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Suspicious Of Husband

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

AOA,

I have been married for a couple of months and my problem is that I do not trust my husband at all. I was raised to be a confident and independent woman but being in a relationship with my husband has shaken that up for me.

Our Dating Period Background:

We met last year and from the start our understanding was that we will get to know each other and see if this can result in marriage later. During the time of getting to know each other, I would always feel that he isn't really into me. He is also a miser who doesn't like spending a lot of money which would irritate me sometimes but I would constantly push that thought away thinking that I am a financially independent woman and can pay for my own bit but still I would think that if he is to become my life partner, shouldn't he want to spend money on me and take care of me? I did voice out my annoyance a couple of times when he would easily let me take care of the entire bill after which he would smile and be like ok I will take care of our date money. He comes from a financially comfortable background and has never really been given any responsibility at his home. I, on the other hand have been working since I was 20 and have financially supported my family so I know what responsibility is. Anyway, after a few months, he said we should involve our families and we did and both the families bonded really well (i was engaged three years ago and my then in-laws were horrible people so my parents were really big on seeing the guy's family hence the proposal was accepted as my in laws are genuinely nice people).

Fast forward to this year February (Just a few weeks before our wedding) a friend of mine asked how well I knew this guy to which I responded that we are still in the process of getting to know each other but we are content with being part of each others lives. Then this friend revealed that my Fiancé has been talking to a girl he met through a dating website and that girl said that this guy never disclosed that he was engaged to someone. So turns out my best friend also knew this dating website girl and we verified that my fiancé never had a romantic relationship with her and that they were just friends. He had also tried meeting her in Dubai but she wasn't available so they couldn't meet. I understand that they did not have any romantic relationship but the fact that he felt the need to meet someone on a dating app really bothered me and I confronted him about it and even said that we should postpone the wedding but he cried and begged me to give him a chance because he was never involved with that girl. My parents also said that he should be fine after shaadee because family is very nice and it isnt every day you get proposals from such nice family. I extremely reluctantly agreed and now we are married.

 

After Marriage:

 

Now after the wedding during our first month, he was extremely busy with work and didn't have much time for me even though he would hangout with his friends a couple of time till 2 am which only angered me even more. I felt worthless and continued questioning why he wanted to marry me in the first place. A few weeks ago, his facebook was logged in to his laptop and he wasn't home so I investigated a bit and found that throughout last year (the time of our dating) he was constantly trying to meet his ex girlfriend. The Ex did not seem interested at all - that much I gathered from her rude and one word responses to him but my guy was constantly trying to strike a conversation with her and he had even planned to meet her in Europe last year (That trip did not happen because he misunderstood his flight dates) but that girl had declined saying that she wasn't going to be in that part of the world. I confronted him and cried and cried and his initial response was that 'Nothing happened' - He had given me the same response to that dating app girl as well. But this time I told him that it hurts me not because something didn't happen but because he has been constantly trying to meet women and hasn't been faithful to me at all during this time. He has also messaged his ex once after our marriage but that was for some work and nothing else.

 

I've told him that he has completely lost my trust and that he needs to do something about it to gain it back else I can't live with him constantly thinking that he is out doing things with other women. I have anxiety issues and now I can't be in peace. Whenever he is being super nice to me, I see him checking his phone later (which he also takes with him to the washroom) and I start doubting him. I just know he is talking to other women and he will be taking another trip after ramzaan and I told him I dont trust him at all. He is being really nice to me these days but all of this is destroying me.

 

One thing is for sure, I do not want to rush into having children with him. I would like to do that once I fully trust him and I feel it would be unfair to bring a child in a doubtful and unhappy union.

 

Please advise that if now I should trust him completey and if there is a duaa I can make to give me peace of mind. I can't bring my self to trust him at all. I've seriously been considering leaving him because I can'\t live with someone I don't trust and he doesn't make efforts. He is a miser, not very ambitious about working and on top of that he was talking to other women and probably still is. What should I do?

PS: Should I perform Istikhara in this case to see whether this Union is good for both of us or not?

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4 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Based on the events and situations you described, it's likely he's been with other women, both before and during your marriage. Some people cheat when there's a breakdown or problem in a relationship, but serial cheating, which seems to be your husband's affliction, doesn't stop or change easily, if at all or ever. I have serial cheaters in my family and some who are friends or acquaintances, and only one actually changed and became a pious person and faithful husband and father. In most instances, though, serial cheaters DO NOT change.

    Also, men do not seek to be friends with women, there's usually a motive involving physical intimacy, and that's guaranteed if he's meeting women through a dating site. I'm the faithful type that can be with one woman, but I draw the line at being friends because it doesn't work for me. I just don't believe, like almost all men, that it's possible to have genuine friendships with women I find attractive. Our hormones predispose us to be physically or sexually attracted to women, and that aspect of nature is impossible to surpress.

    Your sentiments regarding your husband and his actions are good indicators that he's up to no good, even if he's been acting nice lately to you. I'd say it's a trick or ruse to hide his serial cheating activities. You should consider yourself fortunate that you have not yet had children. Just know that the odds that he'll change are extremely low; thus, consider that factor in determining both staying with him and having children. Also consider that he can catch a disease and pass it on to you.

    Finally, it seems to me that your husband could be a narcissist/sociopath. People with that type of condition tend to display and engage in those types of behaviors, and their victims' stories tend to sound like yours. Thus, it'd probably benefit you to read about narcissism. Kim Saeed has a lot of great information on the subject. You can read the information for free on Facebook and her website Letmereach. You'll learn about the narcissist's lies, conniving, manipulation and cheating, and all of these things are dangerous to your physical and emotional and mental health.

  2. Absolutely agreed with Lamar. He is right on the money. I'll give you three-step solution:

    1) First of all, if you talk to non-mahram males, stop doing it. Convince your husband that since I have stopped, you should stop as well even if you don't have bad intentions. Just restrict to saying salam and goodbye.

    2) Most likely, you and your husband are Pakistanis. Tell him that it's also against our culture for men to contact females privately esp after their marriages.

    3) The most important rule and that's a no-compromise esp if you are with a serial cheater. Tell him that you love and TRUST him but you don't love and trust Satan. He would want Muslims to commit sins. So, it's best to cut the root of sins. In this case, the root of the sins is your husband's proclivity to using his phone and facebook in private. Tell him that he can have your password to Facebook and have access to your mobile. Just tell him not to read on the conversations of all-female groups. The same should happen in his case. You shouldn't check in to his all-males groups. If you want your relationship to go any further, tell him that there would be nothing private and both of you would have access to each other's social media platforms.

    I wish you the best of luck in this marriage. Just pray Namaz five times a day, try to be more modest and if God bless you with children, raise them in an Islamic environmnet. God bless you!

  3. Sister I think he's not true to his words. If he really loved you he would have stopped communicating with his previous girl friends. And not only that you gave him the opportunity to change a few times but his answer was the same as before.

    You should consider whether he would be faithful to you for the rest of your lives together or will he switch again the moment he finds another nice and beautiful girl even though he's married and leave you in this state again.

    You need to think about this and decide what's best for You now. You don't deserve to be treated like this for the rest of your life do you.

  4. He will never change. It's a disease he has. The type of life he is living constantly, unfortunately marriage is not for him. You are married to the wrong person. Your parents shouldn't have pushed to continue with the wedding knowing his unfaithful character...few weeks before the wedding and committing this type of behavior should have been a big red flag!!

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