Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I take back my unfaithful wife and how do I trust her again?

"Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for other's faults, and do not do spying on one another, and do not practise Najash and do not be jealous of one another and do not hate one another, and do not desert (stop talking to) one another. And O Allah's worshippers! Be brothers!" (Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith No.92)."

I am a muslim man from morocco have been living with a danish women for 10 years without marriage,my parent who are very straight muslims has been very disappointed with me these years,as i have been a good kid in there home. I was raised up with deen went to mosque and arabic school,my problem is that after 10 years with the danish women she converted to islam,and i married her she learnt about about islam,we have three children,and now we are divorced,my reason to divorce here is that i had a suspiscion that she is cheating.

I had a family member who was calling me when I was working,that made suspiscious because I was driving cab, so I always called my wife to check if something was wrong,she answered sometimes and sometimes she will call me back,this family member had always information that he shouldn't have knowledge about as it was private,i t made me crazy and I warned my wife several times, but she always said that she was innocent. Last year i used google latitude to see if my suspiscion was right and it showed that she was places that made my suspiscion more justified,somebody began to call me with private number and hanging up when i took the phon.

I will not bother you with all the evidence that my former wife have excuses for. I have three nice children with her and i miss them a lot. I have being trying to talk to her in the hard and soft way to confess, talked with imams but she is always saying that she is innocent. I am so sad because i know that she is saying she is guilty but not directly, last month she wrote an sms where she is asking me to forgive her and take the family back,but when I confronted her she is saying something else ,that i did not understand the message,

Now my question is what can i do to make her understand that the truth is the only way to live together, i have worked so much for this family,i love my children alot but they are living with her. I stopped my work because of the problems she caused me,and my children is losing the islamic way of living, should I take her back and how will I ever trust her again when she have being lying for me so many years, she always says that she want her marriage back

-said1507


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5 Responses »

  1. Saalam Said,

    I am sorry for this heartbreak that you are experiencing, for sure being cheated on is the worst of feelings and someone that no one should go through.

    When a partner has an affair, it is like they have murdered the person that you were married to. They live, yet they die simultaneously. On the one hand, you grieve the loss of them, and on the other you hate them for doing it. It is a terrible, terrible emotion and may Allah give you the strength to overcome it.

    I think the first step for the two of you is to understand absolutely whether your suspicions are correct. The best way to do this is to say to your wife that in order to move forward, you need absolute honesty and it is only with this honesty that you can even think about attempting to reconcile. Assure her that her answer will not influence your decision because in your heart you already feel that you know the answer. Then, ask her to tell you if she had an affair or not and that you will have more respect for her if she tells you a truth that you dont want to hear, then if she tells you a lie that will please you. You can also tell her that these thoughts are torturing you and that she will be releasing you from horrible imaginings by just telling you the full story.

    Then, she may confess. Or, she may deny. You may ask "Did you come close to having an affair" or "Did you have a close personal relationship with another man". It may be that she came close, but did not go all the way. It may be that she is completely innocent. You have known her for 10 years, so you will know in that moment, after all of this, whether she is telling the truth or not. It could be that you are 50% correct and 50% wrong - so the key is to uncover the absolute truth and let her know that this is what you want.

    After that, the only way to move forwards - for you to have trust and for her to have honesty - marriage counselling is the only way that both of you can speak about your problems in a safe environment where you are both focused on mending you marriage.

    You can have a close family relationship with your children even if you and your wife are separated. The biggest question regarding this marriage is whether or not you want to. You may miss the comfort of married life - but feel that you cannot have that life with this particular woman after all that you have gone through. Or it may be that you love her still and you are willing to forgive her in return for honesty and a new future.

    There is a great deal of internal conflict here, and before you approach these conversations I recommend that you are clear in your own mind of what you are willing to forgive and what you are willing to not forgive. Then, when you go and speak to her - you can move the conversation forward according to your decision.

    Overall - anything is possible. Marriages can recover from anything if both parties want it so, and marriages can be destroyed by anything if both parties want it so. The secret is to know what you want going into the conversation, so that you are still clear about things when you come out of it.

    Take your time, and do not rush - there is a lot that is being affected here and the decisions you are thinking of making have deep emotional and psychological consequences. It is tempting to run toward a conclusion - but the best method is to wait until you are at your calmest, and take each step in control of yourself. This takes time, so give yourself a lot of thinking time.

    I pray Allah delivers you the truth in full, and that whatever that truth is - it opens up a positive and loving future for you whatever you decide.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother Said,

    I can feel the pain that you carry in your Heart. You are an extremely sensitive and sweet person, your Heart goes to your children and their Heart go to yours, have you considered that she may be telling the truth?.

    I am going to offer you a different scenary, because sometimes we just don´t see and she keeps saying she is innocent, why don´t give her an opportunity, you have evidences but not real proofs and this man´s calls, could it be possible that this man wanted something with her and she didn´t want to and the man was angry and that is why he called you, those calls sounds as a revenge, a strong need of damaging, and he got it..

    You know, one of the worst situations we can live is to live doubting, this man got his purspose, once the seed of doubt sprouts, it is like those wild grasses you can never get rid off, and destroys all the landscape you have worked so hard to get.

    My advice to you is the following, don´t give a thought to your wife for one week, take care of your children, but put her on a side during one week, if she comes to your mind, just send her love from Heart and keep moving, have your taxi back and begin to work, pray your salat on time, listen to the Adhan if you have the opportunity, make dua, as much as you want , read the Quran, get confident reciting the Names of Allah and His Attributes, this is a good exercise and would be nice to share with your children.

    After this week, one thought for her, if you still have doubts, look for Allah(swt) guidance, you have a link on Istikhara on top of the page, you will learn how to do it and you will feel closure to Allah´s guidance.

    Brother if you decide to go back with her, believe her, don´t doubt, when we are doubting a cloud of smoke covers our eyes and we see what we want to see, I am not saying you are right or wrong, just that we have to trust, if we don´t, our life is hell and for that better stay seperated, that is why I am telling you if you want to give your family a chance do it with a transparent heart, if she has a clean heart, the reward will be inmensely, and if she doesn´t, Allah(swt) will make Justice sooner or later.

    Your Heart is showing you everyday since you wake up the direction to move, follow your Heart , brother. Have your life back noone has the right to steal your life from you. You deserve to enjoy being alive, your work hasn´t been a waste, you have strong roots, after this storm of sand, your eyes will see clearer than before and never again you will let anyone shake your roots, because your trus on Allah(swt) is unshakeble, Alhamdulillah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalamu alaykum Brother Said,

    May Allah have mercy upon you and restore your family back to you soon, Insha Allah.

    Brother, a prayer from the heart to Allah can get you what you want, insha Allah. Just a true prayer from what is felt truely by the heart and Allah is ready to respond to you, Insha Allah.

    He reveals something for you in His Book:

    19. O ye who believe! It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the women (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them that ye may take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good. - Surah An Nisaa.

    Suspicion ruins relations between brothers, parents and children, husband and wife and between friends.

    12. O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that (so abhor the other)! And keep your duty (to Allah). Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful.
    13. O mankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made `you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware. 14. The wandering Arabs say: We believe. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Ye believe not, but rather say `We submit,' for the faith hath not yet entered into your hearts. Yet, if ye obey Allah and His messenger, He will not withhold from you aught of (the reward of) your deeds. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
    - Surah Hujuraat.

    May Allah help you and restore your family back to you and remove suspicions from your mind, Insha Allah.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  4. Salaam Brother,

    You are going thru difficult times in life... we do not wish to go thru this probem or any similar problems for these are so painful. We all wish and pray for a wonderful marriage, a trustful husband/wife but life is not always perfect...especially when it comes to marriage with someone from a different culture. She must have felt lonely and perhaps un-loved and lost for her to have had an affair (if she did) but if she is repenting and wanting you back, then you must believe her and keep moving forward. Brother, we are not perfect human beings and sometimes we need to go thru turbulance in order to appreciate what we have. If she is willing to come back to you, do it. Perhaps this will bring you even closer together and perhaps you will also realize that you too need to change in this relationship. Lots of communication is a Must ! Take her out and enjoy her and your children... spend more time with them, not only keep them in mind and heart but physically join in some of the responsibilities such as physically being there ! Work will always be there !! Do give them and yourself another chance and let the past be the Past!!! Do not punish her for the past for one must forgive and move on --- Decide and move on -- either way, make a choice and stick to it or it will dwell on forever and your children need YOU as much and even more than you need them. Good Luck.

  5. Salaam Brother,
    I know this has been very upsetting to you and I feel your pain. Many years ago I had married my second time and I knew that the community that I lived in was filled with people of all kinds of hearts. My husband and I were of different faiths(hindu) and I joined Islam. Best choice of all I married for my child from previous marriage and he had children from previous marriage. We combined our children as one unit . No one knew any different. Short story to tell you. I never made a move without first disscussing with my husband. Even when he was out of country. People(his men friends tried to come to my home even knowing he was out of town. I called my husband and told him of this(Never let anyone in your home if husband is not home). He knew that this would happen and he trusted me. Trust your wife not hear say. People will try to break up a home because they are unhappy. People love to see drama. Today my husband and I are still in love as first day we met. Children all graduates of Universities and living a good life. Trust her and tell her of what you expect and give forgiveness. Times in a marriage are always giving and taking. She must give of herself only to you and give respect to you. Donot believe others and give them the ok to spy on her. If this continues to happen take her in front of people who tell you things about her and confront them.This will prove to you who is lying . Cut back on your working a little . She too feels lonely for you. There is a special bond between husband and wife that no other person should tamper with. If you still have love for her tell her. Sometimes just a look in your eyes can tell her how much you care. Not gifts or trinkets. Sit down with her and give her your time alone without children around and family and thave that one on one true talk. It may take time to fully trust her totally, but is it not worth a try to save your marriage and be with your children. This letter is long but I feel you must give her another chance, but she too must understand that if she is lying to you it will come out sooner or later by the way the converstion goes.
    May peace be with you and your family.

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