Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We talk on the phone as ‘friends,’ is this halal?

I am practising to be a good muslim but I have a boyfriend. He has also turned religous. We don't see each other and we just talk by texting is that allowed, we are planing to get married after two years because we are 17 years old now.

We have tried to stop communicating twice and we thought if we stop talking and everything then meet after 2 years and get married but we couldn't do it.

Please tell me if this is halal relation by just talking on the phone as friends.

-61011


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalamualikum

    In Isalam it's haram to keep this type of relation.
    You can tell it to your parents & the boy also tell to his parents.
    They can give the best solution.
    Coz over phone talking is not enough way to know each toher.
    May be both of u feel love for each other but after marraige most of the
    cases i have seen everything has changed.
    So tell your parents wht is going on.
    They can give u the best solution.
    If ur parents r Pleased on u then Almight Allah will pleased on u.
    I m a suffere coz i get married a man withouth my parents permission.
    Now i m struggling of my cojugal life.

    May Allah help u dear sister.

    Sarah

  2. I do understand your dilemma and the fact that you are scared of losing him but it is not halal for you both to be talking on the phone in this way. Or at all for that matter dear sister.

    There are different levels of zina dear sister. Zina of the private parts is the worst form - which is pre-marital sex. But there is also zina of the eyes - looking at someone of the opposite sex lustfully or lovingly (this includes pictures) and zina of the mouth - speaking to a non-mahram alone. (including on the phone.)

    These are wrong because anything that leads to a sin is a sin in Islam. In the Qur'an Allah has not just told us not to commit zina He has told us not to come anywhere near zina. And by the steps you both are taking - however small they are likely to lead you closer and closer to zina. Zina is haraam for good reasons - Allah swt would not forbid something that is good for us. It leads to shame, guilt, despair and problems. As well as diseases, unwanted pregnancy, abortions. And broken hearts too. Sex is something Allah has created as a blessing in marriage to express love. It is something beautiful and something which can leave a person vulnerable. Therefore many girls (and some guys) find themselves torn. "Will he/she love me after I've given myself?" "How could he/she leave me - I gave them everything." It causes so much heartbreak and pain- and worst of all: It displeases Allah and is a major sin.

    One added problem of having a boyfriend or girlfriend is parents. Some couples find themselves being together secretly for many months or even years. They agree to tell parents and get married after sometime. If they do end up telling their parents, many find the parents refuse. So they end up splitting up. And after all those years together they have become attached to one another making it very difficult.

    My advice to you dear sister is to stop speaking to him on the phone or by text. If you fear hurting him send him an email to explain that for Islamic reasons you have to cut off contact - and of course purify your intention first and do it for Allah (swt). Ask Him to give you this guy in marriage if he is right for you. It will be difficult but Allah swt will replace this guy with something far better. Do istikhaarah salat (scroll to top of page and see links on Istikhaarah Qs & As)

    If you are sure about marrying him then take the plunge and speak to your parents - and get him to speak to his too. I know it's scary because your both young but generally this should InshaAllah avoid you falling for someone you can't marry. And if your parents agree then you will be able to meet him with them present. This would be halal. Also if they agree you may be able to convince them to do a small nikah so you can both be alone together. (Nikah will make you both lawful for one another as husband and wife and it is not necessary for you to move in straight away if your finances are not sorted.) This can work well for some.
    InshaAllah I will post some good links on zina etc - it is very important to know about so we can take steps to avoid it.

    Please click on links below to read these articles - they are very useful MashaAllah!
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/the-sin-of-adultery-and-fornication-part-2/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/the-sin-of-adultery-and-fornication-part-3/

    Good video:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJndzTc6G-0&sns=fb

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Scary: The Story of Barsisa

    "There were three brothers from Bani Israel who were called upon to go on Jihad. These three brothers had a sister who did not have any one else to be taken care other that by them. They did not know under whose care could they leave the young woman. Then they thought that the most reasonable place to leave her was with the Abid (worshipper) because he was the most trusted man in town. Barsisa, the Abid was a man who used to be in a monastery devoted to worship of ALLAH.

    So they went to him and said, ” We are being enlisted to go on Jihad and we want to leave our sister with you. We trust no one in town but you.”

    Barsisa replied “Audhu billah, get away from me.” This was an Abid who was not married and he did not want to deal with these problems.

    The brothers said, “We have no where else to leave our sister but with you. We don’t trust anyone else.”

    So Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “If u don’t accept, she might be left with somebody who might not be trustworthy.You have to step-up and take this responsibility.”

    So Barsisa told the brothers, “Leave her in the empty house.” (which was seperate from the monastery where he was staying). The brothers then left her there and went on Jihad.

    After that, Barsisa the Abid used to leave food at his doorstep and the young woman had to come out of her house and walk all the way to take the food from his doorstep. Barsisa never used to leave from his monastery. Barsisa had never met her and they were not seeing each other. Days passed by like this.

    One day, Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “Somebody might see her when she is walking out. So rather than have her leave from her house. You need to carry it and leave at her doorstep.” So he started leaving the food at her doorstep. This happened for many days.

    Again one day, Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “You can’t just leave the food at her doorstep. Somebody might see her when she opens the door and she is very beautiful. You would have to take the food and leave it inside her room.” So Barsisa would go and knock on the door. She would open and he would walk inside and leave the food there. That continued for a while.

    Then again one day Shaytan said, “You can’t leave this poor woman alone without giving her any company. Nobody is speaking to her. So she may be feeling very lonely and that might lead to haram. So why don’t you go and talk to her from behind the door.” Barsisa liked the idea and so for a while he would sit outside and just talk to her for HOURS. Slowly and slowly the relationship was building up and Shaytan was finding it easier to drag him to the next step.

    Shaytan then came and said, “You can’t just sit there talking to her, people might see you. You need to go inside, just sit in another room without looking at her and talk to her.” So for sometime that is what he did. Slowly she started getting closer to him and everytime they got more and more close to the extent that eventually he comitted zina (fornication) with her.

    So the Abid, the worshipper who devoted his life to service in the monastery comitted zina. Because of that, she became pregnant and delivered a boy.

    Then Shaytan came to Barsisa and said,”Now when the brothers come back and find out that their sister has a child you are going to be in big trouble. The only way for you to put an end to this issue is to kill the baby.” Barsisa followed the advice of Shaytan and killed the child.

    But it didn’t end there. Shaytan came to him and said, “Do you think that this woman will keep the secret after you kill her own child? The only way out is to kill her.” So Barsisa killed her and burried both mother and child in a certain location inside the house.

    Later the brothers came back and inquired about their sister. Barsisa gave some reason and said, “She had passed away and this is where she is burried.” Saying that he pointed to a false grave.

    Then Shaytan went to the brothers and made them see a dream. In that dream they were told that Barsisa killed their sister and the proof was that she was burried in a different location (i.e. under the rock inside the house).

    When the brothers woke up they started talking to each other and found out that they all had seen the same dream. They thought that there must be some truth in it. So they went and uncovered the grave which Barsisa had pointed to and found it empty. Then they went inside the house and found the rock as mentioned in the dream. On digging underneath the rock they found their sister’s dead body along with that of the child.

    So they went to Barsisa and forced him to disclose the secret of what happened. He went ahead and told them the whole story. The three brothers took Barsisa to the king’s court and he was given punishment of execution.

    While Barsisa was being dragged to his execution spot, Shaytan came to him and said, “Listen Barsisa I am Shaytan and it was me who was in communication with you since this whole thing started and not your inner thoughts. Now I can get u out of this trouble if you want. I am the one who put you in this trouble in the first place and I can get u out of it.”

    Barsisa asked, “What should I do?”

    Shaytan said, “Do sujood to me and I will save you.”

    Barsisa did sujood to Shaytan (i.e. committed shirk) and as soon as he did so, Shaytan ran away and Barsisa was executed."

    So this shows SubhanAllah how easilyy the smallest sin/look/glance can be the stepping stone to larger sins and then to full zina. And in Barsisa's case it led to bigger sins and shirk. Barsisa was an Abid (a devout worshipper - who was very God fearing) So it is easy to slip up.

    Thats not to say we cannot interact with the opposite gender in certain environments such as school/work if its necessary but we have to have strict limits - keep interaction to that which is necessary and never ever be alone with someone of the opposite sex because shaytaan is the third when this happens. Do not flirt and be aware that there is no good reason for us to have flirty/over friendly conversations.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • sallam sister

      wow youve really opened my eyes. a ristah came for me and the guy asked me (not infornt of our family) to meet him next week. I will definitly say no inshallah God give me strength. i think sometimes your so worried about looking someone your focus on that person and not on your deen!

      thanks for this post im so glad i came across it i nearly commited a huge mistake! were so lucky to have a forum like this were we can ask questions or read other peoples problems! its when you share your problems you learn from them!

      jazakallah

      Allah hafiz

    • Sister Sara very scary story..

  4. If u cant nikah yet, you can get engaged with him 😀 engage can be done when both sides of the family meets up and both agree on the marriage. So ask ur parents whether u can get engaged for 2 years 😀

  5. sister have sabr. well things may some times seem easy . But try to do it in order invovlving parents ... Love z nt wrng bt expresng bfr marraige .

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