Tension in the house makes me feel like giving up
Salaam All,
Well my story is pretty long and I don't exactly know where to start, but I'll try to be as concise as possible. I have just finished my undergrad at University. Allhumdulillah, I have always been academically very strong and I used to have big dreams for myself. I wanted to be a doctor.
But right now because of the situation at home, I really couldn't care less about my future. I basically have given up on life. I'm an only child, and for the past decade I have seen my parents bicker, fight, and insult each other.
I know that's nothing new, but what I'm experiencing at home is not the norm-- they really don't like each other at all and theres always this dark cloud of tension looming in our house. It's not a nice place to be in and no one hardly speaks to each other. And when my parents do talk to each other, it's a screaming match and they say some really nasty things to each other, which just keeps escalating.
I'm emotionally scarred and wrecked beyond repair. It wasn't always like this but I am starting to think that someone's evil eye has destroyed our family.
I have faced a lot of stress and depression because of my parents but despite that I always performed well in school. I think to distract myself, I put in all of my energy into my academic career. Now I've just graduated university and I can't really make a career out of my science degree. I knew this before, but like I said, somewhere along the way I just gave up on myself and said whatever -- I'll get the best job I can and remain happy.
It's been a few months now and I haven't been hired and everyone I talk to tells me that I"m wasting my life and potential by not continuing my education. Everyone including my parents tells me I should go to dental/med school and when I sit down and think about it, if I do have to go to grad school to start a career, I'd like to go for medicine as I can't imagine being satisfied doing anything else. The thing is, med school is a long process (at least 5 years long) and no matter which school I go to, I will have to move away from home.
That's what is holding me back as right now. I'm the tension breaker in the house and I get petrified when I think about how much worse things will get if I move away and my parents are left just with each other. The only reason they have stayed together is for their child and if that factor goes away, I don't know what will happen. Everytime I pray namaaz or just make dua on its own, I always ask Allah to save their marriage and will continue to do so, but at some point I have to be a realist about their situation.
Now I'm facing this dilemma and I don't know what to do. If I go to med school, yes I will have a bright future in terms of a career, but down the line, I'll feel extremely guilty and selfish for not being there to try and make the situation better. If I don't go, yes I will be present in the house, but internally I'll always regret giving up on myself for a situation that I've figured out by now, is not in my hands to save anyways. That will cause another prolonged phase of depression AND, I along with my parents, will be disappointed in me as they really value my education and have made a lot of sacrifices for it.
What should I do?
- vltlights
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As salamu alaykum vltlights,
This is just my personal opinion, take it with a pinch of salt, you are the only one that can take your own decisions, every move you will make will have consequences, be conscious of this.
You should sit with your parents and talk to them about the deep pain and the big responsibility you carry for their behaviour, they should realize they are the adults and that you are the son, insha´Allah.
Your parents need to know all that it is in your Heart and how it is affecting you, your life and your decisions in life. Reassure them how much you love them, I believe someway they need to know it and how important is for you that they are loving and respectful between them.
About your parents, I may tell you something, if you go to study medicine as it is your dream, that will affect them, but maybe not in the negative way you think, once you talk to them, they will have the choice of talking to themselves as adults and they can choose to respect and love themselves, it is never too late to make this choice, give them the opportunity to resolve their own problems, it seems like you have acted as the parent and you have been controlling them all your life, time to change this, you need to let them live their life, they need to grow up, and you deserve to be lifted from that responsibility, insha´Allah.
Your responsibility now, and in this I agree with everyone around you is to go for excellence in your dream. You can do it and everyone around you will do their best while you are doing it yourself, every step you take affects everyone around you, included me, then be joyful, they want you to study, you can give them the opportunity to be their best helping you to do it.
All your life you had a dream, and that dream someway is the dream of your parents too, you are important for a lot of people, and if you choose to follow your dream and be your best, you will become someone that will be an example for many that don´t have the courage to do it.
May Allah (swt) give Peace and Comfort to your Heart and guide all of us to the Straight Path. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah Vltlights,
Ah, but you see you failed to realize something despite the fact that you're so smart MashaAllah! There are different kinds of relationships, a 'husband and wife' relationship shouldn't involve too much of the children. That's the parents in them, not the 'huband and wife' in them. Their love can only grow based off of each other, not someone else that they mutually love. Let me explain, you've basically been babysitting your parents in the hopes that they remain together. Or rather to keep it together, obviously it is clearly not working. Sometimes "you have to be cruel to be kind" and though it isn't cruel at all for you to want to study (you just perceive it this way). Parents like any human are not perfect and make mistakes, sometimes BIG mistakes. They need support and love, but they also need 'room to grow' as children do. Relationships are continuously changing sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Your concern should be that your relationship between your parents and yourself is good. Their relationship with each other obviously concerns you but not to the point where you cannot move on with your life. Life must go on and you have make one for yourself. Learn from their mistakes, but try not to let it get you down. Your depression and sadness will not last forever InshaAllah, it is a consequence of a horrible marital relationships which is why sometimes divorce is the better option.
If you want to do anything for your parents I suggest you try and get them in counselling, or at least a good self-help marriage book. Try this one "7 Principles to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman Ph.D ". It's an excellent look into how relationships works and where they're going wrong. It offers different activities to help improve relationships and excellent advice.
Right now you have to understand the best way to help them, is to help yourself. Please do that for them, don't give up on yourself. As you said they depend on you to break off the tension but in many ways they also depend on you to make it; their sacrifice for you will all be worth it. Perhaps them staying together is not entirely just for you, and maybe there are deeper internal fears, hopes and love that you don't even realize. The point is there is no benefit in you dwelling on what you cannot control. Make sincere efforts in what you can control, always ask Allah subhanhu wa tala especially for that which is beyond your capacity. I think you need to be on your own with some positive energy, and I think your parents need alone time to decide what they want to make of their relationship. It isn't fair to expect them to continue being hostile with each other for the sake of their child and they need to know how you honestly feel about their attitude towards each other. Sometimes parents need a wake up call!
Be strong, don't feel guilty, lift your head up and thank Allah subhanhu wa tala for the blessings you do HAVE and use them! 🙂 Don't despair-continue to always be so loving, just remember love takes courage and sacrifice. Take care of yourself!
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswer.com Editor
As-salamu alaykum,
Maria and Umm Abdullah have given excellent responses. So I'll just say that it's not your responsibility to referee your parents' marriage. In fact it's not even your business. If they are meant to stay together and they are good together, they will work it out. If not, then nature will take its course. Frankly, some marriages are not meant to be saved.
Let your parents work out their own problems. Live your own life, and let them live theirs.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum vltlights.
Am sorry to hear about your parents. Its pretty horrible to be in that sort of environment. I completely agree with all comments posted on here, so I wont reiterate. I wanted to offer an science educational perspective. I also am finishing an undergraduate science degree so I understand where you are coming from. I am confused about what I want to do in the future. (Stuck between about 5 completely different options!) and I also feel a bit like I've given up, although alhumdulilah, my family are fine so its not related to that. What I'm trying to say, is its quite normal for some people to feel this way.
Science degrees are particularly difficult, and draining and suddenly going from working hard to finding no assignments, no exams is a shock. (Im dreading it - May Allah swt make me patient.) So be aware of this. Also assuming you are in the UK?, finding a job is extremely difficult at these times as long as you are making the effort to apply to good jobs and being proactive thats good enough. Try to use your time efficiently while searching. Do voluntary work, learn something.
Totally understand the whole med/dentist thing. People (older generation) think Im crazy for doing science without medicine. So dont give in to the pressure. Do what you ENJOY - dont ever try to do it for anyone else. If you really 100% want to do medicine, dont let these issues with your parents stop you. Your having a 'block' its normal, but try to come out of it and prepare for application. Do istakhaarah if your not sure. Medicine is very intense so be prepared! Also dont let small faliures knock you back.
If Allah swt has written it for you, nothing can stop it coming your way, and if He has not ordained it for you, then nothing anyone does can make it come your way. This is the same with all things inc. the situation with your parents.
I recommend making Istakhaarah, and asking Allah swt to give you whats best for you (and your parents) and make you (all) pleased with it. Ask Allah to give you strength for whatever the future holds.
Always hold firmly to your salat, no matter how busy you are with studies and InshaAllah you will always be successful.
I pray that Allah swt helps you and your parents with this problem and makes you (and us all) successful in this life and the next.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor