Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Terrible relationship between parents and son

Criminal record - man being fingerprinted

"I now have a criminal record and can't find a job..."


I'm unsure exactly how to start, but I need some advice from someone better educated than I. I lived with my parents all my life. I got married last year and still lived with them. 1 month ago we all left the house we where in and moved into apartments instead of owning a house. We threw the house away from all the bad memories in that house.

I love my parents both and my father is also my best friend. My father hits my mom beats her a lot. He has been that way all my life since I was really young. My mother once left the house for 7 months to get away from him. My father tried to burn down the house one time and I took the blame for it with the police. He did not tell me to I just did it to protect my father.

I now have a felony on my record and cant seem to finish school or find a job anywhere. If I don't do what my father exactly wants or suggest me to do he then turns around and gets mad at me, stops talking to me, does not want to have anything between us.

I also took care of my parents in my life and still do now but they are refusing any help from me. They dont want anything to do with me. They keep saying I changed after I got married but its not true. My wife never told me lets move out etc.

They are thinking about things all wrong and look at me and think of me in the wrong way. I try everything to get them to see me, but nothing works. I feel bad like I've done something wrong to them but I have not done a thing.

I pray and say duah for them daily. I dont know if I'm doing something haram or wrong with them. They are old 45 and 55 and both are sick. I help them in any way shape or form I can, but now they just refuse it all. My father barely works.

What should I do in this case?  I'm lost. I need help. I ask my wife and we sit and talk but we can never figure out whats wrong.  Please help me!

Thank you.

- mohammad

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2 Responses »

  1. Dear Brother Mohammad - Asalaamualaikum,

    I may not be more educated than you, but I shall try to help you inshaAllah. Having said that I do not think it takes a highly educated person to stand back and see what a psychologically damaging situation you are in.

    I do not think you realise this - but from what you have said, it appears that both your parents have major 'emotional issues', your father may possibly have 'mental health issues' and you are being emotionally black mailed by both your parents.

    You have grown up in a life of violence and abuse - and through no fault of your own, the way you speak about your father beating your mother seems almost like another 'normal' thing that one does. You have taken responsibility for a serious crime to protect your father; maybe because you wanted to prove your love for him; but Mohammed - this is not the way to show love for someone. In lying for your father, you have damaged and limited what you can achieve in the future and this will affect your family including your children aswell. I will not tell you what to do, but I do not believe that what you have done by lying for your father has benefitted any of you, including your father.

    With regards to parents, of course we have to love, respect them and obey them; but this does not allow them to take advantage of their position and this exactly what they are doing to you.

    I think you have made a very good decision to move away from them as this is the first step to breaking the fear they have instilled in you. You are your own person, you have to think of your own well being and that of your wife and having such negativity and vile behaviour from your father will only drag you down. I appreciate they are sick and need help - but Mohammed, how can you help your parents, when they are making you become 'sick'? Continue trying to help you parents, but you need to be physically and mentally strong yourself first, in order to help your anyone else.


    - You must understand that your parent's behaviour towards you and towards each other is 'wrong', 'unhealthy' and known as 'domestic violence' and 'emotional abuse'. Admitting this does not mean that you do not love your parents. Admitting this will help break the cycle of abuse and move forward.

    - I would strongly advise you too see a good counsellor as this has no doubt affected your self-esteem and outlook on life.

    - And if your father is physically abusing your mother - this should really be reported to the police. I am aware that in the UK unless a woman admits to the physical abuse from her husband, there is not much the police can do. However, if you have witnessed the violence first hand, this may help in taking some action. Reporting your father to the police is a big step for you, but Mohammad - he does need help and this may be the only way of ensuring that happens.

    Anyhow - first of all seek help for youself, as dealing with 'oneself' is the first step to changing any situation.

    I understand this is a very complex and sensitive case and there are many issues here that need to be addressed. I found your case to be extremely overwhelming and I feel very concerned about your mental health and well-being. Brother, please do go and see a counsellor as soon as possible.

  2. Salaam dear brother,

    I think I can see what is going on here.

    The relationship you have with your father is a very toxic one. You regard him as your best friend, however he is violent to your mother, allowed you to take the blame for his bad action (which, as the father – he should never, ever do), he stops speaking to you when you don’t obey him and he wants to cut the relationship between you when he dislikes your action.

    There is a psychological paradox called Stockholm Syndrome in which people form very strong emotional bonds to the people that abuse them and I fear that there may be some elements of this is in your question.
    I can also read from what you explain of your father that he is a very abusive individual and a bully. This is why you can’t make sense of him – because you are trying to find logical explanations to his behaviors when actually, he is only seeking power, control and dominance over you for the sake of having power control and dominance.

    It has become important to you to keep your father happy, and you feel great fear, anxiety and stress when he is rejecting you because you feel that without his approval your life is worthless. This is a survival psychology that has developed inside of you as you have been growing up in this toxic household and now that same psychology is causing you pain and anguish giving rise to emotions such as hopelessness, depression, stress, confusion and despair.

    Having a criminal record is a barrier that can be overcome (read about Duncan Bannatyne, the business mogul who started his first business due to having a criminal record and not being able to find a job), as is having a bad childhood (like our orphan Prophet pbuh), as is growing up in an abusive environment, and now being in an adult environment in which abuse continues in the form of rejection, emotional abandonment, displeasure, guilt and distancing from the parent / abuser.

    Dear brother, you must heal yourself emotionally and learn how to live a healthy happy life outside of your parents and become resistant to the emotional agonies that they cause to you and the only way to do that is through therapy, education and learning. You cannot change the way they are, however you can change the impact that they have on you and your life, and you can live a happy, successful life in spite of everything you have written here on this page.

    The key for you is in healing yourself and learning to identify healthy from unhealthy behavior. I would recommend you read about Stockholm Syndrome and abuse and then attend counseling in your area so that you can regain the emotional strength and power necessary to overcome the circumstances you face.

    I fully support agree with Sister Z’s advice to see a counselor so you can move on with power and inspiration into a brighter, more beautiful future.


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