Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tests and obstacles to marrying again



I am 25+ divorcee. I am brought up in an unstable home but Allah had plans for me to learn Islam through my trials of divorce and I started seeking knowledge.

I returned home and there were problems for my parents to accept me increasing in my religion especially my mother. Her insecurities have caused many issues between me and her, however some have subsided.

My mother had issues with her in-laws and over time she came to expect from me to keep her respect in my dad's family. So if any of his relatives talk to me she will feel really angry since she was not given the importance etc. She will hold me responsible for all the bad things in life that happened to her and will blame me for not getting good proposal and how ppl treat me.  She had anger issues and lots of insecurities due to which her relationship with me turns sour to a very bad extent. I am basically her punching bag and on which all her wishes are forced upon. I sometimes become overly emotional and sometimes get so stressed that i cant hold myself back. She has cursed me because of this,

I have come to realize that because I might have angered my mother a lot by not being able to support her as she wished me, and I have not been able to make  her happy, Allah is also not pleased with me, hence that is why I'm not getting good proposals or that get engaged but some big obstacle comes and the engagement is broken.

I feel by now I should be married so that I can give my parents their own space and me being there constantly makes them feel restricted because I am the only one practicing Islam and they do as they feel convenient, dad has changed a bit but mom does not feel good if I advice her.

I feel sometimes I will never be able to get married seeing her controlling behaviour and my self confidence hitting the floor. I feel so vulnerable at times that I panic thinking about how will I survive in marriage and its difficulties, I grow very anxious frequently especially in matters of relationships.

There were proposals who literally took advantage of me being divorcee, not respecting my parents or using small things like I'm elder to the guy... divorcee status, too much islamic as being reasons to reject a proposal or either I'm asked to not be "too islamic"...

I am now starting to feel that there is no one who will want to accept me. I lose my hope and become depressed sometimes as I dont know what to do, I have friends with whom I share my difficulties except that of me and my mom's issues.

These issues mainly make me loose my patience because every method I try unless I dont say yes to her she will be rude, verbally abusive to wards me until I agree to her and do as she says even if it means talking roughly back to my dad's relatives or not talking to them. I am not a smart person and I often say things straight forward which makes her more angry, I dont know how to be diplomatic. I am also very sensitive and get easily hurt...I have tried changing myself but fail.

I have failed to show the love and fear of Allah to my parents, alll they understand from me is Islam is restricting and I am rude to parents. I may be very wrong in expressing myself, I am dying to get the love and care I lost in my 1st marriage. My parents don't understand me at times and it gets hard to tell them what I'm going through.

Whenever the proposal came from an unmarried guy, either his mother has issues where the guy is not strong to convince his mother or he suggests not disclosing my marital status to his family.

My parents are old and have health issues. Its difficult to find out clearly about someone correctly. and based on out experience we have been repeatedly betrayed by so many men and their families. Allahu Aalam, why this happened! I feel it is so difficult to trust again.



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8 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!,

    Dear Sister Muslimah2015,

    I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions. To be better understand your situation and try my best to help you. Do you have any siblings? How long has it been since your divorce? Can you enlighten me as to it's circumstances? And which country are you from? (If you feel uncomfortable in sharing this information, then you do not need to.)

    It is said, "that Paradise lies at the feet of your mother."

    I don't need to say this but you are well familiar with your mother, you know how she is. You should be a source of love and happiness for her. Her Honor is your Honor as well. From my own personal opinion, how I see your situation: Your mother seems deeply concerned for you. She might had some issues with her in-laws and she May Perhaps be trying to help you, by telling you to avoid them or keep no communication open with them. But her manner of approaching you is different from what it should be. She may also feel alone, have you ever considered that? She may think, her inlaws have good terms with her husband (your father) and are trying to make good terms with you just to get to her. To make her feel isolated or unwanted in their circle. Or make her feel less of a family member. She might be talking to you, from her fear of things. And you should try to soothe her with love and care. Just listen to her, you don't need to do anything.

    If she is approaching you, and she is trying to communicate with you, trying to share something with you. A mother would never want anything bad for her children. Just listen her out. All you have to do is listen to her, and understand her view and perspective. This itself is an act of kindness. Don't put any hurdles in the way. Just listen to her patiently and quietly, you will learn to see how calm she will feel, if she feels you are really listening and understanding her. Just like you need people to listen to you and understand you, she is also reaching out to you. You should make your mother feel that you will always be on her side. That you adore her above all. These little things that we often take for granted that our parents know already. Sometimes it just helps if they hear it from you once in a while.

    They are your parents, if you think you know something that is for their betterment. Put it infront of them as a suggestion. And leave them to think about it. I hope you are not forceing your parents to change or demanding that they do as you tell them to. Because sister they are your parents. And they will always do what they want or how they want. you can choose to share your thoughts with them in a gentle and nice manner. (Although I am not aware of much of the situation, I just thought I should share my thoughts with you).

    One more thing, try to put yourself in your mothers shoes, would you not react the same way? Think about it, it's food for thought. When you see your daughter getting alone with the people you don't get along with, how would you feel?

    Please do not give up hope and feel despair. Be patient, what is meant to be will be. and what is not meant to be can never be. Allah (SWT) is watching over you, He is the most merciful and beneficent

    As far as you receiving proposals for marriage. Have patience. If they are not working out, they are for the better. And it is better they walk out now, than later when you get married and then they leave you. Eventually when you meet the right guy, there will be no issues or concerns Inshallah. Don't try to rush or push yourself completely is the very next marriage proposal you get.

    If you show too much of an interest or if you seem too anxious , they might get suspicious and red flags might go off. I am sure you don't want to give them the wrong impression. Your intentions and desires are good. You want to complete half of your deen.

    Take it one step at a time. First find the right guy, analyse and understand him see if you get along. Is he the one who will help you raise your emaan. Is he a good muslim. Does he have any flaws or faults. Do you think you can still continue to live a happy life being well aware of his flaws. Would he prove to be a good father. Would he prove to be a good son-in-law to your parents, and look after them and care for them.Wait for the green light from both your parents. Do an Isthekhara. If the isthekhara goes well. Then start to invest yourself in him. With time and energy. After you get a nikah. It is mentioned, there is a proper islamic way to approach the matter. Study it, in light of Islam if you are unfamiliar with it.

    But if you are going to rush into a relationship, then it will end in the same manner it started.
    Take things slow. Don't just thrust all your hopes and dreams on the next person, and then quickly get disappointed and feel defeated. It will hurt you. And it might even take away the little hope that you have in you. That fight that you have to find your happiness and peace. I can understand that your divorce under no circumstances what so ever was an easy transition for you. so please sister I advice you to be careful. You said that you have been repeatedly been betrayed by many men. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? it's a good thing so you know before hand about them. instead of regretting while it is in the later.

    Surely that is a better way for you to go on about it. If you have relatives from your mother's side. Talk to your mother, ask her to assist you. to ask your relatives help in the matter of you getting engaged and married to the right guy. Make your relatives look into the familiar and characters of the boys beforehand.

    In the end, I would like to say. they say even in our parents anger and punishments there is love for us in it. I can relate to your situation sister, you have my complete sympathies with you. I know you are in a difficult and hard place and you are doing your best. And inshallah i will pray for you. I can relate to your situation, because I grew up in a family where my father always used a heavy hand on me. It was much later that I learned that he wanted me to be strong and rise up to the challenges, he wanted me to become a strong person cause he knew what I would face in the world once I grow up. But at the time, I could not see that when I was young.

    Take care

  2. As-salamu `alaykum.
    All Praise is due to Allah; we begin with His name and
    turn to Him in all of the tests He puts forward to
    strengthen us. May He shower peace and blessings
    upon Muhammad, the Seal of the Prophets, his family,
    companions, and those who follow his way until the Day
    of Judgment. May Allah, the most Kind, most Merciful
    bestow upon you His peace and tranquility and replace
    your sadness and frustration with tawakkul (putting
    one’s trust in Allah), yaqeen (certainty) and sakina
    (divine tranquility).
    First, my dear sister, let me assure you that Allah Most
    High is All-Hearing. He hears the calls of all His
    servants. Allah assures us of this and tells us that He
    hears the du`aa' (supplication) of the supplicant. Allah
    also tells us that if we come to Him walking, He will
    come to us running.
    Never ever despair in your du`aa' to Him, even if you do
    not see your du`aa's being answered. Always remember
    that Allah is as we expect of Him. By this we mean that if
    we make du`aa' and expect that Allah will answer it, then
    Allah will answer our du`aa' . But if we make du`aa' and
    we expect that Allah will not answer it, or we are
    uncertain, thinking He may or may not answer it, then
    our du`aa's may not be answered. This is why when we
    make du`aa', we do not say, “Oh Allah, grant me so and
    so in sha’ Allah. ” We must always be definite in our
    du`aa's . We do not ask Allah for something and then say
    “if you will” because Allah will only answer it if He wills
    anyway. The other thing that we need to keep in mind is
    the nature of du`aa' that they may be answered in three
    1. It may be answered right away or at a time decreed by
    2. Allah may not answer that specific du`aa' but in its
    place avert some kind of calamity or disaster befalling
    3.Allah may reserve that du`aa' for us and give it to us
    in the Hereafter
    So ,although a person may not see their du`aa's being
    answered immediately, know that Allah may have
    answered it in other ways by protecting us or reserving
    it to be answered in the Hereafter, when we will be even
    more grateful for it being answered.
    (i just copy paste this answer:-)

  3. May I further add,

    You wrote:
    "There were proposals who literally took advantage of me being divorcee, not respecting my parents or using small things like I'm elder to the guy... divorcee status, too much islamic as being reasons to reject a proposal or either I'm asked to not be "too islamic"..."

    Such things, as that you are a divorcee or that you are older to the guy or that they do not respect your parents and are taking advantage of you or that you are too much of a devout muslim.. This is by no means a fault of yours, it a fault from the prospective guys side.

    As you must be well aware. Our Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) Married his first Wife Khadijah.
    She was already a divorcee and had children. She was also 15 years older. Yet none of this mattered to our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). So why does it matter to your prospective guys???
    You should not even think to consider them as prospective good husbands after that. And be glad to get rid of them.

  4. It is said, that when a man or a woman is considering a spouse normally they consider 4 things in that person.
    Their Beauty, Their Lineage, Wealth and Social standing and "Religion and Good Character".

    It is said, of these 4 reasons choose a spouse of Deen Khuluq meaning Religious and Good Character.

    There is a verse from Surah Furqan 25 Verse 75

    And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous."

    You should recite this verse in your dua's to help you find a good spouse

  5. I know exactly how you feel and what you going through. I know its hard BUT always be honest you have nothing to be sad or depressed about.

    I personally think its harder for women/girls to remarry than a guy and not let this get you down BE STRONG AND PATIENCE. It will happen when its meant to be leave it in hands of Allah. Life is not over its began for a reason keep praying and I hope you do find someone soon inshAllah. Marry for the right reasons not for your parents.

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    Some people will think that parents never want bad for their children, but this isn't true. Some parents are abusive and for people who have not experienced this, cannot fathom how a parent could do this. Similarly, for those with abusive parents, don't understand how a mother or a father could mistreat their child.

    Keeping this in mind, you have to decide if your mother is truly putting you down to the point it is breaking you down--and from what you have written this seems to ring true.

    I don't know where you live, but is there a way that you could become independent and try to focus away from marriage--or at least, not make this the center of your existence? Marriage is important and it is necessary, but at the same time, self-worth, feeling loved and respected in one's family is too. We can't really trade one of these things for the other.

    Make a list of the top five things in your life that you want to change--and start changing them. Start taking control of your life again. Maa shaa Allah, you have sense and, hopefully, you can rely on yourself right now. Being taken care of in all respects, is a luxury--perhaps, you don't have that right now, but there is no reason for why you should deny taking care of yourself emotionally, financially and physically right now.

    Do things that make you happy. Try to become financially independent. and work out as much as you can. Make dhikr and talk to Allah swt a lot. No one person will understand your pain as He does. From your deep inner thoughts, He knows everything.

    Treat your parents with kindness and do not be rude purposefully to any relative. Your mother is wrong in this matter. Try to speak to her gently and if possible, try to not get too involved with family much in front of her. Honestly, it is hard to advise you here and I don't envy your position at all.

    You have the right to be yourself and not have to worry and carefully choose your words so much with your family. May Allah make it easy for you.

    As for proposals, see if you can speak to someone in the community Mosque--perhaps someone may be looking for someone just like you, you never know. Try to broaden where and who you look at. Make lots of du'a. If someone seems suitable and you are not getting support home, could you consider involving the local Imam? I know it isn't easy for a young woman to do all this, but since your circumstances are difficult, they call for unconventional solutions. I pray that you the peace you are searching for, Ameen.

    May Allah swt ease your difficulties and help you to find the right person for you, Ameen.

    • Dear Sister Saba,

      Thank you for correcting me. You are right. Not all cases are the same. Not all individuals or situations are the same. They are exceptional cases also. I in my haste may have overlooked that scenario. You are right, there are cases where parents are abusive towards their children. Thank you for helping me consider the matter in light. I appreciate it.

      May Allah (Swt) reward you for your kind efforts.

  7. Dear sister
    there are two chapters i found in your letter. the first one is about family problems and the other one is unsuccessful marriage . let me tell you the main reason of problems we face in this life , first is if we get far away from Allah and the second one when we come too close to Allah .the first one is punishment or reminders for us and the second one is test or examination of our patience and faith ( IMAN ) . as muslims we have to be patient and Allah will reward us. as for your parents obey them and pray for their health. you will be sure rewarded by Allah. and about the marriage you dont need to make it a psychological problem , just throw your fears and by the name of Allah just start your life and you will get the right person . when you get proposal just do ISTIKHARA and ask help from Allah to make things easy for you.
    PS: english is not my language so i apologize for grammatical mistakes.

    wish you all the best and Allah is with you.

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