Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The girl I love & want to marry is engaged to someone else, so am I.

Pulling a heavy dark heartI love a girl and she also likes me but the problem is that my parents had fixed my engagement 5 years back to some other girl and I do not see that girl as my future wife. Moreover the girl I love also her engagement was fixed recently to someone else.

Please help me out. I only want to marry whom I love and now my parents ignore what I say to them about breaking my engagement as they say it has been long enough and now it is difficult to break the engagement.

~12345confused


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11 Responses »

  1. Salaam confused.

    Sorry to hear your situation. There are three main issues here:
    1) You being engaged to someone from 5 years back (was that your choice?)
    2) Her being engaged to someone. (her choice?)
    3) You two wishing to marry one another.

    First, brother it doesnt matter how difficult it is to break the engagement if you don't want to marry your wife to be then you have to do it. Marriage is a life long commitment and its serious, you cannot afford to knowingly enter a marriage not 100% wanting the marriage especially whilst you love someone else. So do not back down on this. Be respectful to your parents - you must not be rude or mean. Keep your adab but stand your ground. Allah has given you a right to choose your own spouse as long as she is a good Muslim with a good character.

    Your first priority should be to break your engagement. Also if she feels the same about her situation. (Doesnt wish to marry her fiancee) then she should also stand her ground and break her engagement. The same goes to her. Once this has been established, InshaAllah then you will have to work on persuading your parents to allow you both to marry.

    Its a tough situation, but do not back down and do not feel guilty - you are saving your fiancee and yourself from a marriage of misery by leaving it now even if it is awkward and difficult. Whats easy to say is what not to do. Do not be pressurised into unwanted marriage brother. Keep away from this girl until you have officially proposed to her. Do not meet her alone - go to her house and speak to her father and request for her hand in marriage. You may have to give it some time before doing this but while you are not married to her you should not be continuing a friendship/relationship with her. Bear in mind that if you do its a sin for both of you and also if her/your parents find out, the chances they will let you marry is low.

    What ever you do it properly and Islamically. If you do end up marrying someonem else, please stay away from this girl.

    I pray it works out for you both

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salamulaikom,

    How are you brother/sister?

    In regards to the above situation i have a similar problem. I am engaged to a man from overseas and i did not accept this its been arranged about now 2 years ago...

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

    • THANKYOU SO MUCH SISTER, YOUR REPLY WAS HELPFUL. BUT YES I WAS NOT ASKED BEFORE MY ENGAGEMENT AND NEITHER (WHOM I LOVE) WAS ASKED BEFORE FIXING HER ENGAGEMENT. IT SEEMS TO HAVE BECOME A CULTURE OF OUR VILLAGE, PARENTS FIX ENGAGEMENT EVEN WHEN CHILDREN ARE ABOUT 6 YRS OLD. AND NOW SHE WAS MARRIED 1 MNTH AGO TO THE ONE WITH WHOM HER ENGAGEMENT WAS FIXED. SHE SAY,S SHE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO OBEY HER PARENTS. I BELEIVE HER TOTALLY. NOW IN THIS SITUATION WHAT SHOULD I DO

  3. salaam mu alykum my dear 12345confused brother.

    these are tips for you >>
    GOOD SENARIO
    1.ask the girl's dad to ask her weather she wants to marry you or the other guy!
    2.if the girl and her family approve of this matter then ..
    3.sit down with your parents and talk to them like the man you should be not like a 12 year old boy!! explain to both parents nicely and kindly
    4 .if your parents are happy about that then tell you future wife..with kindness and politley

    BAD SENARIO
    1.ask the girl's dad to ask her weather she wants to marry you or the other guy!
    2.if ANY OF YOUR PARENTS OF HER APRENTS DISS APPROVE THEN ITS A NO NO! or IF she dose not approve of you then IT'S AN ANOTHER BIG NO NO.

    btw i suggest you tell the poor girl that you are suppose to be marrying the truth....a wise man once said 'the truth hurts but lies are worse!!
    MAY ALLAH MAKE YOU HAPPY IN THE FUTURE AND BLESS YOU WITH A PIOUS AND GOOD WIFE IN THE FUTURE.

  4. Bismillah !

    Brother I would SUGGEST that you accept your fiancee. Your parents know better than you do.
    If your fiancee is a good
    practicing Muslimah and knows her duty as a Muslim wife then WHATS THE PROBLEM???!!!
    feelings for others always get in the way of these types of arrangements and SCREW
    EVERYTHING UP! bro u have to understand that love doesn't happen over
    night. What you may feel for this other girl might just
    be infatuation. Or dare I say lust.
    I'm still single and I wish and pray to Allah (swt) I was engaged.
    So take it from a single brother that your very fortunate
    don't mess it up cuz you never know if you'll find another
    suitable girl again. Get to know your
    fiancee and FORGET THIS OTHER GIRL WHOSE ENGAGED !!!!!
    SO ITS HARAM FOR YOU TO EVEN TALK TO HER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Take my advice brother. Salam Alaikum.

  5. Dont marry the person you love,love the person you marry.

  6. It sucks, it feels like u have been punched in the stomach hard, I mean Just Imagine u really like this girl and your day is going smooth no problems, and all of a sudden, boom, the girl u like, or your or her friend says, Hey, r u going to (your crush's name's) wedding? and u r like, Uhhhh, i did not know she was getting married, and they say, yup,she met a guy from (place) that hasnt happened to me, but it could happen to anyone else, well the next day, u r at her wedding and u try your hardest Not to cry and act stupid, and u see her new husand, and what do u say? well either two things, 1 being very rude and sarcastic comment like this; well, I hope you two are happy, thanks for ruining my explitive life, or, 2, being nice and sincere, Good luck you guys, and I hope he treats you well.

  7. Assallam walaikum
    Brother/sister

    I love a girl who is a good follower of muslim.Even she to slowly started to like me but later she made a story that her dad has selected a guy as her future partner even she was confused and she made a. story of it and said that she don't like the guy and our friendship continued. One day her smaller sister was texting me and said me that her sister loved a guy a very long back and that guy spoke to her parents and their parent had agreed. I didn't took it as serious after that our vacations started and we did not have any contact she went abroad and she returned after 2 months. And we had class at present she said me that her engagement is fixed after 2 years. But still I love her and want to marry her but I don't know whether what step I must take
    just help me out............

    • Samali, it sounds like this is not the right woman for you. She loves someone else and she's engaged to someone else. Let her go.

      If you need further advice, please register and submit your question as a separate post.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Please do istikhara for both girls and make dua to Allah to grant you the best.

    How to pray istikhaarah
    Assalam alaikum. How do I pray salat al istikhara, at what times , and are there special dua that I can read for different cicumstances?
    Published Date: 1998-06-24
    Praise be to Allaah.

    The description of Salaat al-Istikhaarah was reported by Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said:

    “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan. He said: ‘If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make, then let him pray two rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say: Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ‘ilmika wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika wa as’aluka min fadlika, fa innaka taqdiru wa laa aqdir, wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lam, wa anta ‘allaam al-ghuyoob. Allaahumma fa in kunta ta’lamu haadha’l-amra (then the matter should be mentioned by name) khayran li fi ‘aajil amri wa aajilihi (or: fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri) faqdurhu li wa yassirhu li thumma baarik li fihi. Allaahumma wa in kunta ta’lamu annahu sharrun li fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri (or: fi ‘aajili amri wa aajilihi) fasrifni ‘anhu [wasrafhu ‘anni] waqdur li al-khayr haythu kaana thumma radini bihi (O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.”

    (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841; similar reports are also recorded by al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa’i, Abu Dawood, Ibn Maajah and Ahmad).

    Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth:

    “Istikhaarah is a word which means asking Allaah to help one make a choice, meaning choosing the best of two things where one needs to choose one of them.

    Concerning the phrase ‘The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach us to make istikhaarah in all things,’ Ibn Abi Jamrah said: ‘It is a general phrase which refers to something specific. With regard to matters that are waajib (obligatory) or mustahabb (liked or encouraged), there is no need for istikhaarah to decide whether to do them, and with regard to matters that are haraam (forbidden) or makrooh (disliked), there is no need for istikhaarah to decide whether to avoid them. The issue of istikhaarah is confined to matters that are mubaah (allowed), or in mustahabb matters when there is a decision to be made as to which one should be given priority.’ I say: it refers to both great and small matters, and probably an insignificant issue could form the groundwork for a big issue.

    The phrase ‘If any one of you is concerned…’ appears in the version narrated by Ibn Mas’ood as: ‘if any one of you wants to do something…’

    ‘Let him pray two rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer.’ This is mentioned to make it clear that it does not mean fajr prayer, for example. Al-Nawawi said in al-Adhkaar: He can pray istikaarah after two rak’ahs of regular sunnah prayer done at zuhr for example, or after two rak’ahs of any naafil prayers whether they are regularly performed or not… It seems to be the case that if he made the intention to pray istikhaarah at the same time as intending to pray that particular prayer, this is fine, but not if he did not have this intention.

    Ibn Abi Jamrah said: The wisdom behind putting the salaat before the du’aa’ is that istikhaarah is intended to combine the goodness of this world with the goodness of the next. A person needs to knock at the door of the King (Allaah), and there is nothing more effective for this than prayer, because it contains glorification and praise of Allaah, and expresses one's need for Him at all times.

    The phrase ‘then let him say’ would seem to imply that the du’aa’ should be said after finishing the prayer, and the word thumma (then) probably means after reciting all the words of the salaat and before saying salaam.

    The phrase ‘O Allaah, I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge’ is explaining ‘because You know best.’ Similarly, ‘by virtue of Your power’ most likely means ‘seeking Your help.’ ‘I seek ability’ (astaqdiruka) means ‘I ask You to give me the power or ability (qudrah) to do’ whatever is being asked for, or it probably means ‘I ask You to decree (tuqaddir) this for me.’ So it may mean making it easy.

    ‘I ask You of Your great bounty’ refers to the fact that Allaah gives out of His great generosity, but no one has the right to His blessings. This is the opinion of Ahl al-Sunnah.

    ‘You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not’ refers to the fact that power and knowledge belong to Allaah alone, and the slave has no share of them except what Allaah decrees for him.

    ‘O Allaah, if in Your knowledge this matter…’ According to one report, he should mention it by name. It is apparent from the context that he should state it, but it is probably sufficient to be thinking of the matter whilst making this du’aa’.

    ‘Then ordain it for me’ means ‘make it happen for me’ or it may mean ‘make it easy for me.’

    ‘Then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it’ means ‘so that my heart will no longer feel attached to it after it has been turned away.’

    ‘Make me pleased with it’ means ‘make me content with it, so that I will never regret asking for it or be sorry that it happened, because I do not know how it will turn out, even if at the time of asking I am pleased with it.’

    The secret is that one’s heart should not be attached to the matter in question, because that will result in a person becoming restless. Being pleased with something means that one’s heart is content with the decree of Allaah.

    (Summarized from the commentary of al-Haafiz Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) on the hadeeth in Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab al-Da’waat and Kitaab al-Tawheed.).

    Islam Q&A

    dua in arabic
    http://www.istikharadua.com/istikhara-dua-in-arabic/

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