Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The Role of a Wife when the Husband fails to fulfil his duties

A Righteous Husband is what you want

A Righteous Husband is what you want

i have a question regarding the duties of a wife towards her husband.

i have read a good amount of things on this topic and read once that a husband can be way towards hell or to paradise. and a women who satisfies and fulfill all her duties towards her husband and her husband is happy with her will enter paradise from whichever gate she wants.

All of which i find very good and hope to be a good wife in future Inshallah. but my point of concern is what if when the husband is totally irresponsible. i know of someone who was very obedient, loving , caring wife to a man who later married another women (a characterless one: i guess everyone got it) who did very dirty black magic on him.

anyways after that second marriage he did not fulfill any of his responsibilities as a husband or as a father to seven children. to make his second wife accepted in the family he even physically abused his wife and children the smallest being just 7 year old. used unfair means like deserting her for many days etc and not even caring to provide his family from first wife food, cutting all financial support.

After 14 years he is verbally abusive towards his wife and did not fulfilled any of his duties even getting his children married. Since now the children are independent and educated by their efforts and ofcrse the support from Allah SWT he cannot physicly abuse the women(1st wife) as children are very much against him.

In islam a man can marry four women but the condition is to treat them equally which is not the case her. Although the women had no option left as she could not even divorce him but i just want to know her role as a wife now. till now that person is abusive and unsupportive does she still needs to fulfill her duties according to islam??

if a man is not fulfilling his duty as a husband then what should be the role of a wife??


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    A wife's duty to her husband goes hand in hand with the husband fulfilling his duties as well. However, there are times where one or the other may neglect their responsibilities. Sometimes this happens unintentionally, or due to circumstances one cannot control, and other times it happens because the person is truly just a selfish jerk. A lot of times people think that the way to handle the situation by letting their own duties go, but in reality this is not the best way of approaching things.

    If someone has unfortunately married a man or a woman who is callous, uncaring, selfish and even abusive, it's better for the victimized party to seek a divorce or khula. Typically, staying in a marriage like that doesn't release a person from their duties, so in essence it creates an environment where one person is being taken advantage of in an unreasonable way. This isn't what marriage should ever be.

    In cases where a woman is being abused, she should separate from her spouse immediately. Yes, it can be hard to do, and requires certain sacrifices, but there is always a way out. You say the sister you have in mind "could not even divorce him", but in truth where there's a will there's a way. At a certain point, staying in a relationship like the kind you described becomes an active choice, because a person always has the option of choosing to leave and live a better life free from abuse.

    If she stays with a man like that (for whatever reason), I don't think any human would blame her if she did not fulfill her wifely duties. However, my personal understanding of Islam is that there are no caveats given for a woman to neglect her duties as long as she remains married, so long as she is physically able to carry them out. Personally, I think it would be a risky advice to tell someone to stay married but to not be a fully devoted wife, because in truth none of us know how Allah will judge such a thing. Surely He would rather see someone get divorced and out from under those circumstances, than to stay and be less of the person they should be in that context....that's one of the reasons divorce is permissible- to keep us from having to endure untenable circumstances or be in a position of oppression under another. At least that's my feeling.

    One final thing I'd like to say: I noticed you referred to something we find in the following hadiths:

    Transmitted by Tirmidhi, Narrated Umm Salamah: The Prophet said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

    The Messenger (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “If a woman observes her five daily prayers, fasts during the month of Ramadhan, guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter Paradise through any of the gates she wishes.” [Ibn Hibban ~ Hadith Sahih]

    Sometimes people think that the first hadith means something to the effect of a husband having the sole power over his wife's eternal destiny, to the extent that if a horrible man was displeased with his wife she would be damned though having done no wrong. This is NOT true or accurate. Allah is the one who ultimately holds our fates, and He would never, ever leave such an important outcome in the hands of someone who is cruel, delusional, or arrogant. After all, it's not phrased to say "If a woman dies while her husband was displeased with her, she will enter Hellfire "--we only imply that in our minds because it's the opposite of what it actually is saying. The second hadith shows that being a good wife (by obeying her husband) is only one of several things that makes Paradise a possibility for a Muslimah.

    I really believe a woman who goes to Hell goes because her lifestyle showed no humility or taqwa, and being "disobedient" toward her husband is perhaps only one of many ways that manifested. Such a woman would have to possess a very rebellious and caustic nature, I believe even if such a woman were not married, she would likely wind up with the same fate just because of her overall way of living life...which obviously would be a life NOT in submission to Allah.

    Personally, I feel that sentiment about a husband being pleased sending his wife to Jannah is more of a mercy. When I think of my own case, for example, I cannot count the sins and wrongs that I've done that in my mind would send me to Hell. However, my husband is pleased with me, masha'Allah, so perhaps Allah will honor his satisfaction and forgive me all of the things I would've been punished for if I manage to keep him happy until he or I leave this life. That's the way I always understood it- more of like a loophole for people like me who might not get Jannah on our own merits....we get it instead because we managed to make life good for one other human.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalam Alaikum, I am going through some serious marital issues. I need some answers and someone who I could speak with. I need answers based on Islamic point of view. I'd highly appreciate if I can get an email address as I don't wish to post my problems on here. JazakaAllah

      • Maha, we do not answer questions by email. You can submit your question as a post, and change some of your personal details so no one will recognize your identity. And of course, do not use your real name.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister Amy,

    What an absolute beautiful response - I really love reading your advice, its always so articulate and
    non-judgmental.
    Don't sell yourself short sister, you are doing a great job not just for your hubby, but for all us readers, who benefit from your advice. May Allah reward you greatly for this, and may HE grant you success in this life, and the next Insha-Allah. 🙂

  3. Dear Sister Asalam o- Alaikum

    Beautiful response by the sister Amy.Apart of being emotional one has to think practically in our lives.having patience is good as long as nobody is taking you for granted.Do everything but not at the cost of your self respect.Love yourself.you r not worthless and make it realize it to others...

    cheerful

    NOTE: I have posted a draft way back but its not published yet.how long does it generally take for publication.Actually i have to make quick decision so waiting for all yours valuable comments.

  4. salam

    Nice said Amy
    Amy are u a journalist or write books? The way u write things down is nice

    • Salaams,

      Thank you, masha'Allah. No I have never published anything, although I've always liked writing and kept journals growing up. These days I just do it as a hobby by writing poetry and blogging.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Assalamu alaikum,

    i would like to thank you all for making these points clear.
    jazak ALLAH Khair

    🙂

  6. i would like to add one more thing..
    Sister amy i love your comments and responses which are really non judgmental and clear. If i need some help regarding some reading materials related to Islam can you please help me.

    Allah Hafiz

    • I need to ask some v imp questions regarding my marriage. how can I contact you. pls help

      [Editor's note: Please register and log in using the links on the right side of the main page. Then submit a new post for publication. There is a waiting time of a couple of weeks for publication, but urgent/life-or-death posts are prioritised - if this is the case for your situation, please mention this in the post.]

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