Islamic marriage advice and family advice

There are three people in this marriage!

Sister in law creating problems in family

asalam alaykum

I am revert for 13 years and islamically married 7 years. Since marriage we live with in laws plus older sister of my husband. She is married with 3 kids separate house but since my marriage she  stay in the same house most of the time now after years all the time due to one of in laws not being well. I never mind her presence as I work full time and always try to keep away from fights although sometimes things gets too bad as there can't be 3 people in marriage. Agreement with my husband was that we will live with in laws not the sister however due to her disfunctional marriage and needed help to take care of her 3 kids she stayed with us. I always said I don't my taking the responsibly and go part time and help however I was always refused.

Since beginning she is head of the house and acting wife of my husband. It is always either they they talk I'm ignored, where she  puts things in the kitchen then have to stay like this she has keys from the all house gate and garage. She always locks her room but I'm not allowed to lock mine. When I want to go somewhere or come back to work I always have to ring bell or ask her to open door. I never held key from the house where I live. I don't dispute it's her house but this too much on me.

My husband helps her a lot. He is father to her 3 children does school run with her manager house with her goes shopping with her. He keeps his important things in her room such as his documents and wallet. When there is fight he always her way. Twice I was kicked out of house and slept in my car with 3 degrees outside. My husband used to keep my bank cards and not allowed me access to my money because I used to purchase things for myself such as clothes and leather goods and he never gifted me anything in these 7 years despite me asking.

All of us 3 are professionals with university education so I tried to make it work many times during those years hoewever always failed. She is very stubborn lady and insults me a lot. I don't cook much anymore because apparently my cooking smells. She feeds my husband I stay in my room wait till I go to work. I help with sick person in the house when she is asleep but otherwise she comes and says she doesn't need me. I don't go out with my husband since this in law sickness about 3 years I don't mind but would like at least cinema trip as I understand day long holiday isn't feasible. I am not from this country although working I'll time I will never safe enough money to buy a house. My husband will never buy house with me or move with me.

Many times I think to myself to leave. Only thing I'm scared of is loneliness as being reverent I don't have many friends and j have no siblings. I'm on my own in this country. I have only parents who doesn't know anything about my situation.

Last month I found I was pregnant but my husband send me for abortion accused me I only wanted child myself and didn't plan it with him. He says he isn't ready.

When we have fights he said he wants to leave me otherwise he always say he loves me wants me to stay. He is 13 years older then me. I'm confused about my feelings to him past years as have been hurt so much. Recently my husband took couple of pieces jewellery I had and refuses to give it back to me despite me asking nicely he says I just care about money.

He and his sister says I have Personality issues and wants me to take antidepressant. I think anyone in my situation would get confused and depressed. When im at home I just stay in my room most of the times oh sorry in one of her rooms I am allowed to stay. I'm not sure whether to leave it or give another go. In the house where I'm always reminded I'm lowest and she is the boss with monopoly. Don't have strength to make decision these days please help me.


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5 Responses »

  1. Salam .Sister im a revert also. Allah has found you Islam now its upto you to make your move.Your educated and so your able to go anywhere in the world? Islam gives the women a high status.If this man cannot take care of you and treat you with love and 100%respect .Then you need to leave.He is a murder.The purpose of a humanbeings is to procreate and bring pious people into this earth and create quality muslims who are educated and god fearing.Allah is sufficent.If you help Allahs deen Then Allah will help you.But you must make sure that you are following the correct method and master it well.5times salah is the key to all problems.Master this!Then getting involved with sisters at local mosque. Helping community.This is our responsibility.You will find peace and contentment. My advice and hint .The correct Islam just to be on the same page.Sunni sect.Follow one of the 4 major school of thoughts!

  2. Just put your trust in Allah and do what is best for you.If your not happy and he cares only about money.Then this person will never be successfull because Allah only put success in deen!!

    • Aa sister,

      I am so sad to hear your story. My advice to you is to leave. This relationship will never work. Any marriage where one spouse gives anyone other than the other spouse more importance is unhealthy and can never work. Your husband, from what you say, has given all the rights and doing all the things that one should only do with a wife. It's disgusting!

      Worse - treating you like garbage. Telling you to kill his own child - you should know that that must be the final nail in the coffin!

      You say you have a high level of education - it's sense enough to know that you need to get out now and stay out. Go and ask for khulla - and start again. Don't waste anymore of precious little time you have! May Allah SWT help you. My duas are with you.


  3. Dear Surya,

    I gathered from your post that your husband doesn't care nor respect you. I am not sure what his issues are.

    I say as you are not in your homeland, I think you need to bear with this a little longer. In this time, make connection with sincere Muslim sisters or get in touch with some sort of citizen advice beauer. Get their advices, and find the easiest way to leave your husband. Also, in the mean time get in touch with your parents. Basically, you need to find some sort of security and support which I think you do not have one at the moment.

    In Shaa Allah once you established the above, then go to your husband and tell him, this is enough, I am tired of your mistreatment towards me. I don't feel happy nor appreciated with you. All my efforts are not creditable to you. I no longer know what your expectations are from me so that you can treat me good as your wife. However, my expectations from myself is to be treated with respect and dignity from my husband. You are not meeting my expectation as you used to. I feel distant from you to the point that I want to leave you now. (note. Don't bring his sister in your explanation at all. Because you want to tell him he is the problem and he is doing mistake which he needs to realise his mistakes).

    Just say that to him and then, leave him, and move to somewhere secure. Remember, you work and therefore you have some financial security which is really important in these kind of situation.

    Let him think. But don't expect him to change. Be away from him for good few months to a year. Don't fall for his words.

    Once you truly think he has changed and became back to normal (loving and caring) towards you then move back to him with condition that you will not share your home with anyone! Basically, you are giving him a chance.
    Don’t feel sorry for any sick person in his family. That's not your problem. Your problem is to become stable, loved and respected again.

    Maybe once everything becomes easier on your side, only then, you could show care to the unwell person in his family (but don't feel it is your obligation rather out of goodness of your heart you want to take care of the ill person in his family)

    Try to do something along those lines. It is certainly not going to be easy but this is one way to find your happiness again with your husband.

    If all fails, then leave him for good, and seek divorce.

    Best wishes,


    • The above post is sensible and i do suggest you take it on board. You need to sort out your life as you cant and should not carry on the way you are. My heart goes out to you sister the problem is that you have no family here and no financial security, so this could be the reason why your husband is treating you like that.
      You have lived with man for years so his taking you for granted. Duas are for you from the heart and may you have courage to take the steps needed to sort your life out. Please don't just sit and continue to be mistreated, sort your life out step by step only you can do it, no one else will do it for you.
      Sister, many congrats to you becoming a Muslim and may Allah swt give you the courage and strength to take on the task which will only improve your future.

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