Islamic marriage advice and family advice

They deny him for my sister and don’t give a valid reason

sisters, arguing, fight, annoyed, ignore, girls, family problem

Sisters against one another

Assalam-O-Alaikum  brothers/sisters

It all started a few years ago when my sister (name her 1) asked my parents to look for someone for her so she could get married. She told them well before hand so they have enough time to look for someone. As time went, my parents did nothing and all my family witnessed it. Then my sister asked them to take her to the mosque and tried other ways of finding a partner. Once again they did nothing.

I feel my sister took all the right steps. But nothing changed. Eventually years passed and my sister was introduced to someone, she told my parents immediately, and asked them to proceed with this person further in any way they want. She wasn’t pressurising them in anyway in fact she gave them before and after this situation a lot of time. My parents did nothing as usual and hoped my sister would forget about it and leave the situation.

Once again they did nothing, years passed and the person my sister 1 was introduced to is still waiting, (his parents did the same and ignored him so nothing has been progressed by either side). Recently my sister asked my parents again and they keep saying she’s rushing into it, but I feel she isn’t as she gave them plenty of time to look for someone and then when she came across someone she gave them more time. So a lot of time has passed I mean years have. My sisters not asking my parents to definitely say yes to him or anything she just wants them to meet his family and see where this could go and if this is the right person.

Recently my family have been shattered and separated from each other due to this. My mom and dad have not given any reply or anything sort of yes or no to meeting the family as such, my other sister (lets name her 2) was against it from the beginning. So she has been no support or help in anyway. My brothers have not said much except for they will speak to my parents. But they can’t do much. Me and another sister (lets name her 3) have supported my sister 1 throughout and my sister 3 has tried to convince my parents to take this further and to do something.

However things recently have become worse, throughout the year my family have been arguing about this and things have been bad but now things have spiralled out of control. Much worse than before.  Even Ramadhan wasn’t the same, my parents have been cold to my sister 1 and they haven’t been getting along since my sister told them about this person she met.  Recently my sister 1 has not been talking to my parents for months as things were that bad that she had to cut contact with them by not talking to them and it was as if they didn’t care for one second…. Considering there parents.

My sister 1 was not on talking terms with my parents and my sister 2, but now my sister 3 has gone against her as well. And it’s only me who is with my sister 1 and supporting her. She hasn’t done anything wrong as she told my parents from the start, she never hid anything.  Now me and my sister 1 are being attacked by the rest of my family. My sister 3 was so sure she would stick by my sister 1’s side but she’s gone against her. Sister 3 claims she’s neutral and not siding with anyone and is trying to work things out between my parents and my sister 1.

But it doesn’t feel like that at all. I’ve overheard my entire family talking behind my sister 1’s back and behind mine as well. I heard them a few times coincidentally, and then I’ve walked in on them and they all go quiet and then after a while change the topic while me and my sister 1 are in the room.

None of my family members are talking to me or my sister 1 properly and all they keep saying is that I’m siding with my sister 1, but personally I feel by looking at everything from an outside prospective that my parents and sister 2 and 3 are doing wrong to my sister 1. They’ve isolated her and attacked her many times unnecessarily and then in the end blame me and my sister 1 for everything.  And as there all together, they all believe each other. No matter how much of the truth I’m telling even if I scream it or shout it or even saying it calmly no one ever listens.

Things were that bad that even our food is separate, some time ago my sister 1 and 3 had an argument and it got heated up, they were crying and it got all emotional, it happened in front of my parents and myself. My parents seen my sister 3’s tears and my mum went running to console her but no one even once seen my sister 1’s tears, they’ve made her cry so much over the years because of this marriage situation.

She even begged my parents to give her some sort of reply regarding the person she met, she sat calmly and asked them but my parents did nothing and had no affection or sympathy towards my sister 1 even once.  It’s like they don’t care, and they always have a cold approach towards her. I’ve felt the same in the past months, but seeing my sister 1 go through what she has; it’s much worse what’s happened to her.  My family began attacking me because I was taking my sister 1’s side, and my sister 1 said to me for my safety and protection that don’t talk to her, or have any contact with her.

She was thinking about me even though no one thought about her once. Every family goes through stuff, and over the years my family has as well, but my sister 1 was always there to support my family no matter what. But now that she needed support no one is there for her.

My entire family got into an argument, and it was really bad, everyone was shouting loud, screaming hitting each other. Attacking each other in the worst possible way, but what made it worse is that it was my entire family against my sister 1, and myself. It’s like there’s no trust left in my family. Things were never this bad; we’d have arguments but then get over it quickly and begin talking again.

Now it’s like no one actually cares and no one want’s to repair anything that’s happened between us all. We all have separated from each other and are not the happy connected family we were before.  We’re all constantly throwing daggers at each other and things get worse by the day. My sister 1 said to my sister 3, it feels like things have spiralled so out of control that I don’t feel we can repair the damage that has been done between us, and my sister 3 didn’t even say anything like no if we try we can. She just sat silently. We as brothers and sisters were so close but now feel so far away from each other.

My mom keeps saying that black magic has been done to some extent, I’m not saying that everything is due to black magic, but things were never this bad, and now were all not even on talking terms instead we’d rather kill each other. Before I never believed that it could be black magic, but recently looking at the situation, and how we all are, maybe there is some influence of that. I’m not sure.  I feel like my sister 1 wants to get married is that too much to ask for, and is it a crime, what she’s asking my parents. It my parents duty to do something, then what’s wrong with them that they don’t do anything. We’ve even spoken to them about this but they don’t saying anything.

I’m asking for any help or advice anybody could give to resolve the situation and to become the close family we were before. I feel anything could help so please don’t hesitate to say something. I’m looking for help regarding how to proceed the marriage situation for my sister and what to do etc... And how to resolve the family issues.  Just think of it as any small or big thing you say, it could change my entire family’s life for the better.  And I thank everyone who gives help and advice.

JazakAllah khair

~ Praiseworthy


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13 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alaykum wr wb indeed i read your story first and foremost thing is this that involve knowledgable elders beseech the local imam to intervene for the sake of allah swt ..unless there is no intercention the efforts are not going to materialise.

  2. My family began attacking me because I was taking my sister 1’s side, and my sister 1 said to me for my safety and protection that don’t talk to her, or have any contact with her.
    She was thinking about me even though no one thought about her once. Every family goes through stuff, and over the years my family has as well, but my sister 1 was always there to support my family no matter what. But now that she needed support no one is there for her.

    This brought tears to my eyes,, Masha'allaah what a humble sister you have,, May Allah protect her from all evil and grant her a righteous husband...

    If this sister that's seeking marriage is was to be one of the typical girls in the west, she would have gone long before the approval of her family and marry the man,, am not saying all the girls in the West but most...

    What country do you live sister? Is your sister 1 the oldest girl in the family? has any of your sister been married? if so, has it been accepted by your parents?

    One advice, sister, parents are a gift in life, they have the right over us and we have a right over them and they will be asked about their children on the day of judgement and the children will be asked about the rights of their parents on the day of judgement....
    tell your sister 1 to not keep demanding her rights but to keep herself busy with the rights her parents have over her and tell her to be patient for the sake of Allah as she has already been....

    one of the best things to do is to make Dua to Allah,, tell her to wake up the third part of the night and pray to Allah sincerely and continue to this until she see changes...

    just like every human been, our parents heart is in the hands of Allah and he turns it in any direction He wants,,,, pray and make dua for your parents and ask Allah that if this man is kheyr for her that Allah turns their heart towards her and help her in proceeding the marriage.....

    One thing i want add,,,, from your post i think that your family or your parents are somehow really weak in terms of faith,,, luck of trust in Allah and no confident what soever in Allah.... help your family in buying islamic lectures and listening to it,, and also turn on Qur'an at all times,,, it prevents all type of evil....
    As long as your faith in Allah is strong and nothing can break it, you will overcome any problems you and your family face,, Insha'allaah...

  3. look at islamqa website to see how black magic can be cured if there is any done onto ur family. u can ask ur question and explain this situation on there and in shaa Allaah u will get the advise of an islamic scholer soon. on facebook there is a person called Ezat Ullah he seems very knowledgeable too mashaa Allaah, add him as a friend or send him a message if u have facebook. keep praying, and u two just try to keep good bonds, even if they dont.

    hope everything works out for u two soon 🙂

    • i meant keep trying to be nice with ur family, and avoid arguements. if u ask for ur rights but they get heated up then just get quite, because it obviously has no affect on them and is just worsening the relationships.

      ur sister is in a difficult position, she wants to get married but not able to at the moment, the scholer may give some good advise on what she could do now to deal with this situtaion in shaa Allaah

      take care

  4. Wasalam sister,
    I can see that there is huge friction between the family members. I will advise you both sisters to try to be respectful toward your parents, as well as your older siblings. Your sister has every right to marry the person she feels attracted to as long as he is a good Muslim with sound background and character, your parents don't have any valid reason to refuse him. Stay strong, firm and keep trying with your parents but at the same time don't be rude, loud or disrespectful (not that you sisters have been) toward your parents. Try involving a trusted family member who has good ties with you family and has best intentions for you sisters and family so that he/she can talk to your parents and find out what is the reason.
    Mostly parents don't like children to choose their own partners as they feel like they have this right to choose the partner for them for a number of reasons but this is your sister's right to choose her marriage partner. So, if nothing works and your parents don't give a valid reason for their refusal and they don't seem interested in finding your sister a suitable partner then your sister can speak to your local imam. What imam can do is to speak to your parents first and ask them for the reason for refusing this marriage or not finding a marriage partner actively, if they still refuse then he can act as a wali of your sister and marriage can take place.
    But, do remember that the Imam option is the last one, only when your sister has exhausted all other avenues/options available. I can't stress enough that your sister must make sure that this brother (who she is interested in marriage/or anyone else) is of good character, a genuine practicing Muslim, who is striving to improve every day, is honest, caring and Allah fearing. Remember, marriage is a huge step and it is important that we make sure that we make the right decision by keeping in mind what makes a good partner, someone who understands the responsibility that comes along marriage, is marriage and can support a family.
    Good luck to your sister and may Allah (swt) bless remove all the problems that your family is facing and may HE (swt) put love and care in everyone's heart. Amin.

    P.S; Please don't forget to make dua to Allah (swt), and offer slatul-Hajah, tahajud, and salatul istakhara for clarity and help from Allah (swt) to assist you sisters in making the right decision.

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.

    • Muhammad1982 is correct. If your parents are preventing your sister from getting married without any valid reason, then if all else fails, your sister should go ahead and ask the Imam to act as her wali, and marry the man of her choice, even without your parents' approval.

      Forget this black magic idea. Your family is simply dysfunctional and doesn't know how to communicate.
      A good family therapist could probably work wonders.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • dear brother wael,
        asalamalikum,

        wouldnt it be much nicer if we include some empathy and sympathy in our adivise.

        Your family is simply dysfunctional and doesn't know how to communicate.

        we are all struggling with some issues, does that mean that we all are disfunctional?

        may be we all are, thats why we come to each other for advise. the sister already knows that the environment in the house in not normal was rubbing it in necessary?

        Dear sister,
        i sometimes feel the same about my family and its so hurtful. i tried a lot as well so make everyone stick together but it doesnt wor. i have now taken a back seat. i keep ties with family but try to preserve my own space as well. i have shut down myself a bit so that i dont get hurt. i think your sister should also do that, try to pay attention to herself and focus on herself. if all effots of reconsiliation are failing then best is sometimes to leave things the way they are and quitely mind your own buisness. if raising issues is causing more arguments then just leave it for a while as it is only creating more hatred. make lots of dua and read quran. ask Allah to show you guidance.
        i think invovling an imam of mosque for the marriage issue is a good idea if he is capable of dealing with such issues.

        may Allah make it easy for your family.

        • I wasn't trying to rub it in. My point is that it's very unlikely that it's black magic. It's more productive to look to the family dynamic and try to improve it. I'm suffering from a shoulder injury and typing aggravates it, so I tend to be brief, but I didn't mean to sound insensitive.

          Dysfunctional is not an insult, by the way. It's simply a description of a family that is not functioning in a healthy way.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Brother Wael, I think you should be careful with dismissing anything as a 'black magic idea'..I am sure you are aware how rampant black magic has become in our societies (including the west to a GREAT extent). After experiencing my own family's legitimate struggles against this I can say without a doubt that the symptoms the sister is describing COULD very possibly be related to Sihr, Al-Ayn, Hasad, or a combination of these. Of course family therapy would be of great use, but I think the problem must be analysed from all angles, and these days, what with our inadequate amounts of Ibadah being performed (in general as a community), a situation involving any of the above mentioned phenomena could very well wreak havoc on family structure, functioning, and co-operation. I think the solution to this problem should be addressed first and foremostly from a spiritual angle, along with other measures (such as family counselling, speaking to a local Imam etc.) At this point I believe the sister wishing to get married should (if not already) seek help through Du'a and prayer, making sure to fulflill her religious obligations, and making du'a, and other family members should be ENCOURAGED to do so as well. I think preventive and curative measures SHOULD be taken against any form of evil which could possibly affecting the family. Also I would like to mention that whatever happens, happens by the will of Allah, so whatever the issue may be, the solution truly and only lies in seeking the help of Allah SWT, regardless of what obstacles the family faces. Personally I had many family problems as well as other issues, and I believe the first step that should be taken to alleviate this issue is to make sure to try and fulfill religious obligations, mainly praying Salat 5 times a day, and reciting Adhkaar for protection, istighfar, and seeking aid. With that said, the family SHOULD pursue family counselling, and speaking to a qualified,knowledgable and pious Imam would be of great benefit insha'Allah.

    Sister, I wish you all the best in solving this issue and any others that may occur during your lifetime. Do not have any doubt that this issue will be resolved, and beautifully so, insha'Allah. Place your trust only and only in Allah SWT and know that regardless of the situation, the true solution is with Allah SWT. Nothing will be of benefit to you or your family without His permission, and without seeking His aid, prior to any course of action being taken to accomplish the desired goal.

    "And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ]" (Qur'an 2:45)

    "O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient." (Qur'an 2:153)

    "O you who have believed, persevere and endure and remain stationed and fear Allah that you may be successful." (Qur"an 3:200)

    I hope this is of benefit to you and your family, and I request you to please make Du'a to Allah on my behalf, to alleviate my problems and to give me success in achieving my goals.

    Thank you, As Salamu Alaykum

    • I believe that black magic exists, but I do not think it is rampant in our societies at all. I think it is extremely rare. Rather, what is rampant is a lack of personal responsibility, lack of communication, and lack of sincerity. Instead of being humble, communicating honestly, admitting mistakes and striving to do better, people want to blame some outside force for their problems. So they latch onto this idea of black magic because it absolves them of responsibility.

      Oh no, look at my own life. I'm overweight, my right shoulder hurts, I have a toothache, I have been unmarried for several years... it must all be black magic! Surely it could not be that I need to improve my eating habits, give my shoulder time to heal, sign up for a dental plan, and start actively looking for a wife.

      I've been through so many major problems in life, but I managed to overcome them and move forward in life because I learned from my mistakes. I didn't try to blame some outside force like black magic, and then sit around feeling helpless.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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