Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m still thinking of him 6 years later.

think good thoughts

Asalam o Alikum,

I am very depressed these days and unable to talk to anyone. my story goes like this:

I was a young girl of 19 when I fell in love with this guy. I told this to my family, and my mother agreed upon him. He also told his family about me, and his family was also ready for me. Everything was going fine, but fortunately or unfortunately my brother's friend sent a rishta to me and my brother started forcing me toward that guy. I did my best to say no to him, but in the end I gave up because everyone wanted me to marry that  guy, so when things went out of my hands I had to say yes.

I got married a month later, and now it's been 6 years of marriage. I have 2 kids, but still the person whom I loved still lingers on my mind. I really don't know what to do, and why all this is happening to me. Please tell me what islam says about this situation, because I am very tired and can't bluff to my husband and kids like this.

-God Bless


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21 Responses »

  1. Keep reading your 5 times talawat....when ypur constantly in ebadaat...the shaitaan is less likely to attack your mind and heart.The Shaitaan is trying to divert your mind towards haram.He will encourage you to see the goodness in haram and badness in halal..
    Remember the grass isnt always greener on the other side...
    I know sister because i have too been through this trying so hard to love my husband after ive fallen in love with another man...i wish i never saw him.This is why god tells us to lower our gaze..he only does so for our benefit!!..Hope that helps!!

  2. Assalamu alaykum sister,
    you shold have said something then if you didnt want to marry your husband!
    Now you are married for 2years and have 2 kids mashAllah, so stop thinking what if you married the other guy!!
    Why do you think you loved him?you wasnt even married to him , you didnt live with him , love is not just an emotion sister, you are married to your husband , you didnt mention anything negative about him, so stop thinking about this other guy and work on your marriage. How do you even know the other guy would be a good husband??how do you know if he would treat you right??it wasnt meant to be. Be gratefull for what you have now and stop thinking about the other guy! Islamically you are married to your husband who cares for you an your kids , you shouldnt be thinking about other men , its a sin! shaytan tries to destroy your marriage and you listening to his whispers.

  3. Dear sister,
    That is why Allaah (Subhanuhu wa ta'allah) Has Created Laws. Since, it was out of question that you fell in love with that guy. Who told you to do so. And see for yourself 6 years and you are still feeling upset. That is why Allaah (Subhanuhu wa ta'allah) Has Created laws. Now love your kids and your husband and forget that guy.

    Start a new Islamic life from now on. In Love of Allaah (Subhanuhu wa ta'allah) and see how Allaah (Subhanuhu wa ta'allah) Loves you insha'Allaah.

    Allaah Knows the Best!




    These verses confirm that man has a will and the ability to do what he wants and not to do what he does not want.
    Praise be to Allaah.

    Qadar means that Allaah has decreed everything that happens in the universe according to His prior knowledge and the dictates of His wisdom.
    1 – The belief that Allaah knows all things, in general and in detail, from eternity to eternity, whether that has to do with His actions or the actions of His slaves.

    2 – The belief that Allaah has written that in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz (the Book of Decrees).

    Concerning these two matters Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Know you not that Allaah knows all that is in the heaven and on the earth? Verily, it is (all) in the Book (Al‑Lawh Al‑Mahfooz). Verily, that is easy for Allaah”
    [al-Hajj 22:70]

    In Saheeh Muslim (2653) it is narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “Allaah wrote down the decrees of creation fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth.”

    And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The first thing that Allaah created was the Pen, and He said to it, ‘Write!’ It said, ‘O Lord, what should I write?’ He said: ‘Write down the decrees of all things until the Hour begins.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4700; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

    3 – The belief that whatever happens only happens by the will of Allaah – whether that has to do with His actions or the actions of created beings.

    Allaah says concerning His actions (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And your Lord creates whatsoever He wills and chooses”[al-Qasas 28:68]
    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Allaah is the Creator of all things, and He is the Wakeel (Trustee, Disposer of affairs, Guardian) over all things”

    [al-Zumar 39:62]
    With regard to sharee’ah, Allaah says concerning man's will (interpretation of the meaning):

    “That is (without doubt) the True Day. So, whosoever wills, let him seek a place with (or a way to) His Lord (by obeying Him in this worldly life)!”[al-Naba’ 78:39]


  5. Assalamolaikum ,

    I am little surprised how a mother of 2 kids get a time to think about some one who she met 6 years back .
    I think once a kid is born you hardly get a time to think about others .
    Love your family and forget about old stuff ..

    Please learn How to forget things , How to divert your mind towards better things .

    Allah hafiz

    • That isnt exactly a good piece of advice...clearly this lady needs help...if you cant speak silent....learn that hadith first before you come on here and give disapproving advice!!

    • Humans make mistakes and can be weak - Allah says in the Quran:


      And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak.

      And mothers are not excluded from this. Life is a constant test and we are here on the battlegrounds fighting with our nafs and against the shayateen. How is it then that we think that some of us would not be tested?

      Motherhood neither makes a woman a robot nor void of emotions.

      • Re:Motherhood neither makes a woman a robot nor void of emotions.

        It doesn't make but this will make you so busy in life that you hardly get a time to think about other stuff . That is another beautiful part of marriage that stops you from Sins because you are too BUSY .

        And it is TRUE for devoted parents who gives their full available time to kids .This might not be TRUE for people who keep their kids away like in Day CARE ,hostels etc etc .

        • A good marriage helps in preventing sins, but no human goes untested in this world.

          Let's stay away from judging parents who use day care and hostels.

          • The term "Good Marriage" is Subjective .

            -->There are marriages which are really bad like infidelity ,alcohol consumption ,drugs ,physical abuse ,Forced in to marriage etc etc ..You can't compromise and better to move out of it .

            -->There are marriages where people don't' have major issues but feel it is bad because of some reasons like

            a)Financial struggle ,Husband trying to set up things and he is struggling in career (but with good attitude) but no there is no patience from spouse as they want to see immediate results ..

            b)After marriage you find that you find that you don't find your spouse attractive and there is no thrill in life . Other couples looks perfect with perfect life,perfect bodies ,perfect beauties ,perfect health and so and so ..

            c)You compare yourselves with other relatives/friends .Obviously comparison in terms of life style ,House ,Jewellery ,Big Cars so and so ..and come to the conclusion that this marriage was a bad idea and you regret for it ..I know you can't generalize but it happens with most of people ..These people says we don't compare but in reality they do comparison at every stage of life ....

            d)If point number C is the issue again it will lead to involvement of In-Laws which will further make you believe that this marriage was really a BAD idea .Every small issue will look BIG then ...

            e)lab lab laa many small issues blown out of proportion ..

            If a person believes that he needs to save marriage he has to look better part of your spouse and avoid looking in to other small issues ..

            But normally
            " A rich husband is a dream of almost every woman and a beautiful,attractive,hot woman is the dream of almost every man"

            I know you can't generalize it but it holds TRUE for most of the people 🙂 " If you don't get it in your marriage then it is really a TEST for you....

            Second point :

            It is bad idea to put your Kids in to DAY CARE Centers ,Hostels etc without any valid reasons .You will miss their childhood, lot of good stuff which Allah gives you as gift with the marriage as complete package ...As i said your kids will keep you so Busy in Life that you don't find time to do SINS ........

            Allah hafiz

    • As-salamu Alaykum,
      I believe that Cool gave sound advice. No, mothers are not immune from emotions or challenges, but a parent always has to keep in mind what the priorities are. Once you bring a child into the world, the priority is your child...and a really good parent is always busy thinking about things to do to enhance a child's education, deen, character, health, and overall well-being. If you take this job seriously, you will always have something beneficial to occupy your thoughts, and I don't think there is anything wrong with pointing that out. Further, marriage is a commitment, plain and simple. When you get married, you are making a commitment to stick with your spouse despite any feelings you might have for anyone else. People meet and encounter interesting people every day, whether at work or elsewhere, but it doesn't mean that they can forget about their spouses each time someone strikes their fancy. I agree with the poster who said that you probably feel that the power to choose was taken away from you, and this is what causes you to dwell over the past. Others have given you good advice about these feelings. I would also add that sometimes it helps to imagine the roles were reversed and your husband was the one pining over someone from his past. This probably would not be acceptable to you. Also try to imagine the negative consequences to you and your children were your daydreams to come true. What would become of your children? What would they think of their mother for abandoning them for another man? Sometimes imagining such scenarios can help you see where you are going wrong with your thoughts.

  6. its too late.

    you should had told your brother's friend before marrying itself that you love someone else and you cannot marry him.

    your brother is also responsible,he saw his selfish motive and respect rather than his sister's life.

    the guy you left in the name of love must had moved on by now.i am sorry but you are married now and past is past,so forget whatever happened and move on.

    next time be courageous to say what you like and hate and do not give the power of decisions to others,countless lives hav been lost due to family pressure.

    ask AllahSWT to help you in forgetting.

    if you were religious and asked AllahSWT for help when you were in love with that guy,he might had helped you.

    you did your best to say no? please,the reality is you fell for your brother's words that this guy is settled,this and that and YOU AGREED TO MARRY HIM.

    so half blame is on you.

    if you told your family i will not marry this guy and i want to marry the one whom i love or else i'll complain to AllahSWT,definitely you would had married to the one you loved.

    stop thinking over your past and i can sense that anger in your heart when you look at your brother...

    sorry sister,you are a mother now and by now,the guy whom you loved first must have moved on.

    cheaters always suffer.

    la hawla quwata illa billah.

  7. Dear Ayesha ,

    I don't agree with you .
    I have suggested her to learn diverting mind to better side and forget the things .If she is struggling to do it then she needs to learn that .
    Getting involved in to deeni activities also will divert her mind and it will be good ..If you struggle with that keep trying it till you don't learn how to get control of this ...

    Also please note that you are encouraging her indirectly by telling her about your falling in love with man despite married to your husband . Please keep those secrets with your self and don't highlight unnecessarily as it leaves negative impact .

    Allah hafiz

  8. Dear Sister,

    If Allah can create the world, make the sun rise in east and to set in west, Create all the lovely stuff in this world for us, Do you think Allah does not know what lies good for you. Always, as part of Eemaan, practice it in mind that Allah knows better whats good and bad for everyone. For sure, there must be a reason why you were distracted away for the boy you loved which you never know.

    Its already decided in everyone life by Allah who will the suitable partner.

    Allah Hafiz

  9. Wa alaikum assalam Sister,

    I don't know what your situation is like at home, but even if you are facing challenges in your marriage, you still shouldn't give up on anything whether that be your husband, children or yourself. Whatever unresolved issues you have, you should try to work them out by starting with yourself. My personal opinion is that you are not in pain so much from not marrying that other man, but more because the opportunity to marry someone else was taken away from you--as though you are suffering from the loss of power to give your input on who you wanted to marry. I think you are subconsciously grief-stricken with how your family dealt with the situation especially given that they initially agreed to marry you elsewhere. Try to find out WHY you are so upset and ask Allah for peace in your heart.

    I also think you need to understand that shaitan never rests in his attempts to break a marriage and to destroy a house. he will whipser away and try to fill your heart with doubt. Not only is shaitaan attacking you with doubtful thoughts about your husband, but in fact that he is pushing you towards losing trust in Allah swt. One understanding we have of this world is that it is temporary, it is a test, and everlasting happiness/contentment do not reside here. Allah has promised us that if we remain steadfast on our deen and put our best efforts forth, that inn shaa Allah, we will be rewarded. Do not lose hope of that and do not lose your trust in Allah swt.

    Keep your prayer regular and on time. Whenever you are flooded with such thoughts, take peace in the remembrance of Allah and ask Him again and again for peace in your heart.

    I would like to share with you the following:

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/133):

    If he is tested with love but he remains chaste and is patient, then he will be rewarded for fearing Allaah. It is known from shar’i evidence that if a person remains chaste and avoids haraam things in looking, word and deeds, and he keeps quiet about it and does not speak of it, so that there will be haraam talk about that, whether by complaining to another person or committing evil openly, or pursuing the beloved one in any way, and he is patient in obeying Allaah and avoiding sin, despite the pain of love that he feels in his heart, just as one who is afflicted with a calamity bears the pain of it with patience, then he will be one of those who fear Allaah and are patient,


    “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost” [Yoosuf 12:90]. End quote.

    So Sister, be patient for Allah knows the pain of every human even if it is hidden away where no one could detect it. May Allah ease your difficulties and put love and mercy in your marriage, Ameen.

  10. Asalamaoalaikum sister,

    You need to ask yourself why is it that after 6 years of being married and having two children you are still thinking of another man? Are you unhappy in your marriage? Are there things lacking in your relationship that you wish you had? Most often people deviate from their marriages when they are unhappy in some way or feel their needs are not being met (though this may not always be the case).

    If you do not feel that your marriage is lacking in any way, then it is quite possible that you’ve set yourself up for failure. Perhaps you had a dream of how you’re partner would have been like, how your marriage would have looked, etc. Now that things didn’t play out that way you imagined, you can’t help but engage in wishful thinking. What you must remind yourself is that the grass always seems greener on the other side. Allah swt blessed you with a husband and two healthy children (and I am assuming you are happy for the most part) and He knows what you do not. Perhaps being married to the other man would have negatively impacted you. Maybe he would have not been good for your duniya or akhirat. Perhaps he does not possess the qualities you are seeking in a husband or maybe he would have been good for you but your husband is even better for you. There can be endless reasons and you may never know why things turned out the way they did but when we submit to God we do so accepting that whatever He wills will happen and whatever He does is best for us. You need to trust Allah swt and remind yourself that you do not know what He does and He knows your needs best, even better then yourself. So stop this wishful thinking and count your blessings. It’s easy to get caught up and look at what you don’t have but as a slave of Allah swt you need to be thankful for what He has given you.

    If you continue thinking about this other man, you’re going to miss out on all the great things your marriage has to offer along with accumulating sins for thinking of a non-mahram man. It’s just not worth it. I’m sure the other man has probably moved on and may even be happily married today.

    -Helping Sister

  11. Salam Sister,

    I think you maybe having problems with your husband and that's why you are thinking about the good times you had with an old companion. We always remember the best and the worst in a person. Since you have never married your old boyfriend you have always seen the rosy side of him. You think he would still be that dark handsome prince as a husband. But that is far from the truth.

    If your husband loved you and showed you affection and emotional support and made you feel happy then you would never think of another man! We women are happy with just unconditional love from our husband. We don't need much to be happy in a marriage. This is just my assumption that you may be having problems.

    So sort out your marital problems with your husband. Speak to him openly about what your unhappy with. Spend more time with each other. Go out on a second honeymoon, leave the kids with family. Dress up for each other. Bring some passion into your marriage. Enjoy activities together. And the most important thing is pray to Allah to remove the bad thoughts from your heart.

    The same thing happened with one of my relatives, she divorced her husband and married her old lover hoping that he will make her happy. But she soon found out that actually there was no grass on the other side at all! He beat her black and blue and took all her money! You only find out a man's true character after you marry him.

    Obviously noone should remain in unhappy marriage forever, but if your husband is a kind loving man who takes care of you phisically and emotionally then stick with him. Work out the problems and make your marriage blissful. Good men are very rare these days.

    Take care

  12. In addition to the above, I would offer you this: It takes a long time to get someone out of your system if you once truly loved them and you thought they loved you. You probably got married too quickly, on the rebound. One month after the separation, you married your current husband. You likely needed some time to process your emotions and grieve the loss of that first person, before you could truly "move on."

    But the past is the past, and you are now married and blessed with 2 children. You can control your thoughts. There are strategies mentioned above in other people's comments. But if you try very hard, you can train your brain to think healthy and more constructive thoughts than the ones you are currently thinking. One piece of advice that may put things in perspective: by fantasizing about the past, you are idealizing it, and idealizing the other man. Don't build castles in the sky; they don't exist. Be grateful for what you have -- many women would do anything to have two healthy babies.

    Allah SWT knows what is right for you, even if you don't like it or want it. Perhaps you are now mourning that other loss (like a delayed reaction almost), which is what happens when we rebound too soon. But if you spend too much time in mourning, you will lose sight of the good things that are right in front of you!

  13. AOA,

    I agree with the advice from Cool and Saba.

    You need to snap out of it pronto! It is highly inappropriate of you to be focusing on another man when you are married.

    You were 19 at the time you 'fell in love' with some guy who hardly fought for you hence you quickly accepting the proposal through your brother's friend. This was just fanciful lust and at an age you when you were too immature to understand such things.

    You're probably in a rut, bored with life and dealing with the kids or something superficial and started fantasising about some unrealistic romance with the boy who never was.

    Be grateful for what you have and learn to take the rough with the smooth. Or are you willing to potentially destroy your kids' happiness because of your betrayal to your husband. All for a strange man who most likely barely remembers you.

  14. Saitan is angry that you have no problem in married life, shaitan is trying hard to put you in worn path and want you to make sins... So keep that on mind and move on towards Allah to guide you. I understand how it feels when past come to future but still Allah loves to help who are honest.

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