In This Case is it Haram to Divorce my Husband?
Assalam Walikoum,
I first wanted to say how much of a blessing it is that this site allows people from all over the world to ask advice on issues that may be too complicated to ask anyone else. I appreciate the effort that people have made to answer my last post, may Allah reward you all. I'm back here to ask a specific question; my last post explains my situation more in detail between my husband and I. To shorten it, my husband and I have been married for 2 years. We got our Nikah done with my father as my Wali , even though he was against the marriage because my husband is not from the same country and in fact is a convert to Islam.
My husband follows the religion very well, Alhamdoullilah, supports me and has been very patient while I am back at my parent's house because they have threatened to disown me and use emotional blackmail to make me believe that my choice of husband is wrong. What hurts me the most is that things are so awkward, I can barely speak about my husband and when I do go spend time with him my parents give off a childish vibe.
Well, 2 years after this and countless discussions and advice from Imams and family members, I do not know what to do. Do I stay married to my husband? The one who I love, trust and can see having a future with Islamically, even if my parents do not see this? Or would divorce be the most appropriate solution since I cannot choose between my parents and my husband? I am an only child, I would like to take care of my parents and make them happy, however I feel I have to sacrifice my own happiness for theirs which truly saddens me. I have prayed Istikhara many times, and the only thing keeping me sane is how much closer I have grown in my deen since being married to him. I do want my parents' unconditional support in this marriage, not them wanting to break it up simply because of culture.
My father is okay with it and understands my happiness, it is my mother however who is blind sighted and only believes an Algerian would make the family complete. She is looking at what she has dreamt for me, not what Allah has destined upon us. I have tried everything possible, I've waited so patiently in hopes that they would see their cultural thinking is overshadowing Islam, but at this point I am ready to give in. I do not want to hurt my husband, he would be devastated especially because he has left everything and changed everything to be by my side and support me. Please give me some advice, all I want is to have a normal marriage without thoughts of depressing my parents, even if the reasons are wrong and cultural.
Salam,
Muslimah403
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Salaams,
Sister, divorce is the most hated halal thing in the eyes of Allah. Divorce is meant as a last resort option for a relationship that isn't able to work. For example, if the trust has been broken beyond repair, if a spouse is sabotaging the relationship so badly there is no hope for it, or the level of commitment between husband and wife have dwindled to nothing, these are reasons for divorce. Other reasons include abuse, infidelity, and addiction...to name a few.
From what I can tell, there is nothing wrong with your marriage at all. There is no valid reason to divorce your spouse. Your mother's issue with your marriage is just that: HER issue. It's not your problem, nor your husband. You both are trying to be good to her and respectful, and if that's not good enough for her and she is making shallow excuses to be stubborn, then you need to understand that it has nothing to do with you, your husband, or your marriage.
Do not divorce your husband over your mother. You're right, she's thinking of herself and not you and your marriage. You made a commitment to your husband, and you are pleased with each other masha'Allah. Don't deny the favor of your Lord just because your mother is seeing things in a very unhealthy and dysfunctional way.
If you can't make peace with her in conventional ways (ie: trying to talk to her and be nice to her in hopes that she will change her views), then the next best thing you can do is put healthy distance between you with appropriate boundaries. Be very clear and straightforward with her that you will NOT sacrifice your marriage just at her whim. Tell her plainly that if she begins to talk to you in a way that disrespects your husband or your marriage, you will change the subject or end the conversation, or leave the room/house if you must.
I also suggest you speak to your father about how this is affecting you, if he is supportive of your marriage as you say. Let him know how you plan to manage your mother's attacks or suggestions to divorce. Perhaps he will be willing to try to talk to her when you aren't around to help her understand that nothing she says is going to make you break a commitment to your marriage for frivolous reasons.
The truth is, as your husband is a convert, if you were to leave him just for your parents this will give him an image of Islam that is not only false, but will cut deep in his heart. He has done a lot for you, and he has done nothing to deserve being abandoned because of the selfish notions your mother is putting forth. Please consider how blessed he is to be guided aright by Allah, and what a barakah you can be to him in this life and perhaps on into the next. This is where your loyalty lies now, and this is what you need to remember each time your mother tries to tell you otherwise.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaam Allaikum,
“When those who believe in Our Ayat come to you, say, “Assalam Alaikum”; your Lord has prescribed Mercy for Himself, so that if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying God), then surely, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran6:54)
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
The rights of a husband over the wife are the greater that the rights of the parents over her in Shariah. Therefore, do not get divorced.
Agreed with Ammy and MOHAMMED may ALLAH bless you all !
Salam sis
u already got best advice from bro mahmud n sis amy so please stick to your marriage sis dont let go
good luck
Salaam,
please do not divorce its haram if there is no reason at all. He is a good husband.
Better to distant you from your mum for a while if she does not accept.I would keep visiting
parents and try to explain.
keep your parents happy in all other ways but stay with your husband. i think you will just have to give it time for your parents to accept your husband. two years is a long time but eventually they will accpet ishaAllah. i dont think divorce should even be considered in this situation. Good luck!
Salam Sister,
Please do not divorce your husband. He embraced Islam just like our Sahaba. You are his guide to Islam. Why would you want him to be without a guide towards the straight path. Your parents orders are invalid and actually against Islam.
Moreover, please note it is very difficult for women to get married to a good man and many families in your culture do not want a divorced woman to be a daughter-in-law.
So let's look at it this way.
A) You have a loving husband.
B) Your husband embraced Islam.
C) None of our Prophets were Algerian, just like your husband.
D) All of our Sahaba converted to Islam, just like your husband.
E) You are his guide to the Straight Path and can help learn more about Islam.
Question one. Why on earth would you want to divorce someone with such great qualities.
F) Most traditional Algerian families want a virgin daughter-in-law.
G) Most traditional Algerian families do not want a divorced daughter-in-law.
H) Most divorced women are unable to marry and have difficulty with financial support.
I) Most traditional Algerian families hate women who initiate the divorce.
Question two. How on earth do you expect to find a good Algerian man who would want to marry a
divorced women who initiated her divorce over a "virgin girl desired by all Algerian Grooms' parents."
Allah has blessed you with a good husband. Unless there is something he is doing that is haram or if he is a bad husband beating you, then Sister I fear you will have a miserable life after divorce.
Perfect Muslim men do not care if a Muslimah is divorced or not, but trust me, you will have a much more difficult life after divorce.
Assalam Sister,
I am just not sure what to do anymore . All I dream of is to have a normal married life with my husband and the support from my parents. My mother keeps blackmailing me saying what she has dreamt of has gone to flames, she doesn't believe that this is the man for me and I have hurt her for life. It baffles me to know that she would disregard what I want for my life and more importantly what Allah has planned for me. I have 1 month to make my decision, I am just so lost, so hurt and cannot function. I want to go ahead and just stay by my husband but I feel so miserable not having my parents support.
Assalamu alaykum sister! I've read both of your posts and like you, I'm drawn between my parents and my husband. I advice you not to divorce your husband sister, I think you'll regret it and if your husband doesn't lack in deen nor in character, and if you love him and he loves you then this should be enough for you to stay married. Have patience sister, I truly understand your situation and I'm trying to stay patient myself although it does affect my relationshop with my husband, but I continue to ask myself how I'll answer Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) on the Day of Judgement when he asks me of my actions, I just can't justify a divorce. don't hesitate to contact me, we're in a similar situation and maybe it helps to talk to each other. Take care sister <3
Walikoum Salam Sister,
It feels so comforting to hear someone is going through a similar situation. It's truly heartbreaking and the only thing keeping me sane is the trust in Allah. I am completely depressed and to this day things have not gotten any better. My mother keeps crying saying I am her only daughter and she cannot fulfil the dreams she had for me... which I truly do not understand. I hope Allah helps us and every person going through a difficult situation. My husband is at his limits and is giving me until May to move back in with him... I am scared to lose my parents and cause them a depression, even if their reasons make no sense. 🙁 . I'd love to keep in contact with you, its tough talking to a lot of people about this situation.
Assalamu alaikum sister <3 it is indeed heartbreaking, ameen to you du'a and I pray Allah eases everything. Send me an e-mail sis, faluda_ [at] hotmail . com and we'll talk more, I hope it can help inshallah, take care!