Islamic marriage advice and family advice

This marriage is ruining my life…

muslim woman holding onto quran

Assalamualaikum, I am looking for an advice regarding my marriage and I don't know who to ask so I decided to ask on here. Basically 3 years ago my parent blackmailed me to marry my cousin or leave the house. I chose to marry him because I didn’t had a place to go to, or give my father a bad image, therefore I decided to do as they said and begin a new life with the man they chose for me, try loving him and have a family together.

Unfortunately that did not happen, my heart isn't allowing me to love my husband as he isn't the husband I wished to have. Firstly he doesn’t want to pay for our rent and forces me to contribute to the house. I don’t have a job as I am studying at university and can't handle work and study at the same time so I give him the money I get from the student finance, I live in the uk by the way. Secondly, he isn't so good on the religious side nor he is caring, loving etc. Apart from these problems we are struggling to get pregnant. We went to see the doctor but there is nothing wrong. I tried praying in the middle of the night asking the almighty to bless us with offspring so that it could help me come closer to my husband and love him but nothing happened. In my heart I feel like we are not supposed to have children together.

I am not attracted to him either mentally or physically. I absolutely hate him touching me because I don’t get turned on by him since I feel like I am sleeping with my own brother, which is absolutely disgusting to think about. There’s nothing worse than having intimacy with someone that you don’t fancy in anyway.

My husband is unaware that I was blackmailed into this marriage and Allah knows what his reaction would be if I tell him the truth. This marriage is ruining my life, I don’t want to fake happiness when I am unhappy from inside. I thought of speaking to my parents about my problem but I am afraid to do so. Can you please give me an advice on how to overcome with this problem? I am tired and becoming depressed.

Jazakallah khair


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29 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    It doesn't make sense that parents marry their daughter off to someone who cannot maintain her. It doesn't make sense that your husband would happily or even force you to use your finance money which is a loan (as I understand) to you for rent. Why would your parents marry you to someone who can't pay rent? We are talking luxury here, but I'm assuming this was the case right from the start and that he didn't hit some kind of financial hardship.

    Did you sponsor him to the UK? What do you mean he is not religious? Is he engaged in serious unIslamic behaviours?

    If you can't get pregnant, maybe that IS the blessing here. And please stop trying for now at least until you clearly know if you are going to stay or end this.

    Sister, if you can pay rent, go to school and do all that in this situation, you can take care of yourself--I am sorry to be so blunt, but I see serious problems here that are typical in the Indian subcontinent community. We often read about girls being coerced into marriage that is far from healthy and is more about family status than a daughter's happiness.

    I suggest that you pray Isthikhara, be brave. You would not be wrong in getting yourself of a sincerely bad situation--you don't need to play the role of a pseudo-husband.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you through this trial, Ameen.

    • My parent didnt know he was like this but they were aware that he is greedy and lies a lot yet they still went ahead. No i did not sponsor him to come to the UK and not being religious i meant he doesnt pray properly, read quran etc. if he was good on the religious side then he would have at least understood hes responsibility as a husband. I spoke to my mother 2 weeks ago and told her that i am not happy with him. She started yelling at me and said that shes afraid i will ruin my father's image :(. My mum is very ignorant and never tries to listen or understand. I thought mothers understand their children's pain with out telling them but unfortunately thats not true.

      • Look sister no one can feel your pain but we can only guide or advice you. I might sound weird but tell the truth to your husband. There might be a little fight but at least he will know the truth. Thus your only chance to raise your voice because neither your parents listen and also because you can make a living and sort out what to do. But DO ISTIKHARA FIRST.

        • I will somehow tell him but i need to wait for the right moment as i cant randomly bring up the topic. My mum said to me that if i ask for a divorce i may actually find someone worst than him which i am afraid of.

          He is actually not bad but the only problem i have with him is that he doesnt like take responsibilities and lies a lot. I also dont like the fact that hes my cousin because i dont see him as a husband but more like a brother. I did pray istikhara many times but i actually stopped that now , not because i dont have faith in allah swt but im just tried. Insha'allah i will tell him soon or later.

          • Sister the more you wait the more difficult it will be for you..first of all do some arrangments at ur friends place as in case things get bad.personally ask a scholar what does Islam say and what are your limitations. I do not know your exact environment otherwise I would consult a scholar for you because the mosque is near my home or I could help you talk to him if you'd like. But if imI'm in ur place I would tell the truth and make him promise not to tell anyone and then do further things

          • Its not easy as you think, i dont have friends that live by themselves but with their parents so it wouldn't look nice to ask my friends. I am extremely a shy person and never ask for help on these things as i believe no one wants each other in this country . Also i only have relatives from my father's side living in the UK and they would actually celebrate with happiness if i get divorce forget about helping me especially my aunts. However i do know someone that would give me a place without a doubt, but i dont think that would be a great idea as he is a male friend.

          • Have you consulted a scholar?

          • No , but i tried finding one at my local mosque on the other day but there were too many men around thus i didnt get a chance.

          • Should I consult a scholar?I'll call u n u can talk

          • That would be a bit uncomfortable for me to discuss over the phone. I prefer face to face.

          • Sister today at Fajr time i consulted a scholar and he said that there is no way except tl wait and ask help from Allah .cuz if u go out and ask for divorce and he doesn't give u then ur stuck. So wait. Other than this he said that marriage like this are forbidden in Islam. But u will have to wait for Allah never wastes good deeds.

          • This makes no sense. What if she asks for a divorce and he does agree? Furthermore, even if he refuses to divorce her, she can ask for khul'ah based on the fact that the marriage was forced. Sitting and waiting is not a solution.


          • Assalaamualaikam

            For the attention of Abdullah and sana1993:

            Please note that this website does not permit the exchange of private contact information, in order to maintain Islamic boundaries. Please respect this rule.


          • No problem.

          • I just noticed this little conversation. Abdullah, what do you think you are doing, inserting yourself in the middle of this sister's private matters? You want to "help her" talk to a scholar? What does this mean? You want to get her phone number? Meet with her? Astaghfirullah. Either you do not understand Islamic boundaries, or you are very young and naive.

            Or do you imagine that she will divorce this man and then marry you, her savior and helper?

            I've put you on moderated status.


          • Sorry brother, i believe u misunderstood my comment. I did not meant to meet brother Abdullah but meet the scholar face to face. And yh the brother is probably concerned and was willing to offer some help.Please do not jump into conclusion if things are unclear to you.

          • Wael first of all I'm not interested in coming between peoples relationship es. I'm just helping her so she can consult a scholar and know what to do. And if I want to get somones number i would certainly not try my chanCES with an unknown.especially not on an Islamic website where people come for advice. Just for your information I have been helping people since past 2 years on .and i feel sorry for you for having such backward thought about anonymovs people. What do u think im trying my chances with her? For godsake she is married what chance does a 16 year old have with a girl who is marrid, who i dont know lives nor her background. ASTAGHFIRULA. Brother do urself a favour go to the 564 islamic sites and read all advices of people and then tell I am wrong. What do u think if ur in trouble and some1 gives u advise. What will u say? Maybe after reading how much u just remembered Allah on my commemt based on 2 year experience and helping dozens of peopldm you would say to that person "are u trying ur chances with me?"". Have an open mind.

          • I thought you might be a teenager. Brother, your intentions might be good - and I'm sure you've helped people ma-sha-Allah - but it is simply inappropriate for you to try to establish phone contact with a married woman, no matter your intentions. I am right about this, and you should take my advice. While you have two years helping dozens of people, I have almost 20 years experience researching these matters and helping thousands of people.

            By the way, I have removed you from moderated status, as I see that your intentions are good.


      • Assalam alaikum,

        Dear Sister Sana,

        I just noticed that you replied to my comment.

        Your mother is using scare tactics to keep you married to your cousin--like saying that you could marry someone worse. That's alright. But, it doesn't mean that you can't improve your life.

        First, can you please stop financially supporting your husband? Use your loan money to pay for what it was meant to pay for and start carefully spending money, while trying to save some as well. Do not hand cash over to your husband whatsoever. He sounds rather interesting--he is avoiding full-time work so that he doesn't have to be more responsible like paying full rent. I know what my gut says about this, but after all, he is your husband--so the only think I will say is that is 'concerning.' It sounds manipulative and selfish.

        I don't agree with Br. Abdullah and telling the truth to your husband just now. That could seriously backfire. He could go to your parents and then all together they would put undue pressure on you for goodness knows what. So, I think you need to handle this matter, for now, privately, on your own. In any case, it sounds like you are on your own, so why invite more problems?

        Work on a plan to complete your studies. Be careful with your money. Don't try to have a child right now. When the time is right and you not only feel confident, but you are more financially stable (at least in terms of managing the money that you have), then talk to your husband about your concerns. Do not allow your family to interfere and if they do, you have to get over how or even if it will tarnish your father's reputation--honestly, do you care about other people's reputation in the community? This is getting old, this story of the family image--most people are busy in their own lives and have their own problems--I am sure your family is only using this to manipulate you to do what they want and it is working.

        Don't be a victim. You are not powerless, especially where you live. You simply need to have some faith in yourself and believe that you are not wrong--you don't need to consider divorce, but you need to eventually get your husband to raise his standards so that he fills the role that he is supposed to. When that discussion comes up, you can let him know that you are willing to save the marriage, but you don't have low standards--that discussion will eventually have to make it to the table.

        May Allah swt ease your problems, Sister, Ameen.

        As for Br. Abdullah, I believe you are 16 from your comment a little further down the is not wise, young brother, to get personally involved. Inn shaa Allah, Sister Sana will get through this difficult time in her life.

        • U are right about that part thats why I consulted a scholar and have told her what Islam says. Now my sister in Islam it's for you o decid your path. I have told you what Islam says. Hope may the odds be in your favour.

  2. OP:Unfortunately that did not happen, my heart isn't allowing me to love my husband as he isn't the husband I wished to have. Firstly he doesn’t want to pay for our rent and forces me to contribute to the house. I don’t have a job as I am studying at university and can't handle work and study at the same time so I give him the money I get from the student finance

    -This is ridiculous, he is suppose to support you financially not the other way around. If he isn't caring or a pious man, there's no point of further continuing your marriage in my opinion.

    -Not having children in this case may actually be a blessing , because if he doesn't provide for you and asks for money , how will he provide for the child? That burden probably will fall on your shoulders too.

    -Get a divorce and move out, talk to sisters at the mosque who can help you find a temporary household or maybe they can link you to a Muslim women's shelter so that you can stay there until you have finished university and are able to get a job. Then you can get your own house or apartment.

    -Having children with him may not bring you closer to him , this seems like a common misconception, because a persons previous attitude is a good indication of their future attitude and actions. In this scenario your husband is only likely to get more aggressive and demanding towards you.

    -Try letting your parents know of this situation , and if they threaten to disown you or harm you in any way then its best you get in touch with your local mosque so someone is able to help you there.

    -Do istikhara to help you be guided towards the right decision.

    • My parent will not harm me but they would obviously disown me which i am afraid. As for having a child my husband believes that it will bring us money and better house which sounds very stupid to me, basically he wants a baby for a wrong reason.

  3. Asalamualaikum Sister,
    I am a 16 year old boy who has seen same situation as yours in my life. My mother was also forced into marriage and my father used to beat her force her and did not let her complete her studies. I am truly sorry. But i will give you the advice which my mother did and now we live separately , happily and independently with my grand parents satisfied. First do Istikhara and pray that should you consult your parents or should you talk to him. My mother talked to my grand parents and along with all this activity she applied for jobs so that we could live independently in the future (my father was unknown to this). At first my grand parents did not agree but after recording videos of his attitude and the real life stories my grand parent also took the side of my mother. Afterwards once he went to another city to meet his relatives. On that day my mother took us with all our belongings to her childhood friend and filed a case against him in family court as by the title harassment and uncomfortable behavior.After a few months she got divorced and for a few years we lived with our grand parents and afterwards we got an apartment and we lived their. Now we live with our family happily and my mother did 2nd marriage wiith whom she felt comfortable and now we are finally happy i hope my story might help you in the future.

  4. Salam sister...

    Im confused: your father wanted you to marry this deadbeat poor cousin, why? Either get your father to pressure his family to make him get a job, or else do as the above comments suggests and look for a way out.

    If you still have trouble deciding consider...
    On one hand, you two are trying to have a baby so there must be some intimacy, some tiny bit of hope. On the other hand, if you despise him and think a baby will fix things, it will only make things worse.

    Hope I could help,

    • He has a part time job and not willing to make it full because he doesnt like the fact that if he works full time the council will ask him to pay full rent. My parent married me off to him because they were afraid that i would elope with someone that they dont like so they blackmailed me gave me two options to choose from, either marry my cousin or leave the house. I wish i left the house instead so i wouldnt have to see this day. Unfortunately didnt had a place to go to at the time and had no job .

  5. Dear sister,now u r married n only thing u can do is to start lovng him,yes religiously he s wrong ,but pray to Allah so He opens new paths fr u,jst do sabar ,n start developing intimacy fr ur husband n say him that he is supposed to pay all accomodation expenses

  6. I really feel for you, your parents were in the wrong. This is nothing new BUT children need to stand up to their parents this is the only way this can be stopped. I supposed marrying in families is easier for parents to keep families together but this way of thinking is selfish and backwards because it is the kids that suffer due to parents PRIDE/ISSZAT HONOR RESPECT etc. I however do agree there are also bad people out there. Who to say if you married outside your family you wouldn't have had problems etc. I do agree with your parents with this.

    Some people in Pakistan do lie and are proper crafty BUT you have to be one step ahead and be confidant. This is a difficult situation you are in and all around the world we have good and bad people though bad people with bad habits are increasing. Try and continue to make this marriage work I know this is easy for me to say BUT there are loads of people in your situation. I know exactly what you saying and how you are feeling. Once you finish uni maybe you should work even part time you may also feel better and feel some sort of happiness within you. I really hope inshAllah Allah opens new paths for you and gives you sabar. Your not alone my heart goes out to you.

    • Salam sister Samina thanks for your comment my dear. I did try to stand for myself but then as i said i was given two options to choose from. I was at college at the time with no job so i didnt wanna end up on the street so i kept quiet and they went ahead with the marriage and did not bother to ask me if my answer is 'YES' or 'NO'. But in my heart it was no as i wasnt happy with it.

      I do try and still trying to make this marriage work but sometimes i feel sad within me especially when a see couples that are holding hands in public or a pregnant woman as i cant see myself in any of the positions. I dont feel loved at all. I think this is because he came from a small town back home plus 10 years older than me and i was born here thus we struggle to understand each other.

      I do have a part time job at the moment and will be on my final year at university next year insha'allah. However i am afraid i may have to do the husband's role once i graduate as i will be working full time insha'allah.

      • InshAllah I know how you feel and I really feel you and your pain may Allah make it easy for you. This is not your fault its how life is and sometimes how we want fairytale or how we plan out life to be it doesn't happen because Allah has better plans made or stored for us may they be better ones. Stay strong and be happy you dont need to be sad or depressed marriage was never going to be easy may Allah reward you.

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