Islamic marriage advice and family advice

This relationship is toxic

Out of ideas

Asalamu Alaycom

I need to ask a question, maybe you have heard of this problem before, my wife and I are not in a stable relationship, i constantly ask Allah to help but our problems have gotten severe at times. One minute we are happy but the next we fight and hate each other. Due to my wife hating my family and it has been 3 years since she had contact with them.

Long story short my sister in laws hated my wife and caused problems when she was living at the family home for 6 months till I got my own place. But now all my brothers have their own place and my wife hates my parents and my sister's who didnt do anything to my wife. She invites her own family to our home but when i ask for mine she says no and reminds me of what happened. God help us if we have kids as she will never allow my parents to see them but is happy to allow all her members too visit.

She angers me every night now nearly i am frustrated as i don't have sexual contact anymore and dont rememeber the last time in was relieved. As she now refused to even touch me saying its dirty as she as an ocd problem.

What can I even do now, i have been patient for 2 years, i live in the UK. It's a dilemma now to the point i say am not gonna see her family as she refuses to even speak to my mother or father alone and want them to apologise for my sister in laws actions. Please advise as the relationship is toxic. What I say doesnt work, especially if I mention my family's name. I cannot have children too due to this reason.


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3 Responses »

  1. Aslamualiqum brother,
    Were you two arranged if you dont mind me asking or was it love? Does it have anything to do with acceptance ? This usually happens to alot of households. There is usualy mostly some sort of family drama. It happened with my relationship when i was married to a pakistani man. His family and my family didnt get along so well depending on differents beliefs or jealousy too. It happens thats why God tells us to be patient. I think you should talk to your wife concering these problems and tell her that, '' I love you but try to understand me or else it will we hard for us to be happy in our lives.'' Make sure you both are willing to improve and show changes and care about each other. I think you should do a family sitdown with your parents and all and talk it out or tell your parents to talk things out with her. You have to be on the on the right page. I know its very hard, I was the same way who cant be happy in a joint family because its hard to adjust or get along or do something when your living in joint family. Every family has different point of views and beliefs of how to live in a house. Some people come from an easy background while some are very strict controling mind.

  2. Your wife is still angry with you because you are not accepting whatever your sister did was wrong. The only way I can see this work is if your parents and wife talk it out and somehow forgive one another. Joint family is not a easy thing at all, even if everyone is a good person, no body wants to live under an inlaws roof and live by their rules. You didn't explain what happened when you were living with your parents, your wife may have a reason to be mad. I agree she can at least invite them over and rectify the relationship. When you have kids your wife should not deprive your kids from visiting your family. Have a serious talk with her about your future concerns.

  3. the problem with men is they never take the time to understand their wife's problems. what u think was no big deal with your wife and your sisters, was probably very hurtful to her. try to see it from her point of view. put yourself in her shoes. i have been there with my husband always saying " my family has done nothing to you, you just have so much hate." instead of blaming her understand her and take her side for once. once you do that she will calm down, and then u can try to talk her into sitting down and having a talk with your family and see how that goes. May Allah help you both

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