Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tired of being poor, weak, sexually frustrated mocked virgin male

key to Heaven

15 Say: Shall I give you glad tidings of things Far better than those? For the righteous are Gardens in nearness to their Lord, with rivers flowing beneath; therein is their eternal home; with companions pure (and holy); and the good pleasure of Allah. For in Allah.s sight are (all) His servants,"

Ever since, I've come to this kuffar western world and the same is even becoming of the Muslim Munafiq world, all people are being judged upon is: what is your status(doctor,lawyer,rich businessman which I ain't), what car you drive(I can't afford a car in expensive car insurance canada), how many women have you had sex with(since majority of Canadians are fornicating kaffirs and because of my anti-social skills with women and because Islam is against pre-marital sex, I've refrained from it and along with it even if I do make the attempt to get a women I know I'll never be able to fornicate for free because of my anti-socialness).

And obviously Muslimah women of today are gold-diggers just like the kuffar women, and will only marry the Alpha-male Muslims at the top, which leads many poor muslim men through sexual frustration. I am not saying that marriage should only be about sex, it should be about love, care, respect for one another, raising a family, and religion, but even then getting a Muslimah woman willing to marry you is hard. It's common thing about the western kuffars is to mock virgin men and make them look like loosers because they haven't had sex or couldn't have sex, which has lowered my bloody self-esteem. If there was drug to destroy or reduced sexual thoughts, I would take it but there isn't any. That's why I've to resort to pornography and masturbation to lower my sexual frustration.

My father is unemployed because he's too lazy like shaitan to find a job, my mother can't find a job despite her trying, my brother's contract is going to over soon, and I just got recently provincial loan probation because of academic downfall during winter semester, due to hanging around with wrong people who were my kuffar friends. I've prayed to Allah to help me in getting my loan appealed but I don't know why Allah refused to help me in appealing my loan. I see Allah helping these kuffars have a wealthy hi-fi life but Allah refrains from helping the poor muslim me is something I don't understand? Kuffars never pray yet they get everything while I pray and I never get anything in my life.

I'm tired of being poor and broke, tired of having sexual thoughts and having low-self esteem because of virginity mocking, tired of being physicall weak enough to down people who threaten to fight me.

I need some advice and prayers from people to Allah to help me get out of these situations.

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36 Responses »

  1. Asslamu Alaikum Warhamthallahi Wrbkathuhu,

    Brother, i also know the challanges of living in a western country, full of kuffars, but i'm a very religious person, nonetheless. If i can do, then why cant you? theres so many poius muslims out there living in a western culture, and still follow strict islamic values. No matter where you are, Shaitaan is still there, you cant escape just because you move to a islamic country. if you truly have islam in you heart, know that Allah(swt) is watching at all times, you wouldnt think of commiting any sins. I certainly wouldnt judge someone based on their wealth, status, looks, money. the only thing i judge someone is according to how their imaan. Some people are like that, but also remember that theres also other who are not. It certainly looks like to me that you've got a wrong set of freinds, you 're trying to satisfy the creation forgetting the creator. Brother, worry about how Allah(swt) will judge you. We live in the dunya for the sake of Akhira.

    Not all Muslimahs are like that. Im a Muslimah myself, if a brother has a poius then alhmaitllah, i would marry him regardless of his status or how rich he is. Money and all are for this Dunya, they're of not benefit in the Akhira. I know of so many Muslims who get so fasinated by the luxaries in this Dunya, that they forget why they're here. Brother, if Allah(swt) granted the wishes of everyone, everyone would be happy that they will forget who have them these happiness. Problems happen so that you learn from them and wont commint the same thing again, its a way of realising what important,. Surely, Allah(swt) is the best of planners, and theres a reason why your loan wasent appealed. Life is a test, when theres a problem who should you turn to?? Surely, those who patient will be rewarded by Allah(swt), Inshallah.

    Allah(swt) does not love those kuffars, because they're not a muslim but you are MUSLIM. He has blessed you with the religion of truth, what more can you ask for? Not everyone gets the chance to be a muslim. He gives all the other luxaries in this dunya like money, status to those who he loves and doesent love, but Islam is only for those whom he loves. You have the chance of going to Paradise, and only Allah(swt) whether those kuffars got any luck of becoming muslims. you may have never got anything in life brother, but you got the blessing of Allah(swt), that is definetely better than anything this dunya can give,
    I used to be jealous of kuffars. I've always wanted to do medicine, yet i had no luck but the non-muslims were doctors, and i thought the exactly the same thing as you. I used to see so many pretty girls showing off their hair, looking really beautiful, but i had to hid my beauty, but i've realised something really important after that. I've been blessed with Islam, they havent!!! Allah(swt) loves me more than the non-muslims. no matter how great doctors they become, they will never taste the sweetness of being a muslim.

    Brother, it is may be that being a virign is what will take you to Paradise, Inshallah. Maybe it is what will take the Kaafirs to Jahannam. I hope that you find a sister who truly loves Allah(swt) and inshallah, she will get you closer to him. May Allah(swt) forgive your sins and lead you to the straight path.

    • Yeah, unforntunately none of the Muslimahs around me are like the good you, willing to marry any good hearted Muslim man with no wealth right now. I would never treat a Muslim woman bad, but than again Muslimahs around me as far as I've seen want a rich alpha-male Muslim man, who are big time cheaters behind their wives. Even today Muslim shop-owners don't give jobs to their Muslim brothers easily, which has kept me away from the Muslim community as well.

  2. Asalamoalikum brother,
    I am sorry to hear about your hardship and struggle and I will try my best to advise you to the best of my abilities. Brother, I also live in a Western country and know the struggles that you are talking about, but I feel you are amplifying them to a certain extent. Firstly, what struck out to me is that you are upset about being a virgin male? SubhanAllah, you are so blessed brother, you truly have no idea (if you did, you would have not complained). Do you have any idea how many Muslimahs dream of marrying a virgin male (and vice versa). Allah swt has protected your most important asset. I know virginity doesn’t “make or break” a person, but it is something very important and fornication is very much disliked in Allah swt’s eyes. You may decide to fulfil your short term lustful desire but in the long run you will only become addicted to this animalistic lifestyle where you will loose all sense of right and wrong and just keep fuelling your desires. I know of many, many guys who are leading this corrupt and false lifestyle. It’s like they have made their nafs their God (nauzubillah) and are always on the hunt to satisfy their lust. They chase one girl, then another, and then another, and still they are never satisfied. You know what they are left with at the end though= loads of regret. Many of these guys who corrupt their sound hearts from haram things regret later on when they mature and realize that true content happiness was never attainable from these things. Often times, the damage has cut them so deep that they are scarred for life (and many can never fully heal from the harm they have inflicted on themselves.). Even worse, some guys never realize the weight of their sins and die in the sate of doing haram.

    All of this luxury, status, hi-5 cars, etc is an illusion. I am by no means saying that one should not lead a comfortable life and work hard for it, but looking at others and envying what they have will only cause you damage, no one else. If you want to life a luxurious life, then I suggest that you work hard for it. Focus on your education, stop spending time with these “friends” who are doing you no good except for throwing you off track, pray salat consistently and do not be angry with Allah swt because He does not give you what you desire. Allah swt says, you may think that something is good for you when in reality it isn’t and you may think something is bad for you when in actuality it is for your good.

    Brother you must not give into this illusion that you think will give you satisfaction and happiness. It definitely will give you short term pleasure but the long term costs are much higher. If you truly feel that you cannot refrain from controlling your sexual desires, then try to get married and if you cannot afford to get married, then fast as it prevents you from falling off track and going astray (as recommended by our prophet s.a.w.).

    Lastly and most importantly, you have a choice brother. You can choose either this (temporary) world and fulfill your desires and constantly fuel yourself with the illusion that you will be satisfied (which you never will be) or you can practice patience, have faith in Allah swt and perform good deeds for which you will be reward immensely in the hereafter (an everlasting place). The choice is up to you, choose this world (and lose out in the hereafter) or follow Allah’s commands and still enjoy the halal means in this world (and gain in the hereafter). I’m sure you intelligent to weigh the cost and benefits and make the right choice.

    -Helping Sister

    • You're right about how many virgin Muslimah women out there want to marry a virgin man like me, but the only Muslimah that you're talking about are on the internet, none around the locality I live in. I'm depressed of being a Virgin man, not because I don't want to stay a virgin for my future virgin muslimah wife, but because how many kuffars and munafiqs amongs claimed muslims, have made fun of me for not having a girlfriend, wife, or sex. How this society looks down on Virgin Men. There were time I had to lie to these kuffars that I had 4 wives back in my home country, but because of western laws I wasn't, out of them some did figure out I was lying and made fun of me for it. If you know Muslimah women interest in marrying, tell them about me, I would like to take their permission from them and their parents for marriage if they are ready for it. I put my profile on Muslima.org but got zero results.

      • Brother,
        I want to tell you something. I too live in a Western country and the area I live in has a variety of people ranging from Muslims to Arabs to Greeks, etc. However the University I attend has predominately Caucasians people. In my first year I had a group project in which our professor assigned the members and I was the only Muslimah in my group. All of them were kaafirs and although they were very kind to me they would often talk about their Friday night out in the club and getting drunk, etc. They asked me one day if I wanted to go out for some drinks and I simply replied by saying, Thank you for offering but I am a Muslim and my religion prohibits the consumption of alcohol. They all smiled and responded, not a problem! They respected my religious beliefs and you know why they did that—because they saw my confidence. They saw that I wasn’t ashamed of saying “no” nor was I feeling pressured. They were nice people but their social gathering was entirely different than mine. I don’t feel any regret for saying no because I know what my religion has commanded me to do.
        Likewise, if these friends of yours mock you, simply tell them, my religion prohibits pre-marital relationships and rightly so—do you know how many people end up with STDs? We believe virginity is a sacred union between a man and women and we cherish this bond, hence we save it for the right person. It’s not commodity that we just give it to anyone; it’s for that someone special. You guys need to understand that I’m a strong follower of my religion and I would like you to respect me in this aspect. You have to lay the ground, let them know why you’re not engaging in these activities and tell them that you have no regrets. When you show them how confident you are, they will stop mocking you.
        Lastly, if you are interested in marriage have you talked to your family that can potentially help you in this aspect? Also, you can try going to the masjid and talk to the imam there telling him of your struggles and that you are in search for a pious Muslimah. They may be able to help you, inshAllah.
        Stay strong brother and do not give up your most important asset. You are blessed alhumdulillah!
        -Helping Sister

        • My father never gave a damn about our family. Islam tells us that parents who don't take responsibilities of children and distance them from children will be punished. My father is one of those who doesn't want to take responsibility. So I can't discuss this kind of stuff with him.

          My mother does take responsibility of family, but she thinks I'm being too desperate about finding a woman for me. Plus I'm in financial crisis, so there is no point. But fact is I don't control those sexual hormones, they control me like a demonic jinn possessing my body.

          Do you think it's easy to talk to the imam? He'll probably suggest fasting which never worked for me.

          • Sexuallyrepressedmujahideen brother,

            I see something like you need some counselling sessions regularly.

            I know for a surety that women in the West, and I am talking about non- Muslim, also appreciate virgin guys and so do Muslims.

            And why you are talking about them again and again?

            Do you have to please Allah or to please them?

            I think each time you try to become too innocent, but read your posts all over the website, and see your words, if I were a Muslim girl or any girl, I would not even feel like talking, forget about marrying someone so rough in approach.

            I do not say you are not innocent, but I feel you lack maturity. Once you have it, Insha Allah you will speak and do things in a better way.

            I can advice you a cure not like "fasting". But other ways:

            1. Fix at least one to two hours to read Qur'an translation.
            2. With each verse, take your key board or pen and write down what different meanings they convey to you.
            3. Listen to Qaris on youtube and other websites and try to learn new Surahs, If I am right, you are not Qur'an haafiz yet. So go for it, start with some shorter surahs.
            4. Which ever surahs you know, stand up at night and pray 2 by 2 rakahs with those surahs and last pray witr before you sleep or before fajr.

            At least if you do this much, Insha Allah you will feel coming closer to Allah and Islam.

            You never commented on my post later on this page. Read it and know for yourself whether your crying over this matter is as grave or you should be crying over the day of Qiyamah?

            Think for yourself and start acting now. I think you have had enough advices as well.

            So say bismillah and begin work. I believe you came on this website to seek advice and I think you got many. So begin to work them out, make them in actions now.

            Salaam

            * * *

      • Assalamu alaikum brother. First of all let's give praise to Allah swt Who has saved you from the path of misguidance and temptation that so many around you have taken. You are so blessed brother because Allah swt has kept you on the path of the rightly guided. Allah swt has blessed you with guidance and of course this angers Shaitan so he'll try, by any means possible, to take you down the wrong path. I understand where you are coming from as I am a Muslim revert living in a place that has no Muslims at all. It's difficult dealing with the jokes, the stares, the snide remarks. However, we must be patient, steadfast and keep company with righteous people who will help us to follow the truth inshaAllah as Allah swt advises us in Surat at-Tauba 119.

        "O you who believe! Be afraid of Allah, and be with those who are true (in words and deeds)."

        Brother it is absolutely haram to be in the company of those who mock the deen in any way whether they be kuffar or so-called "Muslims". You must remove yourself from the company of those kind of people as long as they are making disrepectful comments regarding the Islamic lifestyle. If you absolutely can't get away from them (i.e. work environment, school etc.), please brother be patient in putting up with these foolish attitudes from the kuffar and the munafiqun.

        The Quran says, “Beautified is the life of this world for those who disbelieve, and they mock at those who believe. But those who obey Allah’s Orders and keep away from what He has forbidden, will be above them on the Day of Resurrection. And Allah gives (of His Bounty, Blessings, Favors, and Honors on the Day of Resurrection) to whom He wills without limit” [Surat al-Baqarah 2:212].

        As for the masturbation and pornography, I have to ask you this question: Could you do those things in front of your family, your mother, father, brothers and sisters? Could you do it in front of your friends and neighbors? Could you do it if Rasulillah saw or any of the sahaba were to appear in front of you? Of course not so why would you do it in front of your Rabb, the Creator of the heavens and the earth? Do you not know that He can see you when you are doing it? Do you not know that when you do it the angels can see you and it is recorded among all of your other deeds? How can you regard Allah ta'ala as the least of those who can see you? Astaghferullah! Allah swt tells us, “They may hide (their crimes) from men, but they cannot hide (them) from Allah; for He is with them (by His Knowledge), when they plot by night in words that He does not approve” [Surat an-Nisaa 108].

        Fear Allah swt and don't make it worse for yourself by looking at haram things or reading pornographic stories or other things that provoke desire. There is no excuse for any of that because you have control over whether you do it or not don't you? You don't know when you will die, do you? Also you don't know in what condition you will die, do you? Stop for a moment and think about it. What if Allah azza wa jal were to take your soul in death while you were engaging in these evil habits? Would this be a good end or a bad one? What if you were to be raised from your grave when the last things you were doing were these things? I don't mean to sound harsh brother but this is a serious matter.

        This is why marriage is half the deen and why it is so important, because wives and husbands are a protection for each other against evil temptation. Hasten to get married, for there is no permissible way of fulfilling your desires except marriage. Rasulillah saw said,

        “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

        If you can't marry right away then you should fast and fill your time with beneficial things and strive to keep company with righteous people who can help you.

        May Allah swt increase your iman and make you steadfast in following the straight path until that Day you will meet Him, inshaAllah in a state of goodness that He loves and is pleased with.

  3. salaam aleykum brother,

    I side by all the sister khadijah said. She said it excellently, so thank you sister!
    I can relate to how you must feel brother. I am a convert and gave up many things for Allah (swt) such as my dress style, my way of living, some friends, and instead i got troubles in my education becoz of my hijab and troubles with my family and people judging me in the streets and shops every day for how i dress now. Hey brother, remember this: what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

    Well here is how i think you should look at it, forgive me for not being able to explain it well enough, im not a native english speaker and i have no knowledge of arabic. I believe (becoz also this is how Allah swt has explained it in certain verses in the quran) that the kuffar are given riches and a pleasant life in this world, but they are the losers in the next world. We face difficulties in this life, but this may very well be our way to paradise. Doesnt Allah swt tell us that he will test us with loses and hunger and other things that we dont like? Sometimes the more you are tested, the more Allah swt loves you.

    As for being sexually frustrated, try to find something to focus your mind on. It can be reading quran, praying or fasting. But it can also be sports or hanging out with the right friends or helping your mother with something. Remember that if you keep yourself for your wife and she keeps herself for you, its a beautiful gift that you can give both your virginity to each other. Really, do you think it will make you happy if you slept with 5 or 10 girls before your marriage? Ofcourse not! it will be gratification for a few minutes. Remember that your iman and your islam is gratification for your entire life.

    Also remember the wonderful verse in Quran where Allah swt says that no soul will be burdened with what he cannot bear. Your challenges in this life might be tough, but you are only a true winner when you where tested. Keep in mind always that you are never tested beyond what you can bear. So face any challence with courage, and know that you will be a winner. Dont let anyone get you down. They are probably jealous anyways. There is more to life then a car or a big salary.

    Hang in there, be proud to be a muslim, focus on your religion, and on the day of judgement you will be amongst the winners.

    Good luck, may Allah bless you,
    salaam aleykum

    • I know that having fornicating with 5 to 10 women won't make me feel good because of deen and because I want a virgin wife, but on the other hand living in this world where virgin men are mocked as lonely looser hermits, make me want to have sex and therefore want a wife, but there aren't any Muslimah women around here in the west as far as I've seen, ready to marry me. If you know Muslimah women interest in marrying, tell them about me, I would like to take their permission from them and their parents for marriage if they are ready for it. I put my profile on Muslima.org but got zero results.

  4. Assalam-Aaikum,

    First of all brother you need to change your company, it will change a lot of things. Yes it can become really lonely once you are away from home living without family. But instead of hanging out with bad friends(muslim/non-muslim) hangout with good friends. As far as virginity is concerned, don't worry about that much inshaAllah you'll loose it and won't get it back once you get married :-).

    Brother you are away from your home. You are having problems with companionship and loneliness. Apart from having good muslim friends, I'll also suggest you to get married. Yes, marriage is about companionship, sharing, friendship, love blah blah blah. But its also about sex so get married. If its not about sex, why did prophet Muhammad(s.a.w.) told us to fast if we can't get married.

    Now the problem is should you get married now or later when you have 'money'. Its simple, get married now IF you can bear responsibilities of good muslim husband. Marriage is not a big problem, its simple, we muslims have made it so complex ourselves. Read this book and that, simply follow Quran and Sunnah in your married life.

    I think your characterization of Muslimah sisters being gold diggers is as true as muslim men looking for some hollywood actresses. What is the percentage I don't know but what we sow is what we reap. I think if you can find a lady who'll marry you not seing your money/stature then cheerish her and make her the queen as she is being your partner in your bad times and inhaAllah when good times will come she'll be your queen also.

    Perhaps your loan rejection has something good in it. May be you are saved from 'ribah' by Allah (s.w.t.) and he'll bring out some other solution. As a person who knows what it means to give/take loan, I think its blessing of Allah (s.w.t.).

    For kuffars getting everything without praying, its simple, everything in this world has less worth than a feather of a mosquito in eyes of Allah(s.w.t.). Therefore Allah gives them without asking because its worthless. So, even though they might be getting everything without penalty , they might/might not be paying a HIGH price for it i.e. their aakhirah.

    Brother, prayer is not a guarantee to get anything from Allah. Its always listened by Allah but it cannot be immediately answered. Or it might never be answered and kept for the hereafter. So don't worry in your prayers not being answered.

    Being poor is something which you have common with Prophet Muhammad(s.a.w.). He had no money. He never kept it if he got any from somewhere. So whatever is allocated for us in this life we'll get it and whatever is not written we can never get it no matter what we do. Now the question is should we get it with haram ways or in halal ways with 'sabr' and 'shukar'.

    regards,

    • Thankz 4 de advice Ikhwan! But I tried fasting and it has never helped me rid of my sexual frustration. Sometimes a blend of poverty/financial frustrations, sexual frustrations, educational frustrations, possess me like a demonic spirit that either lead to pornography & masturbation or makes me wanna go to the ghettos close by and tell some to smoke me with his uzi. I don't know if my approaching Muslim women out of the blew is right way of proposing for marriage, or even if facebook proposal is good way for marriage. If you know Muslimah women interest in marrying, tell them about me, I would like to take their permission from them and their parents for marriage if they are ready for it. I put my profile on Muslima.org but got zero results.

      • A better way rather than proposing to strangers on facebook would be if you could talk to your family, ask you mom and sisters if they can look for someone, see if they know any nice girls in the mosque that are looking. Also talk to your imam and see if your mosque and community has any matrimonial programs. You can also try the internet sites as you are doing.

        Please you must stop the porn etc before you marry because any nice sweet muslim girl will be devastated by a husband doing these type of things, its not fair to her. And you and she should both do Istikhara before marriage.

        I dont know how to cure these addictions, I hope some brothers can help you with that, perhaps add some zikr like the dua of Yunus, its ayat kareema in Sura Anbiya verse 87, maybe try reciting it frequently esp when you have urge for sinful things, and ask Allah to help you. Do some daroods before and after reciting as well. I imagine you are already praying 5x, try to pray in mosque and find a nice brothers study group to spend your time learing about religion. I think having good friends around you will help as well inshalla.

      • Have you tried halfourdeen.com? They also have a facebook page if you are interested. I'm not aware that they charge any money for helping people to find suitable spouses.

  5. Salam

    I agree with everything said before so will not repeat, but I want you to understand that we humans can NEVER comprehend why Allah places us in certain situations and we'll NEVER know the wisdom (hikma) behind His decisions. You will find much needed peace if you say, Alhamdulillah, if this is what my Creator wants then why not? Also brother realise that when your dua's are not seemingly answered then don't think its a No from Allah- its only 'Not yet.'

    A reminder:

    Allah (SWT) says: “And when my slaves ask you (O Muhammad) concerning Me, then (answer them) I am indeed near. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me. So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” (2: 186)

    And He, in His infinite Mercy, also says: “Who else is there that responds to the call of the one in distress when he calls out, and He removes evil from him? ...Is there any other God besides Allah? Little is it that you remember!” (27:62)

    its simply humans weakness when we think that our dua is accepted if we receive exactly what we ask for and when we do not receive what we asked for we feel like our dua has been rejected. In reality, there are various ways in which our dua can be considered “accepted”. The Prophet (SAW) said: “Any Muslim who makes a supplication containing nothing that is sinful and nothing that involves breaking ties of blood relationships, will be given for it by Allah one of these three things: He may accept his request, or assign its reward for him in the next world, or turn away from him an equivalent amount of evil.”

    Also our condition can be summed up in the following hadith:

    The Prophet (SAW) said: “The supplication of a slave continues to be granted as long as he does not supplicate for a sinful thing or for something that would cut off the ties of kinship and he does not grow impatient.” It was said: “O Messenger of Allah! What does growing impatient mean?” He (SAW) said, “It is one's saying: ‘I supplicated again and again but I do not think that my prayer will be answered.’ Then he becomes frustrated (in such circumstances) and gives up supplication altogether.”

    Please perform plenty of prayers, both obligatory and supererogatory, they will benefit you much. And rather than looking around you, try and look inwards more, spend time in relection, and you must'nt spend time alone- try and find good company, I think as a man it would be very easy for you to sit in the company of knowledgable ulema and thats what you should try and do.
    Below is link to a series of lectures by a very great scholar- I hope you can find it in yourself to listen to these, i can gaurantee you that you will find much benefit in them.

    http://www.halaltube.com/speaker/hamza-yusuf

    I pray Allah makes it easy for you.

  6. Salaam Brother,

    1. Do not get involved in the Kuffar lifestyle, they are at a grave loss whereas you will be victorious.
    2. Don't worry about the gold diggers, most of those gold digger females are not gold diggers, it's their families, but you will be better off without them anyway.
    3. Money comes and goes and some people will never be happy no matter how much they have. I'm average and I still feel it's enough, it will always be a case of, no matter how much you have it will never be enough.
    4. Those people who are stirred by someone's position in this world as a pose to their inner character are people to avoid. Let them find MDs for their daughters, those MDs might have money in stashes, but that money will not guarantee they treat their daughter right.

    You have a lot going for you, don't let the people of the west, particularly the families of the west make you think any differently.

    I will take this opportunity to tell you of a woman who married a man who didn't earn much. He worked hours and hours on end to make sure he could pay the bills and buy her as many luxury items as he could. One day he bought her a watch as a gift as best he could afford.Instead of thanking him for it, she said it's crap compared to what her friend has. This man then divorced her because he realised he just could not live this life of misery and he wasn't miserable because he was poor, he clearly stated he was miserable because of his wife. He went on to marry again and live a happy life, still does. His former wife has had 2 divorces since. Moral of the story, don't worry about money, no matter how much you have, if you find a decent woman, she will be happy with whatever you have.

  7. Salaams brother

    What John written is a perfect example what is happening now and people do pay and still never learn. You brother must not be influence to change you in anyway. Keep your imaan strong and faith in Allah brother every single one of us have a path we must follow and obey as true muslims. I am sure there are a lot of us and people who know how you must be feeling and are feeling but inshallah your prayers will be answered just don’t lose hope too quickly. My mother always teaches me to be positive and in the outlook of life this is what you should aim for is to make yourself happy and believe in yourself. Inshallah I hope this has helped you too that you are worth more then this and you must never lose your self respect and worth at any cost.

    w/salaams

  8. Also what everyone else has written is perfect advise

  9. Assalaamu alaikum brother.

    I am sorry to hear of how others treat you and the way it makes you feel - it is completely understandable. I agree with all the excellent advice (MashaAllah) offered above. I want to take a different approach. Firstly, please brother be careful with generalisations. They can be pretty dangerous.

    It is not true that all Muslim women will only marry the alpha male or that all non-believers are taking this fornicating lifestyle or even that everyone is judged only on wealth and social status. Yes these are very common, but there are always exceptions and its important to know this. Growing up I knew both Muslims and non-Muslims, I avoided socialising with those in bad - and unusually I found the non-Muslims to be the more modest and well behaved. Likewise, I met seemingly good people who were Muslim and seemingly bad. Allah knows whats in our hearts. Your experience of the people you know may be such, but do not tar all with the same brush. If you choose to dislike the individual(S) then I understand. Saying that I do understand your frustration.

    What I am trying to say is: it is better to be mocked, and feel this way and have deen and be siratul mustaqeem then to be on the path they are taking. MUCH MUCH better.

    So I say leave them to their lifestyle and let them mock and enjoy their time here. It is all transient. Remember that the Prophet SAW was subjected to mockery and worse and remember that we will be tested but it will be worth it in the end InshaAllah 🙂 Try to let go of your anger - pity them an work towards true happiness. These wordly things do not bring you happiness - just misery.

    Also do not despise the fact that you are a virgin - its a gift. Your antisocial skills with women is a good thing if it is keeping you from zina. If you avoid sin for Allahs sake, then Allah will give you Barakah when you marry InshaAllah. Take the steps to begin your search for marriage InshaAllah.

    Also stay away from porn - it will only fuel your desire
    The general advice is :
    .Whenever you feel desire seek refuge with Allah, remember He is watching you. Repent
    .Imagine if you die whilst committing that sin - we are raised up doing what we were doing before death
    .Read the quotation below when you feel to commit any sin. Recognise the process?
    .Dont give up if you relapse - make the sincere intention and try again.

    "The whispering of the devil is the starting point of all evil deeds. It begins as a whisper and turns into an evil thought. Then the devil pictures the thought in your mind and turns it into a desire, which later becomes a will. He then makes you forget all the consequences and belittles the outcome of the sin until you see nothing but the fulfillment of your lust. It is at this stage that devil dispatches his soldiers to urge you to achieve your desires whenever you show any negligence."
    Ibn Qayyim- Tafsir Surah Nas

    I pray that Allah swt helps you find the best spouse and gives you happiness in this world and the next!
    Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Sister Sara
      The points you have made are 100% so true and mas'allah I totally agree with everything you have written. w/salaams

  10. Bismillah al rahman al raheem.

    Dear Brother (you are truly a Mujahid),

    I know exactly what you are going through, I have been in your shoes. I do not exactly know how old you are but I am guessing in your early 20s.......Anyways, I am going to give you some practical tips to turn your life around....and trust me when I tell you, they are life changing.

    Before I start.....you have come very far to start off with.....you have not committed Zina in this very difficult time in your life and the environment you are living in....you may not know or feel it, but this is an incredible achievement on its own merit.

    If you want to become stronger and more successful...in what ever aspect of your life right now...especially in Money/Job and Marriage (which are 2 very essential and hugely important things to any successful Muslim).......You are going to have to seek more KNOWLEDGE in your Faith, Islam......you literally have to start reading the Quran seriously, do your Salah and make Dua like a hopeless slave of Allah....you have to get closer to Allah.

    You are now in a state of "Limbo".....Not a Kafir doing zina and not completely a Muslim (strong and confident in his Deen).......I know this feeling of Limbo, because I have lived it for many years.

    You see....getting more knowledge in Islam and Quran.....means you know which Dua to make if you want money, if you need a job, if you want to get married.....how to have that sense of cool and patience in these very hard times you are living in.

    God is now testing you!!!! He wants to see which side are you going to pick.....are you gonna commit to Him or are you gonna become one of those people (kaafir, fornicators...etc) you don't want to be.

    Brother this is the biggest test in your life right now!!!......I guaranty if you pass this test you are going to be the most fulfilled and strongest person you can ever imagine yourself to be.

    Commit to Allah right now.....start first with your Salah, read the Quran as much as you can....Make Dua with all your heart, cry and beg if you have to........The Shaitan is trying to keep you depressed and low-self esteem so you can not get closer to Allah.....You have to fight him now using these tools I mentioned above.

    If you use these tools that Allah Himself prescribed to all of us Muslims (the lonely, the poor, the oppressed, the ill and dying) this is what will happen to you:

    1. You will first feel a relief in your heart....this is due to the Dua, crying and praying and begging to Allah...its like having a best friend who is always with you.....Bro, let Allah become your best friend....deep down inside you know he is looking at you...if you didn't feel this you would have become a Kaafir long time ago, like the ones you mentioned.....Did you know that Allah knows about every rain drop that falls on this planet....Literally every drop that falls from the sky, Allah knows about it....So how can he not know how you feel, how depressed you are, how you are struggling, how frustrated you are......He knows Bro, he knows....but he is testing you....there is no doubt this is a Test.

    2. You will start gaining a sense of patience you never had before.....It means you can actually go through a couple of days without feeling totally depressed.

    3. The patience will lead to hope......the problem with depression and low self-esteem is that you also have no hope for the future.....When you get closer to Allah the patience you will start getting, will lead to a very dim light at the end of a dark tunnel....you can almost feel the light. Some-days the hope is little, and sometimes it is stronger...don't worry.....continue getting closer to Allah.

    4. Patience and Hope.....will start becoming rewarded....Look at it as a business deal.....Allah says in other words....if you have patience and hope (by the way these 2 things are essential for the believing Muslim) Allah will literally start opening doors for you.....The doors that will open can be possibly money, a job, good muslim friends that you meet by complete accident...they might lead to new families and friends...that lead to pious Sisters....one of them that might want to marry you.

    5. These doors that Allah will inshallah open for you because you have more patience and HOPE....will raise your self-esteem once again.....you will have a higher purpose in life with goals.....but keep in mind the ULTIMATE GOAL.....is to PLEASE ALLAH....in doing so you will be rewarded with the other goals (job & marriage).

    Do not expect to open the Quran and have immediately high self-esteem and no more depression after a few pages....Allah wants you to be patient, He wants you to PERSEVERE, this is part of the Test.....You see this Test that you are going through is actually in your own benefit (but you don't even know it)....you are gonna come out of it a strong Muslim man with clear goals in your life, with a strong will inshallah....The fact that you do not want to become like these other people you mentioned is a clear sign of what you actually want to become.....so start becoming it....surrender to Allah, stop the Limbo.

    Bro, I started this comment with "Knowledge" (if you scroll back up)...Do you know why? Because every thing I have typed out for you is based on Knowledge that I got by reading and going deeper in Islam....I didn't always have this knowledge....I had to go through what you went through a few years back. Look bro, if you have nothing to do these coming weeks, months (or even if you are busy)....start reading Quran, Sunna, why did Allah create you a Muslim, why you are struggling....start reading, open your eyes, start begging Allah to help you, increase your prayers.....Its hard to start.....I know, but once you do.....Allah will start Guiding without you even knowing it.......Maybe the fact that you have posted this message, is one of the starting blocks that will guide you to a happier life...

    I am praying for you and millions of Muslims in the west and in Islamic countries that are going through exactly what you are going through.....By the way don't forget, there are Muslim Sister that are going through exactly the same issue that you are going through (some are feeling all Muslim guys sleep with women and want to only marry a virgin afterwards, or are shallow, money hungry etc).

    If you want someone to talk to email me at

  11. Hello-

    I am not a Muslim and live in a Western country, but felt compelled to answer. First off, I want to thank the moderators that run this website for your compassion towards your fellow humans and insightful answers the majority of time. However, in this case, I believe this young gentleman also needs an answer from a Kaffir. Not all Kaffirs are as you describe. Yes, Western societies tend to be more free sexually, but I happen to know plenty of Christians that did not have sex before marriage and I personally know virgins in their 30's because they have not gotten married. You cannot judge an entire culture based on your limited experiences. Hollywood does much to show a wrong side of what really is I think. Secondly, I dated a Muslim for two years who was not born here, so I am aware of certain societies and restrictions that are placed. Being a Christian myself, I have found much in common between our religions. We ALL struggle with the same things in life. This isn't about Kaffir and Muslim, what you described above is a human condition. I see the same things go on with Muslims, sexual freedom, marrying for wealth amongst families, and putting emphasis on things that do not matter because they are the exterior, not the interior. Please do not blame Kaffirs for what is essentially an issue for all human beings. Pray to God (Allah) to restore your spirituality and guide you with wisdom that your pain and frustration do not overtake you. Keeping a healthy spiritual life will guide you to inner peace and all you described above will not matter anymore. Thank you for allowing me to give some advice as a non-Muslim.

    • "You cannot judge an entire culture based on your limited experiences."
      I must say I agree with that entirely, it is all too common these days to make generalisations. So it is nice to hear others thoughts.
      Thank you for your nice response

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Brother:

    May God keep your Iman Strong. Keep That Virginity because you can't imagine how valuable is for a woman that has moral values. I hope you find a good wife soon. I never ask for wealth and God knows it. Since I was 17 years old I used to ask God to give me a Virgin man when I get married. It never happen ::::( I got a wealthy one who showered me with luxury so I can stay quite and he can cheat on me. So I left him in less than a year. Then After my divorce I asked God again. "Please give me man with good moral values and knows the meaning of haraam" The I get married after five years because I thought I found the Right guy who told me "pre-marital sex is haraam" I said Finally Im lucky! And i had doctors proposing, engineers, and so on. But i wanted one with Good moral values and is scared of God! I didn't ask for wealth! But Im thankful again. After I got married i fell sick and Got an STD from my husband who knows the meaning of "Haraam" and showers me with luxury cars. I feel like im the looser... I asked God why you give me luxury? when All I ever wanted was a Man with good moral values? God knows what Im saying its true! but thank God for everything.

    So believe me with all my heart That I cherish your Virginity and your Iman more than you can Value it!

  13. Sister Caring

    Im sorry about the bad time that you had with the first Husband. But Im glad you got a virgin good man after. 🙂 Mashallah. I Wasn't destined to get a Virgin man as a husband. But maybe In Janna I will Get a pure man and a Nice garden 🙂

  14. Assalamu alaykum brother,

    OPEN YOUR EYES AND READ STOP ACTING LIKE IN THIS WAY, AS IF YOU ARE MOCKED AT BY EVERY PERSON PASSING BY YOU.

    DO YOU KNOW WHAT MOCKING IS?

    The Prophet was mocked at and the sahabas we mocked at and what for? For being virgin? No. For saying " Our Lord is Allah". For proclaiming the message of Islam. And what was the mocking of the disbelievers like?

    Throwing filth on them, trying to harm them, verbal and physical efforts to abuse them. That was mocking. When they wanted water, they were not allowed to use wells, that was mocking. When they were forced to go out of Makkah and all access to food and trade was denied and every effort was made to make sure that they died in hunger - that was mocking.

    STOP THIS IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR FOR ALLAH'S SAKE AND REFLECT.

    NONE BUT ALL CAN HELP YOU. NONE OF OUR ADVICES WILL GO IN YOUR HEAD UNLESS YOU HAVE A WILL TO CHANGE AND YOU MAKE THAT WILL IN TO ACTIONS AND YOU WILL NOT UNLESS ALLAH WILLS. SO SEEK ONLY HIS HELP AND TURN TO HIM NOW. RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE INTERNET, TV, ENTERTAINMENT AND TURN IN TOTAL ADMIRATION TO ALLAH AND READ THE QUR'AN AND START PRACTICING IT IN YOUR LIFE.

    ENOUGH OF WORDS. NOW TIME TO ACT.

    If Allah sees any good in you, He will guide you, if He wills, if you keep straight, but do not stray after He shows you the way.

    23. Had Allah Known of any good in them He would have made them hear, but had He made them hear they would have turned away, averse.
    24. O ye who believe; Obey Allah, and the messenger when He calleth you to that which quickeneth you, and know that Allah cometh in between the man and his own heart, and that He it is unto Whom ye will be gathered.
    25. And guard yourselves against a chastisement which cannot fall exclusively on those of you who are wrong doers, and know that Allah is severe in punishment. - Surah Anfal

    Fear Allah. Fear Qiyamat. Fear a day when you will be shown all your deeds. A day when you will call to your mind all that you did and all that you could not do.

    Allah says in Surah Al Muddathir:

    48. The mediation of no mediators will. avail them then.
    49. Why now turn they away from the Admonishment
    50. As they were frightened asses
    51. Fleeing from a lion?
    52. Nay, but everyone of them desireth that he should be given open pages (from Allah).
    53. Nay, verily. They fear not the Hereafter.
    54. Nay, verily. Lo! this is an Admonishment.
    55. So whosoever will may heed.
    56. And they will not heed unless Allah willeth (it). He is the fount of fear. He is the fount of Mercy.

    So turn to Allah before death comes and you have no further time to repent or to do good.

    We pray for you and ask Allah to make you responsible towards your own aakhirah.

  15. For financial problems a lot of people suggest reading Sura Waqiah every night, I think it is from hadith, also someone sent me this link for financial problems
    http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/84030/debts

    Some also recommend reciting sura Talaq vs 2-3 several times a day

  16. Same here, I wanted a virgin husband, and my first husband lied to me about many things. He was an arab refugee, and I did not know. He lied to me about his virginity and I find out in the marriage, he has been up to all sorts in his jahiliyya, and the worst thing was he would laugh about it and found it entertaining, while I was brought to tears. My dreams were ruined. The marriage didnt work out as
    he believed pornography was allowed and I got scared living with him as I thought what will he do next?

    So we ended it and now I am married to a husband who was a virgin and he never makes nasty comments that I used to get with the first as the first had experience with other women and dig at me.

    So brother, please...........................stay away from porn filth. U will go mentally addicted to this filth and u will no longer be in a state of marriage. May Allah help u to strengthen ur iman, fast inshaallah and gain knowlege for the sake of Allah. Try to please ALlah and not the society.

    Remember that the hoor are waiting for u in Jannah inshaallah.

    Caring sister

  17. It is obvious that you are hurting inside and falling into the trap of resentment and depression. It can be difficult to get out of such situation without a supporting family but you have to stay strong.

    1. Take control: Its your life and you have to take control of it. Its your actions that counts and you have to start accepting responsibility for your actions. Part of growing up is deciding what is important and necessary like your education, your social development, and your interest in things around you. Take up a hobby, read a book that interests you, volunteer for a cause you truly believe in. A man's legacy is his community so get involved with your community. And try to set short-term goals and take it one day at a time.

    2. Time vs Money: Most young people make the mistake of thinking money solves all problem. It doesn't, else, where is the cure for cancer? You have to realize that only thing limited is your time on this planet, make the best out of it. You don't need money or flashy cars or a woman to be good at something. Read, Dr. Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He talks in depth about motivation and how to effectively get things done. And use your limited time as best as you can.

    3. Self-esteem and sexuality: Self-esteem is your self-worth, and your self-worth is determined by your skills and what you do, not by how promiscuous your are. Else why do political careers end with allegations of promiscuity? Because it is not a positive example despite what promiscuous people say.

    Now you have to interact with people, go out, you are young and vibrant. If you find it difficult to make friends than volunteer and get involved in your community. Start a youth program with your mosque to reach out to kids in despair and facing the same problems as you. You have to take action and start living because life will pass you by very quickly.

    And you don't need money to have a good time, best things in life are free 🙂

    p.s. You may think you are alone but you are not. There are so many people out there like you and who would admire you but you have to reach out to them. Me and my husband were chaste and I admired him for that. He was also an international student who worked long hours to get through university. He refused to accept help from his parents, instead he used to send money back to support his sister. He graduated with a double degree and now runs his own successful business. And he has never owned a car and refused to buy one for environmental reason. He isn't the only one. My professors at university used bicycles to get to work everyday, even in -30! Sweetheart, you have to find your center of gravity, what makes you tick, your motivation cycle. I wish you the best of luck in life and love.

  18. All i want to say how much affection and faith you have brother about deen. If you have firm faith, you will get wife who will be good in deen and source of comfort. Do something make yourself able to at least support a family. no blaming others.. i am sure there are plenty of sisters they are not after money. just look for good muslim.

    Salam...

  19. Salam sexuallyrepressedmujahideen and all

    I know what your going trough because my brothers that are 26,27,29 can't get married because of financial problems. Also its not just a Muslim girl that looks for money its Arab Muslim girls in my opinion. I am a proud Arab Muslim girl and I married a man that wasn't the richest and still today we struggle with our bills,etc. But we love each other. Anyways I cry almost everyday because when my brothers do ask for girls they say NO. I feel so sorry for my brothers. I'm only 22 years old but I would love for one day to see my older brothers get married. Someone told you on a comment to see if your mother or sister know good girls...girls want MONEY and that's it. I wish for you and me brothers to marry good Halal girls Insha'Allah. Stay strong brother. Its not just a western thing, all around is the same these days. We live in America so its not just Canada. How old are you anyways, if your still young don't stress yourself out a lot. Masturbating is haram try not to, try your hardest. 🙂 Insh'Allah your reply to us saying your engaged

    • My advice to you is very practical, be patient and very very patient, some how find a way to finish your degree and then ask your mother to find a suitable girl for you to get married, till then just survive and time pass, not only will you finish your university degree and some how end up getting a job but you will also get married.

      For your sexual frustration just masterbate and keep fast on weekends when there is nothing to do, pray to allah for your sins cause this is not your fault that the community is not helping you still you must make tauba, its the responsibility of your parents actually to have pity on your soul and get you married as soon as possible why did you come to age of 30 this is surely end of times just live with this fact bro have fun.

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  21. Expand your heart. Stop hating and envying. Most people become what they become through circumstances, not conscious effort. You're getting a chance to make conscious effort to seek happiness. Try your utmost to be strong yet loving and accepting. Not a simple recipe given that you are a pious 'kuffar' hating muslim ... but that's what will give you peace... and most likely your Allah's blessings.

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