Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tired of life… I feel like giving up.

pain hurt

As salamualaikum brothers and sisters.

I am really depressed and tired and hope you will go through this story of mine to understand and try to help me to come out of my misery.

My story starts from the time I was a little girl. My father was always short tempered and used to get offended n irritated at the slightest mistake. He even used to dig past instances n used to ramble, curse n used to abuse my mom n brothers verbally. Everyday when he came home from work the atmoshpere at home would turn gloomy. He used to beat my brothers black n blue almost everyday, mostly my eldest brother. But still I was close to him being the only daughter. I was close to to him only till the age of 7-8 but as I started growing I drew away from him becoz of his behaviour. My mother on the other hand was very calm n warm hearted. I was the closest to my mom .She passed away when I was 15. She was diagnosed with cancer and was ill for 6 months before leaving us.

During my life with my mom, I remember her not being well. She would have sudden outbursts of laughter or she would just start crying without any reason. When asked why would she do that, she never gave a reply or just used to say nothing. She was also on pills recommended from a psychiatrist and her brother who was a doctor. My maternal n paternal side of the family used to call her mentally sick n I would cry for hours becoz of their behaviour towards her but I always knew that there was something more that made my mom behave in a way no one understood. I remember my granny telling me that my mom had been affected by black magic along with my uncle n even before that, my mom had been possessed as a teenager and since then her health was not good. My mother wasn't educated much since she was a neglected child.

During my school days I was a really bright child, very diligent. But I was always the ugly one in my class n family, where everyone compared me with the looks of others. I grew up always feeling insecure about myself. But looking at my past makes me want to throw up all the time. When I was 6-7, I was sexually abused by my own brother. I never knew at that time why he would do that and never understood if it was right or wrong. But as years started to pass, I started hating him n never wanted to be with him for what he did to me as a child. I was very disturbed growing up n used to cry every night and I was always afraid of him, to go near him or even to talk to him. I never shared this with my mom n nobody asked me why I distanced myself from him. But now he is happily married and I feel as if he doesn't remember a thing about it. We talk sometimes but he mostly lives as if he doesn't have a sister.

During my teenage years after my mom passed away. my father started to have an affair with our maid. He also used to talk to other females online about the most vulgar stuff. I found about this after I hacked his email id. My brothers also knew about this but we were very scared of him. So never took an action against him. But we still managed to gather our guts n informed it to our elders but they said thats how men are- and since my mom also passed away, he must had been feeling lonely and also told me that at least he is not bringing us a step-mother coz that would be much worse. I also got the shock of my life when I caught him red handed with the maid but he came n scolded me saying not to create a nuisance. My anger converted into hatred n I would curse myself for being born in such a family. My brothers still blame me for having ruined their life for not taking the right action at that time. But what was I supposed to do. I was alone n young n was scared.

During my graduation days I met a school friend online. We instanstly got attracted since his mom was my primary school teacher. He proposed to me n I said I will wait for him to get settled. Its been 4 years now since I am waiting for him to get married. We also had a physical relationship where I forgot who I was but somehow got back myself n did istighfar n cried a lot of nights to Allah subhanawa Ta'ala. But after sometime, I found myself going back in the same direction. I loved him with all my heart n maybe this was the reason I forgave him time n time again. His family was never ready to accept me. They came to meet my family n instantly rejected me saying I am not fair complexioned n my height doesn't meet their requirements. His uncle also went on to the extent and told that guy that I might not satisfy him n give him healthy kids since I came off as a weak n skinny person.

But he said he will try his level best and it's been 2 years since that rejection. His family agreed to get him married to me. But they go back on their words after some months of gap and finally when I thought that situations have calmed a bit, he is leaving this country for further education. He said he will do a simple nikah n leave me here, his family isnt agreeing to this whereas my family wants me to go along with him n study or do a part time job there. But I dont think he is doing enough for us.

I feel helpless at my situation. I want to marry him, coz I don't deserve to marry someone else. I feel wretched from my sins. I feel I am a burden to myself. If I cannot marry him then I shouldn't deserve to spoil anyone else's life. Also there always be a trust issue with me. I cant trust him, nor can he trust me with his life, since I already led a spoiled past. Everyone deserves someone who has never been before with anyone, specially not with a girl like me.


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5 Responses »

  1. As-salamu `alaykum

    All Praise is due to Allah; we begin with His name and
    turn to Him in all of the tests He puts forward to
    strengthen us. May He shower peace and blessings
    upon Muhammad, the Seal of the Prophets, his family,
    companions, and those who follow his way until the Day
    of Judgment. May Allah, the most Kind, most Merciful
    bestow upon you His peace and tranquility and replace
    your sadness and frustration with tawakkul (putting
    one’s trust in Allah), yaqeen (certainty) and sakina
    (divine tranquility).

    First, my dear sister, let me assure you that Allah Most
    High is All-Hearing. He hears the calls of all His
    servants. Allah assures us of this and tells us that He
    hears the du`aa' (supplication) of the supplicant. Allah
    also tells us that if we come to Him walking, He will
    come to us running.

    Never ever despair in your du`aa' to Him, even if you do
    not see your du`aa's being answered. Always remember
    that Allah is as we expect of Him. By this we mean that if
    we make du`aa' and expect that Allah will answer it, then
    Allah will answer our du`aa' .

    But if we make du`aa' and we expect that Allah will not answer it, or we are uncertain, thinking He may or may not answer it, then
    our du`aa's may not be answered. This is why when we
    make du`aa', we do not say, “Oh Allah, grant me so and
    so in sha’ Allah. ” We must always be definite in our
    du`aa's .

    We do not ask Allah for something and then say
    “if you will” because Allah will only answer it if He wills
    anyway. The other thing that we need to keep in mind is
    the nature of du`aa' that they may be answered in three
    1. It may be answered right away or at a time decreed by
    2. Allah may not answer that specific du`aa' but in its
    place avert some kind of calamity or disaster befalling
    3.Allah may reserve that du`aa' for us and give it to us
    in the Hereafter
    So ,although a person may not see their du`aa's being
    answered immediately, know that Allah may have
    answered it in other ways by protecting us or reserving
    it to be answered in the Hereafter, when we will be even
    more grateful for it being answered.

    (i just copy and paste the answer;-) )

    • The problem with your response is that most people will read it at most once and after that, they never will since it is copy and pasted.

  2. If he wants to do a simple nikkah and your father and brothers agree (depending on who is your wali) then there is no problem. His parents do not have to give him permission. Tell him you want to do the nikkah before he goes. Now the real question is, do you want to go live with him abroad like your family suggests? If yes, then talk to him about arranging a visa for you as well.

    But before all this you must think about how you really feel about this guy. Do you want to marry him? Because you say that he isn't doing enough and it seems like you want to marry him mostly out of guilt. If that's true, then let me tell you that marriage to this man does not absolve you of the sin of zina or somehow make it better - only repentance to Allah can do that. So you do not have to marry him, if that's what you think. If you do genuinely want to marry him but are frustrated by his attitudes or behaviors, then you should talk to him about those issues.

  3. You have two realistic options here.

    1. Do the nikah/marriage without his family, and accompany him abroad. This way (if he marries you and ALSO takes you with him) you will be sure he really loves you and wants you because he is going all out against his family to marry you.

    2. If he doesn't marry you and goes abroad, then cut contact with him totally, and rest your situation on Allah. Because if he leaves you without marrying you, or doing just nikah and leaving you, then rest assured, he will forget about you. He will probably start his life with a girl there. Or even worse, he will keep you in hopes, while cheating on you abroad, living his life happily.

    • As far as both your sins are concerned, remember that no matter how big your sins are, Allah's mercy is bigger than all the sins of the whole mankind combined. Allah loves to forgive His servants, who are truly regretful 🙂

      And seeing what you have been through.. rest assured Allah has the BEST THINGS stored for your future, as He has been testing you since childhood. So do not lose hope. A Muslim can not lose hope and faith. Everyone who has wronged you is in the Hands of Allah. And Allah is with You 🙂 .. Those people should be worried, not you <3

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