Tired of this marriage, I feel like my world is falling apart
So, I'm back again and as always, it's about my husband. His behavior and expectations of me are ridiculous. He has been in this country for a little over a year and still expects me to drive him to work every day and if I refuse (because it isn't my responsibility to drive him every day to work), he starts disrespecting me and saying that I will end up in the streets and I am 32 years old (I'm actually 30) and my life is a waste and that he will tell all his relatives against me. I'm so tired of his disrespectful self. I told him that this isn't his house (we are living in my parents' house), and that I would kick him out of this house if dares talk to me like that again. Then I told him that it isn't my responsibility to drive him to work and pick him up from work every single day.
He then went on and said he isn't going to stay with me for long and I told him "good, I haven't been happy with you from the beginning." He's always fighting with me and treating me like his servant and then my mom yells at me and says, "what kind of wife are you that you haven't given him a ride and if you want to keep your marriage you have to do everything he says because then he will walk away from you." Is this what marriage is about? My mom's backward thinking is that "jaanat lies at the husband's feet." The wife has to always submit to the husband, regardless if he is right or wrong. Is this what Islam says? I can't take this anymore because I am getting my mom always supporting him, even if he says disrespectful things to me, and because she supports him always, he thinks he can get away with it and say whatever he wants to say to me.
I really think he is a loser and there's no way he would be able to support kids if I had them with him. He is really a weak, pathetic husband and I don't think he could support a family. I wish I never married him, but it looks like I'm stuck with a miserable life with him and I have to deal with my mom always yelling at me and supporting him always and then he gets away with what he does. My mom's thinking is so backwards and she is so unsupportive of me in all of this. I don't know what to do. I should have married someone who is educated and smart and can stand on their own two feet and someone who understands what marriage really is. I wish I never married in my parents' country, because their thinking is backwards, but I was afraid to marry an American man because most of them have dated and done things before marriage. What should I do?
I feel like my world is falling apart.
Islamicgirl28.
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Sis be awear of shytan 1st as he is the cause of all the evil. Ok now u both need to understand both of u are wrong. Both of u should work together and love each other should not fight with each other SubhanALLAH, my deal mother aishaya and my dear beloved Nabi swa look at them, how they lived togather with out a a compailent to each other. Although aishaya ra was younger wife of my dear Nabi Muhammad swa. Both of u need to sit and learn Islam togather so u can have peaceful life by obey ALLAH. Sister marriage is not a game as they thing today. ALLAH hate divorce so shouldn't we avoid something that ALLAH the most mercyful Most kind the Almighty do not like us to do. U need to talk with him and work it out. Sit with and say ok look we are married to eat other and it's very important us to live togather. As ALLAH hate divorce so we should be avoiding that which ALLAH dislike. Talk to Him we should learn about Islam as ALLAH the Almighty crated us He know us better then we do. So He has given us guidence to how to live in this world so we can have peaceful life.
U know our people are so stupid hell that's from Hindus those dummy say that n now our dummy's says the same but it's not from Islam it's not something ALLAH said. But ALLAH did say He Almghty crated our wife our body I think He said from back or shoder. So hurting a wife is like hurting our own self. So we should love them and be nice to them but all of have to obay ALLAH so have nice and happy life.
I hope ALLAH guide both of u and all of us AMIN!!!
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
AS YOU HAVE TOLD THAT THE IRRESPONSIBLITY HE IS SHOWING IN THIS PERIOD HE STAYED WITH YOU AND IF YOU KEEP ALLAH AS THE WITNESS AND THAT YOU HAVE TOLD IS THE TRUTH THEN ISLAM IS THERE FOR YOU AS IT NEVER TOLERATES OPPRESSION-
TELL YR MOM SHE DOES NIOT KNOW ISLAM BECASUE A MUSLIM MUST SURRENDER TO ALLAH NOT TO A HUSBAND........
POSITION OF KHULLAH IN ISLAM.......
WHAT IS KHULA?
IF A WOMAN DOES NOT LIKE HER HUSBAND OR THINK THEY CANNOT LIVE IN HARMONY,SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO GET SEPERATION [KHULLAH] BY PAYING BACK HER MEHER & GIFTS GIVEN TO HER AND GET HERSELF FREE FROM THE BOND OF MARRIAGE.IT IT IS BETTER THAT WHATEVER THE HUSBAND HAS GIVEN TO HER HE SHOULD NOT TAKE BACK MORE THAN THAT ALLAH HAS SAID THAT IF YOU CANNOT LIVE IN HARMONY,BETTER YOU SHOULD GET SEPARATED BY TAKING BACK THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO YOUR WIFE[AL-BAQARA-229]
WIFE OF SABIT BIN KHAIS CAME TO THE PROPHET[PBUH]AND SAID YA RASOOL ALLAH I FIND NO FAULT IN CHARACTER AND BEHAVIOUR OF MY HUSBAND,BUT I DONT LIKE HIM THEN THE PROPHET[PBUH]ASKED HER THAT WHAT SABITH HAS GIVEN TO YOU?
SHE SAID A GARDEN THEN THE PROPHET ASKED ARE YOU WILLING TO RETURN THE GARDEN SHE SAID "YES
A WIFE SHOULD NOT TAKE DECISION ALONE AND ASK HER HUSBAND FOR TALAQ SUCH AN ACT IS HARAM. IF THE TREATMENT OF THE HUSBAND IN ON THE LINES OF ISLAM EVEN THOUGH HER HUSBAND HAS GIVEN HER ALL THE FECILITIES A HOUSE AND EXPENCES LOVE AND CARE AND DID NOT HARASS HER ,THEN THE QUESTION OF SEPERATION SHOULD NOT ARISE [SUNNAH ABU DAWOOD 2226]
IN SUCH CASES THE WIFE DEMANDS TALAQ FROM HER HUSBAND THOUGHT HUSBAND HAS NIT HARASSED HER,ON THAT CASE THE PERFUME OF HEAVEN IS HARAM FOR THE WIFE....
Women’s Order of Priority in the Desirable Qualities of an Ideal Muslim Husband
Points
1st. A Pious Muslim
2nd. Truthfulness and honesty
3rd A good leader
4th Justice and fairness
5th Love of children
6th Kindness and consideration
7th Readiness to consult his wife
8th Good manners
9th Chastity and good morals
10th Trustworthiness and reliability
11th Avoids quarrelling and beating
12th Clean habits
13th Strength of mind and will
14th Gentleness
15th Generosity
16th A loving nature
17th Ability to be contented with one wife
18th Sense of humour
19th Reasonableness
20th Firmness
21st Intelligence
22nd Seriousness
23rd Good looks
24th Physical strength
25th Wealth
Salamunalaikum
What's so backwards about driving your husband to work? Does he have a license? a car? Is driving him to work affecting you in an adverse way (Financially or Medically?)
It is a blessing from Allah swt that you are able to help your husband - my wife cant drive (doesnt have a license) I do every petty thing that she asks me to do. She used to drive but is unable to now as she doesnt have a license. So what if I have to spend some energy to help her? why is it even a question or issue with you?
Take some time and reflect on your own question. Insha Allah you will be able to work out where you can improve yourself to improve the whole situation.
I dont know what u mean by weak but i was quite underweight when i got married - my wife encouraged me very very very nicely I started working out and am Alhamdulillah very fit now and now she is enjoying the results of her hard work and patience.
Everything has a solution insha Allah. Seek Allah swt's guidance and help. Also seek shelter from whispers of Shaitaan the deciever. MOST importantly if you want respect you need to earn it by giving it.
Regards,
Saqib
FIRST, id try counselling..sitting down with him and really discussing wife/husband responsiblities. Look sometimes when you marry from overseas, it is possible your views are really different about what each spouse should do for the other so this needs to be discussed and maybe even NEGOTIATED if you both want to continue.
If after trying this option, you come to a dead end, if i were you, i would totally consider khula. You don't have kids and jannat does not lie under the feet of a husband.
Islam does not ask women to live a life of suffering. Islamically there is nothing wrong with you going out and finding another more COMPATIBLE spouse AFTER you've exhuasted all means to make this marriage work.
Right now, most likely because both of you are pissed, every little thinking is a big issue. So get to the bottom of this. What is the real cause and how can that be fixed
. this issue isn't about who is driving who to work. In a normal marriage,where there is love and respect, if a wife has to drive her husband to work. its not an issue. BUT if he isn't even supporting you, then yeh little things will become mountains..so bottom line..
get to the heart of the matter. what do you both expect from eachother. get it in writing. go to a counselor.
and if i were you, i would hold off on having kids until this matter is resolved.
If you already know your mom's thinking, then don't let this affect you. Your mom likely comes from an era, where whoever you were married to, you just served them day and night despite any disrespect or lack of rights or anything. islam doesn't demand this but culture did.
Allah knows best.
Also...if everything between you two is being shared with your mom/parents, THAT IS A HUGE ISSUE.
ANY INTERFERENCE NEEDS TO STOP. Trust is really important or you can go nowhere.
So all this rant just because your husband is asking you(the OP) to drive him to work ??....Seriously......
Don't you think that the OP is behaving a bit immature ?
im so sorry for whats going. i been there and im still here and its not a good feeling. i wish i could give you advice but i don't know what to say. all i know just have faith in Allah and i pray that things get better
For heaven's sake, divorce the man. A man needs someone who will respect him, love him, and treat him with kindness, not someone who thinks he is a weak, pathetic loser. Of course you'll never have a happy marriage if that's how you think of him.
You are not "stuck" with anything. We are Muslims, not Catholics (Catholics do not allow divorce). If you hate him so much, ask for a divorce and move on.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister if the situation was reverse how would you feel. My sister if the only complaint you have about him is driving him to work then you are wrong. Dear sister be glad he has a job and supports you, someone women have a man that doesn't work and they have to work outside and do the house work. Please understand marriage is not something that everything is handed to you nice and easily. Successful marriage requires hard work and patience. I ask Allah to improve your marriage, sister you need to work on your marriage. Be patient and it will be worth it.
Is sad how you are talking I know he could be wrong and so many levels but you making a big deal out of it by saying I have to drive him
To work everyday. Is really sad I mean does he drive or is he learning to drive? If not then teach the poor man to drive so u won't have to drive him. No matter what in Islam man"s will always be the bigger person right or wrong because there mans.. Pray to Allah to get you guys close to each other and insallah everything work out.
" I told him that this isn't his house (we are living in my parents' house), and that I would kick him out of this house if dares talk to me like that again." Omg I don't believe sister you used this sentence towards your husband I would advice you to ask forgiveness to Allah you don't know Allah will be so angry with you and you won't have blessing in your marriage. I read all your stories but in this Story I think you are being aggressive this is not how good wife should behave with her husband. Maybe Haven it's not under husband feet but you don't know know when you will die and if you die before your husband and if he is satisfy with you then you will enter paradise it's in hadit. And also a good muislim wife should obey her husband if he is not doing or telling any bad things. Lastly you know women will go to hell more more then man why? The first reason will be because wife didn't obey her husband she was not great full to him.
I think you both need marriage counseling. Please do not break your marriage. Marriage is so beautiful and it's gift from Allah and its us have to maintain it and unfortunately once it broken you can't put your life as smooth like before.
Driving your husband to work is not an issue. You are lucky you are not living with your inlaws. If you had been life would have been torture. Imagine if you were with your inlaws. Wouldn't you take time to adjust with the new family and in his home country? try to understand that he is in a new country, he's from a completely different set up. And plus he is living in your parent's house which is not normal back home. Aren't you giving him a hard time adjusting to the new place?may be this is the reason he is disrespecting you. Seriously, you are making an issue out of nothing.!
If the two of you are unhappy in this marriage, and have been unsuccessful in trying to reconcile your differences, divorce is permissible in Islam. You both seem to have been unhappy for some time, and when reading your posts I don't get a sense of love or respect for each other.
Have you spoken with him about how he is feeling? He moved to a different country for marriage, where he has had to adjust to a new way of life, and has found himself in an unhappy relationship. As previous posters have commented, counselling might be helpful in order to discuss your relationship and if you both wish to work to remain in it.
If you do not wish to be married to this man, you are not forced to be with him. While your parents may be unhappy, it is ultimately the two of you, not them, who need to decide where to go from here.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam.
I read all of her previous posts. This sister has mental problems, a lot of insecurities, she is emotionally unstable, extremely sensitive to the world around her ... she blames everyone else for her problems and it seems never ending cycle… she expects an immediate gratitude from her family members if she does something good for them…
This is what she said about her mother in post from June 10, 2012:
“ ….First of all, my main source of depression is really my mother. I love her so much but when she doesn't see my potential or even acknowledge all the things I have done for her, it hurts me deeply and in fact, does affect me….”
She won’t teach her husband how to drive because she is afraid he won’t be grateful to her. This is what she said about her husband in her post from July 26, 2012: “ ….He is the most ungrateful person in the world and never appreciates all the things I did for him. Without me, he wouldn't be able to do anything since he is a very worried person and scared all the time about everything. I just think he is completely weak and useless…..
….Whenever I help him, he seems to forget what I've done, and tries to ruin me by saying that I am bad and he is good because everyone supports him and not me. He seems to forget that I was the one that kept his position high before he came to this country by telling everyone about my husband so that his image would be good, but it all seems to be going to his head. Without me, he would not have come to this country, nor pass his driver's test on the first try and get his provisional license nor get the job he currently has. Did his relatives do all that? Then, it seems that he tries to go over my head by thinking he knows everything, when in actuality, he doesn't. I try to help him learn something, then he tries to go over my head about it. Now, he needs me to perfect his driving skills, but I'm afraid if I help him, he will go over my head and try to act like he is on top of the world and mistreat me, forgetting that I helped him to get there…..” She has some mental problems – this is from her post on July 6, 2012: “….I tried to turned to conventional therapy (been to 3 therapists already), and it was just useless. They don't say anything and never help me deal emotionally with all of this.
…My therapist (non-muslim) even yelled at me because she sided with my husband. I have been taking medication because I have mental problems now, but it's useless. I doubt this is some chemical imbalance in my brain. Anyone would break down dealing with all of this…”
I feel for you dear sister. The solution to your problems lies within yourself. You cant change people around you, so change yourself… Continue your therapy; get medical and emotional help, Inshallah. When you do something good to your mother or husband or anybody else, do it for the sake of Allah (SWT), hoping for a reward from Him only, then you will find peace and satisfaction within yourself.
There are lot of people who suffer much more in this life dear sister.
There are blind people who will never see faces of their husbands, parents or children, they will never see the beauty of this world- blue skies, the sun and the moon…, and there are disable people who do not have hands or legs so they can’t walk or serve themselves well or serve their families… they wish they could…
There are war zones where people struck with hunger, constant fear and loss of loved ones.
Your problems fade away in front of above mentioned realities of the life.
So, please try to be grateful for what you have and Allah SWT will give you more, inshAllah.
The best therapy when hit with calamities of this life is sincere, long prayers, constant zikr of Allah SWT with patience, humility and submission.
Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (13:28).
I wish you find an inner peace and harmony and be grateful for the beautiful life your Lord has granted.
I know I have committed a grave sin to speak so negatively about my husband, but he hasn't said any good things to me at all either. He has always put my down and compared me to other women in his family, saying a lot of times that I don't amount to them. I have done so much for him out of love, and what do I get? He tells me all the time that I don't do this and that and I'm driving him to work everyday (he has a driver's license), I am helping him with financial issues, I am cleaning and cooking, I spend groceries and pay for his clothing and whatever he needs, etc. I think there is a limit to all of this. I understand some people are thinking badly of me, but when I have children with him, it won't be possible for me to always drive him to work and pick him up from work at 8 pm at night and all those things. I love him very much, and I know I have to watch my tongue (I said some very bad things because he has said many bad things to me too), but I am just so frustrated with him. I don't mind driving my husband to work and picking him up, but when he has a driver's license and can do it himself, then I just can't understand. A lot of times I would go out of my way to help him with his driving, but he is very stubborn and doesn't listen to me when I advise him with his driving. He still needs help with his driving, but it is very had to teach him because he doesn't listen to me when I try to advise him. However, he isn't a bad driver and can easily drive to work which doesn't require taking highways or anything. I think there is a limit to everything. If he really didn't have his license and was struggling, I would be more than happy to help him until he gained his confidence and became comfortable, but that is simpy not the case. Yes, I do have to ask Allah for forgiveness because I am wrong to say bad things about my husband, but sometimes I get so frustrated with him insulting me and putting me down all the time and with him looking at me negatively in comparison with other women in his family. I don't think that is right of him. Despite all of this, I don't want to resort to divorce, and I didn't like what Wael the editor said about how I don't treat my husband with love and respect. I may have come on these messageboards and written those horrible things, but he has said a lot of horrible things to me too, when I have tried nothing but to be a loving , supportive wife. I think it is pointless for me to come on here and discuss this issue because it is clear that none of you really can give solid advice when you don't know both sides of the story. I regret writing anything here and I will continue to just be as good a wife as I can regardless of whether it is appreciated or not, or has any effect or whatever. I guess that isn't the point. I will do my prayers and ask for forgiveness and try to talk to my husband lovingly, and I won't object to driving him despite the fact that he has a license and can do it himself. I guess I will just do everything and not say anything and just love him regardless, which I do. Again, wish I never wrote anything here. Bye.
Also, I shouldn't have called my husband a loser, because he isn't, but he hasn't said very nice things to me either. However, that doesn't justify me saying somthing back to him. I should just be patient with him and continue to love and support him. We do have happy times in our marriage, and despite it all, we do love each other deeply. Whatever I can do for him, I will. He may just not have much confidence, which I have to give him. I do believe in him deeply, and whatever issues he is facing, I will continue to support him. I don't care if he says I am not good enough or I don't amount to his female family members or whatever. I will just do whatever I can to make him happy. Anyway, I have so many household duties to do and I will be calling my husband to see how he is doing at work and offer my love to him. I also have to do my namaaz and ask for forgiveness for saying what I said, as Shaytan has entered my mind and whispered these horrible thoughts into my mind. I feel ashamed of myself, and again, I don't care what negative things my husband says to me. I love him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and I will do whatever it takes to make him happy and satisfied with me because that is what a good wife is. Take care everyone and may Allah bless everyone with happiness, success, and prosperity. Goodbye.
Oh, and I found it very offensive for Wael the editor to say that I "hate" my husband. I love him with all my heart, but I have said wrong things out of frustration. I think Wael doesn't even know what he's talking about and I am pretty confused how an editor can make such a conclusion about someone they don't even know. Not a good Islamic editor in my opinion, jumping to conclusions and putting words into someone's mouth.
I know out of frustration, I said so many horrible things about my husband, and saying that I regretted marrying him, but I didn't mean it at all. I will always love and support him and I don't care what Wael the editor has to say one bit because he really doesn't have a clue what he's talking about nor does he know me and my husband and how our relationship is together. Frustrations happen from time to time in many marriages, some people are patient and pray (which I should do), and others lose their cool and start saying things they shouldn't say like I did. I am ashamed once again, but I definitely don't expect people like Wael to understand that. Again, sorry I wrote anything about it, and really in the end, whatever situations or challenges we face as a married couple (every couple faces challenges), the best and most reliable one to turn to is always Allah.
For God sake sister calm down, I think you guys are recently married and still are adjusting yourself to it, your husband expects you to drive him and pick up from office everyday, which may become bit of tiresome if you want to do or be somewhere but try to adjust to it talk to your husband, try to remain calm, don't get angry, your mother is more worried about you then your husband that's why she want to keep quite, if your husband something disrespectful to you try to talk to him when he is calm and explain that you or anyone will get offended if you say these words and one needs to respects one's wife and every1 as matter of fact, try to talk to him if you have to do or be somewhere else and non feasible to come to pick him or drop, hope you will keep cool head and deal with this situation
Sister no one has supported your side doesn't mean you need to be angry and write you shouldn't have come here so on. What is the meaning of solid advice? please someone explain editors or any one knows?Yes of course we don't know both side stories, of course we don't know how you going through or how your husband actually behaving how should we know? It's only you telling your problem with your husband and whatever you are writing here base on that that's what everyone will answer and try to give you advice . Try to be patient sister, life is not a bed of rose sister....
Assalaamu alaikum,
You have not represented yourself in a rational way which is probably why you haven't got anyone taking your side. Your lengthy comment above indicates that you are somewhat unhinged and are overly defensive.
With spouses from abroad, don't waste this initial phase by arguing, try to get to know the guy for real and by doing that you need to behave reasonably and be patient. If you try to adopt a sensible approach and do your best and then if things don't work out, at least you can take some small comfort in the fact that you made a decent effort.
Giving your husband a lift to work shouldn't result in arguments. You can use the time to have a nice chat with your husband and enjoy the journey. If he doesn't pay for fuel, ask him politely to do so.
Do not resort to retaliating if your husband speaks unkindly, however hard that may be. The Prophet Muhammad SAW warned us to guard our tongues. Fight fire with water, so either remain dignified and silent or admonish him appropriately that he is being hurtful etc. Otherwise you'll both exceed the limits and end up totally disrespecting each other.
If your husband is comparing you with his female relatives, it may be they are the only examples of women that he has personally known and your behaviour may seem alien to him.
Do not constantly ram down his throat that whatever he has or where he is, is all due to you. You won't gain anything but contempt for this. You are not his mother nor did you breath life into him- Astagfirullah; for that's how you come across.
You do not need to buy him clothing. He has a job; if his earnings are insufficient then live a more simple lifestyle. Work on your issues before considering parenthood. A child can't raise a child and you do seem a bit childish.
If you are not content with what you have been advised, ask yourself if you came here for advice or for only what you wanted to hear? The way you have spoken about your husband in your post is hardly complimentary and so if someone had based an opinion of your feelings to your husband on that, can you then afford to be so offended?
Whatever Rashida. You don't even know me at all so I'm not even going to care what you just wrote about me being childish and not able to raise a child of my own. You clearly are very judgemental and saying things you have absolutely no right to say to me. And yes, I do regret writing what I wrote here or even coming on here not because of what people are saying, but because it wasn't right for me to lose my cool like that. Anyway, I'm never coming on here again...my only light is Allah. I could care less what you people think because you don't even know me at all.
Wow, SubhanAllah…. no greeting, no thanks- no respect whatsoever… Your sister in Islam - Rashida gave you such an intelligent and insightful advice…. May Allah guide you sister and may He give lots of patience to your poor husband.