Islamic marriage advice and family advice

To Know Whether to Continue Marriage After Istikhara

English Translation of the Dua for Istikhaarah

Dua for Istikhaarah

Assalamu alaikum,

I have a question regarding my marriage.

I have been married to my husband only for a year.

Less than a month before our marriage, I found out he still had another girlfriend, non Muslim, (his coworker, but at different office place) and committed zina too with her.

He insisted he wanted me for marriage, and he met her to console her and after that leave her for good.

I never told my parents about it and we got married.

6 months after we got married, I found out they still kept their relationship and zina and my husband rarely came home.

Eventually I talked to my in laws, but not my parents.

I prayed istikharah and I felt like keeping our marriage.

Apparently his coworker felt really guilty and asked me for forgiveness, and I got confirmed this non Muslim fling of my husband had indeed repented and cut ties from my husband.

My husband every once in a while said I brought him misery, and he didn't know if he really love me, nor he wanted to have children with me. He came home regularly though.

Last week I found out,even got confirmed from my husband, that he's still seeing another woman, non Muslim, having another zina, and now my husband drinks alcohol.

I still haven't told my in laws nor my parents, but I contacted that woman.

My husband now doesn't wanna come home anymore and I can only contact him through SMS.

I haven't done newer shalat istikharah, but recently I had a dream, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to marry him, and he felt sad for my married life (it is implied in my dream that I was indeed still married).

My husband said, if we wanted divorce, it would be my call.

But he said he'd like to go away from me forever, because I push away his "friends" (who accompany him drinking alcohol and doing casual sex).

My questions, what should I do?

My first isikharah reassured me to still keep my husband, but what were shown to me in real life were another zina and my husband drinks alcohol. My husband also smokes cigarettes, because he doesn't think it's haram to smoke.

Should I do another istikharah?

How can we know the real answer of istikharah?

And what does my dream mean? It is a bit scary, to see in dream, my male friend asked my hand in marriage (because he saw me sad) even though we knew I was still married.

Lastly, what is the best way to tell my parents and in laws? I really feel like we're going for divorce, if I tell any of our parents. And I don't want my husband to get hurt.

Thank you.

WisteriaLady


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9 Responses »

  1. you need to leave this man, its not your fault he doesnt love you. You are destined for greater things than being emotionally blackmailed and used.l

  2. Assalamu alaikum.

    Thank you very much for your replies.
    Your replies strengthen me.

    I have told my parents and am currently staying at my parents' house, finally.
    I feel relieved.
    My parents currently want to see if my husband/his family will have the honor go to our house for giving explanation.
    But both of my parents don't think my marriage to be worthy... I logically think that divorce will be the lesser evil too.
    I am advised to do shalat Hajat too, to ease what I've been through, I hope Allah will always guide me.

    Anyway, when I found my then-fiance had sex and relationship less than a month before our marriage, I didn't tell my parents because I was a fool and busy too...
    I believed his lies that he indeed wanted to marry me... and at that time, I was quite busy with my postgraduation study.

    Then I resigned/quit from my postgraduation study (it wasn't because of my husband although mymarriage might contribute my decision a bit; nevertheless, my parents was quite sad knowing I quit my postgrad study).

    Because I was at our home most of the time, I realized that my husband kept seeing his coworkers, since he came home too late at night (when I still had my study, he never came home that late)...

    Thus I talked to my parents in law/my husband's parents, twice in one month.

    The first time, my husband said sorry, if I'm not mistaken.

    The second time, my husband didn't come home for several days...

    I didn't tell my parents because I was afraid they would judge me having made wrong decisions (quitting my postgrad study, and picking such a bad husband).

    I initially prayed for istikharah because I thought maybe my husband would repent.
    My heart after doing ths first istikharah wanted to be patient with him.
    I had known him for more than 10 years, we were high school friends, and he wasn't that bad...at least he in high school and college wasn't that bad.
    He advised me wearing hijab too yeaaaaars ago.

    After that, apparently his coworker apologized to me and I got confirmed this female, non Muslim. coworker who my husband had committed zina with, had repented.

    And although my husband didn't go home everyday, or if he came home everyday he still arrived late... I saw him fast... and on weekends we prayed shalat wajib 5 times daily together, and I got somewhat relieved.
    Although he became somewhat too nice.

    Then I saw those bills with alcohol... and some strange work assignments...

    Then he asked my permissions in advance when he wanted to hang out with his friends (who were also our highschool friends, so I kinda knew these friends were good people - even when they saw my husband brought his 2nd fling, these highschool friends of ours indeed said they didn't want to hang out with my husband if he kept bringing his extramarital fling... and they also felt sad because my husband had become really different).

    Then I saw his WhatsApp messages and got confirmed...my husband had another fling, initially he told her he was still single, at least when she didn't know he was married, they took vacation out of town and had sex... my husband indeed drinks alcohol...

    Then this fling knew my husband had married, but she didn't seem guilty either.

    They still hang out almost everyday, and my husband either came home around midnight or later... or he didn't come back home at all for several days/nights...

    I prayed istikharah again but I didn't feel any particular thing in my heart.

    I don't know if he still has sex, but he indeed still drinks...

    Then I could only contact my husband through SMS or Line application (which has been muted by my husband). My husband even said he fell in love with this non Muslim, alcohol drinking, might be zina permitting, woman.

    And on some weekends apparently they had holidays together, out of town, overnight stay, and my unmarried brother in law even joined them...

    On some other weekends, sometimes my husband didn't come home at all... or he asked me to go out of our apartment, thus I stayed at hotels since I didn't wanna lie to my parents... and I got sick with my husband's family too.

    One of my brother in law joined my husband having vacation overnight out of town with this non Muslim 2nd fling of my husband more than once... what kind of in law permit his married brother to do such thing while leaving his legal wife in the dark? If I want to be suuzhon, my brother in law is a sailor, and stereotype said sailors are bad men, who enjoy playing with women and/or drinking alcohol etc..

    I somewhat dislike my mother in law too because she often badmouthing/backbiting people... if she only knew what her sons had done.

    My father in law is somewhat nice, so is my other married brother in law+his wife.

    But I can't talk about my marital problem with my brother in law/his wife, can I?

    I don't find my father in law as a strict/strong father figure either, eventhough he's nice.

    I am disappointed with my husband and sick of his family.

    So finally I had gone to my parents' house and told them everything.
    I was glad they were supportive of me...
    Just like your comments for me...
    You have give me strength.

    Thank you very much.

    My husband/his family hasn't come to my parents' house... I don't know how long my dad will wait... our family demands explanation/apology from my husband/his family.
    But seems like, whatever happen, we're heading towards divorce indeed; whatever my husband had done, had really violated marriage sanctity as well as Islamic law.
    I may not be a perfect Muslimah, but I don't do extramarital sex nor drink alcohol/khamr nor take recreational drugs... nor even smoke cigarette (many Indonesian smoke cigarette).

    I hope Allah protects me so I will always avoid such bad path, aamiin.

    May Allah bless you all too.

    Thank you.

    • I of course hope I could marry only once in my lifetime...
      Having and raising family with sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah.

      However, I also realized what my husband had done really violated Islam... he did what really got forbidden in Islam.

      We shall see how long my parents wait for his/his family explanation...
      And if he/his family has the honor to do so.

      And I try to be more obedient to my parents.
      They said this kind of marriage couldn't be saved... and I logically think so, too... this isn't that worthy.

      I will try to do shalat Hajat too...
      I hope Allah will give me guidance and protection and strength and patience, aamiin.

      Again, thank you so much for your comments.
      You have strengthen me.

    • You’re strong sister, inshallah Allah gives you a better future and strength to get past this. Could have been worse if you found out many years later. This actually upset me I don’t know how you dealt with it. Stay well and take care 🙂

  3. Sister,

    You say you don't want your husband to get hurt however, he has done nothing but hurt you since he put a ring on your finger. No one forced him to marry you...he had a choice. He sleeps around with different women and you say he doesn't even come home anymore! Pack your bags beautiful and go home to your parents. Don't wait till this man who calls himself your husband, comes home with some sexually transmitted disease to pass on to you. Life is too short to put up with any of this.

    Salam

    • Your comment was spot on Najah. It was short, sweet and had just enough dark humour to make an impact.

      Stay sharp.

  4. My dear sister,

    I am not experienced my life much. But opinion is to inform your parents and elder brothers if you have and be open what happened to you.
    They can help you and suggest you more.
    May be they can convince your husband and change him.

    Being a man, I am ashamed that such things happen to a lady who trust and love her man alone.

    Regarding Isthikhara, please try it with complete faith on Allah.
    He will guide you, Insha Allah.

    My prayers will be with you sister.

  5. There is no need for istikhara sister. He is an adulterer. Tell everything to your parents and get divorced. Don't waste your time staying and do not give him a chance if he says he will change. He is openly doing zina whilst married, absolutely shameless and disgusting. You also need to go to the doctors to get checked for sexually transmitted diseases, since he was doing zina before marriage. Why did you marry him in the first place, you knew he committed zina one month before marriage??? You need to value yourself. It's scary after all the things he did to you, you still find the need of doing istikhara, when it's clear no one in their right mind wouldn't even think of staying in such a marriage.

  6. Walaikum Salaam warahmatillah wabarikahtu dear sis,

    Sister... You are worth more than this. Allah and Islam gave you rights and instructed you to take charge of your life. My advice for you is to respectfully tell your parents first all of the story, and ask for their sincere advice. There is no need to do istikhara anymore as clearly this relationship is against Islam in the fact that your husband lied to you, used you, and continually betrayed the sanctity of your marriage by committing adultery with countless people. Even if it's not countless, and for the sake of argument he was nasty with 4 other women, do you not care for your health!? What if you catch a sexually transmitted disease because of him?! And with regards to children, we all know that it is Allah who grants people them...yes you can plan and become healthy but it is up to Him to bless you with. However, as your fellow brother in Islam I am NOT comfortable with how little you are caring for yourself. If you do get pregnant by this man and he continues his unislamic behavior, what will you say to them, let alone Allah Almighty, for bringing them up to see such a disgraceful "father figure"? One who shamelessly drinks, smokes, and has sex like a Kaffir?! Is this the type of man you want your son to become or daughter to seek in a companion?!

    Sister, we all have our tests...we all will read the books of our lives. I believe you need to flip a couple pages and start a new chapter in your life. One without this man. Unless, Allah forbid, you do the same things as your husband does, you DO NOT DESERVE this relationship. Get a divorce sister and do not marry or trust a man who has no fear of The Creator...remember surah Noor: clean believing women are for clean believing men, and vile (satanic worshipping) men are for vile ( satanic worshipping) women...

    Good luck, and may Allah help you sister to stand up for your rights.
    As-salamualaikum.
    - your brother Ibrahim

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