To marry or not to marry?
My brother liked this girl at his university. He wanted to get married, but my parents and I were against it. He's just 23 and still immature, And the girl's family was not ready either. But being a guy, he wanted to get married soon since his male desires were increasing.
Is it the only reason people get married? Now he has turned away from Allah's path and blames us -his family- as we didn't get him married.
-amna
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Alslamu Aleikum,
I don’t have the proper education to give you a concrete Islamic answer, so forgive me for that. However, what I can say is that it's not right that your brother is blaming you guys for the fact that he's having a hard time staying in the right path(due to his desires). One thing that I think most people gloss over these days when it comes to marriage is that it's written and pre-decided when,where,how,and who we get married to.
Marriage is definitely an outlet to which one can avoid sinning; however, I don’t believe it's the only reason to get merried, one of the most important reason is to complete our deen. I think it’s extremely important that when one enters in to a marriage they’re, stable, reasonable ,have a good sense of who they are, and are ready to love and care for another. Subhanallah, I never quite understood why curtain people ONLY get married to fulfill their desires, I always wondered, after these desires are fullfilled,and reality hits THEN WHAT!!!
My brother, I believe got married for this reason. I never thought that he was nearly ready for it, he needed to develop who he is first, learn how to treat people with respect, get a career, and I just simply couldn't imagine him caring for someone other than himself. Well he got married, recently had a child, and is literally living his life as if it's all about him. He doesn’t spend time with his family, emotionally absent, and sometimes I get the feeling that he regrets his decision. His wife is very patient Alhamdulillah, and I hope my brother becomes a better person.
I’m not saying that you guys were right or wrong in refusing his marriage quest, it’s just really important to realize that it’s all written.
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
Muslim Marriage in Quran
The word(s) "marriage" appears 23 time(s) in 18 verses in Quran translation by Muhsin Khan
Recommendation for Early Marriage
Islam highly recommends an early marriage. Even those who feel they would not be able to bear the expenses of family are urged to repose faith in Allah, as He is the Giver of Sustenance (Rizq), and go for an early marriage.
The proper time and age of marrying .the capability of establishing a cordial family life and the ability to fulfill rights of family members.
So dont listen to the people listen to the prophets teachings.
“The best people of my nation (Ummat) are those who get married and have chosen their wives, and the worst people of my nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their lives as bachelors.” [5]
Imam 'Ali (a.s.) exhorts, “Marry, because marriage is the tradition of the Prophet.” The Prophet (s.a.) also said, ”Whosoever likes to follow my tradition, then he should know that marriage is from my tradition.” [6]
Islam teaches that marriage is half the faith. Marriage is one of the most powerful means for the spread of Islam. It turns hostile communities into friends.
Salam Amna,
Is there something specific about your brother's behavior that makes you believe he is immature?
Personally, I married my husband when he was 22, and we are still married more than 20 years later.
I would not recommend early marriage to everyone, but many people are capable of making marriage work in their late teens and early 20s.
In my opinion, if your brother is expressing a desire to marry at this age, you must take him seriously and not insult him by calling him immature. It would be better for him to marry than to fall into sin, but he should also be aware of the responsibilities and challenges he will face as a husband and potential father. Practicing Muslims do not have girlfriends or boyfriends, so it is natural to feel the desire for marriage at an early age. Perhaps you can sit down with him and ask what you can do to help now. Remind him that the girl's family was not willing so that particular relationship might not have worked out.
Dear Sister,
What makes you or your family calling him immature...are there any valid reasons for this? Okay even if he is immature but his physical or emotional longings cannot be. If he tried to get things done in halal way, he seems to have been rejected straightway, inspite of being guided in such sensitive situation in such way that he could understand and accepting the reality , could have improve himself. But he seems, got rejected in hard way. is it just because he is 23 by age or not financially independent.
First of all, such matters of heart/marraige are of very sensitive in nature and it means a lot for a person. But it often happens that others fail to see or feel it. So one has to be very very careful while dealing with such things especially our parents, because whether we are right or wrong, whether our demand is valid or not but its only family especially our parents or some sibling to whom we close to, to whom we turn in hope they would listen to us and may help us in getting what we want. I don't know if you/your family even heard him patiently or just rejected his demand/desire?? It would have been wise if you/your family would have listened to him as this would have made him that you pay attention to his desires/demands. then you might make him understand everything- the practical hurdles in marriage like how marriage is a life long relation, how it is just a big responsibility, how important it is for a man to be self independent before getting married especially in modern time when people are having nuclear families etc. He might, in turn, would have listened to you as well and might have understood it all. He should have been commended for trying to make things in halal way but he has to overcome the practical hurdles.
Also, you could have won his heart by saying that still you could have consider the proposal and would have got him engaged at least if Nikah was not feasible but when girl's family was not ready , then things are not in your (your parents) hands.. you could make him understand why they would be against it (by mentioning the above stated reasons that no parents will marry a girl to the man who is not self independent and who does not practice religion- you can give your example that would he allow you to get married to someone who is not practicing religion and is not self independent).
It seems he felt so disheartened from family, in a state of dejection, he has turned away from Allah's path and blames you all.
You can still try to take him to right path by having a mutual discussion in the light of above. I hope he would understand and would work to improve himself and hopefully will get a good life partner(who knows he may get the same girl or even better). I would also recommend if you could take him to some authentic islamic scholar as well who would guide him in light of Islam. Sometimes, we learn (Same) things not from our loved ones but from third party.
If he still behaves immature, you/ your family continue to act maturely by being good to him, taking care of him, be patient towards him and praying for him. you all have to win his heart and trust again.
Insha-allah all will be fine with course of time.
Asalamu Alaikum
I agree with everyone, and is true what sister a repenter muslimah said.You have to listen to your brother and support him as his family.I think your brother most get married to the girl he loves because it is better then committing many sins which I pray Allah to save him from it.
We are in the time of Fitnah,Sins are there everywhere you go.Nowadays many people prefer to get married from or between 30 or 40 or an older age.But imagine what could a person do at his teenage or at his 20s before reaching the right time to get married?.I think getting married at an early age is good like at least from 18,19 or from 20, because many teenagers and youth do get involved in such love relationships which has no place in Islam.
And you say at 23 he is immature to get married then when ever he will be mature and get married.It is right he might be immature for the responsibilities of a marriage life.But as his family you have to encourage him to let him feel he can do so.Saying he his not mature is which makes him feel immature.But if you and his parents will advice him support him by the help of Allah he be able to do everything as a husband and as a father in future.Our parents and our grandparents and many from a long time ago have got married at an early age.That's why you can see they don't have such thing as a ''boyfriend' or ''girlfriend', and there is no too much sins been committed like our time now.Many even in our century now get married in an early age and thanks to Allah they all live happily with their family.
Our time is which makes marriage on youth impossible because of the expenses and responsibilities they have to make, and by this our muslim youth are been fall in such haram relationships because no one is there to support them to get married and the society sees them as immature and small kids.While they will be having so many thinking on their heads which an adult will not even think of it.
My advice to you, will it be possible for your brother to get engaged or Nikah to that girl whom he loves, so, they can be halal to each other.And if your brother graduate from his university support him to find a good job which could help him to buy a house and support his wife and his kids in future.And you can help him make a wedding ceremony or a simple Walimah(Dinner party).
But if you still see that he is immature then try to convince him as sister a renpenter muslimah said.Tell him to wait until the right time because marriage is a very big responsibility, and you don't know what he could do if he stills waiting, and especially if he keeps seeing the girl he loves at his university everyday.
Many consequence are there, but I think is better to get married and please Allah then being in a Haram relationship that will upset Him.
Pray Istikharah and ask Allah to guide you whether his marriage is the right thing or he should stay and wait.Try to contact with the family of the girl if possible.May Allah guide your brother and choose the best for him.You can help him Inshallah if you will just sit down and listen to him.
Dear Sister Red Rose,
thanks for liking my response.
Your Sister
You are welcome my dear sister may Allah bless you.Your sis Red Rose.
Correction- in my comment I wrote ''most' get married, I meant, ''must' get married.
You should be ashamed for not sticking by your brother and considering his feelings instead you insulted him. Should get married when one feels they are ready. Its not your decision or parents its your brothers and your brothers choice, at least it saves him by going onto the haraam path. I understand if he has gone on the wrong path you need to bring him back and support him (I would blame you if you were my sister). Its got nothing to do with him being immature its the fact that marriage is a long commitment but maybe he felt he was ready for that. Age has nothing to do with it either everyone is different. Parents should listen when their child says I want to get married should take that person seriously. People I know who got married at 18 are still married, made it work so really you shouldn't have sided except should have said we will think about it, there is a proposal will get to know the family and so on. These days people think too much and allow the negativity take control of them, take control of your own choices for the right way may it be for the best.