Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Told The Truth and It Backfired

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Salam alaykum,

I was engaged to an amazing man for a year and a half. We fell for each other straight away and got caught up in love so quickly.

The problem is that before he came into my life, I had loved before from a young age. When I was 15 the first love had managed to get me to commit zina with him, I was so lost in the puppy like first love that I did not realise what I had done. After he took what he wanted, he disappeared until a few years later he came into my life again. I fell back into the puppy like love, I had promised myself no other man will touch me, yet I became like a doll in this mans hands. I gave myself to him again many times.

Not long after this happened, the man who would become my fiance came into my life and had expressed interest in marriage. I was still in my home country and he was in his, I would not meet him until 2 months later. My parents encouraged me to get to know him through messages so when I go to his home country we can see each other and officially engage. I refused as I was still meeting with the first love, but of course no one knew so my parents gave my number to the future fiance without my permisson, telling me I am stubborn and cant see what is good for me.

I spoke with him to keep up a good appearance with my family, but at the same time was still meeting with the first love and every meet we were committing zina. I did not realise what I was doing, I was so caught up with the puppy love that I could not open my eyes to what I was doing. I was deceiving a genuine man who wanted a wife, but it never went into my head what I was doing. Looking back now, it was as if my head was under water the whole time and did not get out of the water until what I had done was to be exposed later on.

I ended up telling the first love that I will be going overseas and I may engage. We had one last meeting the day before I left and that was the end of any communication between us.

Later in the same week, the man came to see me, and came a second time to ask for my hand. I accepted. We fell for each other straight away, we became obsessed with each other, every day together, day and night on the phone.

A month after we officially engaged, he asked me about my past and I told him that I had commited Zina. Our talk eventually led to me confessing what I had been doing while we were getting to know each other, and every detail he asked about I told him the truth. This broke him and almost ended our engagement, but he decided to give me a chance and at the same time hide my sin.

Things were difficult at first, but over time they got better. We were in his home country, away from mine and where my past was waiting for me. Our relationship was very special, one people do not see often. It was as if we were each other's halves, we were so alike and we even looked like each other although we do not relate! Eventually he managed to forget and we were planning our marriage life, the house, children, everything a couple about to get married looks forward to.

We eventually travelled to my home country as that was where we were to marry and live. As soon as we came, our relationship turned upside down, the moment we landed my past and what I did all came back to him and he could no longer forget. He struggled to continue with me so he made the choice to end our engagement, told me to do a surgery to cover my past as no one will accept me for what I did, and to live a normal life.

Our entire engagement was full of problems, as people in my family did not want me to marry him as he is from a different country and they believed he was using me for a visa. My parents ended up knowing my past, so did a few people in my family, and my (ex) fiances family all knew (parents and sibilings). Every new problem we faced, more people would know. But he still pushed through the problems as he wanted me. It was only when he arrived here he found himself he cannot forget, he was in fear of one day crossing paths with the man who had taken his wifes innocence. Everywhere he would go small things would remind him of what I did.

It broke us to seperate, it broke me and I did not want to let him go. I was so upset and angry that after everything we went through, he suddenly could not continue when he came to my country. I knew he loved me, I knew he wanted me, but struggled to accept that he could not forget about my past when he had before. For weeks I tried to convince him to continue with me, that we can live happily married and he can eventually forget. It ended up with his family contacting me to tell me to stay away from him. He blocked my number and I am still blocked.

I regret so much putting so much pressure onto him that he was pushed to involve his family to get me to leave him alone. My messages were destroying him but I was acting from my emotions, I did not want to let this man leave my life. He made me forget the first love, he understood me better than anyone else, he became my best friend who I can tell anything to. To lose him has been devastating, I am trying to keep myself strong and standing but inside I just want to fall apart and collapse.

He is still here in my country, I am in fear he will find another girl and marry her, I know his family will push him into this. I do not have the heart to revoke his visa and send him home so he can be away from me. I know he never used me for the visa, I know everything became too much for him, the stress was affecting his health. I know he knows I am one of a kind and sees my good heart and what I had done in my past is not who I really am, he saw me change into a better person, but even this was not enough to save our relationship. His family told me I should not have told him every single detail, that this was my mistake, if he only believed it was a one time thing when I was young he would have accepted it and moved on. I felt horrible for lying to him and deceiving him, so I told the truth to every question he asked, he knew every detail of the relationship between me and the first love. This all ended up backfiring on me as it was these details that he was not able to forget when he arrived here.

I miss him, my heart completely belongs to him, I have no love at all for the first guy. I hate myself for ruining any chance of reconciliation by refusing to let him go. I never knew it would reach the point it did. Alhamdulilah I am praying again, every day I was making dua that if he is good for me then to bring him back to me, I guess he was not good for me from what had happened. I am just so heartbroken that Allah put this man into my life who was everything I wanted in a husband and more, someone who I felt completed me and knew me better than I know myself, only to take him away from me. I know His plans are better than mine, but to lose what I lost just brings me down. My ex was one of a kind, I know he is a good person. Unfortunately my past finally caught up with me and I lost the best thing in my life as a result. I finally paid the price for my sin.

I really do hope that this man is my naseeb and later we will reunite. How we came into each others lives, how our entire relationship was, I do not believe it was just a coincidence. Inshallah Gods plans for me are revealed at the best time.

If my ex is reading this, please know that I never intended to hurt you, I was so lost and you helped me come back to God and wake up to the reality of this world.

I need advice as to whether to go ahead with a hymen reconstruction surgery or should I wait until I am sure I will marry? Should I leave myself as I am? I am so confused.

Confused9094

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10 Responses »

  1. First of all.. Before taking the matter into hand first ask an islamic scholar from islamic point of view about hymen reconstruction surgery, and by then, you can do the right thing under the mercy of Allah. And again about your story, what you did is the right thing.. Perhaps Allah will look at you with the eyes of mercy for saying the truth even if it hurts to admit the truth.. Dont ever regret saying the truth and about the issue of your past sins repent sincerely to never repeat it again..Allah love those who turn to Him in repentance.you have made a mistake in the past, what is done can never be undone.. So follow up your bad deed with good deeds with that Allah will insha Allah have mercy on you, forgive you and grant you a man who will appreciate and guide you toward righteouness. Amin

  2. Sister, Zina is a big sin. Your post seems to be more about your compatibility with either of the two men rather than a realisation of what you were caught in with your first guy. Realise and repent for your sin. You are seeing one face of the effect of this sin in your life, the spiritual effects are even greater.
    Thank Allah SWT that your eyes have been opened to what you were doing. Repent and repent. You could have gone a lifetime without realising; before the sin could have
    caught on in a worse way. Let your ex fiance go. He has tried his best and he cannot handle it. Even if you force him, your marriage may fall apart and maybe you might have children as casualties. Do you want them to carry the burden of your past on their shoulders?
    Think hard about the repercussions of what can follow and just let go.
    I do not think you can go for any surgery. Still confirm from the scholars of Islam. You must be careful about what and how much you reveal in your next proposal. Focus on repentance and following the path of Islam with its Halal & Haram for now. You need healing and thorough analysis of your priorities.

  3. Sister ,I see you are upset because of loosing other guy but don't see any guilt for the sin like Zina .It is a big zin and Islamic punishment is harsh for this sin . I think you are mentally not ready and not sure what you are doing as at one side you were doing zina and other side meeting other guy ..this behaviour is not normal .I suggest you to come closer to deen and repenting your sins ...if your first bf want to marry you then get married to him .

  4. Assalaamualaikoem dear Sister. Firstly do I wish to inform you that yes, you have commited a sin of zina and realised it. Repent to Allah swt, He loves those who regret and repent. I do feel your pain, losing someone that you really love. Secondly. The lesson that can be learnt from this is that you should never reveal your past to anybody. Allah covers and hides the faults of people. So it is better to keep your sin to yourself and ask forgiveness to Allah swt and read Quran as much as possible. We are all human, and all make mistakes, but never too late to repent. Inshaa Allaah, you will find the right husband for you. Aameen

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Regarding hymen reconstruction, this is cosmetic surgery which is generally considered prohibited in Islam. There is also no need to have any surgery done. All women's bodies are different - some women don't have a hymen at all, some women will have stretched or broken theirs through daily life and activity long before they have sex. And not every woman with an intact hymen will bleed the first time she has sex. Also, no matter what they may claim, men don't have magical virginity detection abilities. The only way a man will know you're not a virgin is if you tell him.

    In future, if a man asks you about whether you have had sex, don't tell him the details. Simply say to him that you're unmarried and try your best to follow Islamic guidance in your life. However, if a man clearly expresses that he only wants to marry a virgin and would not be willing to stay married to a non-virgin, then I'd suggest tactfully declining his proposal - if virginity is such an important issue for him it would not be fair for him to be deceived.

    As other people have mentioned though, the more pressing issue to address needs to be your involvement in premarital sex and relationships. Zina is a sin and you need to repent for this and make changes in your life so that this does not happen again - you might find it helpful to read our articles on tawbah and repentance. Once you have repented, look to the future and ensure you follow Islamic guidance in your relationships with non-mahrams - you should not be in situations where you become intimate or strongly emotionally attached.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. Salam..In short [edited] Please learn the right way and teaching our prophet Muhammad PBUH has shown us to do marriage ...for specific details look at the 4 major school of thoughts....This will clarify issues.....Engagement is the non Muslim way ...YoU only curse yourself so don't do things in this world blindly...Islam is a system which must be followed correctly or else???

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I've noticed on a few posts now, you've commented that you haven't actually read the post and have described the content of the post in a disparaging way. Terms such as "nonsense" and "mumbo jumbo" can be very hurtful and I would ask you not to use them.

      Your advice is welcomed, but please read the posts before commenting and please stop using insulting and potentially hurtful terms to describe someone's request for help. We should try to support our brothers and sisters in Islam, and offer kindness in our advice.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. I read your post and well all advices sound very well. one thing I would like to add is for your own benefit is that why is he still in your country? Send him back because if he cannot stand this place and be with you and being in your country remind him of bad things then end his misery as well. I am not saying he used you for a visa but the fact is fact he came here to be with you and if by any reason he cannot be with you then you need to make sure you send him back. So you don't do anything stupid just by his presence here. Don't let this man use you again even its for a visa. The far he is from your approach the better it is for you to recover from everything.

  8. Walaykum Asalam sister,

    Manis has some good logic there, in my opinion. Also, even if the first guy doesn't want to marry, or you two don't get married and instead end relations, don't worry and hang in there, focusing on yourself and your own life apart from these men. Inshallah someday, if you want to get married, you will be more ready and the right man will enter your life, one who will appreciate you for who you are and the journey that got you there.

    Best to you, Inshallah.

  9. My sister in Islam, as salaam alikum. What I will write for you is from my heart hoping that it finds a place in your heart. It is said what truthfully comes from one heart, the other realises and it settles within.

    My valuable sister in islam, If you knew the true value of yourself, you will never allow yourself to be humiliated by comitting sins. (As Ibn Al Qayyim said) . Ibn Qayyim was a profound man who is known as the doctor of the soul with Muslims.

    My sister, you have so much worth and high value with Allah. he created you, he chose for you a great purpose(to worship Him Alone), He loves you so much that He did not leave you without a guidance, in fact He has sent for you and us all a messenger to guide us, He provides for you, gives you health. if you were to count the favour of your Rabb you will not be able to. If it is hard for you to see what favours I mentioned... get a piece of paper and look to those who have less than you ... those that you either heard of or personally know.... then write what you have that they do not have. So thank Allah and praise Him. Thank Him through your actions. Thank Him by abstaining from what He forbade from us (for our good).

    Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah, and in it there is a sadness that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him and in it there is emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him and by returning to Him and always rememberin Him and if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness." Ibn Qayyim Al jawziyyah. It seems that you are trying to fill this void the sheikh mentioned (Ibn qayyim) with the company and love of these men, but know may Allah have mercy on you and us all, that you are giving your heart to those that it does not belong to, give your heart to Allah and He will never leave you empty or broken and you never have to convince Him to stay and not to leave. Once you have accomplished that, the most amazing man who has also given his heart to Allah the same way you did will find you Through Allah and Allah will make you both content since you are together to please your Creator. You may lose people in your life as you did with the first love but you will gain another in his place as it was the case with the second man whom you were engaged to. Ibn Qayyim also said "And for everything a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him"...

    My sister, Know that with trails and tribulations then comes the period of patience and reliance upon Allah: And the end is Enlightenment guidance & Victory. So be optimistic and be content in Allah and He will give you happiness beyond measure. Bear in mind that Allah truly knows best so the happiness you have in mind may not be as good as the happiness Allah knows is better and more honourable for you.

    A wise man once said, "Do not love deeply, till you make sure that the other party loves you with the same depth, because the depth of your love today, is the depth of your wound tomorrow"... in essence, do not love a man until he proves to you that he loves you deeply. Men love through actions ( not words), they are very logical creatures. If a man loves you, he respects you, he withholds from anything that would dishonour you and instead will hasten to marry you.

    Know my sister that if you ever have intimacy with a man before marriage, he has lost all respect for you. If a man does not respect you, he cannot love you. Learn from what misfortune has come your way from these two men. I derive for you 5 points,

    First young man

    1) He seduced you and lured you to have intimacy with him and you allowed that. Do not allow a man to ever treat you in such a way. set for yourself and all men a high standard they must meet (for example: good religion and good charecter) and you will meet Quality men (many of them are out there is just a matter of time before you spot them)

    2) He spoke to you through his actions. To illustrate, he would call you when he intended to have intercourse and he would disappear when he did not need you.

    Second man.

    3) Men are decisive creatures, they think, evaluate then come to a decision and then act. Once a decision is made by a man he respects himself enough not to return from it unless something completely new comes up. in which case, he again... evaluates and makes a decision. What is profoundly intresting is that the second man decided to still marry you when he was back home after you told him all you did, yet as soon as he set foot in the country you are in he eventually returned from his decision. This indicated insincerity of intention. When he was back in his home country, he knew fully well that you would come to where you committed this act.

    4) He beautified his actions for you by his words. Sister, correct me if am wrong but he seems to have beautified his planned departure by telling you that he cannot look beyond the sin you committed. I have come to this reason due to the above mentioned point. The question now would be, what amazed him when he knew of this fact early on in your relationship.

    5) Allah had placed him In your life so that you forget about him, and then Allah took him away from you as He loves you. Allah brought for you the calamity of him leaving you so that you return to Allah. A calamity that brings you close to Allah is better for you than a blessing that takes you away from Him.

    To finalise my beloved valuable sister, do not love the one who does not love Allah.... just as he has left Allah, he will leave you. Sins destroy the heart the same way poison destroys the body so do not ever go back to zina, make dua Allah saves you from it. Most definitely, What is coming is better than what is gone. And, Don't depend on anyone. Because even your own shadow leaves you in darkness .... depend on The One who will never leave you and you will never have to convince Him to stay with you (Allah).

    Ws-salaam.

    Your sister in islam.

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