Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Torn between getting divorce or staying married

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid

Assalamu Alaikum. I will make my story short, I was married for the past two years and had daughter and son alhamdulillah. Our marriage was not a good one from the start my parents don't agree because my husband had so many failed marriages in the past. But, his marriages in the past was not like ours that was attended by many people including our parents and relatives, his marriage before was not formal unlike in ours that was with complete papers.

However, before I gave birth to our first child he went back to Metro Manila to had some business there I didn't go with him because I had my work in our place, unfortunately he married again an OFW who is supposedly going back to Saudi. The parents of the girl was not there and as I heard the father don't agreed but the woman insisted.

The sad part was that the parents of the girl get one of our assets which was worth more than 100 thousand because according to them it was a payment for what they did. According to my research my husband tried to give money as Mahr but they didn't accept because it was from haraam business but instead get our asset which was triple the amount of the money for the Mahar here in the Philippines. I don't know if my husband order it or what because that time the asset was in the guidance of his older sister.

After my husband got married he bring the girl in our place but the girl was still hiding from her parents and until now she was not able to come home and even my husband didn't talk to the parents formally.

It was where our life started to fall down we always fight and we had said many hurtful things to each other, he even said that he wants divorce with me but change his words afterwards. After a month of staying in our place he needs to go back to Manila to find money to support the needs of the girl, he don't give support to us often since I have my own money.

After I gave birth to our second child he became good to me again and told me that he was so sorry for all that he did to me, but he was asking me that I will let the girl his second wife stay in the house that we build so that he can stay in our place and just find a decent job with small income. I did not agree I told him that I will stay in my parents house where I stay now and let the girl live there. He told me that people will judge him and beside I was the one with work, I feel like he was just using me.

Now I am confuse with my decisions, I had my career and I can support my children even if without him but there was this hope also that I should try holding on because maybe the second wife will go back to abroad and we can have a happy life again. But, in my analysis of the situation I know that it will be forever like this very unstable and full of problems especially that he was again communicating with his exes.

I want to divorce him to stay away from this very complicated life but at the same time I want many children and not just two and I don't want that the father of my other children is different guy and also I want to spend my whole life with the guy whom I gave my virginity and don't want to marry another guy.

But there were questions lingering my mind - if I divorce him how can i have other children if I have no more husband? But, if I don't divorce him i can't stay like this. We are married but he failed to do his responsibilities and I still can't forgive him for what he did although now we are not fighting anymore but he is still away from us. I can't ask him to go home because he has no source of income here in our place and unlike before that I am willing to support our needs and he just need to find work even with low salary because we can already have a simple life. But now it is hard for him to do that because he has another responsibility.

I am not willing anymore to help in his responsibilities with his other sons because I was hurt so much with what he did. I can't take the fact that the girl his other wife can use my money, that is why I am not willing anymore to have a conjugal property with him because I feel like I was already cheated when the parents of the girl get our asset which I help in acquiring and now is being used by her parents.

I am also considering the fact that he is doing other haraam business in which I am against ever since and it seems like there is no way for him to stop that business since that is his only source of income.

I was thinking that if he can't do his responsibilities as a husband and father to our children and if we can't live together then what's the sense of this marriage? He told me that he will stop his haraam business if he can get capital then he will come home and he will just give the other girl capital to start a small business but what if he can't get capital or if it takes many years before it happen then I will just live this kind of life?


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13 Responses »

  1. This man will probably keep doing this, You know what is right for you and your Children. This man doesnt seem like a man who wants to change or will ... Allah knows best his intentions but you know him well so only you can see whether he will stick by you. Alhamdulillah you have means to support yourself ... pray Istikharah and then stick to whichever plan you decide on.

    Dont fall into his trap again ... its easy for anyone to talk a big game and make things seem good but a persons actions speak a lot louder.

    May Allah make it easy on you Ameen.

    • Thank you for your reply I appreciate it so much.. i am deeply hurt i really wanted to save our marriage for the sake of our children but in our situation he can't do his part he is away from us and he cant afford to support our needs I'm working hard to support our children's need. His reasons why he marry someone is because I didn't go with him in Manila and he doesn't have someone to take care of him I know exactly that he was so selfish for having that reason but i find it hard to move on and divorce him ;(

  2. I want to divorce him for these reasons first he is doing forbidden business, second he is not a good role model for our children he is not even praying, he don't fast on Ramadhan, he can easily say bad words especially when he has problems, it seems like he don't care at all

  3. Shaira, I will be rude here. He is using you for your money. Yes, you love this man but sometimes letting go of somehings are the best. Once you are gone from his life, he will realize ur value but please dont go back because he will think, you are too easy and forgive him so fast. Second, you really want your children to have father that does not know his responsibilty. When your children get old, they will think its OK to cheat on wife and multiple partner. You really want your children to learn that is haram. Allah will ask you, hey Shaira, you can divorce a man if he is not rightereous to you, why did you bring up your children with such a father..its time for a change Shaira.


    • Thank you AllahHafiz, that is also exactly what Im thinking. what im gonna do with a man or a father of my children who do not know his responsibilities. Although I want my children to grow up with a complete family but it is not what's happening right now and to be honest the main reason why I want to divorce him is because of his haram/forbiden business and I know that only miracle from Allah will stop him from that business because that is his only way of getting money. I pity him that is why although I know from the start that I will be miserable by marrying him I still did because I was thinking that time that maybe if I marry him he will stop his haram business and jut look for a decent job as what we agreed and we will support our family because I will help him provide for us. But, I was wrong I just thought that I can fix other people's life ;( my mother was right, I just put myself on this miserable situation..

  4. why is it that nobody is replying on my message.until now im still confused

  5. I am really confused I want to do my function, task as a wife but to whom? my husband is far from us and he is living with another girl it seems like he already forgotten us.. I don't know what is happening to him I he dont calls us often, I just heard what is happening to him through his sister through facebook. Is this still a family? he trust me that much that I will not do anything bad but what if I fall in love with others who is showing me kindness, something that he doesnt show me?????

  6. Asalaamualaikum..
    I am stuck in a decision of getting devorce..
    I love my husband a lot..
    I always prayed to have a happy married life with him..despite of our frequent fights and disaggrement at several things..

    But now its getting tougher and tougher for me live with him and to love him the way i did earlier..
    Whenever i look at him or listen his voice..
    It reminds me of his face at d time he physically abused me (when i was only 12-13 days postpartum)..whenever i listen his voice it reminds me of all d harsh and abusive words he used for me several times..
    I agree dat it happend at times dat even i got out of control and raised my voice etc..and in anger said i dont want to live with you..but sone how reconsiled..

    But now my heart is just not ready to accept him or live in such manner for life long..
    Allhamdulillah I have 3 sons..the only reason making me bound to live with youngest one is two months old..
    I cannot leave my kids..i cannot live without them..
    But at the same time my heart is even not having any love or affection for my husband..its 6 years hoping for better life between we both..but day by day situation between us is worsening..
    Help me..
    My father is not family just keeps saying me to have sabr no matter what he does ..
    May it be physical abbuse or verbal..
    May it be a disresptfull behaviour toward me or my family and not fulfilling my needs..making promises den breaking dem..
    May it be he doing khayanat in my savings..

    Pls me..
    I feel i am doing a kind of zulm on myself by allowing him to handle me d way he is doing ..(like a slave)
    As according to his mother and him..
    "Biwi ko pair ki jooti ki nook par rakhna chahie..uski aukaat me"

    Plz guide me what should i do..
    As when it comes to proving himself correct... he lies in such a manner dat even i get confused and start feeling that he is saying truth and he is correct..(also all feel he might be more correct and truthful.. as he have good beard on his face and he knows a lots of hadith and deen knowledge..and have created an image of being a deendaar person.)
    So its useless of making a group convo among elders and family members..
    Plz help..

    • I read your story and felt like I am narrating it. My husband is abusive. He is very controlling. If anything in this house ot my life goes against his will he makes my life hell. Earlier it was name calling only. Then emotional abuse proper verbal abuse. Now I am 3 months pregnant he hit me hard. I try to control to not say him anything but all in vein. How can I not say anything when he abuses me alot. I am educated girl still unable to end this marriage. Please anyone help me by telling their story of courage... So that I can move on with my life without this man.

      • Asalamualaykum Sister,

        I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain. You say that you are unable to end this marriage. Have you tried calling the police when your husband hits you or emotionally abuses you? If calling the police might teach him to treat you better, would it change your goal, or do you still want a divorce? Because I think it is very worth trying first to call the police whenever he abuses you. Even if you are trying to get out, do that until the divorce is final, for your own protection. Why do you feel you are unable to it just because he has psychological control over you or it financial? That would help me to advise you better, Inshallah.


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