Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tortured and suicidal

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Assalam O Alaikum!

I  am a 25 years old female and I belong to a Muslim Syed family. Please read my story and reply as soon as possible because I am afraid I might harm myself. I am very unhappy. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am very sad. I am hopeless. I hate myself. I hate my life. I am clinically depressed and anxious. Maybe I have body dysmorphic disorder. Maybe I am suffering from multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia or delusions and hallucinations. Or maybe I am suffering from Jinn/Demonic possession. Maybe I am suffering from a combination of all these things. I am very sick and sad and I do not want to continue living anymore.

I was normal up till 10th grade. I was an exceptionally bright student. I also had a passion for singing, painting and sketching. I also liked writing. My best friend was my grandmother. She had brought me up because both of my parents used to work. I also have a brother who is two years younger than me. Back when I was in school, friends used to make fun of my short height. Even the sports teacher in school used to lecture my mother to do something to increase my height. In turn, my parents started lecturing me to increase my height due to which I started thinking I was not good enough. I tried many things. But nothing helped. Then I started wearing huge heels and wearing pants that covered those heels so that people would not think I am short. Then one day I bought a cycle in hope that it might increase my height. But unfortunately, I had an accident the very first day I rode that cycle. It was a dark deserted road. My parents were supposed to stand there and monitor me since it was my first time riding a cycle but for some reason they went inside to have tea. My younger brother was outside with me and suddenly I hit a huge iron gate because of which one of my two front teeth broke and came out of its socket and the tooth next to it chipped off.

I used to have a beautiful smile before the accident but I lost that smile after it. It made me sad. I had bought the cycle because I thought it would make me taller because everyone made fun of me including my parents and brother. I used to pray to Allah to make me tall. But I was so sad that He did not accept my prayers and when I tried to help myself on my own, He took away my beautiful smile.

Even to this day, 11 years later (more than a decade!) I still suffer because of that accident. There is not even one day in my life when I can speak without pain. I have constant pain in that region. I have undergone multiple root canal treatments, even apicoectomy which is a serious surgical procedure but my teeth have not cured. I ask my parents to take me abroad for treatment or get my teeth removed and get me implants if this is not helping but they do not listen. Neither do my dentists for some reason and they keep trying to save these teeth. I know they cannot be saved. It has been more than 10 years. Yet no one thinks about the pain I have to go through or the ugliness of the dead teeth that bothers me.

I noticed that after my first accident, every year I started getting some sort of an injury. The year after my teeth accident, I fell down and fractured my foot. My foot is fine now. But a year after my foot fracture I fell down the top stairs and injured my backbone. My backbone is fine too now. I also noticed that during the latter part of my school, I started becoming obsessed with how ugly I was and I would take days off from school. Then, when I was in 10th grade my grandmother died. Obviously that made me very sad.

Afterwards, weird things started happening in my life. When I had fractured my foot, one day I was lying on bed and there was no electricity and I thought I saw two green colored eyes staring at me from a distance. I ignored that and thought it might have been my imagination. But then I saw those eyes again nearer to me. Then I got scared and closed my eyes. But then I felt as if something was standing right beside me and when I opened my eyes I saw those eyes next to me.

Then there was another time when suddenly I started crying loudly, almost hysterically. I kept screaming ‘’Leave my hands, leave my hands” and I could not move my hands because I felt like something was holding them down. At that time my grandmother was still alive and she recited Quran over me . I kept staring blankly in one corner. Anyway, I was back to normal after a while.

I secured excellent result in my school with straight A’s and then I got admission in the best high school in whole of Pakistan. But within a week I left that school because I felt unhappy there. Everyone told me not to do this yet I did this and I got myself enrolled in an average high school along with a friend of mine. My first few months at that school were okay but soon many students over there turned against me because the basic culture of that school was not to study and to party all the time while I was a good girl with excellent results and I never partied. People started bullying me to such an extent that they would block my way. Crowds of students would block my way and hold cameras in their hands threatening me they would upload my videos on YouTube. Girls would make fun of me while boys would try to ask me out and then bully me when I said no. I used to get filthy text messages all the time on my phone. Even my best friend over there turned against me. I felt scared and lonely of going there. So I stopped going to high school. My condition got worse after I came to this school. At school, I used to stare at mirror thinking how I hated my face. But things got even worse after I stopped going to school, I began hating myself even more. I mainly hated the way I looked. I hated my nose which I felt was too big for my face and crooked at one side. I hated my fat lower cheeks. I hate how ugly my teeth had become after the accident and how much pain they caused me in my mouth.

One day I got very angry. I cried a lot. I was very sad. My mother was reciting Quran and I wanted to throw that away too because Allah was not helping me. But I did not since I respect that book. I wanted to break all the mirrors at home. But I did not. Instead I locked myself up in a room. I cried for days and nights in that room. I felt so unhappy and helpless. I told my parents I would not get out of that room until they helped me fix my ugly face. I did not want to get out of that room until my damaged teeth were fixed and other parts of my face were fixed. But no one helped me. My brother was always upstairs playing. My parents slept calmly upstairs while I cried downstairs alone. I did not even have friends who could help me. After some months, I transferred upstairs to another room and locked myself there. I used to lie in bed all the time and cry and think how ugly I am.

One day on Shab-e-Mairaj I cried a lot. Then suddenly I decided to pray, so I prayed a lot. I offered  more than 10 prayers in a stretch and asked God to help me. Then I fell down and developed a slight ache in my lower abdomen. When I woke up the next day I had severe pain in my lower pelvic region. I thought my appendix was bursting or my ovaries had some problem. I asked my parents to take me to hospital. But they did not want to. They ended up taking me to the hospital when I bugged them a lot. I was taken to emergency room and doctors performed various tests and scans on me and I was declared healthy and fine. I was discharged and returned home. But next day, that pain returned and it was more severe this time. I kept crying due to its severity. I asked my parents to again take me to hospital but they did not want to. They said they had already taken me before and there was nothing wrong with me. The pain got even more severe and I cried more. It was then that my parents took me to hospital. I was crying so much that the doctors had to put me on some kind of injections which are supposed to make you go to sleep or lose consciousness. But even those injections could not make me unconscious or put me to sleep and I kept feeling the pain. During my stay at the hospital, all kinds of tests and scans were done on me but every result came out clear. All kinds of teams of doctors came to examine me. No one could come to a conclusion. Then one of the doctors suggested that they operate on me and put a camera inside me to see what is wrong. I refused to let that happen because I felt it was invasive and I felt even that would not be able to tell what is wrong with me. The pain was horrible. It felt like someone was stabbing my pelvic region and lower abdomen with knives and as if something was moving inside. Then one day came the worst night of all. That night I felt like someone had poured acid in the region I felt pain in. I was sure that was the night of my death. I recited kalma. This is how sure I was of my death. I told my parents not to sleep because I was in too much pain and I also knew I was going to die. They stayed awake but after sometime they fell asleep obviously. When I opened my eyes, I saw they were sleeping. My brother had also refused to stay at the hospital and had gone home. I felt helpless. I started reciting durood sharif. when I woke up the next morning the acidic pain was gone. It was replaced by a severe aching pain in pelvic bones as if someone had beaten me badly with sticks there. After a few days, that pain disappeared on its own. The doctors could not diagnose anything. So in the end, they concluded that the pain was psychosomatic pain. They said it was a kind of pain that did not exist in reality but it was an imagined pain that resulted from extreme anxiety; a kind of pain that occurred because my emotional pain was too much so my body translated it into physical pain. They then prescribed me anti-anxiety meds which I was supposed to take.

I took those meds regularly yet my level of emotional pain did not drop by even one percent. Meanwhile, I kept begging my parents to take me to plastic surgeons and dentists to help me become good looking and to undo my teeth problems. But my parents always seemed reluctant. I do not know why they never took me seriously. They would sometimes take me to surgeons after weeks of begging but stay aloof and very nonchalant as if they did not want the doctors to help me. I know they used to take me there just to calm me down a bit and to give me false hope that they wanted to help me fix my face but in reality they did not want to help me. Every appointment ended in vain and I found myself stuck with the same ugly face and teeth problems.

Meanwhile, I decided to join a university to divert my mind a bit. I wanted to get enrolled at an art college since I am artistic in nature  but my relatives and parents brainwashed me how art was for losers and a child with my intellect should go for business related studies. I listened to them and I started going to one of the best business universities in Pakistan. Everything was fine for one week.  I made lots of new friends very quickly.  But then suddenly people turned against me. Girls started spreading rumors about me. An older guy there had asked me out and I had turned him down. So he had started spreading rumors about me. Even the group of friends I trusted helped fuel rumors against me. This was very saddening for me. It reminded me of how my friends had bullied me in school and how even my best friend had turned against me in high school and how so many groups of people had bullied me. I had thought university might be different for me. But I was wrong. I was victimized at university too. I felt something was wrong with me. I felt I could not fit in anywhere. I felt my luck was cursed. I got so depressed I tried to kill myself by swallowing pills. However my mother made me vomit.

Anyway I returned to university and fought to carry on. I stopped trusting people and shut out people from my life. I felt no one could be trusted. I did not hangout at all. I used to go to university, take my classes and come back home. Then one day I got too tired of struggling. So I dropped my semester. I sat at home and cried all the time thinking how ugly I was. I joined my university the next semester, but again I dropped even that semester because it was too hard for me to face people. I did not have the strength to get up each day. Many times I decided to start all over again by pursuing my interest in arts and going to an art college, but each time my relatives jumped in to stop me and to criticize me. So I kept dragging and dragging this degree painfully. I have completed all my courses with great difficulty but an internship  requirement is left. It took me more years than normal people to do all this. Each day was hard for me. I used to break down in car while going for classes. I would cry in bathroom. During this entire time, I did not hang out with even a single person, I did not attend any event and did not even attend even my own fairwell or welcome party.

Currently, I am in a horrible condition.  I hate my face so much that I cannot stand to even look at my face for one second in mirror. I feel that my face is very asymmetrical. I feel my facial skin and muscles droop on one side while one side is firm which makes half of my face look too old. This might also be true because I get seizures including facial seizures which can cause this condition. My teeth are still as bad and I am still undergoing endless treatment on them. I am in a lot of pain because of them too. Apart from that, there are various other aspects of my look that I hate such as my nose, my receded chin and so on.

Even worse, my condition is worsening day by day. I get seizures and epileptic attacks. I get seizures where I am unable to control my hand and leg movements or even my facial movements. In that condition, often my voice changes and I say weird things or do weird things. I talk as if I am someone else which could point to either epilepsy mixed with schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or some kind of demonic possession. But I am always aware of whatever happens during my seizure. I am aware of things I say or the movements that happen to me. It feels like the real me is locked up inside my brain or somewhere inside me and silently watching all the suffering happening to me but cannot say or speak anything. Mostly, my seizures are triggered when I am feeling sad about my ugliness and after I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or touch my face and feel my facial asymmetry. Examples of various things that I have said during this condition are:

‘’Leave this house or else I will kill your daughter.’’

“We have been ordered by Iblees (the satan) to kill this girl because if we do not kill her she will kill us as she will be present at the time of Dajjal (an Islamic trial).’’

‘’look there’s Jibrael (an Islamic angel) standing right there’’

Other things that I have done during this state include singing aloud either self-created songs right at that moment or songs that I like, laughing aloud, crying aloud, choking and feeling a strange pressure in my body which sometimes moves in my abdomen or back or neck or even legs and hands and face.

Apart from this, an even more frightening incident which has happened with me several times includes attacks that are sexual in nature by an invisible entity. I do not know if the attacks are demonic in nature or if they are a psychological creation of my own mind. The nature of the attacks is that I feel as if something has penetrated me sexually and invisibly. My legs get opened and I feel sexual pleasure and as if something is being inserted in me. During all these cases, I am fully conscious and in my senses and I can say with 100% guarantee that these incidents are not self-caused or masterbation.

I am scared of the dark because whenever it is dark I feel as if I see dark long shadows. I recall that the first ever time when I saw a shadow was when I was in school and was a teen. I was sleeping with lights off and suddenly I felt a presence beside me and when I opened my eyes I saw a black shadow right next to me and I screamed. Therefore now I keep lights on and I freak out as soon as electricity goes out. Apart from that I also see weird dreams. For example, I saw a dream in which demons were sitting on my bed side and no matter how much I burned them with a stick of fire, they would wake up again. Another time I saw a dream where I was captured and taken to an island and I was told this is the island where dajjal is kept and I was bound and raped there. These are just a few examples of the nightmares I get.

Often when I close my eyes during seizures or otherwise, I see strange things. For example, black mountains, an island with long palm type trees next to a shore, a deserted area with mountains, a partition of sea with one sea dark and one sea light, a man with a white beard and a turban kind of thing riding a horse and leading other men on horses with black beards and passing between mountains in a desert. I am scared of sleeping because when I sleep I start seeing evil faces. For example, faces with horns, with blacked out eyes, goat heads, pentagon shaped stars, a woman with very long dark black hair brushing them sitting near a dressing table and laughing and other scary faces which are very unusual looking. I feel unusual things when I am sleeping, for example an evil laugh in my ear, or as if someone has placed a hand on my forehead and so on. I also feel things crawling inside me, especially in my back. It is a very uncomfortable and sick feeling because it comes and goes away on its own.

Recently I felt like something was being sucked out of me and my head brain almost shut down and I felt I was dieing. I even told my parents that I was dying, recited kalma and they sat beside me. I closed my eyes but then woke up. that was strange. I felt I was dying. How could I be alive then!

I have undergone various types of treatments, both medical as well as spiritual. I have visited various psychologists and psychiatrists. I have also visited various religious people. Medical practitioners diagnose me with psychological disorders and spiritual ones diagnose me with demonic possession or black magic.  However none of them has been able to help me so far. There was a religious man who found objects of magic in my home and removed them yet I am sick. There was another religious group who claimed to expel demons from my body yet I am worsening. I have listened to ruqya audios (Islamic exorcism) but neither has that helped me.There was a psychologist who tried to treat me and I have been to psychiatrists whose medicines have never helped me. Neither anti depression nor anti-anxiety medicines has ever helped me.

It has been almost a decade and I have not come out of my locked room. I just stay isolated in one room. I feel miserable. I feel ugly. I cannot bear the sight of my ugly and asymmetrical face. Sometimes I come out of my room to go into another room to listen to music where I sing along. I love music. It touches my heart. Sometimes I feel my singing voice becomes professional all of a sudden. As if I have been trained for years and years. At that time I feel I could defeat any rock singer because I get a never ending stamina where I could sing countless songs in a stretch at and not get tired with very quick voice transition from low to high. Sometimes I find that strange.

It breaks my heart into tiny pieces thinking how I will never have any future or happiness of any sort. I know I will never have a family because no man will marry a sick woman like me. Even if he does, he cannot trust such a woman to bring up children neither can his family. I know it will be failed marriage. I know I can never have a career or a job because I cannot even meet my relatives let alone strangers. I start shivering out of anxiety whenever I have to meet people and I just stay locked alone.

It also breaks my heart that Allah did not help me even though He could. I know I should not question faith like this but I have my reasons. I want to know why did Allah chose to see me suffer. I want to know why does the Quran and Hadith say things like ‘’Allah loves more than 70 mothers’’ or things like he who sees torture happening to others and does not intervene is torturer himself, or that Allah answers prayers when you honestly cry and pray in late hours. I try to pray 5 times a day. I recite Quran with translation. I have never been physical with any male. I have never partied, or drank alcohol or committed any grave sin. Yet I beg Allah for forgiveness everyday and ask him to help me. I even asked him that if he cannot help me then he should give me strength to bear all this pain or take away my life. Yet He did not help me.

It further breaks my heart that no one cares about me. No One wants to help me. My parents know they can help me. They have money. They can help me change the things I do not like about myself and they can atleast take me abroad for treatment. They think giving me food and praying for me or skipping their work a day or two is more than enough to help me. They do not understand that the main task of parenthood is to solve their children’s problems and to help them become healthy. Neither do I have any older sibling who could help me. I just have one younger brother who keeps busy in his gyming, computer games, guitar, friends and other things and has never bothered to help me. Sometimes when I get a severe seizure and my parents ask for his help he comes for a few minutes but then he goes away.  Even worse, I do not have any friends who could help me. Sometimes I feel as if I am the loneliest and most helpless person on earth. I feel that 10 years ago when I locked myself in the room and refused to get out and cried day and night, my family should have helped me back then. They should have got in and asked me what is wrong and tried to fix my life. Or at least a few years down the road they should have listened to what I said and tried to help me. But they did not. I feel as if they have become stone hearted or habitual of seeing me suffer. Their eyes are blind to the sight of me lying down on floor and sobbing uncontrollably for hours repeating over and over again that no one is kind enough to help me and that I do not want to live. I always have a blank stare look on my face.

I feel very heartbroken at how unfair life is. I see people my age happy and healthy all around. They have flourishing careers. They have good mental health and physical health. All my cousins are happy and healthy. None of them is going through what I am going through. Neither is any of the people that I know. I am the only one. I feel cursed and unlucky. I ask myself why me? People do not know how hurtful it is to see everyone around you so happy and living while you are slowly dying.

Lately I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Life has become very painful for me. I am helpless. It hurts me when people think what I am going through is self-created or something that I can overcome with my will power or just snap out of it. People do not realize what it is like to experience what I am experiencing. They will only be able to understand this when this happens to them. Just imagine how depressed people get when they feel only one kind of pain. Imagine the pain of a woman who cannot give birth. Imagine the pain of a man who is unemployed. Imagine the pain of someone who does not have any friend. Imagine the pain of someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. Imagine the pain of someone who is insane. Imagine the pain of someone who feels physical pain in his body. Imagine the pain of someone who is raped. Imagine the pain of someone who cannot be married. And I could list a million more pains like this. But I will not. All I will say is that, my pain is made up of all these pain combined together. I feel physical pain in my body during seizures. I feel unbearable pain in my mouth due to which I find it hard to speak which has not cured in over a decade. I feel the mental torment of finding my face hideous. I feel the pain that occurs from knowing that I will not be able to marry or have a family ever like women do. I feel the pain from knowing I will not be able to hold a job. I feel the pain from being subjected to those invisible sexual attacks that I cannot explain. I feel the pain from knowing that there is a family around me that is blind and deaf to me and does not help me. I feel the pain from knowing that Allah can see all this yet chooses to not help me. I often feel people who die in bomb blasts or fires or who are shot feel pain for only few minutes or days. But what about people like me who are cursed to decades of never ending pain?

I want to die. If suicide was not haram I would have committed it long ago. Many times I have been on the brink of suicide. I have found myself with a knife to my wrist, I have swallowed pills, I have tried to choke myself to death. But each time I stop because it is a grave sin. I do not know how to die without making it a sin. If I pay someone to kill me that would be a suicide too. But I really do not want to live anymore because I know I will get worse and I do not have any more courage left to bear any more pain. I want to go into a coma. Or die. My grandmother is up there with Allah. Her spirit must exist in another dimension. I pray that if she can hear me she should request Allah to take away my life. I hope Allah does not bring suffering on me in my grave or the next life because I have suffered too much in this world. other times I wish I could dig a hole and bury myself in it. Then there are times when I wish I'd drown in an ocean and fish could eat my body so that no one could locate even a part of me. But most times, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

I feel sorry at myself. I could have been something great. I was so bright. I was the brightest student in my school. I was so talented. What a waste. What an absolute waste. There are so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to travel to pretty places. I wanted to lie in meadows with flowers around me. I wanted to surf in high waves. I wanted to look at a blue whales in an ocean and how they throw out jet of water. I wanted to help people around. Maybe even be a doctor. I wanted to marry a good loyal man. But really, what is left of me now? A hideous, possibly schizophreniac and insane girl with a dead heart and brain whom nobody cares about or wants to help and who is too weak to help herself on her own and is very keenly waiting for death. I Am waiting for the day when I go to sleep and never wake up again.

Do you have any advice for me that can help me? Do you??

tortured soul











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48 Responses »

  1. Assalamolaikum Sister ,

    I think some brothers/sisters will reply you in a detailed way with useful suggestions, Insha Allah .

    What i can suggest you is

    1)Stop staying alone in a room

    2)Don't sleep alone

    3)Stay in a group .I know you had difficulties in making friends but just try to find some one who can be a descent friend .

    4)Involve yourself in social activities .Helping others brings happiness to ourselves .

    5)Whoever is making fun of person because of her look and personality is doing a great sin as Allah has created that person . Allah doesn't reward people based on looks .Allah will look at the Imaan and actions of people . Remember Hazrat Bilal (Raziallahu tala) was black and ugly but Allah gave him such a higher position in Islam .

    6)Suicide is haraam in Islam and whoever does it will burn in hell forever .So please never think about it .
    Life is a test .It will pass whether you are good looking/bad looking ,rich or poor .Obeying Allah and prophet(SAS) will give you success in this world and after this world .

    7)You are facing some difficult challenges and Allah will reward you for those challenges if you face it bravely and stick to path of Islam .

    8)Subscribe yourself to some madrasa and get more knowledge about islam .

    I pray for you and insha allah ,Allah will make things easy for you .

    Please note that you are not alone .I am your brother in Islam who will pray and wish good for you .There are thousands of such brothers/sisters who wants good for you and will remember you in their prayer .
    May Allah bring peace to you .

    • Walaikum Assalam brother!

      Thank you for responding.

      1. Yes I have been trying to not stay alone in room and try to come out to interact with my parents but whenever I try I always get an anxiety attack and severe depression and I have to go inside again. I get angry at the sight of my family because they did not help me and I start shaking if I see someone other than family. I cannot bear how my face has become so ugly.

      2.Yes at night I ask my mother to sleep with me but still my sleep is always broken. I feel depression even in sleep.

      3. How can I find a good group when I get so sick even if I see other people for a minute? Also, where can I find good loyal helpful friends?

      4. You mentioned Hazrat Bilal. He was only dark skinned. But my face has become crooked and asymmetrical and my teeth have destroyed. Is this not much ugliness for a girl than only black skin? I cannot even bear the sight of my face. And I do not understand why my parents are not helping me have surgery and all. Don’t they think about my marriage. No one will marry me like this.

      5. Yes suicide is haram that’s why I have not done it yet. But I am losing my courage day by day as pain is increasing….

      6. Allah may be testing me. But I have been bearing all this for 12 years now brother. Can a test be so long?

      Please remember me in prayers!

      • Sister ,

        Make good friends .Good means friends who think mainly about Akhirat and not about world and its desires .

        1)If you get involved in some groups who are actively giving dawath i think it will keep you active and also nobody will talk about look as it is given by Allah . Just go and search in your local area .Google such groups also ..

        2)You have some problem so now go visit and analyze much bigger problems so that your problems should look smaller to you .

        Go and visit orphanages where you see small kids without parents suffering , Go and visit kids hospitals you will smaller kids getting surgeries for various abnormalities, Go and see accidental cases where people end up with one leg ,no legs , Visit and see patients diagnosed with diseases like cancer ,AIDS etc etc who are just counting their days .
        Read about child trafficking in Asia ,How innocent kids are trafficked to rich countries ,exposed ,raped ,tortured and sent in to prostitution ...Do you think your problems are still bigger then them ?

        3)There is always blessing in disguise .Allah has given an opportunity for you to do Jihad here .That Jihad is self struggle and fight negativity keeping the rope of Allah firmly in your hand ...Say in another 2-3 years you will successfully fight it out and win this it will be a great achievement for you ....
        There are lot of good looking girl who end up in Zina and haraam actions so this turned out to be bad for them if you think about akhirat .So Good looks are not blessing always .

        Some of good looking people like actors,actress we see are in to that profession which is haraam .Some of them have acted in movies with sex scenes ,vulgarities,shirk ,blasphemy etc etc . People when they watch their movies generation till generation all sins will be in their account ...So good looks are not always blessing .

        4)Also please note more difficult the test here in this world more easy will be answering in Akhirat .

        5)Which country you stay ? I think you will find some groups who are actively involved in Dawah in your local area ,starts interacting with them and get involved as i said before .....Visit orphanages,cancer centers etc etc ..

        6)Patience is key for everything .
        Allah will reward those who have patience with a threefold reward: blessings, mercy and guidance.
        The angels will salute the people of patience in Jannah:
        Allah has made patience a condition of receiving many blessings:
        Allah praised Ayyoob [alayhissalaam] for his patience:
        إنا وجدناه صابرا نعم العبد إنه أواب
        “…Indeed, We found him patient, an excellent servant. Indeed, he was one repeatedly turning back [to Allah]. “ [Sad 38:44].

        Allah described Ayyub [alayhissalaam] as excellent because of his patience, so the person who fails to exercise patience when it is necessary will be regarded as a failure and a sinner.
        Read below regarding patience and rewards

  2. Assalam Alaikum. While posting a reply what should I fill in Website Column after I have filled in email address and name. M posting reply for the first time and I need help reg this. TIA

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    From your description of some of the events you experience, I wonder if you might be having temporal lobe seizures and/or non-epileptic attacks? Temporal lobe seizures can cause people to say and do things that seem unusual or bizarre, and they can cause people to perceive things differently - this is because the seizure is affecting the parts of the brain that usually control perceptions and awareness. Non-epileptic attacks are also known as psychogenic seizures, and occur when a person's anxiety/stress levels reach that person's 'crisis point' - rather than having a physical trigger, the trigger is psychological; similarly, a person can say, do and feel strange things during these attacks.

    If you have access to a doctor who specialises in epilepsy, they may be able to assess you for these and if they feel these could be contributing to your problems, they could inshaAllah start appropriate treatment. You may also want to ask your doctor to review your other medication - it may be that they can find a treatment that helps lift you out of this dark place you're in.

    And sister, you really need to come out of your isolation. Being alone may well be making your mental and physical health worse - you're feeling alone with your negative thoughts, there's nobody available to challenge your perceptions of things, you probably aren't eating right, or getting enough sunlight or exercise. I know that it will probably be very hard, but try to come out a little bit each day and build up.

    I don't know what you look like in reality, but I can assure you that nobody else will be as critical of you as you are of yourself - we tend to be our own worst critics, and with nobody there to tell you otherwise, you've probably developed a very negative view of yourself. If you need reconstructive surgery for your health, that's permitted in Islam (it's not the same as cosmetic surgery, as it's to restore function rather than out of vanity). If you're self-conscious about something like your chin or your face shape, look for different hair and hijab styles which can inshaAllah flatter things you like and even out things you don't (for instance, you can get a big difference in how a scarf frames your face by tying it in a different way).

    Allah created us all and knows the truth of who we are. You are never truly alone when you have faith in Him.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Yes it might be medical seizures. The doctors will soon do my brain test or something to check me. And yes my seizures usually occur either when I see my face in mirror or touch and feel it or when I listen or recite more Quran.

      I try to come out of isolation but if I try my condition gets worse. I shake when I have to talk to other people. I get angry at sight of my parents. I feel depressed when I see other normal and good looking people. I get a seizure if I catch a glimpse of me in mirror. This is why I get isolated again. I am in a vicious self perpetuating cycle and I do not know how to get out of it. 🙁

      • Dear Sister,
        As-salamu Alaykum,

        I agree very much with Midnightmoon's statements above. As you seem to be aware, epilepsy can take many forms, and seizures can result in disturbing thoughts and odd behaviors in addition to other symptoms. When seizures are left untreated, one can suffer from such disturbances for prolonged periods, which can be detrimental to one's mental and emotional states.

        In my opinion, you should print out what you have written on this website and share it with a trustworthy and knowledgeable doctor who specializes in epilepsy and other neurological issues. You may also wish to share your post with your parents so that they can understand you better. If I am not mistaken, Midnightmoon is herself a doctor, so you may wish to share her response with your parents as well.

        I do not know what type of care you have received for your epilepsy until now and whether you like and trust your doctor. It may be that you need to start fresh with a skilled neurologist who is not biased by past interactions with you and your family. You may also benefit from a clean slate regarding medications and a treatment plan. Whatever the case is, though, make sure that your doctor is someone you are able to speak to and confide in.

        There are many effective treatments out there for epilepsy and related issues. Unfortunately, different people respond differently to different medications and treatments, and it can sometimes take a year or two for a patient to find the right treatment and stabilize. You have to be patient during this process, but you also have to be proactive by telling the doctor when a particular treatment is not working for you. If you're not feeling better within a reasonable time, it is important for you to speak up and tell the doctor. Actually, one of the things you should be asking your doctor is what type of results you should expect with a particular medication and how long you should wait before deciding whether or not it is working. Work WITH the doctor, and do not be passive about your care. When epilepsy and other problems are uncontrolled, it can seem like there is no hope, but you can get better, Insha'Allah, with the right approach.

        You may further wish to join an on-line group or forum for people with epilepsy. Such groups are often good as a source of support and information. There are also epilepsy organizations and hotlines in the US and UK that you may wish to investigate.

        Regarding the other issues with your parents, try to have patience and speak to them. If you have not clearly articulated your feelings to them, they may not understand everything you are thinking and feeling. Parents sometimes feel helpless, too, if a child seems depressed or does not interact with them in a normal manner. Maybe they have valid reasons for not doing the medical procedures related to your appearance, and this is something that should be discussed in a mature manner. The reason I suggested sharing your post with them is because it may give your parents a better picture of how you feel regarding everything that is going on in your life. Parents don't always have all of the answers and may also not be fully educated or aware regarding the mental and physical issues affecting their children. Since you are old enough to have a mature relationship with your parents, you need to push yourself to change the dynamics that currently exist in your home. You can succeed at this, Insha'Allah, but again you will have to be proactive and fight the urge to be passive.

        I pray that things will improve for you and hope that you will find solutions to the problems that are currently affecting your outlook on life.

        • Okay I will print out whatever I wrote and share it with psychologist.

          But I do not understand one thing. How can the sexual attacks be linked to seizures or epilepsy? Is that epilepsy too? I am unmarried and virgin. I do not even have a boy friend and have never been touched by a man. Yet I feel an invisible thing having sex with me! and it is very scary!! 🙁

          • Sister, I am on a mobile device and can't write too much, but look up "sleep paralysis" on Wikipedia. Also read the page about the so-called "Incubus," especially the scientific explanation (not the scary stuff, which has no basis in fact). If you want to understand even more about hallucinations and how they can be related to epilepsy and other neurological conditions, read "Hallucinations," a book by Oliver Sacks. You will not be disappointed.

            Regarding the doctor, it's important to see a neurologist who specializes in epilepsy and sleep disorders. Psychologists aren't really the best people to treat such conditions. Neurologists look for physical causes for problems (diseases of the brain), while psychologists look for mental/psychological causes. There is a place for both, but a neurologist is the only one who can diagnose and treat epilepsy, which should be a priority for you, Insha'Allah.

          • But the attacks happen when I am awake and in full senses, not while sleeping or dreaming....

  4. Asalamu alikum,

    I am sorry you are going through all this. I cant imagine how hard your life has been up to this point.

    But i want to say something. Did Allah promise that this life is all about happiness and joy? did he promise that you will have soo much fun and wont struggle at all? NOPE.

    Everyone struggles my dear. You may feel you struggle more than others, but everybody is being tested. You are being tested right now- and you have to make a decision. What is the purpose of life my dear? to have so much fun, money, and health? NOPE. We all are going to get old, weak, have grey hair, have strange diseases. well it will happen to everyone.

    Do you sit in your room, cry and make your life all about feeling sorry for yourself? is that what life is all about?

    Well dont my dear. Remember that Allah does not burden a soul more than he/she can bear. Allah knows you are strong and is testing you because he loves you and knows you can handle it.

    I highly reccomend you start loving your face. I mean it. love yourself the way Allah created you. Give yourself time to greive, time to feel sad, but dont let it linger.

    Look to other people who are suffering more than you, please go volunteer at a hospital and help out sick people who are dying. People who are hungry, and people who have less than you. You are sitting there just feeling sorry for yourself, and thinking you are the only one suffering- please dont think that. Get up, do something useful with your life- and make it meaningful.

    WE all dont know how long we are going to live, but the most important thing is to know that we made the most of our lives.

    And most of all my dear sister, stop comparing yourself to other. I will say it again- STOP COMPARING yourself to others. Dont do it. Thats the worst way to live. Who cares what your cousins may or may not do. or what their loves look like from the outside. All you can do, is live fully, happily, and just accpet who you are.

    Maybe take the time to learn about your facial condition and seizures and take the time to educate others about it, and do someting to bring awarness to it-rather than hiding and crying and thinking you are the only one suffering- because i am sure other peope have this.

    I knew a friend who also had seizures and half of his face was exprensionless. He still got married, he has a child, he geos outside- does sports and lives a full life.

    So in the end my dear. DOnt let your breaths and your life life go to absolute waste. Go volunteer, go meet people who need your help, live a lif a purpose and always remember that Allah is testing you because he loves you so much and wants you to go to Jannah.

    Turn to Allah, ,make lots of dua, the more dua the better.

    Also, for sleeping, please read the dua before sleeping. it helps.

    May Allah help you my dear and make your affairs easy.

    • I know Allah did not promise joy and that Allah tests. But it hurts a lot to see everyone else around me happy healthy and pretty. Why did not all this happen to them. Also, I have been bearing all this for 12 years now. How can a test be so long.

      From what I know, Allah says He accepts dua if servants cry and sincerely pray. I have begged him for 12 years. Then why am I getting worse. I do not understand this.

      I do not know how to start living in this condition. I have been praying. I have also been taking medical help. I do not know how else to get cured. 🙁

      • 12 years is long sister? Sister you have only lived for 25 years in total, people have suffered for much longer. Again, go outside your home, meet other people.

        Because 12 years is not long sister. Go to the cancer ward where people have been given a grim life sentence, and they are suffering. Go to someone who has lost their legs, and cant walk. Go to someone who has lost their eyesight and cant see the world. Why dont you compare yourself to those people?

        What about the Prophet Ishaaq who had children at 100 years old! He was a prophet and Allah loved him, but he didnt give him children until he was a very very old age. Allah knows why he testes other for longer or shorter. There is a wisdom behind it.

        What about the prophet JOb who lost his family, wealth, home, and health- for many many years he suffered- yet he still turned to Allah.

        Read up on those people sister. They are a great example for us.

        Read the quran, everyday with tranlation. I highly recomend you listen to Nouman Ali khans free podcasts about the tafseer of the quraan. There are many beautiful stories there. I highly highly recomment those podcast- or even he has a bayinah TV- where he has the whol quraan for tafseer. Knowledge is power.

        Keep your mind busy with good thoughts sister, comparing, jealousy, feeling pity for your self- it doesnt do anything productive.

        Shaitan is the one who wants you to dispair and and say "why me! this is so unfair!" He loves it, because it means you have given up on Allahs mercy. Never ever give up.

        There is a statement that i always think- trust in Allah. That is what a beleiver has to truly truly beleive and absorb. That everything is in Allah's hands, and he gives and takes away for reasons that you may not know. You will never know, Only Allah knows.

        But your job as a Muslim is to just say Alhamdulilah, Praise be to God, this is my test and this is my condition- i will try my best to live a life of purpose and do good with the time i have been given- and that it- and thats really all that anyone can do. I really love this sheik- this is a lil clip- but i think it sums up what i am trying to say.

        Most importantly sister. Stop living only for yourself and living inwardly and introvertly. YOu need to look outside, help others, be of service to your community and be a person of purpose.

        And for the cure- you keep making dua. visit docotors, advocate for yourself and look out for your medical needs as well. There may be a cure, there may not be a cure- but you have to do something with your life whether there is a cure or not.

        • Sister I already read Quran with translation and do other things.

          you mention cancer and all. but are these people not in a much easier test than me? In a way they have been told by Allah they do not have much time to live. So for one, there pain is lessened as they will die soon. Secondly, they know how much time they have and they can do good deeds accordingly as they have been blessed the knowledge of death in a way. Thirdly, it is one type of pain.

          I am not being unthankful Allah forbid. But what about me? I have physical pain as well as emotional now. I get hospitalized all the time. I cannot even speak a lot of times due to teeth pain. My medical condition has made me lose my looks. and I even get epilepsy and seizures in addition to this. Plus, what do I do about those invisible sexual attacks? Trust me I recite surahs even during that but it does not stop!! 🙁

  5. Salaam Sister,

    From what I've read so far, I would suggest you do Ruqya everyday untill you get cured.

    May Allah make take your difficulties away.

    • Brother, I listen to ruqya audio everyday for around 3 hours. I have a lot of audios. I listen to them all.

      Apart from that even myself I recite the surahs that are used in ruqyah.

      But still I am getting worse. What to do now?? Do you recommend some other ruqyah? Can you name it and guide please?

      • Dear Sister,

        Thanks for responding to my advise. I would suggest you recite the Surahs you normally use from Ruqyah, as long as the Ruqyah is Surahs from the Quran then it's fine.

        Keep praying atleast your 5 farz prayers on time and keep reciting Quran/Ruqyah, also keep making dua.

        You will be cured Inshallah. You won't feel like it but even if you are being cured 1% in 1 month then it's a cure. It won't seem much now, but if you keep reading Quran/Ruqyah then slowly but surely you will get cured.

        Try to refresh and perfect your recitation of the Quran by joining Quran learning classes.

        In the mean time, listen to the lectures on Youtube regarding Jannah, because that is where we all gonna go Inshallah. That is our final destination Inshallah. It will make you feel better once you start hearing the description of Jannah/Paradise.

        May Allah remove all your difficulties.

  6. Walaikum Assalam brother!

    Thank you for responding.

    1. Yes I have been trying to not stay alone in room and try to come out to interact with my parents but whenever I try I always get an anxiety attack and severe depression and I have to go inside again. I get angry at the sight of my family because they did not help me and I start shaking if I see someone other than family. I cannot bear how my face has become so ugly.

    2.Yes at night I ask my mother to sleep with me but still my sleep is always broken. I feel depression even in sleep.

    3. How can I find a good group when I get so sick even if I see other people for a minute? Also, where can I find good loyal helpful friends?

    4. You mentioned Hazrat Bilal. He was only dark skinned. But my face has become crooked and asymmetrical and my teeth have destroyed. Is this not much ugliness for a girl than only black skin? I cannot even bear the sight of my face. And I do not understand why my parents are not helping me have surgery and all. Don't they think about my marriage. No one will marry me like this.

    5. Yes suicide is haram that's why I have not done it yet. But I am losing my courage day by day as pain is increasing....

    6. Allah may be testing me. But I have been bearing all this for 12 years now brother. Can a test be so long?

    Please remember me in prayers!

  7. asalam alaikum sister
    first of All keep strong in iman billah , just believe what ever happen to us that is for our ( muslims ) betters. i read your post twice , three times . really i dont know how to explain my feelings towards you . but let me tell you that when ever you felt alone just remember that i'm your brother , friend , best friend, secret keeper .
    about your situation first of all you have to know that medical world and rohany world don't accept each other. the rohany situation is described in medical as psychological case. and they relay on relaxation kind of medicine. not a general idea but in person what i think your situation is rohany. you said that you went for mulla's or whome ever to recite quran or ruqia shareaa to check if there is jin or what ever bad powers . if nothing happens that means they were not eligible one ( just an opinion ) . try to look for some one relevant to rohany knowledge.i know a person and i have ruqia for a few mashaikh like Mahir al ma eqli, saad al ghamdi and al affasi etc. just what you need to do get a head phone speakers and close your eyes , but i dont know how to transfer it to you. and sorry for grammatical mistakes as english is not my language. i will remember you in my prayers.
    PS: you mentioned about your face and teeth and skin fairness, my advise is for you that you should read about LUQMAN HAKEEM , Sayedena Bilal and others i dont remember them at the moment . just compare in there physical structure and there status in islam. say Alhamd o lillah that Allah gave you hands to rais them to Allah , Say Alhamd o lillah you have All parts of your body in good condition that you can pray , you can walk , you can talk, you can listen , you can think , you can taste, you can and you can and you can........ so dont let shetan and waswas overcomes you. be strong and just remember what ever pain you are suffering is for your goodness. here is a short life i pray for your long and better life in jannah.
    your brother and well wisher

    • salam brother,

      I have ruqya audio too. and I listen to it for hours while keeping eyes closed. So far it has not cured me.
      Yes I have been to a lot of religious people. But still not cured. Most religious people say I am under the influence of bad jinns and lots of them. This is strange that whatever it is, it is not curing with medicine neither religious things. what now???

      • hmm sister actually i cant leave my contact on social sites , i dont know if the admin can give you my email or contact so i can give a try for your situation. who know's may be it works. or if i can upload the ruqya for Al Afasy or Saad Alghamdi. May Allah shower his blessing upon you and give you relief from the pain you suffer. and let me know which kind of ruqia you have i mean the name of the shaikh who's recite the ruqya.
        i pray for you good health.

  8. Yes it might be medical seizures. The doctors will soon do my brain test or something to check me. And yes my seizures usually occur either when I see my face in mirror or touch and feel it or when I listen or recite more Quran.......I try to come out of isolation but if I try my condition gets worse. I shake when I have to talk to other people. I get angry at sight of my parents. I feel depressed when I see other normal and good looking people. I get a seizure if I catch a glimpse of me in mirror. This is why I get isolated again. I am in a vicious self perpetuating cycle and I do not know how to get out of it.

    You seem to have a powerful mind but you use it to think negatively. You get depressed Your thoughts are not helping you but giving all kind of weird symptoms. Your seizures may be cured by fixing your teeth. I don't know why you got multiple root canal treatments. I think implants may be lot better.

    Your anxiety, depression and associated reactions have become habits. You probably can feel sick within seconds you start thinking of thoughts.

    • I don't think fixing teeth can cure seizures, but anything one can do to reduce anxiety would certainly help. It is a vicious cycle, and less stress and anxiety could result in better health and fewer seizures.

      I had some trouble with my teeth a couple of years ago, and the dentist was pretty adamant that I should keep my original teeth instead of having any removed. There may be valid medical reasons for that. When someone is so depressed about their appearance, however, it may be worth it to take the risk of implants. Whatever the case is, it is a discussion that needs to take place between the three parties (parents, dentist, and OP) so that the OP finds relief from this issue. She obviously feels wronged regarding this issue, and her opinions and feelings should not be disregarded.

      • No I am not saying fixing my teeth will definately cure my seizures.
        But you do not get it. My teeth underwent and abnormal accident after which my upper teeth bone started reducing and resorbing. and my teeth that were damaged kinda rotted in color and I have so much pain I talk with difficulty. Even in Islam such things need to be fixed. and obviously that causes me anxiety too as it makes me look ugly 🙁

        • Sister, I agree with you that treatment for your teeth may help you. In your opinion, why don't your parents think it's a good idea? What did they say? And what did the doctor or dentist say?

          • Dentists and doctors say it should be done. But my case is so complicated that no matter how they try to cure my teeth, they are not curing!
            I have been under treatment for so many years yet problem not solving. Infact it is getting worse in every way.
            Parents seem tired of trying. They do not seem to care anymore I think. They know I think that I cannot get well. I ask them to take me to some other good doctor or other country for treatment but they ignore it.

  9. tortured soul: trying to not stay alone in room and try to come out to interact with my parents but whenever I try I always get an anxiety attack and severe depression and I have to go inside again. I get angry at the sight of my family because they did not help me and I start shaking if I see someone other than family. I cannot bear how my face has become so ugly.

    You get angry at your parents for not helping you. Now you are unable to help yourself, do you get angry at yourself.

    How your face has become ugly? The only way you can change is to face your fears. Your anxiety is based on false fears.

  10. Assalamualiakum warahmatullah wabarakatuh

    Sister you r girl of 21st century.Well Educated MashaaAllahh. Brilliant student, Genius Girl with different Skills MashaaAllahh.
    Sister I have realized reading your story that you are encompassed within complexes since your childhood you developed complex due to your less height . Believe me sister beauty is not about Height .Short girls seems more cute than tall girls. it 's the height of injustice on the part of your parents they must have realized you all the significant skills you owned and all distinct abilities you.had instead of pointing out your height
    Secondly you must not hate yourself
    Atleast you are not mentally retarded
    Atleast you have no mutilated lips
    You have a voice
    Atleast you are not flat nose
    I have personally seen Such people going fast in the race of life
    They have no complex regarding their looks rather they are more confident because they show themselves as they are
    This is what and how they are
    They are confident enough to live a family life
    So plz sister remove all these negative thoughts from your concious
    It will help you to stand up
    Further I will suggest u some activities you urgently need to get involved
    Start with your painting and sketching skills
    Sketch nature
    Paint scenery
    Create a group and your personal page on facebook

    Start working on it
    Buy a high quality camera
    Take pictures of your own work
    Upload regularly
    InshaaAllahh you will get a boosting response within days
    Use an attractive and intellectual name fir your group and page
    It shall provide u a healthy activity good and encouraging company
    Even if u r discouraged somewhere atleast you will not hold it responsible your looks or face and this way
    You will be able to utilize and enhance your skills instead of being locked up and cry seeing yourself that is most elf destructive it really hurts me knowing all this
    Secondly come out to your yard in sunlight
    Ask your dad to bring u pets like a cute cat some parrots and hens and peacocks ...... they will never ever let u to feel your loneliness believe me it will help u come out of this dark phase I have my own experience of being alone these pets will love u alot they are much better than humans
    Moreover plz start covering yourself I have seen girls who have thick hair on their face and chin they wear colorful scarf put on veil in decent manner they observe sharai hjaab it blesses them their confidence
    Never show your face to any non mehram
    On other hand you will feel secured and peaceful in a veil going outside

    Now plz be attentive the most important cure you need ,no doubt is Quran
    I concluded reading about seizure and invisible attacks that you are actaully effected by Jins satans. one of my friends suffered same invisible sexual attacks during sleep she started reciting ayatul kursi surah mulk surah falaq surah naas and suurah ikhlaas the last two verses of surah albaqarah and last ruku of surah Aal e imraan
    she is fine Alhamdulellah
    sister you need to join ALHUDA International institute of Islamic education for women. there must be a branch in your city .
    U need to look out for your city branch
    I promise you nob'dy will have a second curious or weird look on your face,there
    You need to learn Quran with proper and real tajvid
    It shall have a solid effect over evil spirits wandering in your house whenever you will recite at your home loudly
    Keep reciting albaqarah it hinders satan entering houses
    Sister you are a creation of Allah all these evil spirits and jinnees and satan is also a creation of Allah
    He our lord has ultimate control over them plz do not be afraid plz donot give up being disapointed this is the thing
    Satan wants from you always and actually
    Sister plz stop listening music
    I wonder why did not any scholar forbid u
    you are not aware of the satanic effects of the music
    It. Is just poisonous for our Iman
    It invites satan
    It creates hypocrisy in heart against faith
    My dear strong sister just forget about listening songs as the evil spirits help u singing they and your voice they strengthen their shameless grip upon you while you listen to music
    Plz hate it
    As for as personal confidence is concerned believe me its only Quran that gives u much deepest knowledge about both the worlds life and ways to live life .....all this knowledge shall become a part of your mind thinkings and eventually of your personality so learn quran in its sense meanings contexts you will feel yourself precious distinct distinguished superior you shall see the world with new eyes
    My dear sister in islaam you need to gain knowledge of quran put your faith implement in your life and just become the helper of Allah to convey it to others those. Who are illiterate unlettered who cant write a sentence or read a verse
    You are not created to mourn over your creation or fate or to plan suicide!!!
    U have a bigger and supreme purpose forge about your deprivations or pain
    Think about the deprevation and pain of humanity those humiliated orphan children homeless people dying for alms. Put on your scarf get out of your home go to slum areas meet women over their share their grieve spend on them collect the love and pleasure in return save your recompense with Allah
    Come out of your dark room wander around the world of Allah see the beauty sketch it put on your page let others get benefited and entertained of your skills always remain thankfull join Alhuda treat yourself in unique and lively way. learn tafseer start art work 'n tafseer in best possible ways remember my strong sister Allah is your best friend stop crying love and live with your pets make them your friend life demands alot but rewards alot aswell I love u for the sake of Allah my dearie sister

  11. As Salam O Alaikum

    Dear Sister

    First and the foremost thing. Stop criticising yourself. You seems to be just too much obsessed about your Facial discription.

    Sister have a look at Mr. Stephan. Hawking what would you got to say about him ? Willpower matters. So stop that criticism. And dont be sad. Be Positive think positive and do Positive and then see how beautiful life is.

    Looks are not the one and only aspect of this beautiful life. Keep yourself busy. If you are suffering problems in University go for some Online Courses ( long distant Studies ). Sitting confined in one room and just thinking about the tooth part you will get engrossed more and more into it. So just give it a go and concentrate on other things.

    Also i would like to ask you, why do your parents deny your treatment several times as you have mentioned? What do they say about it if they are denying it ?

    You are trying to tell your brain that you are Ugly , you are rather forcing it. And since you are doing that , that is the very reason you are getting all those thoughts saved in your subconsious mind which later come out in some or the other form.

    I can understand what you must have gone through. But i wont show pity on you for that. You seem to be a very brave girl Masha ALLAH and you will overcome all this Insha ALLAH very soon. Just try to stay positive in your thinking. And dont stay confined to one room. Live your life to the fullest and let go off the negative thoughts and see how Positive vibes you get within.

    You will be remembered in my Prayers always. And am very sure down the line from today we all will see your next post here along with the Good News that you have coped up with all these difficulties and living lavishly all by ALLAHs grace.

    Lots of Regards and Best Wishes


  12. Do they test you for porphyria?

  13. Praise be to the Lord who created us.
    The Lord of All Realities.

    In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Most Compassionate.

    Peace be unto you sister.
    Seeing you story, i cannot help but wonder just how much similar we are in terms of experience. Yes, I too have been through the same conundrum as you. So perhaps you may relate to this story of mine.

    You see, when i was young. I too used to be like you in terms of academics. My parents raise me to be more inclined towards intellectual pursuit rather than having a freedom towards creative expression. They are rigid and stern. When i was young i rarely got the attention i needed from them since both of them are working. Instead i got them from nannies whom were hired by my parents. When my little brother was born, somehow they have changed. This time no more nanny to help them and now they have taken upon themselves to raise my brother. As expected i feel devastated by the love and care that they have shown to my brother. In fact i have tried to run away from my family several times without them knowing. Thank Allah, it did not happened.
    From here the question Why? Why me? appears in my mind.

    Like you, Ive always wanted to express my creativity. I loved it. I remember when i was in my kindergarten years, i was the most creative kid among my peers. My teachers back then suggested to my parents to send me to a nearby art school. But as you have already read, that did not happen. As i grew up, i realized my life has become dull. From first grade to sixth grade, i would take every opportunity i get to express my creativity. But during those period. I am disappointed. Why? You guess it. My parents wont approve it. They liked my works but it always end up with them saying stuff that art wont do anything good to me. I was terribly disappointed. Perhaps extremely now that i am able to recall it clearly.

    Beyond sixth grade, i can clearly remember i became an agnostic. I believe God exist but no one is sure about it. Why i became like this? Well to sum up all the experience that ive had up until sixth grade, ive been thaught to fear God. I am barely taught that God's mercy is beyond measure. All i know is that God loves to punish. Bear in mind, i attend muslim school, where the best student are prized and the one who are sincere but not bright, well lets just say subtly discarded or ignored. At home, my parents are non practicing, and most of the time relies on others to teach me about His Will. And so i end up concluding that the world is unfair and God has his favourites among us and I am not among them.

    After sixth grade and in my adolescent years, i became somewhat of a loner. I have friends but i do not trust them. They used to make fun of my attitude. I do not like to befriend people of opposite gender. And rumours start to spread that i am a person who likes and are attracted to the same gender. I felt very embarassed and frustrated. These served only to make me stay away from people more than i used to. I remember back then i was talking to myself how much i hate others and cried myself to sleep because i felt different. But despite their action, i continue to befriend them because i am afraid to be alone. No one will want to be with me. Since back then i thought God already have his favourites, i am not one of them. This scared me alot and contributes much to my severe depression in later years.

    in my late teen, i got myself in a relationship that ended up so badly, i went into depression and nearly killed myself in college. But Alhamdulillah, i did not do it. At this moment, my mother, whom perhaps Allah has opened her eyes to my condition eventually took me to see a specialist. There, i discovered the truth. And more of course. After much discussion i am able to pinpoint exactly why do things the way i do. It stems from my childhood. My beginnings. With mich haste, I began looking for answers in The Quran. I chose this as the first place because of my inclination to them. Even though i am an agnostic in my teen years, sometimes i read them because they make sense. But unfortunately, because of the reality of people (muslim and non muslim alike), my heart remain hesitant. To me Islam is them, my friends who has caused me so much pain diring that time.

    You see, i took the liberty of relating the events of my life to The Quran. And to my surprise, i found out ive been wrong the whole time. In fact im completely dumbfounded. Coupled with the hadith and life experience of Prophet Muhammad and of course all the Prophets i was able to realize all the things i went through is not a curse. In fact it is blessings upon blessings that only myself can see.

    Like you, i too have severe anxiety. You do know the shaking feeling of having to meet someone and afraid of them critisizing and even say things that make you sad right? Well i can give tons of examples of anxiety that i felt at that time that it simply wont fit this site. Haha.

    Well long story short, relating my life to the Quran and all the prophets. Bear in mind of all the prophets. Helps me to come out of this hell hole and recognize God as he truly is. All this time ive not able to give and recognize Allah as he truly is. The most merciful and most compassionate.

    Sister, when the tests become worst, kepp yourself strong and stronger still. Believe me ive asked the same questions as you. But realize this, Allah is always with you. The people that spread rumours about you and cause you pain? Look up the heavens and realize that the entire creation and heavens praises you for your determination by Allah's leave. For the groaning of a sincere believer is more beloved to Allah than a conceitful believer.

    Do not ever think that your ugliness is a curse. To Allah, it is His most beloved treasure. In the sight of people it is low, but in His the entire heavens cannot compete with yours. To be honest, many of my friends says i am beautiful, but ever since i realize the beauty of islam, my looks is now a problem. Gives me jothing more than headache. Remember the prophet Yusuf.

    And never give up hope. These tests will come harder and harder. And rest may come in between. Trust me, He smiles on you more than the friends of yours who have everything in life. They have the world but you, you have something that many will kill each other just to get them in the Hereafter. His Mercy. And of course His Smile.

    If you are able, never expect people to give you fully. Expect Allah to give you more. Not here. No. But in the hereafter. When we all stand accused by The One. Keep this in mind just to be safe.

    Sorry for then long post, i cant help it but post this for someone who had been through the same as me. And if theres any mistake it is mine. Sorry.


  14. Assalam wa alikum

    As many sisters pointed out there maybe a medical reasons for your condition but I would like you to keep reading the Quran with its translations and keep to your salah no matter what and maybe if you can't at home go to the mosque.

    I just want you to remember that you are not alone, Allah is always with you especially when you feel alone and I know you mentioned about jins, I just want you to know that jins are very very weak creatures even they are afraid of us as we can recite a surah and they cannot harm us or we can have a strong imam and they cannot bother us without Allah's permission and we can ask Allah to protect us and then we are protected.

    I am really sorry to hear about your state of depression, if a Doctor prescribe unti-depresent you should take it as it may help and far better then killing yourself which you know is a major sin. Everyone feels down sometime or other and for some people like you, it may last a long time but brush it of by remembering what you do have and thanking Allah for them. I don't have as much as everyone around me but I try hard to remember what I have and thank Allah I have them.

    Please create things to look forward to such as whatever your interest is, maybe plan a picnic with family or shopping trip or visiting a place you have not visited. When I am depressed I get angry and don't want to see people like everyone else but then I remember it is a test, all this is my test and then I force myself to talk to people and to go out and Alhamdulillah I feel better.

    InshaaAllah that everything me and the other sisters hear said helped in some way and that you feel better.

  15. OP: Apart from this, an even more frightening incident which has happened with me several times includes attacks that are sexual in nature by an invisible entity. I do not know if the attacks are demonic in nature or if they are a psychological creation of my own mind. The nature of the attacks is that I feel as if something has penetrated me sexually and invisibly. My legs get opened and I feel sexual pleasure and as if something is being inserted in me. During all these cases, I am fully conscious and in my senses and I can say with 100% guarantee that these incidents are not self-caused or masterbation.

    Do these attacks happen when you are halfsleep or dreaming? It is possible you have high desire for sex and this may just be a fantasy. Young men/boys often have wet dreams that involve some kind of sexual stuff in dream state.

    • As I replied above, this may have to do with a phenomenon known as sleep paralysis.

    • No the attacks never happen when I am sleeping or half awake.
      They always happens when I am FULL AWAKE and not dreaming at all. For example, I might be doing some kind of work and suddenly it happens or when I am depressed and cry after that it happens or when I am alone.

      • Sister it has been three years and I really wish you are reading this by the permission of the king, Allah SWT. Sister I am shocked at all the responses and how uneducated people are in relation to Jinn. Believing in Jinn/Spirits are a part of our faith and in fact an entire Surah in the Qur'aan is dedicated to them called Surah Jinn. Sister I will be recommending you to a YouTube channel and please try to watch every video on their, it is run by a very lovely brother called Abu Nadeer. The YouTube channel is called 'Abu Nadeer'. I will be recommending a video to you by Allah permission and grace, and the title should resonate with you by Allah's permission. It called "Facial paralysis"
        Sister for your own sake, I pray Allah SWT guides you and that he also may teach you this knowledge. Please have a look at this link sister:
        Sister please look through all of his videos Inshallahu Ta'ala. Fee Amanillah my beloved sister.

    • What if u are not preety,no problem, i love ur story,may ALLAH GIVE MY ALL HAPPINESS TO U INSHALLH , im 16 and a pakistani boy , im not pretty at all but my hense of humour is soo good and i make friends in no time because of my humour,so what if u are not pretty u must have any other ability like u can sing well or any thing else,plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz dont focus on ur face if we focus on it a lot we find some thing worng with ur face

      Just make friends increase ur sense of humour listen jokes and enjoy life ,inshallah. U will be married with a cool man ,dont worry about it
      Just leave ur tension of face and focus on ur study .Try to earn money and do surgery of ur face if u really want to do it . In my sisters class( universty there is a girl ).she is soo ugly but that girl has so many friends and still enjoys her life ,being pretty dont matters,why u are soooooooo much worrried about ur face .

      Plzzzzz i beg dont suicide plzzzzz there must be some thing good about u just find that thing and make other jealous of that ,there are soooo many boys in my school who look way better then me but there still jealous end of me because of my ability to talk and im rich, im really sooooo scared for u because u want to suicide ,plzzzz i beg dont do this.

      if i ever find a girl like u i will inshallah marry her give a lot of money to her and make her pretty if she says me,being pretty does not matters ,sooo plzzz stop all this,plan for ur futher leave ur past and our problems, u will be rewarded for ur patience,inshallah, u made me cry by heart,may Allah help u INSHALLH

      • Hello brother. I loved the reply you gave to this young lady. You sound like a wonderful and compassionate person. May Allah send angels to take care of this girl but also give you a wonderful. Please make dua for my daughters who are also gettint to a marriageable age and I wonder how hard it will be for me to find boys for them as one of my daughters is very short, barely five feet tall and all my family bugs her that no one will marry her because she is so tiny. May Allah protect us all and keep us in his mercy. Ameen.

  16. Sister,
    Of course I do not know for sure what the problem is, but there is a type of seizure called "simple partial" during which the person remains awake and may experience odd sensations. Read this for an overview:

    Regardless of what the cause actually is, you should definitely discuss it with a neurologist.

  17. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

    Dear Sister,

    Allah knows your pain,and there is always a reason behind every situation.

    I would suggest you few things try and see

    Our actions bring either barakah or evil

    All actions which Allah forbids will lead to unfavorable conditions ex. music,singing,wasting time with things which do not benefit in this world (pleasing Allah) and hereafter.

    I heard through pious ppl that when a person is v angry or v sad or v depressed or v happy like behaviour of not being in a stable condition this is the time jins attack.Or else they dont have power to attack.

    However you look,remember that we are just covered with skin and bones.A pious person described human as shit bag.Bcos we carry only waste. so it doesnt matter to Allah how we look.He only looks our action.

    Few things which will make you keep surrounded by angels.

    1.When a group of ppl do dhikr angel surrounds the group and they invite other angels and this way the group extends until sky. To do this since you are alone join with tabligh ppl houses.There every week they gather to read hadidth.They talk abt Allah and sunnah and to spread message to others.This way you will be protected.

    2.. when you travel there you will be considered as a person who is going out to learn deen.It is said in hadith that

    The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "He who follows a path in quest of knowledge, Allah will make the path of Jannah easy to him. The angels lower their wings over the seeker of knowledge, being pleased with what he does. The inhabitants of the heavens and the earth and even the fish in the depth of the oceans seek forgiveness for him. The superiority of the learned man over the devout worshipper is like that of the full moon to the rest of the stars (i.e., in brightness). The learned are the heirs of the Prophets who bequeath neither dinar nor dirham but only that of knowledge; and he who acquires it, has in fact acquired an abundant portion."

    [Abu Dawud and At- Tirmidhi].

    The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "The world, with all that it contains, is accursed except for the remembrance of Allah that which pleases Allah; and the religious scholars and seekers of knowledge."

    [At- Tirmidhi].

    3 .Do the same in your house aswell. Buy Munatakab Ahadith by moulana Yusuf (Rah) .
    Ask your mom,dad ,brother to spend some time reading this book daily. No matter who sits or not you continue reading .You will learn patience,love towards Allah & Rasool, in prayer, reciting Quran. Pray as you see Allah all the time. Your heart can see Allah.He knows your situation. He is all aware.Evil is nothing.

    Remember Sahaba (RA)'s imaan was so strong that they confronted jin with thier bare hands.

    Hazrat Umar (R.A) imaan was strong that shaitan rans away to another street if hazrat umar is walking in a street.

    4.Pray tahjud with most sincereity and ask for Allah's help. You will see the help... Inshaallah....

    May Allah protect you.. Aameen.

    Read Surah Bakarah every day.Listen to words of pious people which may bring light in your heart.

  18. dear sister..
    I will suggest you to dedicate your life to Allah.
    Live for Allah alone. When you place that thought in your heart that you have came in this world just to live for Allah then you would care less for the people around you. Continue praying and reciting quran e pak. Keep holding it tightly. I know you are in such a great distress but have trust in Allah. there is no power but Allahswt so stop fearing those negative evils that has been scaring you. our purpose to this world is to live for Allah alone. Quit thinking negative about yourself and other things, keep yourself positive , the positivity will come at your face.

  19. Donot be depressed, Allah is with you , Take steps yourselves to cure your life as Allah has given you this life and its yours alone. I recommend you to read surah baqrah daily cause surah baqrah vanishes all those evils thats surrounding you. And the most important , recite surah muzamil in abundance as much as you can cause its my personal experience when i was afflicted with such type of sinister , surah muzamil helped me to get rid of this. Give sadqah as much as possible. Donot get depressed, try hard , get closer to Allah who is the lord of the mighty throne. There's no power but Allah and if u got closer to him, no power no sadness can reach you.

    plus, i must advice you to recite surah yaseen 41 times with durood shareef to get your desires accepted by Allah swt as IT REALLY WORKS. Donot despair , try hard .. you will get your destiny.

    • I used to pray for something or you may say someone that i read after sometime that it is not permissible to ask for such things so i quite. But now a days i just want to pray to vanish my past. I mean i just want to forget everything as it is so painful whenever flash back comes in my mind. I am into depression now. Should i read surah yaseen 41 times to pray that everything just vanishes in my mind it just stop hurting me. I don't know whether i was good or bad in the decisions that i took before but i just want ALLAH to help me out whether i was good or bad just help me out from everything. I am tired now really tried 🙁

      • And yes i am very slow in reciting Quran. It will took me a whole day to recite Surah yaseen 41 times. Everyone can recite quickly and i am slow. Am i a loser. I think i have become a victim of depression now

        • No sister , it wont take you whole day to recite surah yaseen 41 times, you can also call your mother or your friends or sister to help you read it 41 times. Do it quietly and without any gap. I recommend u to Do it on friday , as i guess it will start from zuhar nd will end till maghrib. The time between asar nd maghrib of jummat ul mubarak is the time of acceptance of prayers. I recommend you to start reading surah yaseen on jummah and pray with sincere true heart. The first necessary thing to get the duas accepted is the tawakul on Allah swt alone. If you have no trust in Allah then why bother praying to ar raheem for your problems. Pray to him with sincere heart , ask for forgiveness and have a strong belief that your prayers will be accepted cause you have put your trust in the lord of the mighty throne, the raheem . Its my personal experience and i have personally seen many people doing this wadifa, that their legitimate prayers are accepted by the blessing of Allah swt. Wadifas helps us a lot to overcome our problems.

          reciting surah quraish after every isha prayer 104 times with durood shareef 11 times at the end and in the beginning for any purpose will also help you a lot. Allah will slowly pave the ways for you and you will be yourself amazed to see that in sha Allah. You just need to be patient.
          I dont know how can i psychologically help you but im trying to help you the way i got help from Allah swt.

          And if you find it difficult to read it alone as surah yaseen is lengthy for u then you can hold surah muzamil and read it daily 41 times daily as these both surahs have been proved by experiments that the legitimate desires are accepted by Allah swt. To achieve something you have to work hard and reading quran isnt that hard job.

          Just depend on ALLAH and ALLAH alone and he will solve all your problems and seek his shifa the shifa that leaves no illness.
          Allah loves those who put their trust in him. He knows your past and what you have been doing, he's aware that you are now regretting and this regret will open the doors of mercy of Allah swt on you. Allah loves those who regret and his love is increased when the person looks at him for mercy and forgiveness. Obey Allah, his messenger, obey your parents , treat his creation nicely and always be patient, everything will be alright in sha Allah.

          • JAZAK ALLAH... Please remember me in your prayers. Thanks alot for your help and i will try to follow this advice.

  20. Salam are you still experiencing these things? They are clear signs of sihr/jinn. You need to go to a raaqi or muslim exorcist to help you. It is too difficult to do ruqya by yourself and the best way to treat this is to go to someone who has experience and can treat you. Without going to someone you will just be blindly trying anything not knowing what will work and you will exhaust yourself. You must sleep in wudu to prevent the attacks, do morning and evening dhikrs, listen to suratul baqarah as often as you can, try every 3 days or more often if able, and try to do it with concentration (not while doing something else), and listen to manzil daily. Recite ayatul kursi and the three quls at least 3-7 times and blow on yourself before you sleep. If you sense the jinn is around and intends to attack you then play the adhan while you sleep.
    Ask around in your community about someone who can help with jinn issues. Travel if you must to find someone.
    Your episodes are not medical seizures, I am in the medical field so I can tell you that. You are more vulnerable when you are sad and scared so have faith in Allah swt that He will save you and He will definitely save you!

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