Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Toxic family problem

Family shattered by husband's addiction

Asalamulikum, I have very toxic family. I'm 18 years old, my family has kept me shielded since birth and restricted me to many things which includes studying, having fun, having friends, having a life and basically everything. They have mentally and physically abused me a lot, destroyed my mind set, ruined my way of thinking and believing at anything at all. Alhamdulilah, I am very happy about deen but apart from that everything else in this world makes me sad.

It almost seems like I have no life, nothing at all. My parents and most of my family members and extremely selfish not once they have given a thought about my happiness. I Really want to move away from them, run away and live my own life but I am scared of what people will think.

I want to know what islam says about this. It of course teaches us to respect our parents and listen to everything what they say but do we have any word in it? What if they ruin your mental state? Can we do anything about it? I have talked to my parents about it but likewise they don't really care, all they want to do is keep their respect high.

I really want to run away from them and I am capable of doing it, I have the means and everything else to live on my own but i want to know whether this is the right thing?


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13 Responses »

  1. Allah says in the Quran :
    “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).

    And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine.”

    [al-Talaq 65:2-3]

    This is your solution and dua .
    Do this before you go to sleep this is one of the best ways to get your dua accepted by Allah.

  2. Yes, you should respect your parents...but it's also important for any young Muslim such as yourself to understand what their parents' rights over them are, and what their rights over their parents are. Just because they are your parents, doesn't mean they can or should get away with treating you exactly as they want, and you just have to sit there and tolerate their treatment of you "out of respect". This is NOT what respect is all about! This is what ABUSE is all about. And ABUSE has NO place in Islam.

    You should be able to have a life of your own without feeling guilty or disrespectful about it. It's not right or okay of your parents to keep you as a prisoner in their's inhuman to restrict one's kids from going to school, get a job, have friends, etc. It's cruel and it's abusive. It affects anyone's mental health as it's extremely important for any human being to socialize and interact with other people. It's your RIGHT. If your parents are taking your rights away from you, they are OPPRESSING you...and there's nothing wrong or disrespectful in taking control over your own life when your parents are forcing you to live like a criminal in jail. Hell, even criminals in jail get to do things outside of their cell.

    Also, the worst thing you can do in life is worry about what other people will think or you and live your life accordingly to other people's approval. Nobody cares what you think abut their life and decisions, so why should you care about their's? Just don't. If people want to talk, distance yourself from them and let them talk all they want. If you're not there to hear their nonsense, it won't affect you.

    I would suggest that you try to talk to your parents and let them know that you really want to be able to go to school and spend time with your friends. Maybe suggest inviting friends over at your house first, so your parents can get comfortable with the kind of people you hang around with. If your parents abslutely refuse to let your off their leash, I would suggest that you resort to more drastic measures...such as contacting a social worker with the intention of getting help to be removed from your family. No one should have to live their entire life in the prison of their parents' home.

  3. Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

    Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.

    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

    And We have enjoined on mankind (to be good) to their parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

    Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

    The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

    Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

    The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Kabair (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--

    To join others in worship with Allah,
    To be undutiful to one's parents,
    To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
    And to give a false witness."

    Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

    The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Greatest sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

    After the rights due to Allah and His Messenger (saws), in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind are due to ones parents. The enormity of being undutiful to ones parents can be imagined by the fact that The Messenger of Allah (saws) listed being undutiful to ones parents as the second gravest of all the gravest sins in Islam!

    Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

    The Prophet (saws) said, "An undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

    Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

    Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

    Respected sister in Islam, two wrongs never ever make a right!!!! Absolutely regardless of what ones parents might have done or said in the past, absolutely regardless of whether or not they fulfill their responsibilities towards their off-spring or not, regardless of their conduct, or character, or condition.their child, being one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day, should never never ever resent them, or be rude towards them, or break relations with them, or say unto them even a harsh word! And if their Lord has blessed one or both his parents to reach an abject old age, and their age has made them senile, or troublesome, or quarrelsome, or even unreasonable.bring to remembrance the time when the off-spring itself was a totally and completely helpless infant and they brought it up with kindness and affectionthus when they reach that abject old age where after having known and done much, they know is precisely at this stage of their lives when the off-spring is Commanded by their Lord to treat them with absolute and total humility, and tenderness, and kindness, and mercy.and whatsoever their parents may choose to say or not even say uff to thembut speak to them words of humility and pray to the Lord Most Merciful to have mercy upon them, just as they had mercy on their child in its infancy.

    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 16 Surah Nahl verse 70:

    It is Allah who creates you and takes your souls at death; and of you there are some who are sent back to a feeble age so that they know nothing after having known (much): for Allah is All-Knowing All-Powerful.

    Respected sister in Islam, absolutely regardless of what ones parents might have said or done to their child in the pastit would only be prudent for the believing off-spring to remember that this life is only a place of test and a trial.and the honor of serving ones parents in their old age is an opportunity for the righteous to earn the ultimate reward of Paradise from their Lord in the Hereafter.

    Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

    A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

    Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

    Allah's Messenger (saws) said: Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust! It was said: O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he? He (saws) said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!

    Regardless of whatever ones parents might choose to say or do unto their off-spring it just does not behove and befit one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day to treat them harshly, or Allah forbid, disown them! Allah is our witness sister, there is only one crime and sin greater in the Sight of Allah than an off-spring being rude, or manner-less, or harsh with their words and their deeds with their shirk or associating other gods with Allah Subhanah!!!

    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 13 Surah Ar-Raad verse 25:

    As for those who break their covenant with Allah after confirming it, who cut asunder relationships which Allah has bidden to be joined, and spread chaos on the earth, theirs shall be the curse, and they shall have a wretched abode in the Hereafter.

    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Bakarah verse 27:

    And He leads astray only those who disobey Allah, who break Allahs covenant after ratifying it, who cut asunder relationships what Allah has ordered to be joined, and who produce chaos on the Earth. These are indeed the people who are the losers.

    Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira

    The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the Names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin), and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin).

    It is absolutely impermissible, forbidden, and an abomination of a sin in the Sight of Allah for one to break or sever any ties or relationships of blood which the Lord Himself has created for them, leave alone breaking relations with ones own parents!!!

    Respected sister in Islam, whatever might have transpired between oneself and ones parents in the past, whatever they might have chosen to say or do unto their own off-spring, whatever the situation and conditions.the believing off-spring, as one who fears Allah and the Last Day, must never never ever say or do anything which would cause them even an iota of pain and grief.if indeed they sincerely believe in Allah and the Last Day. Only and only if one is satisfied that their Lord Creator Himself will sever relations with him, should one ever even contemplate of ever severing their relationship with their own parents!!!! Such is the gravity of breaking or severing ones blood relationships in the Sight of Allah Subhanallh!

  4. Wa alaykumsalam

    Remember this dunya is filled with trials and tribualtions. There is no person in this dunya that is ever happy. Even the people with so much money, the people that have everything they ever wanted, when they are struck with a small calamity they think it's worse than the people who don't have anything. If you ask them to look at the people who have worse problems than you, that they are dying without anything, that they are being killed and tortured with weapons- they shrug it off because to them their problem is worse than anyone could ever imagine. This is the reality of the Dunya.

    Allah has unique trials for every human in this dunya. You cant ever be happy for eternity. That's why Allah created Jannah. That's why Allah guaranteed the place of eternal bliss (that is the place everyone wants to be). Allah knows what we are like because he is the one that created us, and it's in his wisdom for whatever trial he puts us in -no matter how heavy we think it is- Allah doesn't test a person beyond that they can bear.

    “Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested?” (Qur’an, 29:2)

    “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits…” (Qur’an, 2:155)

    “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

    Allah Subhanahu'wata'aalah reminds us to never give up in Allah

    “So lose not heart nor despair…” [Al ‘Imran 3:139].

    And remember the story of Yunus (‘alaihis-salam) where he was sent to the people of Nineveh (which was a city where the modern-day Iraqi city of Mosul is). Prophet Yunus preached the message of Allah to these people for a long time, but they did not respond to his call. When he felt that his preaching was not going to make them change their ways, he took off in anger. He boarded a ship filled with other passengers. After some time, the ship ran into a storm.

    The people on the ship had casted lots, with the idea that the person whose name shows up should be thrown overboard. The name of Prophet Yunus (alaihis-salam) came up in the drawing three times, after which he threw himself into the sea. Allah commanded a whale to swallow Prophet Yunus (alaihis-salam) without hurting him or breaking his bones. Prophet Yunus (alaihis-salam) realized that he had made a mistake by leaving his town and its people without the permission of Allah.

    Whereof Allah reminds us

    “…and be not like the Companion of the Fish [i.e. Yunus (alaihis-salam) – when he cried out in agony” (al-Qalam 68:48).

    Don't give up, Allah is there. He is watching us, he knows what we are our problems are, he wants to put us in trial.

    Then Yunus (alaihis-salam) repented saying “La ila ha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimeen”

    (There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers).

    Allah was pleased with his repentance and he brought Prophet Yunus (alaihis-salam) out from the darkness of the fish’s belly, onto a flat and plain shore. The supplication that Prophet Yunus (alaihis-salam) made was loved by Allah that it is recorded in the Qur’an and was praised by Muhammad (salalahu alayhi wasalam)

    Sa’d ibn Waqas reported that our Prophet Muhammad (sall-Allahu alaihi wasallam) said,

    “The supplication made by the Companion of the Fish (Prophet Yunus) in the belly of the fish was, ‘La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minaz-zalimeen (there is no god but You, You are far exalted and above all weaknesses, and I was indeed the wrongdoer). If any Muslim supplicates in these words, his supplication will be accepted.”

    O you who believe, persevere and endure and remain stationed and fear Allah that you may be successful [Al ‘Imran 3:200].

    Persevere in doing good, persevere in the rememberence of Allah subhanahu'wata'aalah and keep your duty to him, keep on going, don't lose hope, struggle through, be determined and persistent. And endure the trials (the pain and suffering) patiently. And remain stationed as a Mu'min and fear Allah that you may be successful. And you will be rewarded with eternal bliss Insha'Allaah.

    • And respect your parents, no matter how harsh they may seem. Why? Because Allah has told us to. When Allah ordains us to do something, we obey him, and we endure in patience.

      "The only statement of the [true] believers when they are called to Allah and His Messenger to judge between them is that they say, "We hear and we obey." And those are the successful." (Surah An Nur (24:51)

      "And We have enjoined on mankind (to be good) to their parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal."
      ( Surah Luqman verse 31:14)

      The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Greatest sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

      The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Kabair (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:

      To join others in worship with Allah,
      To be undutiful to one's parents,
      To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
      And to give a false witness."

      Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290

    • You make it sound like that the more miserable, unhappy and suicidal you are, the better of a Muslim you are...

      Telling someone to suffer in oppression and depression, and it's a positive thing to be patient with your suicidal feelings as long as you don't actually kill yourself, is SICK. Why this sadism? It's these kind of dangerous teachings that keep Muslims back-warded, even regressive, and depressive. We read so many stories on this site of especially young Muslims that deeply suffer from depression and feel suicidal, because their families oppress them and deny them their basic ISLAMIC and human rights...and there you are, cherry picking verses to back up your claim that it's a good thing to feel suicidal, because that just means you hate the world just enough to please Allah and reap the benefits of the next life.

      No, young Muslims should not "be patient" with their abusive and oppressive parents, and no, "being patient" with abusive and oppressive parents is NOT a sign of respect for them. And NO, no child should tolerate being held as a prisoner by their parents. Parents do NOT have the Islamic right to treat their children in that way, so children have NO obligation, in return, to tolerate this kind of behaviour from them!

      • You're not miserable when you don't do anything wrong. When you know you are doing right for your part you feel happy and peaceful. In Islam its forbidden to scream, hit and talk back at our parents or behave in a immoral way because to raise you they had been through so much. As Allah subhanahuwata'aalah says:

        "And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."[Noble Quran 31:14]

        (be kind to your parents, shower upon them love, affection, and piety, both in words and deeds, treat them with tender humility, provide for them and never harm them physically or mentally. Then Allah mentions that the (mother bore the child in travail upon travail) meaning the mother bore constant suffering: in pain and hardship for the first time she felt the child moving in her womb to the worst pangs during the time of delivery, despite all of that she loved the child, raising it through all the obstacles in life. This is the reason why Allah wants us to be merciful to them too, so we could return the love they gave us when we were young.

        "Worship God and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents..." [Noble Quran 4:36]

        I know what they are doing is wrong and that they are stopping her from doing what she wants to do. Im not saying any of that is a good thing. But again she can kindly tell them that she doesn't feel loved or that she can't do anything and that its a humanly nature to want to communicate with people and learn and have hobbies etc.

        Even the prophet Muhammad (salalahu alayhi wasalam) used to play games with his companions and the women in islam used to like to do their own things, like normal people do. But it's honestly sad how parents (especially pakistani and indian parents) lock their children up from having fun because they think that they will be misguided. This isn't anything to do with islam.

        • Khadija (rathiAllahu anhu) she was a successful business woman, as well as a wife. She wasn't locked up for pursuing her dreams was she? She is a great example for all the muslim women and also Ayesha (rathiAllahu Anhu) she was a scholar of islam and also a great mathematician. All people during that time would go to her to calculate things.

          What parents don't realize is that they should let their children do what they want to but they can be guided at the same time. Not locked up and put down for nothing.

          So again, sister be patient. Insha'Allah Allah will make a way for you out.

          • Also cultural practices and trends and islam are three different things that should not be mixed and confused with. Many islamophobes think of muslims as those typical violent, pushy and vile group of people.

            In fact the people that have those personalities don't the knowledge of islam, and if they did they would be gentle, peaceful and humble people kind to their kids, parents, wives and everyone around them. Because that's really what islam teaches. But in these days hardly anyone studies islam and it's a sad reality.

            Lindita, i can easily tell you to pick up the Qur'an and read it from start to finnish and come back to me and tell me if the qur'an really does teach violence, because i know the Qur'an. And i know that it teaches the way of life and that islam in reality is a peaceful religion.

  5. Also sister if you want someone to talk to you can e-mail me anytime you want at (contact info deleted by editor) I'm a girl so you can talk about anything with me comfortably, Insha'Allah. I'll be more than happy to help.

  6. i am facing same situation . so depressed and going to be old quickly. also have no career and sense in any field because i am living quarantine life with online university. please help me

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