Islamic marriage advice and family advice

trapped in a misyar marriage

I’m 30 years old from Sudan, I got married 2 years before to a foreign man, originally he is from Nigeria but lives in Saudi Arabia. My husband and I met over the internet, we fell in love and after few months we got married in Malaysia.   I got pregnant and he told me that he is  the happiest man on the earth and will love the baby.  After 2 weeks of my stay with him I came back, but my parents were not glad for marrying a total stranger but they didn’t have choice but to allow me.  

During our honeymoon I one time went thru his stuff and saw that he is married but separated from his wife.  I confronted him for lying me about his marital status, he denied and said it was a mistake and misunderstanding.  Anyway I gave birth to a baby boy and he did paid my delivery expenses.   Now I have my baby and he don’t pay anything including (maintenance, baby’s welfare, housing); he never took the responsibilities or even paid my dowry. 

I feel I don’t know anything about him despite that he tells me I’m the only women in his life and he loves me.  He works for a well paid organization and he is financially  stable yet he made excuses to cover our expenses. I’m totally depressed and confused with all these;  he goes around where ever he wants and meet women. I one time saw several different text messages from different women, one of them was telling him that she is pregnant, he denied and said she is a friend, I also saw him other day sending message and saying I LOVE U to a woman, and when I confronted him he said that he is admired and that is the only way to get rid of people by saying I LOVE U.    He never spends quality time with me except the 2 weeks of our honeymoon and 10 days he spent with me at my delivery time.  I really don’t know what to do, plz advise.

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10 Responses »

  1. He used you and is a womanizer. Dump him otherwise he will be a bad example of a father for your child.

  2. Salam Alaikum sister,

    I can feel all the feelings you are going through because i also have a son of a Muslim guy (Saudi)... And is exactly the same situation, until this day he is not paying nothing for his son and he deny all responsibility... I know is easy to advice when nobody is wearing your shoes but i will encourage you to be strong for your son because you can give him a very good life.... I don't think would be worth to waste your time with a men like your husband, just think that if he really loves you he won't we texting, seeing, taking, or something similar to another girl. On the other hand if he is a real man, he will take responsibility of his own blood and at least he will provide financial support for his son.

    I'll pray for you... and be sure that Allah will guide you in the right way to go out of this situation. May Allah bless you and your beloved son.

  3. Salaams,

    There are several things about your post that I would like to comment on. First of all, where are you now? Are you still with your parents? If you are, I think you should talk with them about what you can do to free yourself from this relationship. They were not supportive of you being with him to begin with, so I'm sure they will be relieved that you no longer want to be a part of this and help you out any way they can. Since you married in Malaysia, a country that neither of you are citizens of, you will have to find out what the process for divorce will be. And yes, I am suggesting you seek a divorce.

    You said he never paid your dowry, however payment of dowry is obligatory for an Islamic marriage to be valid. You also say you found evidence that he is married to someone else, and on top of that talks to other females in addition. This man is not trustworthy AT ALL. Nevermind the fact that he is shirking his marital and paternal obligations by not providing any financial support to you at all. He has made bald face lies to you, and I cannot see any viable reason that you stay with this man. Even though you have his child, he is no more involved in that child's life now than he would be if you were divorced. You are virtually living as a divorced or single woman as it is.

    He said you are the only woman in his life. That is a lie, because he has what appears to be another wife and talks to other females via text messaging.

    He said he loves you. That is a lie because he will not provide for you (which even someone without love can do, easily) and your child, even though he is well within the means to.

    He said saying "I love you" to someone who likes you will get rid of them. That is a lie, because common logic will show that returning gestures of affection to an admirer only stokes the flames of attraction. If someone really wants to get rid of an admirer, they cut all ties with that person.

    Sister, there is no foundation upon which this relationship can stand and amount to something meaningful. This marriage started with lies and continues with lies. You are young, your baby is young, now is the best time to close the door on this chapter of your life and start rebuilding it with family and others you can truly trust and that will always be there to support you and help you in any way needed.

    -Amy Editor

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      To stress the point, by not paying the mahr as and when agreed, this man is breaking an Islamic contract and thus, a covenant of Allah (swt). For this, there are drastic consequences that he will have to face and it will be seen as an act of oppression to the wife, and he will be an oppressor in the view of Allah (swt). This will not just be a question in the grave to answer for, but for him to stand in front of Allah Almighty (swt) and have to answer for directly.

      Some men have no idea the ramifications for treating the mahr as a plaything.

  4. The previous commenters have given good advice. I only want to add that I am totally against misyar marriage, which is a marriage where the couple does not live together and the man assumes none of the traditional responsibilities of marriage. It is a social sickness. It only leads to mistreatment and abandonment of women. It's very common for men in a misyar marriage to abandon or divorce the women once children come into the picture, because many of these men only wanted sexual relations to start with. It should be outlawed.

    Wael Editor

  5. Aslama Aleikum

    Thank you guys for your kind respond, it is really helpful sharing with u my scenario, since I didn’t talk to anybody about it . I feel stupid for trusting and still loving for this guy.

    To elaborate more on my post…I live with my parents , my husband never come to my country nobody knows him, since we get married we met two times not more than two weeks outside my country. I don’t know how to seek a divorce in my case and if I do what my baby will do…will it affect his life later on (psychologically). I mean my fear is what if he is being qualified as bastard child. Whose father is dispread and faded away. I recently asked him to give me a portion of my dowry to support my baby expenses and he told me that he made investment to build his house and he can’t give me anything for the time being. I asked him to grantee me my divorce since he deprived my rights and not supporting me our maintenance, which he able to provide. He said it is stupid a woman seeks divorce because her husband is irresponsible to take care of her. Now he tells me he is coming so that we can discuss our future while together face to face.
    I always hide my emotions form my parents and my friends and pretend that i'm ok. but God knows I’m burring inside and i dont wanna look failure as i never support divorce, but right know i'm not divorce nor married
    And did I mention he beat me so badly the only few days I spent with him when I gave birth to my baby
    I pray Allah to guide me to right pass and make me strong

  6. sister, leave this abusive guy like i left mine..he will be a bad example for your precious baby. it will be much better for your child to grow up with your values than his..

  7. I pray to Allah that you will meet a new man who will be a true moslem and love and protect your and your baby as Allah instructed and the prophet wants. bu that is not going to happen unless you have the courage and faith in Allah that he would give you and show you the way out.. this is a test for you sister and insyaAllah you will pass it with flying colors with your courage and patience.

  8. Assallam Alaikum

    I am a 33 year medium built Muslim – who lives in Wakefield and is looking for a Misyar Marriage. (Remainder of the comment deleted by the Editor)

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