Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trapped or not?

Assalama wa alaikum

I reverted to Islam not so long ago with my kids and my husband. The relationship started off before we were Muslims, he was actually a muslim who stopped practicing Islam when we met. I was a christian. The beginning of our relation was all good and we never worried about getting married, it was all fun with no precaution to lookout for. We had both our son's before we got married. Everytime I will ask him are we ever going to get married, and I was prepared to be his wife. As years went by my sons were starting school I told him I was to revert to Islam and that time we were staying together. He agreed and was very kin to go back to Islam again masha'Allah , my sons accepted Islam with open heart.

As time goes as I was learning more and more about Islam, I asked him to do the nikah. And he insisted that for our parent's to accept us as Muslims we need to still do thing traditionally like paying the lobola and such. And he paid 30% of the money to my parents. He's job is not a well paying job and so this year we decided to do the Nikkah, only my brother knew and none of our families knew because they you'd be against it. His family will think I'm trapping him to own his late parents house. We did the Nikka because I was tired of commiting sin now and again. We dicided that we'll do the Walimah when he's done paying the lobola to my parents.

I'm working mother, get paid decently and run a small business. I've never judged him about how his not taking care of his family instead I've been encouraging him with his business ideas and studying as he wishes. The reason I work is to pay our kids school fees as they are now in the Islamic school and to cover some of the expenses. Month to month my expenses are getting bigger and bigger. I end up paying his and my bills and buy groceries. He started selling glasses and have been supporting him and doing marketing for him. At times we'll fight over his laziness to follow up with orders. He'll buy glasses with his salary and never get to fulfill what his financially duties. I tried sitting down with him to check his cash flow to why now his business is costing us, only to find out that he's been making loans I do not know of or evidence of what he spends on. The only thing I know is the Quran that I asked as a dowry for the nikka, he claimed to have bought from the loan money. Since then I have no idea what's going on.

The other problem is that I sometimes feel like I'm trapping him because whenever we fight he'll rather say I must live if I want to.

Sometimes this reflects back to when he was way a worse than now. He never really priorities the needs of his kids before we stayed together. He always use to make excuses and sometimes he'll rather satisfy his friends needs than his kids. I got to the point were by I feel that I can do better on my own.

I feel happy when I'm far from him because my work requires me to travel to run workshop in other countries. Now he has started to realize that I no longer care what happens to us he is now starting to take care of us. I'm just getting confused to what to do. Because he has done this before. Messing up and pulling me back to him again just to hurt me again.

My health is no longer the same, I often feel like crying, headaches and have short breathes at night. I not sure if I still love him, I just don't know what to do. These days we don't talk much, he'll just offer to cook, do the laundry, bathe the kids and other domestic duties. And above that he'll treat me like an unworthy wife.

Regular prayer are only done when I insist, he does not bother even when I tell him I want all of us to meet in Jannah again. If feel my iman fading away, I feel like I'm not deserving.

I feel like I need to understand what going on. I've tried closest people but I'm told to be patient and I've been patient for 13 years n this relationship. What am doing wrong to live such an unhealthy life.


will like to hear from you Insha'Allah

Sister Atheela

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1 Responses »

  1. Bismillah
    MashAllah sister you are a beautiful person a good muslim. Hamg in there InshAllah everything will be alright. If you are the one that brought him to islam so far so that he prays when you push him, kinda shows that this test is for you. Allah doesn’t burden anyone with more than they can bare.
    May Allah give you the strength and courage and iman to keep going!

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