Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Traumatized and depressed by my mother and my husband’s ‘love’


Broken relationship

This'll be long story, as I don't want anyone misunderstood, so bear with me.

I'm asking for Islamic advice with my current situation. I'm married to a handsome 'kind' and 'patient' husband from an arranged marriage for 8 months already. This marriage is proposed by my mother, who at that time I'm sure she is smitten by my 'handsome' husband who is looking for a wife. At that time too my father got proposal from other family who's the man is from very influential background. My family is quite influential and religious too.

All people said that the other man (my father proposed) is the perfect choice for me, I too have the same thinking as I looking into his resume and we got similar background, education degree and same way of thinking so I felt more attracted to that man. He was not as handsome as the other man I didn't really care because I felt we were gonna clicked to each other, as he was as open minded and ambitious as me. But then my mother crying and begging me reconsider my choice, she is afraid to feel insecure by other man's family background so she tried her best to sabotage the proposal from him. She already said my answers as 'no' to that man's family and keep asking me to just 'meet' my future husband.

Since before I meet him, I've got mixed feeling about this man. Like, I don't have any good feeling about this man whatever 'greatness' my mother telling me about him. Yes, he is indeed handsome, but then nothing else. My mother then guilt trip me, as I am now in my twenties and my grandpa already keep falling ill and the only thing I can do to ease his pain is to get married quickly. The process is really fast and I got no time thinking and know him better before I made a choice. I got my period the day I supposed to pray Istikhara' so I didn't know anymore what I'm into.

The day I met him, I told him that I need to know him better before I make choice but then my mother scold me in front of him for proposing 'dating' even though that's not what I've got in mind. I just didn't have any positive thought about him and I just wanted to be proven wrong. But my mother never give me a chance to communicate with him before proposal ceremony. She never considered my thinking process and already told him that my answer is 'Yes'.

All happened very quickly, suddenly he already came with all of his family and neighbour to propose me officially as he is saying he is already falling in love with me once he saw me. I can't say anything but yes as I don't want to humiliate my family and making my mother crying again. I tried my best to stay positive all through this, as I was a very positive and cheerful girl. As long I can make my mother and my grandpa happy. I don't know that this'll be at expense of my happiness.

Since before marriage, he already made me angry with his lack of common sense. He said he respect my principles but then always do the same thing that against that. I tried to be a better person and tried to understand him. After marriage this kind of thing always happen. We can't communicate clearly and he always conclude the wrong idea of whatever I'm trying to tell him. What upset me the most is after the argument, he always run to my mother or my grandparents to grieving in sadness of the 'hurtful' things I said to him even though most of it is taken out of context. He is good at making me look at the evil ones every time we had a small disagreement.

That resulting me to be scolded badly by my parents. At first I tried to be my mature self, I tried to tell him that our problems doesn't need our parents to meddle in it. He agree at first, but then he just censored what I said to him and whining about my attitude to him. I can't even allowed to be upset to him freely, even though there's so many things that make me upset.

He suddenly didn't allow me to pursue my study and getting a job. He tried to tell me he is afraid being responsible of what he decide in front of Allah if he can't 'control' his wife. This is make me upset so bad because I have so many things, many dreams that I want to achieve and it against what he said at first when he said he will support me for every degree education I want to get.

Only two months into marriage I already read him like an open book what kind despicable person he is. He was unemployed for a very long time after our marriage, with him worked in bank institution that practices riba so he agreed to resign from his job. At first he said because he is tired and afraid of Allah when he resign, but then he blamed me for his unemployment. He said he did his best looking for a job, but making every excuse to reject every job opportunity given to him. Making everyone even everything as an excuse to not get a job.

It didn't bother me when he never give any money for my own expense as I am still in college and my parents readily paid all of my expense. I already told him that I support every decision he make regarding the job, as long as he don't get a job in my neighborhood (an Islamic foundation) that I actually despise for a good reason.

I can be the who is seeking money for the family but then he forbid me from getting a job. He actually lived with the money he get from his, mother, sisters and brothers family and it is very much humiliating for me. He tried to give me that money, I reject because I know he is going to keep asking for money after that using my name. Then when he finally get a job, with my parents and my grandparents begging to the institution because he is not qualified enough (he didn't even put an ounce of effort to do it by himself), he got a job in that exact foundation that I despise the most.

Every time I tried to love him, I can't. I'll be put off by every thing that he put me through. When I'm so tired, he complain about my upset expression to my mother. All people in my life put me through hell with asking me to keep smiling to him. I must never get upset, I must never angry, I must never hurt him with my words....

He make my family that once loved me, to be my worst enemies that hating me every time I tried to reason to them. He is best at making others people loved him so much, with his kind words, nice smile. He always said that he always trying to be patient looking after his immature wife.

I'm mentally exhausted and I can't smile anymore. I can't even fake a smile. My positive self changed to the most pessimistic ones. That got me into very severe depression. I don't have any motivation to keep going in my life. My dreams all got shattered because I know in Islam I can't go against what my husband oblige me to do.


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3 Responses »

  1. Asalamualikum!
    I just begin to practice Islam ..m trying to learn things myself these m a Muslim by choice ...Allah forgive me if I'm wrong!
    See all I understood out of ur situation is ur a tired u r not living ur life happily..I wanna ask u sister does Allah wants you to live ur life unhappily? Or in depression?
    No Allah don't want that ..keep up ur prayers and ask for Allah's guidance may Allah shows your the right path..but remember Allah doesn't want you ,me or anyone to live in distress..

  2. Aoa sister!
    You do come from an influential family but from a religious one, it is difficult to agree on that from what you describe.
    People keep falling ill in old age, nobody's marriage changes that.
    What has been done has been done. Your husband now has a job, you did not give us the exact reason what is wrong with that institution.
    As for your expenses and education, you need to bring your elders together and come to an agreement in specific words/writing as to what you want. It shouldn't be an episode of twisting words and expressions and charming elders. Stick to the basic and important points: expenses and education.
    As for him calling you immature, I wonder how much younger you are to him? Do you get upset easily, make a face and shut yourself out from him and rest of the world. If you do that, it is no way to solve a
    problem. Be specific and do not get drawn into long, rambling discussions. Because to me it seems he is a man who has his way with words and you seem to be a young girl who is at her wits end as to how to deal with it.
    Confide in your grandparents/father telling them exactly how a situation that bothers you turned out. Stick to facts. They are your elders and will understand you and handle him/you. Learn to recognise guilt trips. Learn to recognize when a discussion is being redirected.
    If you have already tried all this, then I suggest you come back to your home with
    facts of how he is bothering you and let your elders deal with it. Facts not emotional stories. I hope I have made sense to you.

  3. Salam,

    I recommend getting a divorce now. I think your mother was looking out for you and thought the best marriage would be with one that was the most handsome. When you started to be show interest in a guy that wasn't as handsome but had character your mother freaked out and pushed this marriage on you.

    Where you are right now is not a good place in terms of marriage. You are the one who is running the marriage and you can't marry this man and fulfill his rights to please your mother or your grandparents. So, regardless of how much your mother cries or how much your grand parents feel upset you just have to ask for divorce and fill it out yourself. And if your father seems to have a good head then talk to him about what happened between you and your mother and explain that you cannot run this marriage anymore.

    Parents mean well and sometimes parents that look at what they would've wanted as a spouse and push it on their kids because they feel that is a fair trade. Your mother may have been very happy with a good looking guy and not cared as to what he asked but that's not you. So from her perspective, even if she has to lie and sabotage a suitor that she thinks is not good enough, she feels justified as you will get a better looking spouse and be happy. Her though is that you're not thinking clearly and eventually you'll come around. Your husband may view you the same as well. But in any case, since you cannot be a good wife to this man, please divorce now before you get kids. Salam.

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