Tried really hard but I just can’t get to love him! I am thinking of divorce.
Asalamu'Alaikum
I've been married for nearly 6 years and I'm not happy! It's funny how my family + friends everyone else around me think that I'm very happy in my marriage an couldn't be merrier. But I don't blame them for thinking besides its my inner strength and the false smile which kept me going for years. I don't know how I did it but I did. I've kept it all just inside me and never shared a thing with anyone nor with my husband and its killing me inside. Maybe I'm in depression or something! I would cry to myself in the bedroom when my husband isn't around. Feels to me maybe the past isn't helping me get on with my marriage; I really don't know how I feel now. Before I got married I was in a loving relationship with someone for 3 years.
Moreover it was serious, so much happened in those 3 years! It felt like I had experienced a life time with him; he was there for me when I needed him even in the saddest times. He was there when I lost a love one who indeed played a big part in my life; my family was with me but, I also had his shoulder by my side. It felt like he was almost a part of me we just clicked when we would see each-other, we were so alike. I know the memories are so clear even after 6 years. But, it was Allah's will. I didn't get married to him considering that my parents had someone else in mind. He proposed, but my parents didn't accept hence, I had to let go somehow.
My parents play a big part in my life it just didn't feel right to provoke them again and again, besides they've been there since the day I was born, hence found it unnecessary to flip. I then went for my parents choice, an believed they can never choose the wrong for their children. I feel bad for saying this but from that day onwards I have always put a face in front of my husband; his family and everyone else around me. My husband is fabulous; a loving guy also kind and caring and very responsible. But I feel we don't click! I have no sexual desire towards him, he tries to please me every way but the feeling isn't just there. I make something up every time husband wants to make love, its always after 2-3months; don't feel any satisfaction in it no matter what, but he hasn't suspected anything as of yet!
My husband wanted to start a family hence everyone was like whens the good NEWS?! I then decided maybe if we have a baby together things might just turn out okay. I prayed to Allah that everything goes well! It feels a lot worse now. Its just not working out although Allah blessed us with the cutest baby ever! I just can't get my head around it. I still don't feel anything for him. And we hardly make love 5-6 months go by, and that's how it is.. my hubby presumes there is something wrong with me also keeps advising me to see the doctor. Honestly, I don't know what to do. If you've any good du'as that I could read for maybe happiness in HUSBAND and MARRIAGE please.
Please please help me with them, much appreciated Wasalaam
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Salaams,
After reading your entire post it seems to me that part of the reason you are having difficulty is because you have not truly let go of the relationship you had before you married your husband. You are thinking of the great times and good feelings of that relationship, and you probably have been replaying those scenes over and over countless times throughout your current marriage. Whether you intended to or not, you are comparing what you have now with what you had then, and what "could've been" if only your parents had let you married that person.
Sister, you haven't been living in reality. You have been living in a fantasy of past memories, and most of the time reality can never measure up to a fantasy. You can't really find fault with your husband, you can only find fault with the lack of your own feelings for him. He will never be able to live up to the ideals you've been carrying around with you for so long, ideals based on a brief time of your life that is now a closed chapter to you.
You need to find a way to truly let that past go. Let go of the happy memories and wishes you had and may still have. Live in this reality, this present moment. THIS is what Allah gave to you- a caring husband and a new baby- and this is what He, in His wisdom, knows is best for you. Read some of the other posts on this site- posts about abusive relationships or husbands who are addicts. Read about some of the horrible things other sisters have to find a way to live through and ask yourself how you could not be utterly thankful for what you've been given? I'm sure there are a lot of sisters who would gladly take your place if they only could.
I don't want to diminish your struggle to have feelings of "love" for your husband. That's a goal every marriage should continually work toward- to always experience love for our spouse. However, sometimes we have it and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't have it for so long we wonder if we ever will again. I tend to believe if we can keep ourselves from being sidetracked, and stay focused on being the best wives and mothers we can, we will Insha'Allah be rewarded by having endless, intense and passionate love for our spouses in the next life.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Before I got married I was in a loving relationship with someone for 3 years.
Moreover it was serious, so much happened in those 3 years! It felt like I had experienced a life time with him; he was there for me when I needed him even in the saddest times. He was there when I lost a love one who indeed played a big part in my life; my family was with me but, I also had his shoulder by my side. It felt like he was almost a part of me we just clicked when we would see each-other, we were so alike. I know the memories are so clear even after 6 years. But, it was Allah's will. I didn't get married to him considering that my parents had someone else in mind. He proposed, but my parents didn't accept hence, I had to let go somehow.
Your answer lies in your question ... To every one , please read this article
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1121103/Why-SHOULD-forget-love-The-memories-ruin-future-relationships.html
Oh dear,
I find myself in a situation very similar to yours. From my point of view I can only tell you the reason you are not happy is simply because your heart is elsewhere.
In your case though- is very sad that he proposed and your parents rejected! I never understood why parents reject the suitors they clearly see that make their children happy- all in the name of "Islam". If they actually want the best for their children- they should be happy when children find serious suitors and are happy! Why would they turn that around and ever think they know better?
I don't want you to think I disrespect the Islamic ways, but there are so many frustrating actions taken by people in the name of "Islam".
Now being in the same situation as you- I also have been blessed with an adorable child- I can tell you stay stay stay for the child. And in regards to the sexual life- making him wait around for months is not the way. He might be good but he is not stupid. I also avoid physical contact with my husband as he doesn't satisfy me at all and I end up feeling sad and neglected. But try to get through it, surely it doesn't take very long And it will go a long way. Certainly is much easier then Listening to him telling you to see a doctor.
But just try to think about the positive things in your husband and focus on what makes you happy as an individual- be it your child, your home, your friends, work, study, sports, a hobby- just find something to pour your energy into to feel happy. Relations are not supposed to complete us or make us happy- we need to find that within ourselves first. And unfortunately- very very few people have the luck to end up with the person they actually love. Think to fulfill yourself differently but don't make that poor little soul to grow up with separated parents. Not to mention that if he wants to follow the islamic way- he is perfectly entitled to take that child away from you. So doooont go chasing the wild goose of love, I am sure there are good days and bad days and you posted this on a bad day.
Wish you best of luck to succed inshallah!