Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trouble with my husband

cheating affair husband


I hope everyone's having a good Ramadan. I will give u some history about my life I have been married for 8 years we have 2 lovely children. I always thought we had a good marriage I really loved him he's also my mums nephew.

I have caught him talking to girls in the past but I didn't know what he talked bout and why he did it but I forgave him. But this time I had a feeling he was talking to a girl he always has a password on his phone he never lets me check his phone. So this one day I told him the night before I'm going out tomorrow taking the kids somewhere with my cousin he said Thts fine. So before I took the kids out I put a recorder in our room and when I came back I checked and I was right he had been talking to a girl I was absolutely heartbroken he said to the girl he wants to marry her,he talked to her as he had known her all his life. The recording of him was for 1 hour+. When I confronted him he said he had only started talking to her a couple of weeks ago I said to him if you want to marry her leave me and go marry her she was from back home but he said I have no intention of marrying her and it will not happen again.

I'm not the same with him as before because I believe a leopard never changes its spots but I can't divorce him because it will cause huge problems in the family. He hasn't kept to his word that he won't do it again because I have seen miscalls from the same girl a month later on his skype he still has a passcode on his phone that was the only thing I said to him take your passcode off you are free to check my phone anytime I don't have anything to hide let me also check yours he didn't agree to that. Now coming to my question if he wants  to have sexual intercourse and I say no will i be the one in the wrong because I know you should sleep with your husband when he asks you too but I just can't take all these things out of my mind. Thank you for giving me some of your time I appreciate it.

Jazakallah khair.


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Technically, yes, you would be in the wrong to deny him his sexual rights, even though he's done a severe wrong against you by his infidelity. The thing about rights is, no matter how much someone else screws up, they are still there. Rights like food, clothing, shelter etc are basic human needs, and no one in their right mind would deny someone that even if they did something horrible. So if Allah has declared sexual rights to each spouse, those rights stand no matter what- just as much as your rights to be maintained stand no matter what.

    It is a serious thing to willingly deny the rights of your spouse. In such a case, it's better to divorce. In addition, for a couple to divorce over lost trust from infidelity is reasonable as well. But you are only reluctant to because of how it will affect the family.

    On the day of judgment, you will be questioned for your choices. Your family will not be asked on your behalf. They will not be able to protect you from judgment. If you remain married and deny your husband's rights, you will be accountable for that in the hereafter. It seems to me that is something more weighty to fear, than your family's thoughts on the matter.

    So I suggest approaching your decision about what to do with the marriage prayerfully, and ask Allah for the courage and strength to do what is right (whether that's divorcing peacfully or staying willingly and giving him his rights). I don't think there's any advantage in trying to look for a loophole to do haraam by denying his rights, especially when one doesn't exist.

    Personally I think your trust is so shattered that it would be nearly impossible to keep going in the marriage, but Allah knows best. You have a lot to weigh, and I think it wouldn't hurt to talk to some family about it and see if they might be more supportive of you than you realize. Sometimes things like this can change their view about a person, and make them not want to see an unhealthy marriage continue after all.

    -Amy Editor

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I agree that a spouse should not deny rights, however, I also think that if a spouse has evidence of infidelity, in a case like this, they also have the right to ask their spouse to go to the doctor to ensure they don't have any sexually transmitted diseases. If, however, they are denying rights other than that, yes I agree, it is probably better to part ways.

      And Allah knows best.

      • I'm not sure I agree with that. I thin you need to earn your rights, in certain situations I'm sure you can deny rights because that person has wronged you. But I also understand the point about divorce and moving on rather than staying in an unhappy marriage. The video below is pretty good:

        • Jazak Allah Sr. Bucks

          I watched the video and yes, it was a good reminder to hear once more about Khawla bit Tha'labah. The first 10 verses below are an important reminder about what we say to a spouse--especially for men. It gives me shivers, literally, and also brings me to tears that Umar bin Khattab stopped an entire army to stop and listen to her and that Allah swt heard her directly--in a time when the western influence was not there, such great public respect for women, Subhan Allah. Thank you once more for the reminder.

          We should know that Allah swt listens to us in every way and help is not far, it is near, inn shaa Allah.


          Certainly has Allah heard the speech of the one who argues with you, [O Muhammad], concerning her husband and directs her complaint to Allah . And Allah hears your dialogue; indeed, Allah is Hearing and Seeing.

          Those who pronounce thihar among you [to separate] from their wives - they are not [consequently] their mothers. Their mothers are none but those who gave birth to them. And indeed, they are saying an objectionable statement and a falsehood. But indeed, Allah is Pardoning and Forgiving.

          And those who pronounce thihar from their wives and then [wish to] go back on what they said - then [there must be] the freeing of a slave before they touch one another. That is what you are admonished thereby; and Allah is Acquainted with what you do.

          And he who does not find [a slave] - then a fast for two months consecutively before they touch one another; and he who is unable - then the feeding of sixty poor persons. That is for you to believe [completely] in Allah and His Messenger; and those are the limits [set by] Allah . And for the disbelievers is a painful punishment.

          Indeed, those who oppose Allah and His Messenger are abased as those before them were abased. And We have certainly sent down verses of clear evidence. And for the disbelievers is a humiliating punishment.

          On the Day when Allah will resurrect them all and inform them of what they did. Allah had enumerated it, while they forgot it; and Allah is, over all things, Witness.

          Have you not considered that Allah knows what is in the heavens and what is on the earth? There is in no private conversation three but that He is the fourth of them, nor are there five but that He is the sixth of them - and no less than that and no more except that He is with them [in knowledge] wherever they are. Then He will inform them of what they did, on the Day of Resurrection. Indeed Allah is, of all things, Knowing.

          Have you not considered those who were forbidden from private conversation, then they return to that which they were forbidden and converse among themselves about sin and aggression and disobedience to the Messenger? And when they come to you, they greet you with that [word] by which Allah does not greet you and say among themselves, "Why does Allah not punish us for what we say?" Sufficient for them is Hell, which they will [enter to] burn, and wretched is the destination.

          O you who have believed, when you converse privately, do not converse about sin and aggression and disobedience to the Messenger but converse about righteousness and piety. And fear Allah , to whom you will be gathered.

          Private conversation is only from Satan that he may grieve those who have believed, but he will not harm them at all except by permission of Allah . And upon Allah let the believers rely.

          • Yes Saba it really is a powerful reminder, things are so clearly written in the Quran if anyone chose to follow them - the solutions are all there.

  2. Salam
    Jazakallah khair for answering my question. I would just like to clear he hasn't met any of these women he just talks and texts them . I know for a fact he hasn't slept with anyone.

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