Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Troubled… who should I choose?

There is a solution to every problem

There is a solution to every problem


I recently got married in February after my divorce of my first marriage that lasted for years. Within those years I had two wonderful daughters. That marriage didn’t last- hence the new marriage.

I got married to against my parents’ wishes as they said they didn’t want me to marry this lady, she has a child from her previous marriage.

We met in September and got married a few months later as we didn’t want to go down the route of Sin. So we did. My parents were not happy at all and have not spoken to me since.

As time has moved on I have learned that my wife has had a lot of bad habits- she was a drug addicted and consumed a lot of alcohol- her previous partner was of the same nature.

I have never done any of those things and refrained from it- she does now try to be good and does practice any of those exercises, however it is always niggling in the back of my head ‘what if’ she does? Then?

I recently spoke to my parents and they said if I wanted to have any relationship with them I would have divorce my wife- our cultures are different (me and my wife) but I haven’t let that get in the way of anything.

We live in UK – I have a very well paid job and alhumdulillah I thank the lord for this every day. However I feel I have no money, there is no barakha in anything that is preformed, I feel like I want to leave but then I look at my wife and think- she cooks and cleans- moans but I guess that’s mandatory but overall she is ok.

I am torn between two worlds if I choose my parents I lose my wife- if I choose my wife I lose my parents.

Please can you shed some guidance.

Thank you.

Mr S

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6 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    I really feel for you. It's never easy to be in a middle of such predicament Parents vs Wife.
    Well, with regards to your wifes past, it is now irrelevant as she is not doing all these sins as you are describing her as being a nice practicing wife.
    With regards to your parents wish.. they should really understand that is now too late as you married her. Parents can sometimes be so unfair and somehow selfish as they don't see how torturing what their demand can mean to you.

    Above all, Allah strongly dislike divorces. Perhaps you could remind your parents of that. You clearly don't have the reason to do so Eg. doing drugs, alcohol.. cheating... .

    Perhaps you can sit down with your parents and explain how hurt you are by the whole situation, ask for their forgiveness, tell them tgat in the din, you don't have the reason to proceed for divorce.
    Maybe, invite them to yours, ask your wife to cook a feast so they can get to know her and see how well she is taking care of you.

    Allah will eventually sort your issue out inshallah.

    Best regards

  2. Since you have got married and you felt she is ok and gave up bad habits, it's unlawful for you to divorce her.

    Beside try to manage your parents because they are valuable than anyone else. Let them perceive your situation and try again and again. God willing, one day they might accept.

    Best wishes.

  3. Give your wife a chance, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Don't judge her on her past but her present. No woman you marry will be perfect human is.

    As for your parents, they have to get over it. You are not a little boy they can control, but a man who has choices.

    Write them a letter telling them how you feel, and how hurt you are that they are not communicating with you and pray and leave the rest to Allah. Keep trying to communicate, do your part and inshallah they will realize that not talking to you is kind of silly as you are already married and won't change their mind because they are performing a silent protest.

    • Assalamu'alaykom!

      I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with the suggested method. I strongly recommend that the OP does not write them a letter. I once wrote my parents a letter addressing some issues and just the fact that I would approach them through a letter hurt them immensely. Instead I recommend that the Brother speaks to them and tells them how their behaviour makes him feel. Maybe he can tell them that he married this woman that has done nothing but good to him and that he loves for the sake of Allah and ask if they cannot love her for the sake of Allah that they at least try to accept her? And may Allah guide and help us all!

  4. Salaams,

    In my view, it's sinful for your parents to ask you to divorce your wife for such frivolous reasons. If you were to divorce her for these reasons, I believe you also would be sinful. So in that course of action, there are 3 people in sin, and your wife is left an innocent victim.

    If you keep your wife, you are not sinning. Not bowing to a haraam request of your parents is not disobedience in the eyes of Allah. You win, your wife wins, and your parents are still accountable for their choices regardless.

    In these instances, what matters is the hereafter. Your wife cleaned up her life and got away from those bad habits because she wanted to earn favor with Allah. Do you want to earn favor with Allah, or with your parents? Whose favor are they trying to earn? It sounds like they are bowing to their own nafs, and not submitting to what Allah has put together in your marriage.

    Put your marriage and your wife first, as you should. Allah will bless you for your obedience in shaa Allah. Your parents will have to work out their own issues themselves, you cannot save them from judgment on this no matter what you choose because they are sinning to push you in this direction either way.

    Instead of looking what you might lose in this life, consider what you might lose for the next. That should help clarify which course to take, in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

    • Right, that being said, you are (and will never be) given the right to 'cut off' with your parents. If they do cut off with you, you bind your ties with them. Call them back, try your utmost to maintain with them. Try to be kind and gentle with them (whether they are right or not is a completely different issue).

      Try and visit them if possible. If they slam the door on you, no problem. Come back, visit some other times.

      Whatever Amy wrote is correct, but I hope it doesn't confuse you with giving up parent's rights all together.

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