I have trust issues with my husband.
Salaams all, I have read some of the questions on here and feel foolish writing about mine because its seems trivial compared to some of the troubles facing many of the brothers and sisters here. However, this issue that i have is really bothering me and affects my day to day life as well as my relationship with my husband.
Ive been married for 5 years now, my husband grew up in a western country but alhamdulillah kept himself away from all temptations. After marriage he told me candidly how difficult it was for him esp when he was young to keep himself safe from committing zina. he related incidents of when he was attracted to someone and how he was saved from doing anything haram etc and how he started fasting to keep himself safe. I know full well that he never has touched another and has always been clean. i trust his past is clean completely as he was always striving to get married to a pious wife.
My problem is that during our marriage he has let slip many of his inner thoughts that make me suspect him. For example once he said that shaitaan is always putting the most prettiest teenagers in front of him and a lot of 'jinns' are working against him. He also said a number of times that men are promiscuous by nature and monogamous by choice. A couple of times he also said that as men grow older they tend to like younger women. (these were general comments not directed at himself but i suspect he was speaking from his own feelings etc)
I also noticed that when there is a billboard or pic of women in provocative dressing he cant help but look several times. when we are out shopping i follow his gaze and see him look at posters of models or girls dressed in provocative clothing ie hot pants sometimes its a glance sometimes its couple of glances. At first i really suffered mentally watching him do this but could never muster up the courage to discuss it with him for fear of arguments ( as each argument we had/have leaves us not talking to each other for days on end).
on our second year of marriage we both discussed our new years resolution. one of his one he read out to me was to control his anger, greed and lust. I immediately started thinking who is he lusting for? this has stayed with me a long time and even now bothers me.
During this time he went through a very difficult period where he was out of work and he used to stay up late many night on the computer out of depression or for distraction. I checked history and noticed on couple of these nights he was up watching you tube links of women in bikinis and provocative sexual scenes from movie clips. It really shocked me and made me very unhappy but yet again i didn't confront him due to fear of argument and what it will do to my marriage. but i promised myself if he did it again i will confront him. The courage came from Allah swt when i visited my relatives and upon returning after sometime i checked history and found many links to you tubes of similar viewing ie women in bikinis/provocative movie clips/music etc. i confronted him via email and we had a huge blow up when he at first denied it and asked me to show proof and then when i did said that when he is watching something clean other links come up which makes him curious so he goes on them and one thing leads to another. I know for a fact he hates pornography and has probably never viewed it but inst this soft porn?
Ever since that confrontation i noticed he hasn't been on anything like that again but in regards to looking at pics of models, IE Victoria secrets shops are everywhere and whenever we walk past i can c that he cant help but glance at them and makes me very uncomfortable and unhappy or we pass a magazine stand with women in bikinis i see him glance at it couple of times as though he cant help himself or a pretty teenager in hot pants always gets his attention too.
very recently we had an argument after which i stopped talking to him and once again he stayed up online a little late. i wanted to check history but i noticed that he had cleared it which is now causing me to be deeply suspicious and upset about what he was looking at.
To be honest i just want advice from mainly brothers on how to deal with this. Is this normal male behavior and am i making too much of it? he is very religious in all other aspects ie prays, fasts all the time etc and has very high morals and principals and in general is a very good and loving husband. Just this quality of his is really affecting me.
Am i too insecure? or is there a real issue here with my husband that i need to confront? and how do i best confront this issue without creating a rift between us? i just want him to lower his gaze outside and not to look at anything provocative online. To be honest i hate going shopping with him because most of the time i get depressed after we return because i keep replaying in my mind who he looked at and how many times etc. I have observed other men but i truly feel like my husband looks a lot more than most. please advise me as i suffer greatly from this issue. I know Insha'Allah he will never cheat on me physically...but what about the zina of the eyes? i cannot live with that. please give me honest and sincere advice on what i should do to help him and myself. JazkakAllah everyone in advance, may Allah reward u all.
lemontree33
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Dear Lemon,
I think you are worrying for no reason. He is doing what he is programmed to do and that is involuntarily glance at passing women. I guess as the saying goes, the first look is ok.
The other problem of watching youtube is also much better than straight up porn which might happen in the near future if it isnt controlled.
To remedy this, i reckon you should see what is lacking in you in personality and in appearance and how to keep his attention to yourself.
Regards
Assalaamualaikam
"see what is lacking in you in personality and in appearance"... Possibly that could have been phrased a little more tactfully?
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salams, Indeed...
Raised my eyebrows from where I was sitting...
Sister R
Assalam alaikum br. AhmedAAZA,
I read your comment and I wondered how you would respond to an unmarried brother who would be behaving exactly like sister lemon's husband?
Your comment implies that it is alright for single Muslim men to behave in this way, since the blame ultimately lies on a wife who can't catch the attention of her husband. Yet, you said that men involuntarily gaze at women, it is in their programming--so how then can a wife ever control this?
Well I don’t know what to say but to me his behavior is absolutely normal because I am a man not yet married but that's how I am and all my friends are like that. Men by nature are like that, their biggest desire is to have sex otherwise the population wouldn't be 7 billion. Sexual release is like food to men without it we cannot function properly. Any man that says otherwise is doing so just to make his wife happy or look good.
The thing you should be happy about is that he is controlling his nafs and not acting upon it.
I strongly object to your comment, it's not normal for religious Muslim married man who prays,fasts regularly to watch bikni clad women online in secret and on billboards in front of his wife or even behind her back. He has a false sense of pride because he remained a virgin before marriage and has now become over-confident that he might not fall into major sins, while he is committing small sins, I think he is just being deceived by Shaytan.
The Psychological Tricks of Shaytan
The Foot in the Door Technique
This is a simple yet highly effective compliance technique. The idea behind this method is that once you have entered into the home of a potential client, it is much easier to influence and secure the sale. The effect is not so overt at first. The approach is gradual, little by little. Shaytan will not come and attack you directly with the whispers of worshipping others besides Allah, but he will gradually attempt this by a lesser approach. First Shaytan will encourage you to perform smaller sins or encourage you to start neglecting your good deeds. Then once you have submitted to his will he will slowly he will increase his influence until you have left the worship of Allah alone completely.
Once you have complied to Shaytan’s lesser request, you will be more likely to comply to his larger request .
I could NOT agree more with your comment in general especially about the psychological tricks of shaytan
I do agree with you, and what I meant to write is that some give in to shaytan while some do control themselves. It is in our nature to look at women and islam is about controlling ones nafs. Her husband does sound a little weak in that aspect but better than most muslim men so the sister shouldn't worry much and be happy.
Salam,
Intresting read.. women would love this post, but on a serious level what your saying is logical and is correct. However, we all fall short in something, one way or the other (not saying you were saying that of course).
but intresting to read and hear from a brother. Thanks,
Allah guide us all,
Sister R
If gazing at women or watching haram videos is normal for a man who has been living a virgin his whole life, then he should not consider himself a complete chaste. Just as there is race in many things, there is also race in chastity. When you take little sins for granted, you lose the race, and you will find out this when we get to Allah. If you have stayed a virgin your whole life, why can't you perfect what you did by being patient and lowering your gaze, and then gain the complete reward and more from Allah (swt)?
Something just approaching your gaze without your efforts is normal and you must change the direction of your gaze quickly and seek protection of Allah from Shaitan. However, you being the one making the efforts to gaze at haram, isn't a normal thing for a righteous man.
You say you are like that and all your friends are like that too (and therefore all men are like that). You did well by not saying righteous men are like that too. If the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and his Sahabah are excluded from the generalization you made, then all the righteous men who followed them wholeheartedly are as well, excluded from the generalization.
If any of my friends saw something haram, he would turn his gaze while saying something like, "A'udhu Billah" or Astaghfirullah". He won't feel ok about what he saw until he makes some zikr for sometime - by Allah, if you are near, you might think someone has passed away. I learn good habits from my friends, not bad habits.
We should always work towards completing our chastity by abstaining from an atom's weight of acts.
As the Prophet (s.a.w.s) said, “Verily, Allah loves that when anyone of you does a job he should perfect it” (Al-Bayhaqi).
Sayyiduna Abu Dardai (r.a) also said, "The complete Taqwa, is for the servant to fear Allah in an atom's weight of acts, till he leaves what he sees as halal, lest it becomes haram (or leads to haram)."
"And race towards forgiveness from your Lord, and a Garden as wide as the heavens and the earth, prepared for the righteous." (Quran 3: 133) "...this is what competitors should compete for." (Quran 83: 26)
Assalam alaikum,
I think there are a few clarifications to be made. While certain emotions and feelings in men and women are normal, these feelings do not justify behaviour. It has been suggested that it is normal for men to gaze at women - but this 'normal' is for whom? It is also quite normal for men and women to be intimate with each other and not be married - but this is 'normal' for whom? We should be very careful about what we allow ourselves to do just because something is a soceital norm or normal among friends or normal on television, etc, etc.
I also seem to be reading in between the line that some men think that because they are "more" sexual by nature, that their behaviour is justified in gazing at women. I am not sure if this somehow is implying that women are not tempted to look at men, but that isn't true. Again, Allah has instructed both men and women to lower their gaze and I will believe that our Creator knows us better than anyone and He therefore knows that this rule will ultimately benefit us all. Allah knows that we would be attracted to the opposite gender, so He was very clear to BOTH genders. Women are not so forward with their desires, but that doesn't mean they are void of them.
I personally think that married or not, if a man is going to continue to indulge in looking at women lustfully, it won't matter if he has 1, 2, 3 or 4 wives, a certain number of women will not satisfy him--and if a man is single, looking at women in this way isn't going to help his situation - no matter how many fasts he keeps. I really do not think it boils down to marriage (alone) will solve the problem. Some people think "oh get married" and then everything will be fine - not if you don't develop good habits. Attitude is key.
While I agree that sister Lemontree shouldn't worry (for herself), BUT out of love for her husband, she should worry about him seeking gratification online. I mean think about it, the people who typically write here about their problems, were at some point facing not very significant issues, but over time it got worse. So before this problem does spiral out of control (Allah forbid), as we know shaytaan is patient and doesn't give up, sister Lemontree can follow the advices of Sister Amy, Sister Midnightmoon, Brother Issah and Brother J. I don't think it is wise to just do nothing. I also don't think it is wise to be over-emotional and hurt either. Be understanding, loving, seek the help of Allah first and foremost.
Sister Lemontree, you asked below how to avoid being hurt and not bothered - I know you didn't ask me (and inn shaa Allah, others will give you very good advice), but I would suggest that strengthen your relationship with Allah swt. If your main reason to do something for your family is to make Allah happy, the pain caused by others becomes irrelevant when our primary purpose is to please Allah. It is natural for a wife to feel happy or sad due to her husband's behaviour, but it should not be the ultimate reason for happiness/sadness. We are all humans and we make errors, but Allah, He is Perfect. Allah created us. Imagine that before you existed, that a time came when Allah brought your soul into existence and that He loves you more than anyone. So, love your husband, but do it to please Allah. If he does something that hurts you, don't forget that he is human - do dhikr at that moment to calm your nerves and distract your mind from replaying the event in your head. Use your head at that moment - rather than using your emotions. We all have struggles in this life and though we can't have a struggle-free life, we can ask Allah for the solutions, patience, and success in our lives to make us better humans. May Allah grant your peace, happiness and joy in your married life, Ameen.
MashaAllah, exactly something I was confused about, as I see "normal" as "nothing wrong with it".
To me watching haram videos or gazing at women, isn't a "normal" thing at all, but a serious "problem" that needs to be cured. It is not different from zina. It is even indeed what has been prohibited. However, to have the desire and acknowledging the need for another wife, and then going for her in the halal way is a normal thing.
Dearest sr Saba
Your response really helped me and your advise is very apt as its something that i also realized that over time i have declined in my connection with Allah SWT. Sometimes the whispers of shaitaan and images and things he said/looked at combine in one and play in my mind to the extent i don't even feel like doing anything.
i have already spoken to him about the online activity (last year) and since then i haven't come across anything dubious (aside from the recent incident when he deleted history which made me suspicious and was the reason for coming here and seeking advise)
I would also like to speak to him about his glancing at passing posters/or girls in provocative clothing but haven't had the guts to do it yet as i cant substantiate it. He can just simply deny it and it could blow up into a massive argument. I only have my duas at the moment . It affects me so much to the extent i dislike going out with him.
jzk for your sincere duas (you sound like such a genuine hearted person mashaAllah!). I am going to work on strengthening my relationship with Allah swt i think the key to everything lies in that.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
You should know that, Iman is increased by good deeds, and Iman is reduced by evil deeds. When a person is always engaged in religious activities, the ways to good deeds become easy for them, and the more the person is far away from religious activities, the more the ways of evil deeds become easy for them.
You should observe the state of both of you now, and compare it to the beginning of your marriage, and then see whether there have been any improvement in your religious activities or not, and then work towards achieving better. For example, did you add new activities, did your activities reduce or are they still the same old activities?
Keep on reminding your husband of Allah, and of himself in a polite way like his best close friend. Remind him that, he had been so strong and brave throughout the difficult times in his past, and now Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed him with a righteous wife, so he shouldn't allow these little habits that can't even be compared to what he faced in the past ruin all his past efforts today. Do this without involving your emotions- this may lead him to be honest with you whenever he has a problem and needs help.
1- Both of you, should engage in praying Tahajjud together at nights (you could wake him up too).
2- Read the Holy Quran everyday, in addition to hadiths about chastity and the rewards.
3- Watch lectures about Taqwa and heart tendency, in addition to topics about Zuhd.
4- Go out together to listen to speeches of interesting Scholars or at least to Jum'a.
5- Read your Morning and Evening du'as, in addition to Zikr a lot.
6- Ask forgiveness of Allah for each other, and ask Allah for guidance.
7- Learn about each other very well, and then satisfy each other in what is adorable to each other in a halal way, in addition to looking good for each other everyday and night.
And please remember that, if your intention is for Allah, and you pray for Him to help your husband, He will surely guide him, InshaAllah.
Read very very carefully,
The more you argument with him the more trouble you will get. So, first stop this argument thing. Second, what you need to concern is your husband. In your case it is simple as well as difficult. Why? Because your husband prays and is a good husband no doubt. But at the same time he has already developed an insight into porn. Which is the difficult part. But of course not impossible to manage. His sexual needs are growing day by day. He should be lowering his gaze because he has married already and that should help him a lot. But in your case it is not working out.
Let me elaborate it for you. Once a Muslim husband marries a woman. His sexual desires decreases and all the sexual needs husband normally completes from the wife and so does the woman. Because both have needs and desires. Which varies from time to time. But it must decrease as hadiths are the proof. I will not quote the hadiths here. In his mind he has developed a psyche that since I am married I can watch porn and so and so. And he is actually developing a need for a second marriage. Now what you have to do is to stop being argumentative with him. And change your attitude towards him. You have to. Otherwise it will be very late. He will go for a second wife without letting you know if you keep make arguments with him. Keep this in mind. Change your attitude towards him. He probably have high mood swings. That is why he is watching the teenage girls in skinny jeans. You start wearing jeans for him. and let him do it for you. Tell him to cloth you. It sounds absurd to you I know but since you have to get his attention and cover his that part (psyche) you have to be in it. Because you don't have to be outside his mind. Get into his mind.
Pray with him. Busy him with you with other activities that you both can do together. Make him dependent on you without letting him know that you are doing it by purpose. Cause if he develops a doubt he will try to make a way out. Don't let it happen.
I hope you get the answers here. Insha'Allaah. Above all prayers are must without prayers you can't reach your goal so never ever forget Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala).
Best regards!
Allaah Knows the Best!
Salaams,
I know you said you wanted responses from mostly men, but I think some responses from sisters who have been married and have experience with these issues is merited as well.
The truth is, most of the women we hear from are not writing in because their husbands notice other women while they are out and about. No, usually women are complaining that their men are watching porn or cheating on them outright. I am not saying that the different things your husband has viewed online is ideal, but I am sure many women would rather be dealing with that than the vicious sex addictions their husbands do have. Your husband is doing much better than the most, though clearly he's not perfect.
And to me, that is what you seem to be expecting: perfection. It seems you want him to never look at another beautiful woman under any circumstances, no matter what. That is an unrealistic expectation. Can we, as females, not notice other beautiful women ourselves? Do we not often compare ourselves to other women, to see who is dressed better or looking more beautiful? If we do that among ourselves, then it's entirely logical that men -who desire women naturally- would also notice the beauty of women and be drawn to it.
Remember, men are made to want to be with women sexually, so in a sense "lust" is natural. It's what a man does with it that makes it unnatural.
A man will look at other women, it's a fact that must be accepted. However, Islam teaches men to avoid it by lowering their gaze. This is to reduce the fitna, not eliminate it altogether (that's impossible in these times). If a man does look at a woman, then the first look is permitted. If he looks again after that, then he is accountable for what he is thinking and feeling and what his intentions are when he does so (and it is possible that he may not be thinking/feeling/intending anything sinful even in that case).
I think you are struggling with an above-average level of insecurity. Fixing the perceived problems in your husband is not going to remedy that. You need to work on your confidence and security by acknowledging that if he is remaining faithful to you, pleasing you, treating you well, etc...you have nothing to feel worried about.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikam
I think it's a natural urge for some men to notice an attractive woman, just as we will sometimes notice someone who stands out in a crowd for whatever reason. Being a natural urge doesn't give people a free pass, though - we are told to lower our gaze and avoid even approaching zina, so we (brothers and sisters alike) need to keep that in mind and adjust our behaviour accordingly; after the first look, it is the responsibility of the person to ensure they control their nafs and exercise Islamically appropriate behaviour.
It might help to try to discuss your worries with your husband in a non-confrontational way. You could try explaining to him that you have been feeling insecure about your relationship recently, and would like to discuss it with him; you could then ask him to reassure you about his feelings and commitment towards you, and the two of you could discuss ways to further strengthen the bond between you - for example, you could mention how it makes you feel when he watches those online videos, and he may raise issues that have been concerning him.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Sister Lemontree,
Men and women are undoubtedly programmed differently, but still both are instructed to lower their gazes.
Al Quran 24:30 to part of iyat 31
I don't think a person can say that women don't look at men at all. So I am not sure how much of our programming we can use as an excuse when Allah has instructed us to behave in very particular ways socially. While your husband may be right about how he feels, it doesn't justify his behaviour. Having said that though, I don't think you should get upset because it hurts you - I think it would be valid to have him engage in thinking how this will affect his accountability with Allah swt without comparing his sins with those who committ zina. Often shaitaan uses this tactic in our psyche to encourage us to do small sins because they are not as great as the sins of others.
So rather than making your feelings the main reason to stop him from gazing at other women, perhaps you can take a different approach as outlined in the Quran [66:6].
The good thing is that your husband is good to you, takes care of you, loves you. Focus on those things above all and when you approach those things that are weaknesses, try to do so in the light of Islam and how it affects his image with Allah swt. Do special things for your husband like dressing especially for him and make a point to let him know that you understand him. I pray the best for you and your husband - May Allah multiply the love between you and him many-fold, Ameen.
One thing I would like to add in general to the brothers who think it is alright (key word) to continue gazing at women, keep in mind, that someone is most likely gazing at your wife, mother and daughters in the same way.Simply put, if a husband tries to justify looking at women, is it then justified for other men to gaze at his wife for the same reason? When the tables are turned, the reality doesn't seem so pretty afterall.
Salaams All,
I am so grateful for all the advice.
SISTER AMY: Your advice touched me the most and made the most sense to me. Allah has blessed you with true insight and your advise on this site is invaluable. JZK
One thing i would like to ask is : what advise would you give someone like me to overcome/deal with my insecurities? How do i stop getting hurt over stuff like this and not allow it to bother me?
SISTER SABA: Jzk for your comments and esp your sincere dua. I make the same dua for you! Ameen. when i did confront him i did it from an Islamic stance and quoted quranic verses and hadith. My husband is a very honest and candid person and likes the same back. He questioned why i didn't approach him the very first time i noticed what he watched.
MIDNIGHTMOON: Thats how i planned to approach it when i confronted him but i am too emotional about this subject to be rational. I think once i overcome the insecurity i can respond to it normally and be more rational.
MASOOD: Jzk for your advise. I know my husband very well and though i am insecure i know he has no intention of taking a second wife. As for the arguments, valid point. Things have improved vastly in that department. Also he told me at the very beginning of our marriage how much marriage has helped him in many respects. he didn't outline it but i understood what he meant.
As some of your mentioned appearance and dressing i generally take very good care of myself and my husband is very attracted to me alhamdulillah. He prasies me often. However i have my own personal issues which doesn't allow me to dress in certain clothing that i think he may enjoy. A womans body changes with age/children and i cannot dress like a teenager but i try my best. Also i noticed he watches those stuff when he is depressed/unhappy/ or we have a fall out.
ISSAH: JZk for your wonderful tips. It is defiantly something that both of us need to work on. Some of the things you mentioned we are doing but we need to do more as only an increase in imaan will help us both.
BROTHER J : I agree with you. Not normal. So how do you control your gaze? what helps you? Perhaps i can suggest/try those with my husband?
Sister lemontree33, a man is literally what he thinks about, his character being the complete sum of his thoughts. A particular train of thoughts persistent in, be it good or bad cannot fail to produce a result in the character and circumstances.
A good character person does not suddenly fall into major sins of the flesh, by stress of any external force, but by the lustful thoughts he/she has been fostering for long in the heart and fell for it when the opportunity presented itself.
, I agree, in this day, living in a non-Muslim country and being exposed to fifth and temptations all around ,it's not easy for both men & women to control their gazes,but the thing to remember is "You can’t stop birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair.”
What your husband needs to do is control his thoughts by keeping himself busy by whatever means. I suggest reading hadiths might purify his thought process, Insha'Allah ( Riyad-us-Saliheen by Imam An-Nawawi vol 1&2, its a compilation of authentic hadiths with commentary, one of the best hadith books I have read).
My late father (May Allah grant him Jannah) taught me a dua when I was very young, which should be recited before leaving the home daily.. Alhamdulillah, I religious followed his advice to this day and unknowingly I think, the dua has helped me protect my gaze all these years whenever I go out.
.
A few months ago, I read a hadith about the same dua and fully understood its benefits. Following is the hadith with the dua.
Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Whoever says (upon leaving his house): `Bismillah, tawakkaltu `alallah, wa la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah [I begin with the Name of Allah; I trust in Allah; there is no altering of conditions but by the Power of Allah], it will be said to him: You are guided, defended and protected. The devil will go far away from him".[Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi and An-Nasai].
Abu Dawud reported it with this addition: "One devil will say to another: How can you deal with a man who has been guided, defended and protected?".(Riyad-us-Saliheen – Hadith No. 1457)
Brother J, we do read that dua alhamdulillah when we are out and about. However i didn't know the commentary on it and now it will help me to reflect on the meaning and know that we are protected! I will also remind my husband of this hadith and its meaning.
I also think that its easier for some men to lower their gaze than others. Some men are inclined to notice more and others less and so on. You have been blessed in this way mashaAllah and this is not one of your tests.
for some women this issue that i find with my husband wouldn't have bothered them in the least, but everyone is a test on the other and this is my test as it bothers me a lot and affects me greatly. i agree with you wholeheradtly that a practicing man should be able to guard his gaze or at least work on guarding it. I think he now does it without even thinking as its a habit that he formed when he was single and it continued into his marriage.
Wa Alaikum Salaam Warahmatullah Wabarakaatuh Sister,
I see that you are asking about suggestions for your husband, and InshaAllah, you will get good response from Brother J. But for the meantime, I'd say that the basic thing that could help your husband is for him to be reminded of his greatest desire in life, which is to attain the pleasure of Allah. Anything of the Dunya, which Allah Has made lawful to him is a blessing and gift from Allah for him, and therefore he should be grateful to Allah, and not desire anything beyond that through haram ways.
The Prophet (s.a.w.s) truly loved his halal wives very much, just as he loved halal perfumes very much. However, his greatest desire was in salah (ibadah), not in haram acts- and the righteous men follow the same steps. He (s.a.w.s) said, "I have been made to love from your Dunya, women (of course his halal wives), fragrances; but the apple of my eye has been putting in salah." (Ahmed, Al-Nisa'i, Al-Bayhaqi and Tabrani)
The way you can remind your husband perfectly of his greatest desire, is by following the tip number 3 (as I have mentioned previously), as it opens the eye of the heart through the light of Yaqeen. When the eye in the heart has been opened, the person ignores Dunya and its adornments, except what he really needs from what Allah Has made lawful for him (like a wife).
So get the point carefully, and everything shall be successful, InshaAllah. Combining the tip number 1 and 3 could inshaAllah help ease most of the work in the tip number 7, as Scholars have mentioned that it unites one another with a great passion, due to the extra-brightness. This also may help in lowering gaze, since both of you have realized the reality and value of one another, through the real eye.
You may find most of the things in need from this link http://sunnah.com/
For example,
To make the Heart Tender
http://sunnah.com/bukhari/81
The Book of Heart-Melting Traditions
http://sunnah.com/muslim/49
The Book of Zuhd and Softening of Hearts
http://sunnah.com/muslim/55
I'd suggest you buy some DVDs/CDs that contain such topics, or at least search through the youtube.
For example, you may follow this link for lectures by Sheikh Yusuf Badat.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Sh.Yusuf+Badat+-+Hadith+Halaqah+Series&page=2
You may start reading/watching them first, and then let your husband know what you have been doing, while you share with him the interesting things, and then slowly get him involved, inshaAllah.
Brother issah, i will heed your advise and try to follow tip 1,3 and 7. They are great tips and a means to increasing ones imaan. Tip 7 i am in the habit of doing and my husband is satisfied with my overall appearance, There are certain 'dress' he prefers but i haven't been able to fulfill some of them due to my own insecurities but overall he is not disstaified with my appearance alhamdulillah.
I have seen men with wives who are physically ill and they are loving and caring and have eyes only for their wives. And there are men who have beautiful wives but their eyes are roving constantly. I agree with sr saba that if a man is lustful four wives wont satisfy their lust. It has to be harnessed and controlled through ibadah and zikr and so on and they will find satisfaction with that one wife even if some days she isn't looking her best or not.
Read carefully,
I really don't want to go in detail. But Trust in Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala). I agree what you said 100%. That he had no intention of a second wife insha'Allaah! Amen! Then what I meant after is then evident clearly. Psychologically, somewhere deep in his mind, there are unfulfilled desires. The way you defined him there in that discussion platform was evident. No doubt, it is normal for a male. And it is inherited in every single human being regardless of the gender. But the question is the frequency that you highlighted in your query. I am not going to say that sister I am creating a doubt factor in you Allaah Forbade me Amen! astaghfirullah! But my only answer was that you have to be in his psyche. I was cautious about the frequency of his looking at the teenage girl posters. Trust Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) that after marriage the husband when sees his wife, that helps him to lower his gaze. I will not quote the supporting hadith again here. Now, as you said about your BMI (you didn't). Check your BMI. Buy a home gym (small items) that you can manage, if you have time. It seems that you have kids to look over then.
As you said that masha'Allaah he is attracted to you. That is your plus point alhumdulillah! Take advantage of this factor. And make it worth for yourself. In a nutshell, he must say to you that how important you are for him. Psychologically, the more your importance increases in his mind, the more he will be attached to you. And this will lead a room automatically in his psyche again which is equal to respect for all women in general. Now, when that things start happening don't doubt him. Cause it was you who started the trust factor for woman in his mind.
Remember this always : -
(Your target: You must be in his mind as well as in his heart.)
(His target: My wife is in my heart ONLY and in my mind (---here there is a room for other women as well--) as well). [When this happens don't doubt your husband]
See, this is how psyche works. You will achieve your target insha'Allaah! I guess you have achieved it already. Amen!
Best regards,
Allaah Knows the Best!
When you say that psychologically deep in his mind he has unfulfilled desires do you mean to say all men have that? or some men only? what are you basing this on in regards to my husband?
Everything i wrote in my query happened over the course of five years of marriage. He himself told me that marriage has helped him a lot. i assumed this to be in regards to his lowering his gaze. It may have been worse before.
He is happy with my physical aspect but no real woman is perfect.
i liked what you wrote in your target and i agree with it in terms of reality. I have to come to accept that in his mind there will be room for other women as this is how Allah swt created men. in theory it is easy to accept but in practice it is very difficult for any woman.
"I also noticed that when there is a billboard or pic of women in provocative dressing he cant help but look several times."
What was that?
Have you forgotten your own words? Sister! Lowering gaze is physical. It's like i know many people who say, "My heart is pure and I can see any nude woman and my shyness is in my heart, it does not matter if I am looking a nude woman or a porn."
See, how arrogant people are.
Regarding your question to " do you mean to say all men have that? or some men only? what are you basing this on in regards to my husband?"
It depends on the education and training they get since their childhood. All men have sexual desires and so does the women. But it depends on the person how he/she has perceived it through their thought process. If he had suppressed the desires before in a particular state of mind thinking to do it but could not cause of certain circumstances and conditions then the desires become suppressed and is triggered through certain events in life again.
Anyways, keep your morale up. Thumbs up!
Allaah Knows the Best!
Hi Moderators!
I can't put answers!
Is everything okay? Suddenly what happened? I can't answer any post.
I really did not get this. New post I am automatically deleted. I mean that's it. You guys don't want me to answer. If this is the case then let me know.
Assalaamualaikam
I've approved and replied to your other question about this; if you have any concerns, I'm happy to answer them over there, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Walaikumusalam warehmatullahe wabarakatuhu!
No I did not get any replies. What is happening?
Assalaamualaikam
Check on the "Dua for admission to medical school" question - I've replied there.
If you can't see that, try the old "turn it off and on again" and see if that helps. Relax, though - as far as I'm aware, you've not been banned or blocked.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Hey Issah! Jazaak'Allaah!
How could you possibly make such a huge assumption that this sisters husband doesn't like her. I don't agree at all. There is no reason for a second marriage here! Please think twice before you give advice.
Excuse me ! Some of the advices to the sister are outright critical and demeaning. I'm sure this lady is more gorgeous and unique than the uncovered jewels her husband is gazing at. Lady don't worry . You are beautiful, amazing and the woman who show off their bodies to Everyman in the shops are unintelligent because they wouldn't want strange men to stare at them and we know these days any person can secretly take a photo of you and all these other consequences .And the men who let their wives show off themselves are nothing but cuckolds , they aren't men , they are magazine boys who like their magazine girls.
Sister your husband loves you that's why he lets you know what's on his mind.
My advice is firstly shop at quiet times when pensioners go shopping lol unless he likes older woman too( you never know lol).At least they dress more modestly.
Also if you notice him look tell him read the verse " tell the believing men and women to lower their gaze" in Arabic or English , yes remind him .
Make prayer for him: " oh allah help my husband to lower his gaze"
And pray for the unintelligent woman who are so dumb they flirt their body for every Boy in the shops, streets and magazine because it is because of these unintelligent, deluded women beautiful sisters like yourself are going through the dilemma. May Allah guide them and us all.
First of all don't accept this behavior and think it's okay. There are tons of good guys out there. Your husband has no excuse to act like a complete idiotic moron and look at other females. Do not be a pushover and allow this. U deserve to be treated as the only woman in his life and he should NOT be looking at other females idc where they are. A good.man lowers his gaze and only has eyes for his wife. Don't listen to the other comments that make ur husbands actions seem ok or less than what they really are. Honestly his actions disgust me.
If you get married then you will stop this for sure. If it doesn't stop despite marriage then it's a mental problem and you need treatment.