Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trust Issues

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Dear all,

I have a question about trust. Can there be a marriage without trust?

My husband had/has a narcotic problem. I don't mean normal cigarettes. When he smokes a particular laced tobacco, his words are slurry, he acts like a fool and he is just checked out. Its very highly stressful for me because it feels like he's gone. Our worst episode was last year. I was in a frenzy for 2 months or so. I know all the tell tale signs. He would lie outrightly to my face and etc. It was basically a nightmare for me.

We were trying for children and stuff like this happens. I get very shaken and am completely traumatised by this.

He makes good on his promises for a while and then it happens again. I am really exhausted (emotionally, mentally and physically). I get anxiety attacks and nightmares because of this.

I am also disgusted at the way I behaved. The words I've uttered and I've become so suspicious then I've started checking everything, trailing him. This isn't me. I didn't use to be like this. I am not a manic irrational person. I am fearful for the way I have behaved during these episodes.

How do we heal from here? How do I sabr?

scjuly1982

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6 Responses »

  1. assalaamu alaykum scjuly1982

    I'm truly sorry to learn about your marital problems. Could you please be a bit more specific, as to exactly What your husband is smoking? Is it pot or opium or something else? Does he get "inebriated" from it, or just silly? Does it make him violent or otherwise frightening?
    I need to understand why you react so Strongly to it. Is it perhaps because you assume that what he smokes is Haraam that you get "frantic"? Obviously if trust can not be restored your marriage will capsize, but maybe the problem can be attacked from two ends. I assume you're doing dua' to Ar Rahman swt?

  2. Assalaamualaykum scjuly1982

    Your trust should first and foremost be in Allah...trust that He knows what you are going through, that He has a plan for you, and that He will see you through this plan, as He is your Creator.

    Now, It's normal that you've lost trust in your husband after multiple broken promises, at least as far as his drug usage goes. I'm assuming this doesn't extend to anything else though, as it shouldn't necessarily. He is good to you otherwise, no?

    He does, however, need help if he is smoking laced cigarettes regularly (I'm assuming this is somewhat of an addiction, as you say he has a "problem."). Narcotics are painkillers...is that what you meant, or did you mean "nicotine" problem? If his tobacco/nicotine is laced, he needs to focus on drug rehabilitation on some level.

    He'll first need to admit he has a problem, a stage that he may not have reached by this point, and quite frankly that he may not reach anytime soon unless you put your foot down and inform him of the marital consequences of his continuing his addiction (as you are suffering greatly from this as well and deserve relief.) This could include separation until he really has stopped and remained clean for a good period of time.

    Once he admits he has a problem, he may need to see a counselor for support while weaning off of the substance, because he will go through a trying time trying to control thoughts of using again, and it may too much for you to take on alone. You could still remain by his side as he goes through withdrawal, depending on how much you can handle, because at this stage the test will be a different one...you'll know he is actively pursuing change and that will give you motivation to get through the hard times.

    If you continue to have nightmares and extreme stressful episodes, you may also want to seek counseling for yourself, as many who have addicted family members have to do.

    I would pray the Salah Al-Hajah, the 2-rakah "prayer for a need," with Surah Al-Ikhlas and Surah Al-Kafiroon as the two Surahs after Surah Al-Fatiha, and make sincere dua to Allah to help you with this challenge. I would do this before you do anything else, so that Allah leads you to the best solution.

    Sabr in this case will be taking action over a period of time (talking to him about it more, setting boundaries for his behavior towards you, giving him an ultimatum of some kind, and/or accompanying him to appointments) rather than just waiting, although the latter might acceptable once you've tried everything else. Time may indeed take care of the issue, but it could be long and it will just be hard as you've already suffered so much.

    May you and husband get through this phase and get the help you need to make it through.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. This is called domestic abuse. Either have him see a therapist and put him in some rehab program, or leave him. He's ruining your life and our time on earth is short, don't waste it. Sabr can only be good for so much, taking someone's sin on your self is harming your self, and that's a sin in itself.

    See a therapist first, and read Surah Rehman as many times a day as possible, for a week.

  4. Assalamualaikum wb,

    Thank you all for your reply. What I meant was that he addicted to nicotine. Where I live normal cigarettes are not illegal but what he's smoking is known as contraband and it is illegal because if the high level of nicotine present in the substance.
    When he smokes it, he forgets everything else. He forgets his husbandly duties, comes home late and etc. He embarasses himself and myself. I have tried talking to his parents but its not working because they seem to not care.
    I will take your advice and try to do the salah. Syukran everyone for your replies .

  5. as salaamu alaykum scjuly1982

    This is what your husband tells you?? That All he's smoking is high Nico cigarettes??! If so do Not Believe him! Cigarettes, no matter How high the Nicotine content, have None of the effects you describe! Weed, or some other Drug, May have that effect, If you're not used to it, but Nicotine Never!
    All Nicotine does is make you feel a bit perkier, and Satisfied, if you haven't smoked for several hours. You need to have a Serious Talk with hubby and find out what it Really Is that he's smoking! My Guess is he's hooked on Opium, which makes you very drowsy and Out of this world.

  6. Assalamu alaykum!
    I believe that "trust" is very important in marriage.

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