Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trying to save a Relationship

Brick wallAssalamu Alaikum

I'm an Italian Muslim man, I'm 22 and I converted to Islam just about exactly 2 years ago.  Before I converted, a Pakistani girl (the youngest of 4, 3 girls 1 boy) came into my life and at the time I was in no way looking for a relationship due to my past relationships seeing how I got used both times. I felt that I couldn't find the right girl who was real and not a product of todays society (I felt she didn't exist).

This Pakistani girl who at the time was 17 and I was 19 just would not leave me alone no matter how much of a front I put up trying to make myself look like a jerk just so she wouldnt fall for me and I end up in yet another wrong relationship. However, nothing could seem to push her away from me and it started to really get to me.

So I agreed to hang out with her one summer night and intended to watch the Laker's game (my favorite team) at her house. Her parents were out of town so were 2 of her sibilings, only her oldest sister was home and it just so happened that her sister caught her waiting at the back door for me and then told her to go to her room and was going to tell her parents in the morning.

This was when I began to fall for her, just the thought of her never giving up on me and that she risked getting caught just to watch the Lakers game with me (even though she doesnt know a thing about basketball).  I began to think more and more. Later that night was the first of many that we would talk over the phone for hours on end until the sun would come up just about why I was so scared to be in a relationship and why I had been putting up a front to come off as a jerk, and I specifically told her the next relationship I'm in will be the very last and I will marry the girl as I intended to in the first place with both previous relationships.

We would go on and on about each others beliefs and our morals and she would keep assuring me that she would marry me if we were to be together and never to leave me and I never leave her.  I would give her sincere advice on issues in her house with her parents and family and school issues and worries and she would always talk to me after the matter thanking me for giving such good advice and being there for her.

So even though we didnt get to spend time together right away we got to know each other very well by talking over the phone for 5+ hours a night. Then I began to see her at the gym and we would talk even more and I would show her a few pointers here and there on being fit and working out.

One day she even brought me cough drops and nasal spray and some allergy meds to the gym knowing that I wasnt feeling up to par and again I fell for her even more. She would always tell me not to leave her no matter how hard her family made it on us and she promised to never leave me and if it came to it she would leave the house, and I would give my word from my heart telling her I would never leave her and always fight for her no matter what obstacles came our way.

Now mind you that I have a lot of Muslim friends and I spent that entire summer with them and one of their brothers-in-law was an imam and came visit and would talk to me about Islam and I was very interested yet my friend would keep telling him to stop because he knew how religious I was as a catholic. But I said no, no keep going i'm interested and I like what i'm hearing because I knew from what I heard so far that Islam is right and its not what people make it out to be, it just that people are ignorant and wont listen. I said islam has everything in it that my religion does yet Islam isn't corrupt as the other religions are, how people change the words of the bible and so on, and I knew then that Jesus was not Allah's son, and that Muslims did believe in him just not as the son.

So then a very weird thing happened to me and one of my kidney's shut down and I almost died and was in the hospital for a week just having all the time to think things over and that's when I knew I was going to convert to Islam once I was better. When I got better I converted to Islam and began to attend Jummah and would go to the Musjid every chance I got. I told my girlfriend that I had converted and that it was not because of her but because in my heart I knew it was right and I opened up and listened to someone when they spoke to me about Islam and she got very excited about that and was surprised.

Then I had found out she was with another guy and left him for me, he was not Muslim and they engaged in sexual activity but not sex.  He was a friend of her brother and her family knew she was with him, but I don't think they knew about the sexual engagements that took place but they did know she would see him and talk to him and so on. So this really surprised me a lot, I'm thinking alright this is weird and I just told her you better not talk to him or associate with him anymore no matter what and she promised not to.

Then I would find out she would still contact him and he would contact her and she would call him by a flirtatious name and that really started to break the trust I had in her.  I found out he would try to make plans to see her and she even had the nerve to ask me if they could go to lunch together.  She would continue to make promises that she had no feelings for him and that he would be the one to initiate contact and that she would just ignore it if he did anymore.  Well of course I found out she would still talk to him and I would just keep forgiving and forgiving and telling her look how would u like if I were the one doing this to you.

So finally I got that to stop. Now this whole time I would wake up 2 hours early everyday just to drive 20 or 25 minutes to her school every morning and bring her breakfast, coffee, fruit, pretty much anything she wanted or needed and it was only for about 20 minutes then I had to get to campus and go to class and I would come back at her lunch time and again bring food for her water or we would go out to eat and I would always make myself late for her going back to my biology class and yet I still passed it with an A.  I did this for one and a half years every day of the school year and I would buy her gifts from little things such as a stuffed animal to sleep with at night and have sense that I'm there with her always to clothes, to jewelery, and I even bought her an engagement ring a diamond ring in which I saved up for a while to get her and put my wants aside and put her first always no matter what.

Well when her mother found the stuffed animal she said to her daughter how nice and how cute it was until she found out it came from me and she called me up screaming at me saying my daughter hates you leave her alone she doesnt want anything to do with you. She would call me racial terms such as "ginny" and tell me to go drown myself and that I am not right for her and so on and that I need to come to the house after work and get the stuffed animal it will be in the mailbox for me.  I'm not going to lie, I did cry at work after that call but I had to do my best to hold it in because I was at work and it wasnt right of me to do so.

There were times where I could only contact her by email maybe once a week even at times once a month and she would tell me not to listen to her parents and the things they did and said to me and asked me to wait for her patiently and I said yes of course I will...and I did. Then they found out we would email so they took away her computer for over a year and took away her phone for over a year and tried to cut her off from everything and they even found out I would come see her at school everyday they would send her uncle to spy and they even took her out of the school twice for some period of time and threatened to move her to Pakistan or far away.  But I didn't buy their fronts they put up. So I would wait and wait just to hear from her and I knew she wouldnt leave me and I remained patient and waited for her sure enough she contacted me as soon as she got the chance asking me to keep waiting for her and that she was scared.

One day her uncle (the one that would spy) asked me to talk to him and have coffee at his place and I agreed and the whole talk was about why I converted and why I love his neice and how I feel and so on. I pretty much poured my heart out to him and he knew that I would never treat her wrong and always be with her and love her.. and he said well in our culture we are supposed to marry another Pakistani and I said... well in Islam thats wrong your being racist, what do u believe in your culture or your religion.. i wasnt asking them to leave their culture just the bad aspects of it such as that.. So he told me he will tell his neice that she has found a great husband (to marry in the future) and that he will talk to her mother which was his older sister.

But after he talked to her mother he totally turned on me because he will listen to anything his older sister or his mother tell him to do... so from there he would go to his neice and tell her lies about me that he would see me drinking and see me talk to girls, he would tell her I had diseases and pretty much tell her any lie he could fabricate in his mind. He would say u cant trust him, he isnt right, he would make lies about my family and he would contunie to talk to me and tell me, well statistics show that relationships dont work out and stuff and give me a whole line of crap. And im just telling him look im not a statistic, im not like other guys and your neice isnt a statistic either if you guys would just get to know me and actually spend some time with me before you judge me and lie about me and be totally hypocritical about everything then you would see that and see how much your neice and I love each other and that its not just a dating relationship that we both fully are aware that were going to marry InshAllah unless one of us dies god forbid. He would just continue to give me a line of crap and tell me his niece has health issues and stuff has asthma and none of that mattered to me.

then it came to the point where they were holding her hostage in her own home and calling reletives over to gang up on her and help brain wash her and every time this happened she would always put me down with the things they were saying to her as if the things were actually true and it really caused me a lot of pain every time it happens and it still happens but I forgive.

One day I was at the gym and get a call from her and I could tell somthing was wrong. She asked me to come get her now and she hung up. I knew it wasnt a joke anymore and I called the state police to help me remove her from the house and help get her things. Once I arrived at the house with the police, the family began to call over local relatives to help rush over and brainwash her into not going with me, the family even tried to lie to the cops and say oh she has mental issues and they tried to call up psycologists (whom are their friends) to try and tell the cops she isnt stable to leave..

Well she ended up coming with me and was really worried and scared and I just kept reassuring her now everything will be perfect and for a month I took care of her and we were great and the family always put up fronts and told her we will never speak to you if you go. And of course they did call her and it was all lies.  Until one day when relatives came in from out of town and called her and began to brainwash her again with material thing saying I will travel you around the world if you come back and leave him and they also tried to put guilt on her saying your parents and family are going to split up because of you and your mother is going to die because of you..

Now let me remind you that her father her uncle and her aunt are doctors.  So her uncle says I checked your mother out she is having heart issues now and its your fault ( but she had heart issues years and years ago).. so she ends up going back to the house for about a week and they are trying to force her to take bipolar meds and depression meds and im saying to her dont take them just pretend you are and throw them away and she says I feel bad my parents are paying for them.

I told her fine once we live together i'll send ur parents the money for those wasted meds. So they found out she was throwing them away but she didnt even need them to begin with, and she called me at night asking to get her once more and it will be the last time. So after work I go at around 1.30 am and she comes running out with bags and such and her sister calls her phone saying to come back and everything and we get all her belongings to my house once again but a few weeks later they call her brainwashing her again and guilting her to coming back and I wasnt about to cut her off from her family. I trusted that she would know better now.. so they get her back home and there are relatives waiting to gang up on her once again and they brainwash her in to going to the court and lying under oath into getting an order of protection against me and i just couldnt believe it.

So that night after she get the temporary order on me she emails me saying they manipulated her into doing it and i forgave her yet again and I risked myself for her and would continue to see her and do everything for her.  I kept telling her to drop the order and she was scared to death about what her family would do when they found out, so we go in the next day to drop it and the judge looks at her like why is he here dont you have an order on him didnt u say all this stuff about him yesterday and she says they made me do it etc.. and the judge says well im not dropping it this is going to a hearing because it just didnt make sense. And the judge asked me my side to the story and I started to tell her everything the family has done to me and to her and her entire family who lives local came to the court with her the day of getting the order just to make sure she did it. Kind of like in the godfather part 2 where they call in the guys brother from sicily just to make sure he doesnt rat. Well the judge told me oh i cant take ur words because ur very emotional and i said well if u have went through what i did i think u would be just as emotional if not more.

So in the end i end up consenting to the order just to save myself the 1,000+ dollars of getting a lawyer and save her and I the stress because we agreed with each other that she will come to see me now as i was the one to always come to her for 1.5 years. So then of course she goes to college locally and she decides to get mixed up in this Muslim student association and i had warned her about that before she started, because i knew the kids werent realy true Muslims and that they party and gossip and they are flirtatious and will just cause more problems for us. She didnt listen and they found out she was with me and I wasnt Desi and they began to gossip about her and she went home cried to her mom and I was just like see I told you, why are you getting mixed up with these people, you already have good Muslim friends and I warned u of them and she said ur right and then she still tried to argue with me to be a part of the MSA just because her sisters and mother were pushing saying u should be part of it and so on and so forth but they didnt know the kind of people that were in the MSA. They just assumed they were good true people.

Well they werent, so then her family would make her see more psycologists about her relationship with me and they did make a mistake and actually send her to a true person 1 out of 4 tries and that woman told her that her family is wrong and that she needs to get away. So of course the family stoped her from seeing that woman but every time they would send her to an american non-Muslim person who doesnt care about her or our relationship who does truely know what really is going on and know all the facts who doesnt know me at all and just assumes and jumps to conclusions and is just like everyone else these days.

So this woman tried to tell her im a controlling man because i dont want her to associate with the MSA at the college.. so she would use that against me and call me controlling just because i asked her not to associate with them and i even proved to her that they arent true muslims and they are just trouble. She told her family what the counselor told her and they just used that to their benefit and went along with it saying yes he is controlling. Because the family will use any weapon they can to get her to turn on me or hate me, they always will tell her that im not right for her and try to fill her head with a bunch of lies and garbage. When they have never even given me the time of day and actually try to get to know me or anything like that at all.. so im thinking they arent true muslim people.

Now let me also tell you that within this whole time period when her phone was taken away and computer i bought her a cell phone and paid for it.. they found it and took it, and i went and bought her another and yet again paying for it they found it again and took it.

another thing i forgot to add was every time they called and yelled at me and said horrible things to me i never once disrespected them i always was polite and everytime i triedd to say why do u do this to me or do that and i told our Imam they all just say.. well that isnt true those are false accusations. This morning they found out she is still with me and they blocked my phone number from her phone and i have yet to talk to her and if she does end up leaving me i intend on writing a book about what that whole family has done to me however i wont release any names or what part of the US this is but i just want it to be known what i have been going through.

Let me also add in that we have had sex first time was about a year and a half ago and we both agreed we will never leave one another and will be married so as far as i see it we are already married in the eyes of Allah because we not only swore to eachother but we swore to him that no matter what nothing would separate us other than if one of us were to pass away.

She accidently got pregnant recently and we both wanted to wait another 5 years or more to have a baby but Allah gave that to us now and abortion is out of the question. I told her I will do everything to make sure her and the baby are safe and healthy and everything goes right and that she will have to move in now and not tell her family until she has left other wise somthing will go wrong and sure enough they lied to her and said within 120 days its alright to have an abortion and she did it.

Nowhere does it say you can abort unless the mother will die having it, but I do know that a lot of Muslims have been mislead in to thinking the 120 day theory because that is when an angel is said to come down from Allah and blow a soul into the fetus.. so thats why many people are mislead into thinking it is Halal to abort within 120 days and it is most certainly not I did my fair share of research and i asked many quesions and i am not satisfied until I come to a conclusion.

I have been true to her and never backed out this has been going on for 2 years and 4 months as of july 16th and i really would appreciate some advice and feedback...  it would be more than greatly appreciated... thank you...

- Afnan112

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17 Responses »

  1. Asalamu Aliykum brother,

    May Allah help you and your 'wife'

    I know it is very difficult growing up in the west especially in America where you are prone to sex,alcohol and drugs. Abstaining from these awful sins is the best jihad you can do.

    Brother, I am sad to read about your situation and my heart goes out to you. MashAllah you have converted to Islam and it has been really difficult for you and your 'wife'. Ignorance of your 'wifes' family has made it very emotionally strained for you and led to the rebellious attitude of your 'wife' commiting zina with other men.InshAllah Allah will forgive her and yourself if you repent
    'Allah (SWT)'s order in the Quran to stay away from Zina.

    "And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful." (al-Furqaan #25, ayat #68-70)
    "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32

    May Allah help you and guide you in this world and afterlife.

    Waliykum salaam

    • Laylah, she is not his wife, in parentheses or otherwise.

      I agree with everything you said, but let's not feed people's delusions. Instead let's wake people up.

      Wael Editor

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    after readin i can understand how you must feel. i suggest you cut ties with her. there are plenty of other good muslim sister out there, so i say forget bout the drama and move on.

    shes old enough now, knows what is right yet she acts like she doesnt have a brain. cos what you have done for her i doubt she can ever re-pay your kindness.

    ma salama

    • I agree with Ahmed and Wael. You act like she is the only girl available to you, and that is not the case. I have been in relationships before and thought I were to marry my boyfriend, I mean who would wish ill on a relationship? As I am a single woman, I obviously did not marry the boyfriend.What's more important than knowing this will pass, as God never gives you more than you can bear, is that you learn from these relationships, and with this knowledge you understand more the type of spouse you desire . I believe you learn from chaperoned meetings as well, so when you go on those to find a wife don't think the first nice girl is the perfect one for you-see how she acts to the wali or in her public life, but don't give into gossip either. Also, you hurt your family by aborting their grandchild and committing zina (6th commandment for Catholics). You should work on healing with them by your side, this will increase your mental-emotional health as well as your دين.

  3. As-salamu alaykum Afnan112,

    Brother, get a GRIP! You have totally gone off the deep end with this girl and her crazy family that sounds like something from a soap opera. Frankly it sounds like the two of you have been terrible for each other, just descending further and further into sin, and constant drama.

    Okay, let me back up. . Thank for sharing with us your journey to Islam. I don't know if you realize it, but you are so fortunate. Allah has blessed you in two big ways: one, by giving you the precious gift of Islam. Two, by separating you (in spite of all your desperate clinging) from this leech of a girl who flirts with an ex-boyfriend (and maybe more), accepts endless gifts from you, and in return gives you a restraining order.

    What are you doing to yourself? Allah says, "And do not throw yourselves with your own hands into destruction", and that's exactly what you are doing.

    What have you gotten out of this relationship except hardship and sin? What has this girl ever done for you except bring you nasal drops one time? For that you fell in love with her?

    Brother, Allah gave you a huge gift in guiding you to Islam. Take that gift and live it. Be grateful for it. Live your life. Get away from this girl and her family and build a new life for yourself as a Muslim.

    You have not been good for this girl, and she has not been good for you. I'm not saying you have not been good to each other (though she certainly has used you and manipulated you), but you have been bad for each other's hearts and imaan.

    I posted a photo of a brick wall at the top because you have been banging your head into that wall for two years, thinking that you are somehow being noble, when in reality you are just hurting yourself.

    By the way, I deleted your excessive comments about the girl's uncle, her sister, her cousin in Pakistan... all of that is not relevant to the issue. You were criticizing their behavior, but what have you done? You have lived with this girl outside of marriage, committed zinaa with her, gotten her pregnant... everything that her family probably feared you would do, you did.

    I think in some twisted way you have defined yourself as a man in terms of this struggle against this family, and for this girl. It's said that at the heart of every great story is conflict, and you have created your own epic. And yes, I do think you are trying to control her, just as much as her family is. They are trying to pull her one way, and you are trying to pull her another way, and honestly I don't think she is worth fighting for, nor is she loyal to you, nor does she really even want you except as a "white knight" to rescue her on the days when she really needs to get out of the house. You are her pressure valve, nothing more.

    It's time to redefine yourself, to draw a new, better picture of yourself that does not include this girl or her family. It's time to live up to what Allah has given you. It's time to redefine yourself as a Muslim man, a person of faith, who obeys Allah, and is healthy and balanced in every way.

    Make tawbah for your acts with this girl, and move on. You have a lot to make up for, including the loss of a potential life (the baby that was aborted). You are as much responsible as they are. Make your tawbah, move on and try to be a better man in the future.

    You clearly have a lot of heart. You are a person of determination and will. But you have been bashing all against a brick wall, and unlike Berlin, this wall is not coming down.

    Take all that heart, that great love that you have, that willpower and determination, and apply it to something worthy. Build something pure and meaningful. Do good in the world. Give your love to a healthy woman who wants it and deserves it, and can return it fully, without reservations, as your wife.

    Wael Editor

    • I agree with everything Wael has said here.

      Remind yourself of your purpose on earth, you are meant to be a servant of Allah(swt), not a servant of to your emotions, or this girl and her family.

      Rid yourself of this daily sin and drama and use your good heart, passion and effort on something better and worthy. I am sure Allah would be much happier with you for it.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. Salam,

    I agree with Wael. U wanted to protect her, cos u love her , rescue her from her family. But u should have taken care of her by not touching her sexually and now she must feel bad and depressed with the abortion. even if she would keep the baby, you cant live together as a normal family. the baby would be there with her and her family.

    Her family didnt agree cos u not pakistani, but commiting zina with their daughter, they really must be veryyyyy upset ( i would feel so anger if it was my daughter). In Islam the girl should remain virgin. They must be so sad about this, despite it seems to be a hard family, still im sure they must feel devasted knowing she slept with a guy, got pregnant. It is not really what they wished for their beloved girl.
    As Wael said, u did what they fear to happen to her. So they must think you converted to Islam only for thei daughter. Specially the uncle who trusted by giving his agreement, he must think that you only wanted the girl.

    Everything is possible, just focus on sincere Tawbah and ask her to do same. Despite the bad atmosphere between u and her family. After this, maybe you can write a letter to her parents and ask their forgiveness for all what happened. cos anyway u can rescue her a much as u want, it is not allowed for a muslim girl to marry without her parents permission. So change your way and try to seduce them by showing that you regret what u did and recognize you didnt act correctly and sincerely realized this.

    Inshallah with Tawbah, prayers and duate. God will show you the right way. If she is meant for you, ask God to ease the way. If not, ask God make you forget her easily.

    Good luck.

  5. Salaams,

    I too agree with Wael's comments. Forget this girl altogether. You allowed her to use you and make a fool out of you. You have wasted so much time on a no good cause. Everything was handled in the wrong way from the start. Once you found out she was messing around with another guy, why still pursue her?

    She was not even your wife despite what you say. Marriage is not done as some secret promise to be together forever. It is a public ceremony infront of witnesses. At the end of the day, if the family did not wish for you both to be married, you should have respected that and gave up on the matter.

    You are creating alot of damage to yourself mentally so put a stop to it once and for all.

    All you can do is turn to Allah for forgiveness and as Sara said, pray to Allah that you forget her easily.



  6. I gotta give it to u Bro! Tat was a long story, imagine how long it was in real life. Let me ask u this. Do u like this drama?! I mean if u like chasing this grl, who flirts and does things with other guys.. Then keep chasing her. U r wasting ur time!! The more u chase a grl or a guy the more they thnk they are very high and mighty. I thnk u chased her morrrreeeee then enough. Just back off. Thnk tis of a bad nightmare. Stop seeing this grl, ignore her if u c her. Don't keep anything that might make u thnk of her. Bro she does not deserves u at all. Women first abortion is never good, for it complicates the future pregnancy. If her family didn't wed her off when she got knocked up, they have a lot of guts. What r they so proud off?! Bunch of losers. And if u don't stop chasing this grl then u will b a loser Bro. For God sakes, she had a restraining order against u!!!! Forced or not. U do not need this, she's not even worthy of u. Let her family do the chasing now. Just back off quietly. Inshallah u will fnd a better, practicing grl. Keep us up dated. Plz give us good new ¦:)

    • 'Brokenhearted', you said: 'If her family didn't wed her off when she got knocked up, they have a lot of guts. What r they so proud off?! Bunch of losers'.

      Thats quite rude language to use and a really immature comment to make. If her family did not just wed her off even when she became pregnant, maybe its because they had some genuine concerns about this boy. Things are not always as black and white as may appear on the surface. The fact that this sister waivered back and forth so much, maybe she had a serious but undiagnosed mental health condition.

      I am in contact a sister at the moment who has waivered back and forth so many times, but no-one completely understands her but her family and some good psychotherapists. All other people do is look on the surface of things, when infact internally she has some deep rooted issues that the man involved is taking advantage of. On the surface, he will appear to be a kind man, who showers her with gifts and would rather he spend money on her than the other way around. But upon speaking to the sister, one sees a completely different picture, which shows that she is petrified of this man. She suffers from low self esteem and is on medication for extreme anxiety. This man does not just give her gifts, he forces them upon her through playing on her fears. And he is verbally abusive, borderlining with physically abusive if she spends her own money while with him, because he claims that she is 'his' and so he should spend on her.

      When she tries in her weak way to leave this destructive relationship, he emotionally blackmails her. This man has forced this sister to have a nikah done, but due to the nature in which it was done, has later been declared null and void by a qualified imaam. He has in that time, forced her to consummate the forced the nikah. Her parents know all this, but have been good and supportive with her the whole time because they love their daughter and know that she is not in her right mind. They could have easily thrown her to one side, told her 'get lost' and married her to this man - that would have been done, hands washed of her. But no, despite knowing that there daughter is no longer a virgin and has been tossed about by this vile man, they have stuck by her and personally counselled day and night to get her to see sense. They have tried to get her to realise that she can do better than have to live her life with an abusive, bad charactered man. They are willing t go through whatever they have to to make sure their daughter marries a decent good Muslim man - and yes, they know everything about the physical and emotional relationship.

      That is what I call good parents; not the type who just throw their child to the dogs because they have lost their so called 'respect'.

      So please remember that every story has two sides.

      SisterZ Editor

  7. Salam

    "Trying to save a relationship" ?! I think what you should be doing instead is try and save yourself form this hell you've been living in for the last 2 years. No good can come out of this relationship. You need to leave this girl because even if you finally convince her to run away with you and you two (finally) get married and make your dream come true, chances are... she will regret it. Maybe not at firts but sooner or later she will miss her family and... you don't want to be the guy who breaks up a family, do you ?

    As Wael has already said, you two are no good for each other. You have committed very grave sins together. She even got pregnant, with YOUR illegitimate child. Believe me, brother, the best thing to do is to walk away. Tell her it's over and that you both should repent sincerely from your sins.

    Focus on your deen (religion), be a good muslim and keep learning about Islam. You're so young, and inshaAllah, you still have your whole life ahead of you. You had a very bad beginning as a muslim, but you can make it right by repenting to Allah the Most-Forgiving.

    May He guide us all. Ameen.


  8. life

  9. I'm of Egyptian heritage, raised here in NYC and my husband is of Irish/German who converted to Islam from Christianity. We know what you are going through since we are experiencing the same. We would love to help you and your lady. Please contact us at: and maybe we can be of help. Also, we can use friends since no Muslims understand our situation. Hope to hear from you!

    Johanna and Shane

    • Johanna, it's not a good idea to publish your email address in public. If you have advice for this questioner, why not publish it here? That way everyone can benefit.

      Wael Editor

  10. Hello,
    I read your long story. I can see that this has been a long roller coaster ride in your life. I could see both sides. You know it could be they are keeping her from you. I've heard about Pakistani overbearing mothers. Other replies hinted they thought you could be trying to control her. It doesn't really matter now. I'm going to tell you why. I am a woman and I can tell you this if I got pregnant by the man I love in sin or not I would NEVER abort it. No matter how much pressure I was under. So you think about that. It may hurt to hear this but seriously really think about it.

    They say if you love someone let them go. Let her go. If she does truly love you then she will find the strength to get away from an overbearing family and come to you permanently for complete truthful marriage and life with you of her own free will. Do NOT settle for less. If she doesn't love you truely, she will not come to you. You must cut off all ties and let her come to you.

  11. wow.. that's.. I just hope things work out for you :\

  12. "She accidently got pregnant recently and we both wanted to wait another 5 years or more to have a baby but Allah gave that to us now and abortion is out of the question. I told her I will do everything to make sure her and the baby are safe and healthy and everything goes right and that she will have to move in now and not tell her family until she has left other wise somthing will go wrong and sure enough they lied to her and said within 120 days its alright to have an abortion and she did it."
    You need to marry her. NOW. The point of marriage and nikah is a public announcement of your marriage.

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