Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t take twice the shame!



I desperately need advice. My marriage was arranged, but as soon as I fell pregnant my husband left because he didn't want the child for financial reasons. My family provided for me until my son was five, then I remarried. My husband finacially takes care of us, but doesn't like to live with us.

He travels a lot for work reasons and doesn't want to settle in one place. I still live with my family and he visits us. If I go to stay by him, he is cold and frustrated and unloving. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he says he will leave me.

I don't want to go back home divorced again. Whenever I want to be with him and spend time with him, he makes excuses. I wanted to kill myself, but it's haraam. I now want to leave my son with my family and go live on welfare somewere. Anyone know where I can go?


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11 Responses »

  1. What you mean by you remarried? Dot run away from your son don't punish him like this. Your son needs you more then anything els. Wherever you go take your son otherwise later you will regret.

  2. My dear sister;
    I can understand how you feel; but trust me no man is ever worth giving up your children for; he has been rejected by his father; his step dad how do you think he would cope if you leave him; he will feel totaly rejected; us women are made of stronger stuff; Allah made us strong; so we can carry on with anything even if it is with a heavey heart; i know you must feel like there is something wrong with you; but let me tell you there is not; some men are week; the problem is with them not you; have faith in Allah he knows whats best for us and always helps us; but never give up on your son! He needs you and you need him; you will regret it one day; please please think about what your saying and dont make any decisons when your feeling hurt and upset; please post back once you have taken some time and thought about everything.

  3. Sister,

    There is absolutely no shame on you for having to go back home to your parents. The shame lies with your husband. How does a husband choose not to live with his wife? Odd. He can't even talk to you without the threat of leaving you?! What is that?

    Sister, why on earth would you consider ending your life? This man isn't worth ending your life. No man is worth ending your life. You have a little boy and for are his world. If you must...go home and be the best mother you can be for you son. It isn't your parents job to raise your is your job. Rather than live on welfare, maybe you can seek a job. It's possible that your parents can help with your son while you work. No matter what you do, do not abandon your son.


    • NAJAH: The shame lies with your husband. How does a husband choose not to live with his wife? Odd. He can't even talk to you without the threat of leaving you?! What is that?

      Possibly her husband is involved in other relationships or wants to involve. Living alone gives him total freedom to do what ever he wants.

      I want to know if her husband told her she will be living with her parents and he will visit her for sex. In Arab countries there are temporary marriages like Misyar, weekend marriage etc. Some thing is fishy.

      • SVS,

        The state of the Muslim Ummah is truly disheartening. What this sister is experiencing is appalling and shameful on the part of her husband. It breaks my heart to see things of this nature happening to our Muslim sisters who through no fault of their own end up with losers such as this man. Marriage is not a matter of convenience and no brother or sister should be treated in such a callous and uncaring manner. Everyone wants to feel love and be loved. May Allah make the journey forward for this sister easy and bless her and her beautiful son.


  4. I agree with advises above

    Please do not leave your son he needs you.
    Do not even think about leaving him either that's your son its not his fault.
    Lastly have faith in Allah and may you have sabr inshAllah

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    No power is above Allah swt. Hold strong to His promises unto humankind and don't fall victim to the whispers of shaitaan. shaitaan is the one who tells you to give up and that you are powerless or worthless, but it is only a whisper. Ignore it.

    Be strong and pray Isthikhara. Allow yourself to exit out of the confusion and fog you may feel in your mind and take your time to make decisions. Take one day at a time. You deserve to be loved and cared for and certainly not ignored. Read the Quran and you will find answers that you are looking for. If you want, talk to a counsellor alone at first and then ask your husband to join you. As a woman, you need emotional support--May Allah help you in this trying time. Ameen.

    If your husband continues in this way, do not feel shame for his actions. He owns his own actions, so please don't do that for him. You do your part and never bring yourself down for the actions of others.

  6. Sistr
    Asalamu alaikum
    i can feel your pain dont leav your son he is god gift of your life do 5 times prayer do isthikara namaz allah will help you

  7. Salam,

    Be strong! If not for yourself for your son who is too little to understand and to be abandoned by his mum. Stop blaming yourself abd just accept that your so called husband is not up to the job. Its not a shame on you but on him!! foe being a lousy husband.
    My advise, try to find a happy moment that you are both having (if you are still having any) to bring the subject up, don't start with blaming him but rather start by "I feel.. ". Men don't like it when you start pointing the finger. Say things in a sweet manner to him such as "I am really happy that you are taking such good care of myself and my son...." lead with positive stuff. Then, when he has his guard down, start twlling him how you feel. You have right s as his wife and he has duties towards you.

    Good luck sister and be strong!! Allah will always through hurdles in our way but never to the point where we can't cope.
    Be grateful to have your parents around to help out. Go get yourself a job and be independent. If your husband doesn't change or if he leaves you then that will be his loss not yours.

    Next time, take your time in choosing a more suitable partner.

    I hope that helped you a little.

  8. Maybe the reasons he married you was to help you and your son in your difficult situation as you said he provides you financially but wasn't interested in you as a woman and that's why he is cold when you try to get close to him?

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