Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Two proposals from very different men… Which is right for me?

who do i choose

Salaam brothers and sisters

I am in a very confused state and feel really foolish for not being able to make choices and stand up to them.

I had a relationship with a muslim guy which broke off over issues of my past. I was a non muslim back then and I was very devastated by the break up. I felt betrayed and was on the verge of depression, but that was also the time I started learning more about Islam. Then a few months later I decided to take my shahada alhamdulilah. I began to practice without letting my family know. The time before and through my learning process, the anguish was always at the back of my mind but shukr to Allah I had received hidayah. I think this is what has kept me going and even helped me come out of my lowest point. Cannot say alhamdulilah enough.

Now the thing was I knew I had to move on and was grateful that Allah subhan wa ta'ala had saved me from the sin of a haram relationship, though the love I had for him was always there and causing me to rethink if I could ever move on in life. I used to pray to give this guy hidayah and lead him back to me (the latter I thought was impossible and even hated myself for wanting it) but nonetheless I never  truly moved on.

With the grace of Allah subhan a ta'ala I got a proposal for marriage (which was the largest of my worries) from another revert. More like stumbled on the proposal.

On this front everything seems perfect mashaAllah. He is a good guy and from an understanding family who accepts his choice.  I was and am very thankful to Allah subhan wa ta'ala for this proposal but as time went and I spoke to the guy I couldn't gel with him.

I have tried for a few months now and every time it has kept increasing my resent towards this person.  At first I thought it was due to me not moving on from the past but I have come to realize it is not so and that it is because we are very different people and the fact that within just 2 months of getting to know each other he has confessed and even expressed (to my utter discomfort) his love for me. This has led me to dislike him even more making him seem needy and desperate.I fear it would be a loveless marriage with no compatibility.  I have not been able to connect at all. On the contrary I feel trapped, pressured and burdened by his show of emotions and lack of understanding. I have tried many a times to make him understand and even stopped communicating with him only to be called emotionally empty and selfish. And believe me I really wished it to work, there was no reason not to want it. I have been doing istekhara too but things are not getting any better with him. Is this like a sign?

I feel incompatible with him, but due to the fact that he is perfect on paper I am still trying to make it work. I also feel pressured because of the fact that if I refuse him I won't find any other good proposal (even feel guilty in not trusting Allah over this)

Sometimes I feel like I am denying Allah's favors (Astaghfirullah!) But we still progressed speaking

Another trouble started when the first guy came back into my life. The first part of my dua was answered. He came back asking me for forgiveness and with the intention of marrying me. We spoke for a few days which were some of the happiest since I felt I was finally getting closure. But I feel really guilty that I am emotionally close to a person who is not religious but cut off from someone who is. (apart from the guilt of speaking to him)

There are a lot of problems with the first guy in terms of his family who will possibly not accept us. While with the second guy I do not foresee any problems even from my family if I am to marry him (except that I may resent him)

The first is kind, supportive, loving, we understand each other very deeply and he is very sorry for leaving me and I forgive him. (I know he is seriously sorry because it was beyond his ego to return to me yet he did and is ready to face his family's ire for me) He is someone who used to be religious but lost his way. He is ready to wait and stop communicating till time comes. Do you think we can make it work if one spouse is less religious?

But I also want my husband to be Islamic and my family to be at peace psychologically and socially alongside no strained in laws relationships, which only the second guy can provide. I feel like I am betraying Allah subhan wa ta'ala over so many things and then again reading how people get married and live in loveless marriages only to regret it I fear I would be unjust to both me and the second guy.  Should I tell him I am looking at another proposal too? How important is compatibility, likability and acceptance before marriage?

What should I do?

JazakAllahu Khairan for taking your time to read and all advices are appreciated


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    I suggest that you first cut communication with both and tell them that you need time to think and consider marriage through Isthikhara and consulting your wali. Also, you should mention that too much communication before marriage is not the best. Whatever communication should happen for marriage is probably enough at this point.

    Then, you should exactly that--involve a wali and pray Isthikhara.

    On another note, the man who has told you that you are emotionally selfish and empty would probably also tell you negative things if you were emotionally available. The very thing he doesn't like about you now, would probably be the thing he would be searching for. What I mean is, this person seems to chase the thing he can't have, rather than be grateful and value what he has. There are some major red flags to this man.

    As for the first man who has returned, absolutely do not carry on talking to him and only marry him if he openly accepts you publicly, otherwise, avoid at all costs any secrecy to your relationship.

    Also, your relationship with your husband is more important than your relationship with his family. It is easier to overcome problems with a unaccepting family with a supportive husband, as opposed to an accepting family with an incompatible/needy husband.

    Finally, it could be that neither one of these men is right for you--so please rely on proper Islamic etiquette in pursuring a marriage. May Allah help you in finding the right spouse for you, Ameen.

  2. Salaam sister, welcome to islam 🙂

    With regards to marriage compatibility is extremely important. Your going to be spending an entire lifetime with the same person, if your already half hearted and resenting the individual then how are you going to sustain your marriage with him. Yes, he might tick all the right boxes on paper but that doesn't necessarily mean he's compatible for you. If your already half heartedly getting to know him and resent him then why do you want to force yourself to marry him. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you either, and it probably won't last. It's a no brainer, if you don't want to marry someone then don't, let him go respectfully - he's already claiming to love you, the longer you communicate with him the more it will hurt him.

    With regards to your ex, well it's good that he feels remorse and has apologised for his behaviour. Pls don't have a relationship with him and fall into sin. If this is the guy who makes you happy and you believe he is a decent guy and has the qualities of a good husband then talk to him about what you want. If one of your requirements is someone who is focussed on their faith and is a good Muslim then tell him this. Ask him to learn more about islam and he needs to be sincere about this. Also get your parents involved sooner rather than later, this will help to prevent you from falling into sin but will also help you to see how serious he is about you. You don't want to waste your time only for him to end things again because his family won't accept you.

    Also pray istikhara, and keep doing dua to Allah swt. Pls also keep me in your Duas. 🙂

  3. I am so glad you wrote this question. I am going through a similar situation though there is no one from my past whose returned. I believe compatibility is key to a good relationship and on this one count, I have rejected two religious men. I constantly wonder whether declining them will bring me bad later on. I have been labeled as having no emotions as well. But I cant say yes to someone with whom my mind and heart just does not agree. Now the guy I do feel compatible with is not so religious. I dont knw if things will move fwd with him but I have a constant fear of whether Allah is angry at me for declining religious men for someone whose not. But on the other hand, without compatibility, I believe therez no point moving fwd. I hope and pray whatever happens happens for my good and yours too. InshAllah.

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