Parents have never been good to us;I feel suffocated and stessed at home
Assalam-o-Alaikum Brothers & Sisters,
I don't know how exactly should I write my problem down in words, though I'll try my level best to make it precise and understandable for the reader. Basically we've never been happy at home. 365 days a year, there are issues going on in our home which make us feel suffocated, disturbed and stressed. Throughout our entire lives each of us amongst siblings, have suffered on his/her own part behind our parents' behavior and wrong decisions+rigid attitude towards us. This has been happening with us since childhood and now that we're all mature, things have gotten even worse.
We are in total, 6 siblings: 2 brothers and 4 sisters. Our parents are very strict and rigid and have never appreciated any good thing that we did but instead, say that we are the worst children any parents could have. They often say they are the unluckiest parents to have US as their children which hurts us a lot. We have been hearing such things since we were kids when we had no knowledge of right and wrong. Our mother used to beat us brutally while our dad just stood-by and watched, and we ended up in wounds every time. We being kids used to hide all the bats and sticks that our mom could possibly use while beating us. When we it complained to our father, he took it easy every time, and said:"She's your mom. Every mom beats her children so it's no big deal.."
I had my knuckles beaten up in wounds when I was 6 yrs old, just because I didn't know the answer to an early maths question "3-2.5=?". After my younger brother was born (when I was 7 yrs old), my mom used to ignore me every time and beat me in front of him. She even used to hide at places and observe my behavior towards my brother while we played together and would come out and beat me up whenever I had my brother cry. I once got a remote-controlled car as a birthday gift from one of my friends. When my mom saw, she snatched it from me and gave it to my brother, warning me not to touch it again, leaving me threatened and in tears. Such things have dominated in my personality to such an extent that I now hate my brother more than anything. My sisters too, have gone through somewhat similar situations.
Each of us, Alhamdulillah, has been a position holder at schools/colleges and a distinction holder in universities. Teachers used to praise us in every parent's-teacher meeting and our parents used to be proud at that moment. But never did we see any day when our parents ACTUALLY acknowledged it in front of us. According to them, praising or appreciating children on their faces spoils them. Our parents have never given us space to discuss our personal things/feelings with them, NEVER. All our life, we have been keeping things in our hearts and if any of us accidentally shared his/her feelings or personal thoughts with them, he/she was laughed on and made fun of by our parents. They never took us seriously whenever we wanted to discuss any personal matter with them. Very rarely have they been polite towards us.
They have always made fun of us as a result of which we now have lost confidence in our personalities. They don't even consult us in any matter and never bothered to take our opinion in homely affairs and just did whatever THEY thought was right and majority of the times had to suffer behind their wrong decisions, blaming fate in the end. As we grew up, we became more and more aggressive and began to feel frustrated with their behavior towards us. As a result, my eldest sister, a doctor, took separate room for herself in doctor's accommodation away from home and in the same city, saying she feels suffocated at home and gets depressed and don't wants to live in it anymore. My second sister said the same thing, and parents banned her from going to job, locking her up inside the home and tried to get her forcibly married to someone else after she expressed to them about her likeness with one of her colleagues. As a result, she did a court marriage.
My third sister, doctor again, became a victim of sense of deprivation, eventually lost her mind and ended up being admitted to a fountain house for 3 months. My last sister, unfortunately got married in a fraudulent family and is now extremely depressed with her married life. At the time of her marriage, I personally asked my parents to do istikhara before proceeding but they said: "He's an engineer, what else do we need.." and went on. My younger brother, for whom our mom claimed to be "THE BEST AMONGST US" got engaged in a bad company and started smoking heavily while only 16. When mom came to know, she asked him after which he said: "I have my own life, my own friends. Why would you ever interfere??". At this, mom became so depressed that she attempted suicide but to the grace of Allah Taalah, got saved.
As for me, my mom has never been good to me. Now that I have grown up, she taunts me in every single thing that I do or ask her about. It may sound childish of me but I still feel jealous of my friends when their moms talk politely with them. But my mom always thinks negative and ends up blaming me in every matter for something that I didn't even think of doing. My dad, a retired chief engr, always speaks ill and harsh with me. He often abuses me after which I lose temper and shout back at him, later-on repenting on myself. I got my first scholarship in 4th semester of bachelors and spent all of it on my family, keeping in mind that Allah would give me even more. Next semester, I got 2nd scholarship which I invested on getting a cellphone of my choice, something that my dad condemned, became angry and said that I'm wasting my scholarship.
After I got my 3rd consecutive scholarship in a row, my dad created a big issue in front of everyone and told me that he won't pay the tuition fee for my remaining 2 semesters if I don't hand over my scholarship amount to him. Such a harsh and forceful behavior from his side got me extremely tensed since everyone knew I was a hard-working student and would never compromise behind anything that comes across my studies. So I had to do what was asked for and this thing affected me so deeply that I completely lost my interest in studies and got ridiculously low GPAs in last 2 semesters. Till my graduation, I never got any scholarship again.
I had been in a relationship for the last 3 and half years. My parents knew it from the very first day and even told me that they absolutely had no problem with whomever I commit, after which I was satisfied from the fact that at least "my side" is secure. Parents told me they'd get me engaged during final year of my bachelors and when the time came they said: "First get a good job and then we'll THINK." I became worried about their suddenly changed decision but then convinced myself to wait till graduation and getting a good job. Soon after my graduation with the blessings of Allah Taalah I got employed as an Automation Engineer in a multinational company. Then, when I approached my parents for the second time, they rejected straightaway on my face and told me all of a sudden that they are never going to the girl's parents to ask for proposal, which left me seriously shocked.
I had absolutely no idea why they said that. I cried, pleaded and asked them for any valid reason behind it which they didn't give me till the very end and just kept saying: "We don't have a problem with the proposal but we are never going to visit the girl's parents first. If they're willing to give you their daughter, just ask them to come and see us first..That's it!". I told them that it's the groom's family who visits the bride's family first and asks for proposal. When I expressed my parents' wish to my ex, she conveyed it to her parents who didn't agree to it and declined straightway. Consequently, we both had to face a painful break-up after being in a sincere and healthy relationship for 3 and a half years.
It's been seven months since we broke-up and Alhamdulillah I have gotten over it now but don't know why, feel alone and suffocated at home. Few months back I went to my parents and requested them very politely that due to the trauma, depression and tough time I faced as a result of my break-up, they should now have me engaged to atleast someone of their choice since I'm 23 now and it's very hard for me to be alone at home. After hearing all what I was saying, they said: "One of your sisters is still unmarried. Just wait for her to get married first and then we will think of you". Some days later, they told me that they don't have expenses for my wedding and that I'd have to manage everything by myself. With that in mind, I have started saving my salary (which is already not sufficient for an individual since I'm a fresher). But in that case also, my parents ask me to give them my monthly salary and when I tell them that I'm saving it for my wedding they end up taunting me and saying that I'm greedy and all I care about is money. Now where am I supposed to go????:'(((
I have seriously lost hope in everything now. Since childhood till maturity I have been suffering behind my parents in almost every phase of life. I swear it's very hard for me to spend my life now. I even don't think I would ever get married, just because of my parents' ever-changing decisions. I dont even have anyone to share my thoughts with. My memory has started deteriorating. I am becoming weaker and weaker after every passing day resulting in a serious weight-loss. I have lost focus on my job and can't concentrate on my work anymore. During my university days, I used to be a bright student, scored distinctions, graduated with an outstanding CGPA and possessed a hell of confidence. But that was, as I guess just mainly due to myself living in another city away from home.
As I returned home after graduating things started going worse with me. My confidence is fading away, something which even my colleagues and seniors at my office pointed out. I fear the time when I would be kicked out of my job for poor performance. I used to pray not five, but four times a day regularly. Even now I try to, but lose my focus while praying. Even with all the hardships faced since childhood till now, I try to stay strong and keep going. But my mind has become so much weak that I fear something bad may happen with me in future.
To all my brothers and sisters reading my post, I would just ask one question: "WILL OUR PARENTS NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE TO ALLAH FOR THEIR DEEDS ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT?" I seriously need to know what are the limitations for parents with regards to their treatment towards their children. I'm extremely stressed. Please advice me what to do.
Engr_Adnan
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Assalam alaikum brother Adnan,
I am very sorry to hear about your childhood. I understand where you are coming from--here is some advice (know that this advice is coming from experience that I wish I didn't have and not from someone who isn't acquainted with your situation):
First learn to love Allah and love all that he has given to you. Fall in love with the health you have, the brain you have been gifted with and know that none of it is a coincidence but all part of Allah's plan for you.
If you truly love Allah, you will love yourself too. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Pray and ask Allah all the time for peace and guidance. Sometimes this is hard to do because even though Allah exists, we seem to seek peace outside in worldly things when in fact it is inside of us.
The approval you seek from your parents can never be found in anyone else or anything else. You might feel incomplete and full of anxiety from this, but I can assure you that remembrance of Allah is the cure for this. You don't have to go buy this, find it somewhere or travel for it or anything. Allah has truly gifted us, beyond our understanding, with a brain that we can seek refuge in IF we know how to use it properly. Just imagine that even through all the pain life brings to us, we can always have our private personal thoughts. How we use those thoughts is our decision--no one else's. Use your brain to seek refuge in being thankful to Allah for what you have and find patience in yourself to deal with the disturbances in your life, inshaAllah.
I know it is next to impossible to ignore the hurtful words of a parent, but you have to repel those words as the feathers of a duck repel water--the water just falls and slides off the feathers. You can't reply with hurtful words, you can't raise your voice, but you have to still listen to your parents. Imagine, Hazrat Ibrahim's father: [His father] said, "Have you no desire for my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, so avoid me a prolonged time. [Abraham] said, "Peace will be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you of my Lord. Indeed, He is ever gracious to me. Quran Chapter 19: Verses 46 to 47. Even though Hazrath Ibrahim's AS father wanted to hurt his son, Hazrat Ibrahim AS still replied to his father by saying "Peace will be upon you," and he continued on the straight path--SubhanAllah, how he balanced respecting his father yet didn't deviate from his rights or beliefs!
I would urge you to start making a positive life plan by increasing your knowledge of Islam. Start practicing what you can and do not worry about making others practice around you but rather your example will be the best voice. Stick to your plan as long as you are in the boundaries of Islam. Save money and pray to Allah to help find a suitable partner for you--believe in your heart that Allah will surely open this path to you. Do not let anyone discourage you because whatever you are doing, if it is correct Islamically, will begin to open more doors for you.
I can tell from your last paragraph how disturbed you are from how you want to know how Allah will deal with your parents. Brother, you will never have peace knowing that your parents would be punished (and this is no naive statement)--please look into yourself and find peace inside yourself--leave such matters to Allah. In the Quran 66:6 "O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded." Maybe Allah gave you these parents not for your sake, but maybe to help your parents to become better people. It isn't easy for them to see otherwise, so you will have to be subtle yet deliberate in how you deal with them. Be steadfast and practice Islam by upholding your beliefs and practicing your rights but not shying away from your responsibilities. Brother, you may just help your parents by protecting them in the future and "tell" them what life is supposed to be like, by showing them what you can do.
You can't change who they are, but you have the ability to be whoever you want to be. I truly believe that such a test is given to us to realize that our dependency is solely on Allah swt and that at the end of the day, when all is finished, we will see it is Him and Him alone that is our source of Love, Peace, and Happiness because all other things either end or fade away. We have to find the good and happiness in what we have even in the face of our own parents rejecting or hurting us. The more you continue to search for what doesn't exist, the more it will hurt--but Allah's love is eternal and Allah's promises are never false and dependency on Allah is ultimately what we have to do to be successful.
I hope that some of my words give you peace--inshaAllah. Seek knowledge, pray to Allah, make a plan for your life and follow through with it--you know in your heart you are successful, now act on it, you are completely capable. May Allah bless you with a pious and beautiful wife and make you successful in this world and the next, Ameen.
Thank You for your kind words, dear Sister.
The thing that hurts me the most is that even after doing injustice and wrong, they never admit it and just keep saying "We're the parents, We're the parents, We're the parents!". This thing has dominated so much on them that even if some decision seems to be vague or senseless to others but correct to them, they just take that decision and then suffer afterwards, saying "This was not in our fate" and "Fate has betrayed us" etc.
awwh adnan I really feel for you as im going through similar situation I haven't aid full story about mine but what you say that were the parents and stuff mine do the same I know how it feels, lyk ok your the parents and stuff you do have rights to rule us but mostly when where at the wrong they should correct us , I realised situations happen mostly like this to the children that show more respect for parents and they get take advantage of in end.
but only allah swt knows that we tried hard to stay positive and we been through a lot we did our sabaar(patience). One day when wel become parents of our own children wel realise how to not treat them from previous experiences and stuff lets just pray that one day parents like this across the world realise what a blessing we was to them and they cherish it at one time and feel guilty in a good way not making them look bad or anything but as much as parents have rights as a child we have rights to.
from now on brother people like us can only wait till allah swt guides us through a loving path and open our parents eyes up in shaa allah ameen just pray for them that they will change very soon.
with great patience come great rewards and if you find patience hard always remember that prayers can increase our power to stay stronger in this as it helped a lot for me mashallah.
now adays the way I get treated at home I realised due to my constant praying it has helped me a lot I go blind through the negativity they share with me it affects me for only few seconds but then Im able to lift up myself again.
in shaa allah brother I wish you a more peaceful life with your parents no matter how parents are like just be glad we have them because theres many orphans out there and no matter how we get treated they still provide us daily care we need which is all part of the love they may not show it in other ways we need like praising and stuff but deep down no matter how they are they all are proud to say that's my child because if they wasn't you would probably be kicked out by now , if they had to much of us why are there sticking to us all this time if they didn't really love us or cared for us because they really do.
anyways keep strong il remember you in my prayers forget the past and pray that the future and present with your parents will become more brighter in shaa allah ameen.
Br. Adnan,
The bottom line of my message is that you can't be afraid anymore. You have the right to be happy, feel fulfilled, and find success, within the boundaries of Islam.
As long as what you are doing is correct (that is why I say study Islam), just go and do it. You will be an example to your siblings and maybe even deep down inside to your parents who may never show it.
I know exactly how you feel and have been through worse. Be glad to have this website which has people telling you this, because for a good portion of my life, I didn't even feel that I had a right to an ounce of happiness due to this mentality and upbringing and despite following the rules at home and achieving good grades, nothing was ever even close to being good enough.
You can't change your parents, so do not try.
Focus on WHAT you can do and then DO it.
Always respect your parents, but do not sacrifice your Islamic rights or beliefs.
Even if you do not have a lot of money, go and try to start a life for yourself. There was a time when I had no one (my father had no sense of any kind of financial responsibility) and truly Allah swt gave me respect and rizq from places I was unaware of and I didn't even know how it happened. So beg Allah for everything that you need, feel worthy of love for yourself and know that Allah loves you. Stop depending on your parents, depend on Allah.
May Allah give you Halal rizq and guide you to success in this world and the next, Ameen.
Salam Dear Sis,
I totally agree with you. Im Adnan's sister actually and I feel from his words that he really did not put it all in words. The life for us had been even worse and that goes on still...
youre very right when you say, "do not try to change your parents". what we can do right now is just spare some room for our own lives. my married life is hell just because is wanted to make my parents happy by letting them take the decision for me!! But where i have found refuge is in faith and belief. I want my brother to be happy and contended because whatsoever, we sisters atleast do not live in that cursed haunted house anymore. For you, you have to be strong enough to be happy. Believe in it, if Allah has given me this life, no matter how it came, HE who loves me 70 times more than a mother, would be having something very good in store. The only thing is to be persistant and confident that you will be rewarded of all that you deserve one day....
Dear Brother,
I have almost the same family and same issues have been going on 24x7. With my parents wrong and unfair decisions and dealings, we all have been affected badly in our lives in one way or other. so i can understand your problems with your parents. Parents are human being after all, they too have flaws and faults. my parents never admit that they could ever do anything wrong. they always find faults with their kids. if you try to discuss or say show them the reality, in turn, they would pose themselves to be victims of their kids. they wish to make us feel guilty. i dont know about my siblings but somehow feel guilty for no valid reasons as such.
my parents had a lot a expectations from their first child ie. my eldest brother but he turned up to be a selfish man and left my parents. but my parents have turned cold towards all of their rest kids. its like as if we are responsible for what that happened. whatever we do, they find us faulty. I did (Still trying to be) my best to serve my parents but it hurts so much to hear from them that all their kids are same, no one cares for them, on one needs them.
its like if they had wanted me/expected from me 10 things and i could do /ful fill only 6 out of 10 then they would see only those undone/failures 4 things.
sometimes, even i got to hear that i am a girl and i cannot be what their son could have. but on other hand, they claim that they dont difference between sons and daughters.
so dear brother, you are not alone in this hardship, there are many more like you and me in this world but what i would say that do your best to your parents & dont expect anything from them, think of Allah(swt) he is watching everything, he will reward you and he will take care of you.
i hope that you have already taken yourself out from being in state of dejection and must be doing better now. Dont lose hopes ever.
Thank You for your words, dear Sister.
It has been about four months since this post of mine has published. Whenever I feel stressed or lonely, I always open this forum and just go-through the replies on my post. It relieves me and makes me feel comfortable. May Allah bless all the people on this forum.
I am continuously trying to take myself out of this situation. But I don't know why my parents are so virtually blind-folded and are unable to see what they are doing. My issues with parents have increased greatly in the past month. I have turned 24 now and still my mom threatens to beat me up physically whenever I argue with her on something on which she is wrong. She abuses me with disgusting names of haram animals (Astaghfirullah). It is due to these reasons that I have distanced myself from my mom. I prefer not to talk to her because everytime I do so, the situation gets shaped into something that I never imagine with me ending up in stress and headache everytime. My dad on the otherside, appreciates my mom on whatever she does or says. He never tells us that she's wrong due to which, he too has lost the love we had for him in our hearts now.
A huge gap has been created between us (siblings) and our parents. When any of my married sisters come home to meet our parents, my mom always ends up taunting her and my brother-in-law for no reason. If feels really awkward. It seems as if it's in her nature to insult everyone as a result of which she doesn't even have any friends.
As for me, I am literally cornered in my home. Noone talks to me, noone bothers making breakfast for me and noone bothers to involve me in family discussions. I feel extremely lonely now. My parents are not even getting me married. On the otherside, I am not even self-sufficient that I make my separate setup. I have now finally made-up my mind to start an evening job as well so as to stay out of my home as much as possible.
May Allah have mercy on me and my situation.
Wa Alaikum as Salam brother,
I understand exactly what you feel, because I have a friend who is in a situation actually worse than yours. He was asked to leave the home (and has no job). When he denied, his father called the cops on him who forced him away. His siblings also ignored him and he told me that he last spoke to his younger brothers a few years ago (even while they lived together).
Your parents "are parents" as they claim, but they are not doing what good parents do. You said: " According to them, praising or appreciating children on their faces spoils them." This is true only when there is fear that it will make them over-confident, not when the contrary will shatter their confidence and discourage them from further achievements. We humans work for reward. If we know we will not be rewarded, we either lose interest in the work or we stop working. This is the exact problem with you, brother. You saw that your achievements brought no rewards from your parents (their encouragement and appreciation).
Your parents have set a very bad example, brother. Do not hate them for it, but ask Allah to Guide them and give them patience. Most people get angry and do what they would not if they were not angry. They sometimes regret later but sometimes fail to do so due to their egoistic nature.
But brother, do not look at all of these and hold them against your parents. They ARE accountable for their deeds, but we must be dutiful to them to the extent possible and do our job, because even we are accountable for our deeds. Do not (never) pray against them, but pray for them.
Your mother has a very weak heart and she expects a lot from her younger son which is evident from her action on his words of disrespect. Brother, I maybe wrong in what I am going to suggest, but this is perhaps what I would have wished to do if I was in your situation.
I think you should look for a good job in another city with Allah's Name and with trust in Him, and move away from home for some years.
In situations like yours, men usually tend to look for support. You need a companion, you need a partner to share your problems with, who would comfort you and would shield you against the effects of stress and depression - you need a patient and righteous wife.
But brother, if you plan to bring your wife to your parents' home, she must have a mountain strong patience, alternatively, you must arrange for a separate home for yourself.
What a co-incidence!!! I just received this hadith from a friend on Whatsapp:
The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
Verily, a man will have a level with Allah - he doesn't reach it with an action - so Allah does not cease to afflict him with what he hates, until he makes him reach (that level). [Reported by Abu Ya'la and Ibn Hibban through Abu Hurayrah Radiyallahu Anhu; Silsilatul Ahaadeeth as Saheehah (6/100)(2599)]
We must ask Allah for strength and patience to face the afflictions and come out successfully from the tests and trials from Allah.
Make sure you do all your 5 prayers and do all the obligatory duties so that your carelessness is not a witness against you on Yawm al Qiyaamah. Please refer to articles on abdurrahman.org for updating your knowledge and learning the deen better. Pray to Allah and trust in Him, He Loves His servants and Has Prepared for them a Great Reward. Just do your duty towards your parents and leave the rest to Allah.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Brother Abu Abdul Bari,
I feel really bad for your friend. I must tell you that even my parents have said it to me several times to "Leave our home" in their anger on which I replied them every time that "Its my home and I have every right to live in it and not leave it..". Its very painful when your own parents reach that level of harshness and barbarism against you and just forget you as their kid. But as you said, no one should be sinning by praying AGAINST his/her own parents. May ALLAH S.W.T guide each and every one of us along with our parents.
Brother, sometimes I myself have thought about taking a separate home for myself in another city too. But I am in no way, that capable (financially) since I am just a fresher. I sincerely pray to my Allah the almighty, that he provides me a way to make it possible for me. This way I would atleast have some peace of mind as I had while I was doing my bachelors and being a hostellite in another city.
Dear Brother Adnan,
asalamalaikum,
i am 37 yr old and my family and situation was just like yours till I was 28yrs and Alhamdulillah it changed afterwards. so take this advise coming from a big sister who has seen and lived through what you have described.i will keep in very objective as i honestly dont want to live through the emotions again.
1. first of all you must realise that your survival depends a lot on being strong, focused and beleiving in yourself. its hard to attain this with no support from anywhere . but remember there is no friend but Allah and thier is no help other than the help of Allah. so rely on the one who is reliable.so talk to HIm in prayers, in tahajjud. you want to speak to God , offer salat. you want God to speak to you , read Quran. Wallahi, you will find peace.
2. your career plays a vital role in you coming out of your situation. you need to be financially sound. so dont loose focus. be yourself. the confident yourself! OK . You know what you are made of .dont loose it now when you are so close. so head up, and be proud of where you have reached and dont let go of it.
3. start acting like an adult. you are not a baby anymore. you are mashallah a grown up man .an individual capable of making his own decisions and taking resposibility for it. so do what you think is best for YOURSELF. if you think you want to get married then look for a girl for yourself yourself as per islamic laws. there is nothing wrong in it. if you think you want to get married to the girl you knew before , if she and her parents are ready to acccept you without your parents yes, then go ahead get married. otherwise find another girl yourself. remember a spouse indeed is an emotional support but dont get married to shift your emotional burden on someone else. marriages dont work out well this way. dont be needy in a relationship. be needy in front of Allah only.
4. take a place to live on your own. you dont need to live in your parents house. ofcourse maintain ties with them. visit them regularly,if they are sick lookafter them. be polite and kind to them. its their right and we have to give that to them .even if they have wronged us. otherwise we are no different to them .
5. ofcourse it hurts a lot how they have treated us but we cant change it. we wish we could but we cant. even though this was not the best of environment to be brought up in , still mashallah the values,the imaan, the personality, the education you carry is remarkable and some credit does go to our parents.i always say this to myself when I feel really hurtful and it gives me comfort that 'our parents meant well for us but just didnt execute it well'.
6. maintain ties with your siblings. they are as hurt as you are and somehow we go in that non-communicating ,silent mode, that nobody talks to anybody . you dont have to go and tell them what you have written to us but instead you can buy something for your sister and that will bring happiness on her face - not because she wanted a present but because you cared for her. take your brother for dinner or film or any boy activity like cricket match etc. may be get him a new mobile or perfume. you can do the same for your parents.all of this will help you heal. trust me. just take my word for it.
7. ofcourse .parents are accountable for what they have done to us but let Allah be the judge of it not us.may Allah forgive them and us.
my love and duas for you my brave young brother. you have done very well so far, give yourself respect and credit for it .say Alhamdulillah and detangle yourself from this hurt you are going through.
This is really good advice, mashallah :).
thank you. All praise be to Allah.
Dear Sister friend,
Each and every word that you said gave me a sense of relief, I swear. May Allah S.W.T the Al-mightly be pleased with you and keep you under the shadows of his rehmat and bless you with high ranks in this life and the life hereafter, Ameen.
Indeed, sister, her parents' disapproval came the very time she expressed my parents' blunt and senseless wish to hers. I even asked her if her parents were comfortable with my sisters+sisters' friends visiting her home and asking them for her proposal. But she declined and said that her parents won't agree to it at all and that they want ONLY my parents to visit them and ask her hand, without any third person in between.
Secondly, dear big sister, unfortunately I belong to a stereotypical asian (to be specific, Pakistani) culture where the only thing families care about is their value and respect in society. This is another reason why many asian brothers and sisters have to suffer on their part when it comes to marriage. But I pray day and night to my Allah S.W.T the Greatest, the Musabbibal-Asbaab, to provide me a peaceful way out of my condition. He has never led me down, he never will, Inshallah.
Thank you dear sister for giving me such a sincere advice. I now feel so lifted up. I thank Allah S.W.T for giving me such sincere and caring brothers and sisters. May Allah be pleased with you all. Ameen !
Dear Adnan,
salam,
I knew from your post , your background .iam from the same. so it was very easy to be in your shoes. unfortunately our parents generation is all stuck up . they never followed the religion properly nor did they moved on with changing times. but its up to us to make use of our lives to its full potential as per Allah's commands.
I live in west now. it was sad to see that many pakistani families even in the west were still stuck up in this rotten mentality which has no place in Islam or culture. i really dont know where they get it from. my grand parents where actually more liberal and decent human beings than my parents, you may agree with it.
but good thing is that the generation after them ( us) alhamdulillah are not like that but ofcourse we are carrying this emotional burden from them. its upto us now whether we want to get compressed by this burden or throw it off us.
dear brother DONT let is drown you. you may find that at times you will need to make the right choice which is emotionally difficult and may mean going against your parents but than you have to ask yourself what is the best thing to do ..... go against your parents or go against Allah. please only the one that needs to be pleased.
thank you for your kind words. All praise be to Allah and thanks to the brother wael and his team , who has given this platform to many brothers and sisters to help each other. i ofen visit this site (almost daily) so feel free to ask anything else. but you are a smart young boy who knows what is the right thing to do. I was very impressed by the way you approached your relationship and didnot just fooled around with a girl and managed to move on as well when it was all so easy to be like the majority of fools. men who are 10 or 20 years older than you still dont have that maturity. if you are reading this.... learn from this young man!
take care my brother . remember Allah is with you ..... always.
jazakallah khair.
Walaikum Assalam Dear Sister
Big sister, I totally agree with you on this:
This is something that even us siblings used to discuss when we were together (that is, when my sisters were not married).
Whenever we say things to our parents such as "You must change with time since we're living in a very advanced world", they get irritated and start taunting us in irritable ways, often saying: "We're your parents. You've not seen what we have. You're yesterday's kids and no matter how much you grow old, you'll always be our kids..".
The thing that I have personally experienced to a great extent in my parents is, Allah S.W.T forgive me, that of their egoistic nature. Whenever we give them any right opinion, they just throw it away, saying what THEY think is better than anything else. And everytime they do that, they suffer.
Alhamdilillah, Allah Taalah has blessed us in a way we couldn't even think of. At the same time, unfortunately, my dad has faced some serious financial losses in past few months, only due to his rigid and egoistic nature.
I personally have asked him a number of times to perform istikhara before taking any financial decision but he NEVER EVER does so, because according to him, the fear of negative results of Istikhara haunts him whenever he thinks of doing so.
Adnan,
my dad was the same. he made terrible financial decisions that even i as a child could tell that they are bound to be doomed. he took my brothers scholarship money to invest in a small buisness , a buiness that was going in shambles anyway. my brother till date cant forgive him. i dont blame him .
my brother used to give tuitions and save money for his university but my dad used to make fun of him and use to hush away all his students. he eventually stopped give tuitions at home and used to make excuses of coming late home as he started to give tuitions in students houses which meant he had to travel more.
when i started giving tuitions . he made so much fun of me that i had to give up and as an alternative I started stealing money from his pocket. i never spend that money on anything lavish just simple things like books and second hand clothing, which i needed for the uni.
alhamdullillah, Allah has given all of us ( siblings) a lot of success, a lot of izzah, a lot of self respect. All praise be to Allah. but the key was staying focused in coming out of this manhole. beleiving in yourself and having this full faith in Allah that He will NEVER leave you alone in any circumstances.
my mother cannot advise me in anything , she just starts crying and I hate this emotional drama. my dad is not alive anymore and I miss him as i wanted to show to him that we are not as useless as you thougth of us.
what helped me was keeping company of really good people. some were a lot older than me ,they had the life experience. i found that family members where not very helpful and even if they wanted to help I didnt want their help as they would patronise you all their life.
above all what really help me and thats what i rely on is reading quran and praying tahajud. Asking Allah for guidance in making right decisions.He never lets anyone down. one just has to be sincere.
iam single and as a woman made it so far only by the help of Allah. I am glad that Allah kept it like that for me and not a dampsel in distress saved by a prince charming ! I feel so special .
there was a lot more going on in my home and pesonal life but this post is not about me. I am sharing this with you so that your heart becomes strong and I want you to know that there are people out there in your situation that you can relate to.
i read surah Dhuha( 93) and surah Alam nashrah(94) a lot when I feel really distressed. it helps a lot. i find that each and everyword is as if Allah is talking to me and giving me 'tasali' indeed WITH difficulty comes ease
Place your trust in Allah , keep moving forward. may Allah make it easy with you.
remember maintain ties with your sibling specially your brother. i find that my two brothers grew apart because of this, alhamdulilah its a lot better situation now.
if you think your big sis can be of some use, i will be honored 🙂
take care
I think you mean tutoring, not tuitions.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
In Pakistan they use the word tuition for lesson.
Salam dear brother
Alhamdulillah, much good advice has been imparted by our brothers and sisters through this site. I would just like to hopefully add a little bit to what has been said so far, just to perhaps help in our understanding of people around us who may have hurt us in the process of our interaction with them, parents included.
Read what is in the website http://www.lightshouse.org on personality disorders in order to shed some light on disordered personality types. I find that it helps to some extent in terms of understanding difficult personalities around us, and it may also give some tips as to how not to conduct ourselves, in our strive to become better people in our interaction with others.
It is said that the offspring of disordered personalities may grow into similarly disordered personalities, but I believe that if the offspring is aware of that, then he/she can change and prevent that recurrence from happening.
Sis Happy Hippo
Dear Sister Happy Hippo,
Walaikum Assalam.
Thank you very much for your kind advice.
Something that you pointed out in the last paragraph of your post is very striking.
This is what I actually think about and pray to Allah S.W.T for, that is, becoming not like my parents so that my children in future would not have to suffer as we being the children of our parents did throughout our lives.
Dear Big Sister Friend,
I am really sorry for your father. May Allah S.W.T , forgive him, make the life after death easier for him and bless him with high ranks in Jannah. Ameen.
Secondly sister, indeed I feel sad for your brother and can envision myself to be in his shoes quite easily. This has somewhat happened to me but in a different way. I was threatened by my dad of not paying my semester fees for remaining 2 semesters if I didn't hand over my scholarship amount to him.
I don't know if it's a co-incidence, but each and every thing that you wrote of your home and your parents seemed to describe about mine as well. Same-to-same..
My dear sister, Mashallah, like what you told of yourself, even us siblings are now educated and respected wherever we go Alhamdulillah and no one can have even the slightest idea about the situation of our home. People always speak good of us in front of our parents who feel so proud at the moment. But what we actually keep hearing from them at home is: "We are being tested by Allah with children like you !". Allah Forgive Me, but I would never ever in my life pass such a compliment to MY children, NEVER.
Big sister, Thank you so much for your alleviating words. They have truely made me strong, I swear. I pray to Allah S.W.T for giving you all the happiness, success and all what you ask for in your life. May you and all others on this website be blessed with lots of "ajar". Ameen..
Brother Wael, if you're reading this, Thank You so much for providing us with a platform for sharing our problems and in return, getting advised from brothers and sisters who are filled with wisdom, purity, sincerity and intelligence. You may never know, but you are all getting tonnes of dua's from people like us in problems. May Allah S.W.T be pleased with each and every one of you. Ameen.
Jazakallah Khair..
Is it haram if I move out?
My parents and family will disown me.... But my arms are open to them. Im 20, and I will still be a strong muslim after moving out. I just need to be independent...