Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Under pressure to divorce my First Wife

Love triangle, two women and one man

Asalam alaykum,

I am married to two wives. My first marriage was my choice and my second was arranged to my cousin in my country. My first wife knew of engagement and marriage to my cousin. But I never told my cousin that I already had a wife when I married her. Now my cousin has discovered that I have a first wife and she accuses me of deceiving her and said she never would have married me if she knew that I already was married.

Now my family has asked me to choose between my first wife and cousin wife/ family. They want me to divorce my first wife though she has done no wrong to me or to them. My cousin is home in my country and lives with my family there while my first wife and I reside and work in the US. Can my family insist that I divorce my first wife? Should I offer my cousin wife the right to divorce me if she is so unhappy? I can and fully intend to support both wives but my family puts much pressure on me to divorce the first wife to appease them and second wife.   I am in need of some Islamic advice in this matter.  Thank you.

mansoor17


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9 Responses »

  1. Brother, just carry on with your present life. Let everyone shout and you stop caring for whatever they say. One way or the other, it would automatically settle down. This is just the matter of time and patience.

    • I don't get your answer... you act like the women are supposed to be treated like two cats stuck in the same room together. The man took the quality of life of a woman into his hands and married her when she didn't know the situation she was entering into. This means the marriage wasn't done Islamically, as no marriage in Islam is valid without a ceremony and celebration and proclamation to the family at which point the first wife would have learned about it. You can't just skip around the world collecting women, as much as YOU might like to think it's a privilege of men to do so. You live in a very small box.

  2. Salaam

    You did deceive your second wife by not telling her that you were already married. You stole a fundamental right from her, and made her permissible to you through a lie. You should talk to a scholar about how best to make amends for that grave mistake.

    You have now harmed both your wives by your acts. Remember - you should want for your sister what you want for yourself. Would you not want honesty from your wives?

    If I were you, I would offer my second wife talaq and any compensations she might want for having been tricked into marrying you under false pretences. Should she wish to stay in marriage, fine. Should she wish to leave, then send her away with your blessings and make it known in her community that she left because of your lie so no stain comes on her name!

    And go back to your first wife and ask her forgiveness that you nearly destroyed all your lives through your mindless actions.

    May Allah forgive you and give your second wife an honest husband should she choose to leave.

  3. Salaam brother,
    I feel bad for both your wives, neither of them are at fault. It was wrong of you to deceive your second wife, but now that she has found out I don't think it's right for you to divorce your first wife she has done nothing wrong. You cannot divorce her on the basis that she is not your cousin. It was wrong of you to keep her a secret, perhaps if you had been honest about her your family wouldn't have asked you to marry your cousin?

    You need to apologise to your second wife and try to make amends. Tell her that your sorry, but you can't divorce your first wife. Make it clear that you want to treat them both equally and want to make both marriages work. If however, she doesn't agree with this, then give her the choice of divorce.

    I honestly can't imagine the pain your second wife must be feeling. It can't be a good feeling to discover that your husband has a secret second wife.

    May Allah swt make things easy for all three of you. Ameen.

  4. OP: Now my cousin has discovered that I have a first wife and she accuses me of deceiving her and said she never would have married me if she knew that I already was married.......Now my family has asked me to choose between my first wife and cousin wife/ family. They want me to divorce my first wife though she has done no wrong to me or to them. My cousin is home in my country and lives with my family there while my first wife and I reside and work in the US.

    Did you get your "GREEN CARD" from your first wife? Did your family knew that your first wife was going to get you a "GREEN CARD"? What was the reason you lied to your second wife about your first wife?

    You also broke US laws by marrying two women and you can bring your second wife to US only after you divorce your wife. It may not be easier to get a Visa for your second wife if you became a citizen by marrying a US citizen.

    • You ARE quite smart! I never thought of it that way. Even tho you may not be 100% correct, it could be a possibility but then again it may not. Let's just say it is: he being from a foreign country, may have married his 1st wife for a "green card" and "to obtain citizenship". Men now adays are so desperate for their papers that they use women as durags to get what they want and just dispose of them when their done with them. Smh

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Some say that taking a marriage in deception is not valid. I would check with a scholar about your marriage to your second wife; if you married her and she didn't know she was entering polygamy you might've invalidated it by that deception. If that were to be the case, and she wanted to remain with you, would have to have another nikkah with her. But please check with someone knowledgeable about that, making assumptions one way or the other can put things in great jeopardy.

    Divorcing your first wife is unthinkable. It doesn't matter what your family says. It doesn't even matter if you married her with ulterior motives (green card). It seems like you care for her, and I'll assume she cares for you. That's all that matters, you should remain married. And if the second marriage does turn out to be valid, it's that wife's choice what she wants to do as her right to be polygamous or not remains active. If she wants out, let her out. But if she wants to stay, do the honorable thing and try to make it work with both.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb..

    Crraaazzzyy situaaation it is that you've landed yourself into brother.

    - You should've told your second wife of your first. - I guess it's too late now. (But, for any other Brothers who happen to be reading this comment, don't like seriously DO NOT keep your marital status a secret)

    - Now, you're in a situation where your family is pushing you to divorce either of them. I would advise of you not to do so.. not on that basis anyway..

    - Your first wife has supported you throughout (what a big heart she has).. I don't think she deserves a divorce..

    - If either of them want a divorce and seek for it then that's a different issue..

    - I'd like to point something else out too.. I do understand that according to Islam It's okay to marry up until 4 wives because the Prophet *pbuh* had done so.. please let's understand that the Prophet *pbuh* was perfect of character, the best in character. You cannot match up to the Prophet *pbuh*. So if you see issues taking place then don't be surprised. You cannot expect to marry (4x) or more than once whatever and expect for things to be all hunky dory.

    - You men cannot deal/handle more than one wife adequately.. so don't even try it? If you're dying to follow a Sunnah then please follow the others. It's really odd when you see the "non-Islamic" turds marrying more than once in the name of Islam. yet they follow nothing else!

  7. You are allowed to marry 4 wives. Deep inside I think you did not think things through because if you did you would have told your 2nd wife that I have already been married before. In a way it is your fault your in this position. Only thing now is to wait and see if she accepts the change and ask for her forgiveness. If not then you may need to move on.

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