Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Understanding the right path

Muslim woman in hijab

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,

I have found myself in a dilemma.

I have been single all my life (I am now 30) and have not thought much on meeting a man as I have been preoccupied with family obligations and my career.

However, In the past 6 months, I have made friends with a man. His family and my family know each other as we grew up in one hometown, however, he and I never really interacted as he is much older than me and he was mostly friends with my older siblings. We've evolved to become good friends and it seems as though there is perhaps feelings between us but we have not spoken of such things. His father is a muslim and his mother is a Christian.

When we first met, we talked about many things and he mentioned he grew up confused on his faith and still is confused. He has come to love our heritage (indonesian) as he is half australian and his dad is indonesian and told me his recent trip back home made him think a lot about the teachings of Islam. We talked about our futures such as the type of person we would want to marry and I was quick to state that I want to marry a Muslim man - at this early stage, I purely saw him as just a friend.

Time has since passed and we've evolved as friends and got to know esch other, however, our relationship remains as friends.

For the first time, I have been praying to ask Allah for a companion in life and I have asked Allah to bring closer the one who is chosen for me and distance the one who is particular, I have prayed that I hope this man finds Islam - not particularly to be with me but for himself as when he confides in me, I can feel and know his sorrows can be answered with prayer. Many times, I have tried to meet other people, to distance myself but he always returns back into my life again and it makes me wonder.

Recently, he had a few uncles pass away and he told me that he wanted to ask one of his uncles who is muslim to show him how to pray so he can pray for his father. I told him that it was a good thing for him to learn about Islam and talk to someone. He agreed.

Since that time, I have maintained our friendship. He is kind and respectful , even to my faith and there is many things he knows and understands about it.

However, during this time, my mother has spoken to me and she has said for me to distance myself from him as he is not a muslim and she will never ever accept him neither will my dad. She told me that she wants me to find a muslim born man not a revert because it will be hard for me. I did not fight with her.

I have no intention to marry a non muslim. If i marry a revert, i pray he has found islam before he has found me. I would never want to marry a revert who reverts JUST to marry me as I don't want that.

My question is, what do I do?

I feel I cannot judge this man, he has done nothing wrong and totally cutting ties with him may also not be a good thing or is it?

Thank you for your help.




Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

3 Responses »

  1. And Peace be unto you,

    Your friendship with him is total haram in Islam. So you need to repent to Allah and stop talking to him.

    After that, advice him through somebody that the minimum criteria for a good Muslim is 5 times compulsory prayer and a good character. It should be like a general advice, not like an advice where he needs to pray 5 times and have a good character in order to get married to you because he needs to do it for Allah's sake because if he does it for your sake he will stop doing it after one or two months of marriage.

    So, after the advice wait for one month and if he is praying 5 times and showing a good character, then you may marry him. If your parents oppose it, tell them to find a good guy whom you should like and give them one or two months' time, but they won't be able to if Allah wills for you to get married to this guy as this guy prays 5 times salah and has good character.

    How do you find out if he is praying 5 times and has good character? Well, ask Allah and Allah will show you, like somebody would tell you that he is indeed praying 5 times or you yourself would see him doing things.

    But if the guy doesn't pray 5 times and shows bad character, then you leave him for the sake of Allah and Allah will never let you down and Allah Subhanawataalah will find the best husband for you.

  2. Dear Sister,
    You have taken right decision. No way to marry a non-muslim. But find a real muslim who understand islam, value islam. It is better wait than marry a wrong person.

    My ex-fiance( was a muslim but not practicing from heart) was played with my trust and heart. He broke commitment. He showed himself as all accepting. He married someone else. He is happy. So far, I have faced and still facing is sadness. Because finally, I was emotionally attached. And I am the sufferer since 8 months. Now I am taking treatment for depression. I may not survive finally, or may be. But I do not want anyone who suffer like me. Who's heart could be broken like me.

    I had faith in Allah, still have. But the current situation is not favoring me. Situation is more worse because my family is suffering too.

    I beg you, take the decision from brain not by heart. It is rear that bad people turn to allah. So choose right person, take time. May Allah help you.

  3. Wsalam Nanat,
    Being single and beyond 30 is what made me respond to your post more; rather than
    having any practical experience in such a situation.
    Sister, crossing 30 and being single starts ticking a time-bomb in our minds and hearts and can make us desperate and vulnerable.
    You say time and again that we are simply
    friends and this man is yet to find his faith; though, he is struggling and may Allah grant him the Truth. It is not in your hands and you do not know when that will happen.
    As Brother Yusuf advises, if you want to be proactive, get some people from your local Mosque to meet him and answer his queries or if suited, ask your older brothers to do that since he is familiar with them. Give it a time frame and if he reverts by Allah’s command, you can take it on from there.
    However, beyond that, you have to move on. You seem to be getting attached to a mirage and it can hinder your search as your heart will be elsewhere.
    There is nothing wrong with asking Allah SWT for a pious husband. Continue to pray too. But, you have to draw some very concrete lines. You cannot continue to be friends with him even while you wait for him to accept Islam. You have to busy yourself and minimise communication to be business like, though polite. You cannot judge him or his level of faith, but practical advise for you being a Muslim woman is to distance yourself and if he does not revert in a few months’ time, then cut off ties. It is better for you. It will be difficult initially, but, do not drag yourself into an emotional hassle. Allah will grant us partners when He wills but being proactive does not mean putting ourselves through a painful situation.

Leave a Response