Uneducated husband
Asalamu alaykum,
Not sure what to do about my husband. I am worried about the future of our family. My husband told me he wants to be serious in Islam but I see that it is not true. He does not want to read the Quran (only if we get in a big fight, then he reads a few verses). He won't study and learn more about the deen (only if I force him to go to an Islamic lesson at Masjid every Tuesday). He won't normally wake up for Fajr (unless I wake him up and if I don't he blames me). He argues against clear verses from Quran and clear authentic Hadiths with his own opinions (then we get in big fight and he tries to then say ok " I agree" just to stop the arguement). He is addicted to TV (mainly Al Jazeera).
Finally he is not interested in even learning more in the dunya or becoming more educated, even though he does not have a high school diploma. So, I tell him, "I will not stay with you if you cannot financially take care of the family at some point. " I, the wife, am paying all bills. Even when he makes a little money here and there, he does not offer to help me, he just keeps it.
My husband is very handsome, kind, and gentle. He cooks, cleans, and helps me in the house and with my son a lot. He is my best friend and I love him very much. His family is beautiful and nice, especially his mother. I want the best for him. But all these things are making me worry and also, it's too stressful for me to always have all the responsibility on me, like a man.
I have plans and goals, inshallah I want to do, for my life but I feel like I am being held back. Sometimes I wonder if he has left the fold of Islam or if he is a Hypocrite. I am worried. Advice anyone?
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Salaam My sister,
I am sorry to hear of your frustration with your husband. This is not an issue regarding his loyalty to Islam, or whether or not he is a hypocrite - the fact is whomever prays, fasts, pays Zakat and accepts Allah as the one true God, and that Muhammad is his messenger then he is a Muslim.
This is an attitude issue at work.
It sounds to me as if it is not that your husband doesn't genuinely want these things (knowledge, education, religiosity and so on) - it's that he doesn't want to work hard to get them. He is lazy, basically, and the issue here is one of lack of passion, focus and determination.
The second thing at work here is that you are a female. Not just any female, but a wife and mother one. That means that you are always thinking of things in a two-three-steps-ahead sense of the word. So, if husband throws his rubbish on the floor instead of the bin, you're thinking "great, I've got ten years of this and it will only get worse". You also trend things into a little statistical analysis in your mind "if he is throwing his rubbish on the floor now, in 5 years time he will be throwing food on the floor and throwing water all over the bathroom!". Females are process based, and by that I mean females see things "going in a direction" or "not going in a direction". You are frustrated at the direction that your husband is going in a naturally you seek to change it.
BUT, what you are actually doing is mothering him. You are taking responsibility for what he should be taking responsibility for and treating him like your son - so he is acting like the oldest child in the family instead of one of the parents. This could be a passive-aggressive response to your "encouragement" (which most likely comes across as nagging) or it could be just plain laziness.
In order to solve this problem, first of all you must stop applying the "I can see where this is going..."mentality, as doing this will first of all calm you down and stop you from having visions of an apocalyptic future where he sits in front of the TV all day and you are basically his mother. The second thing to do is to stop pushing him to be the man you want him to be, and stop trying to initiate change which he will only resist.
He needs motivation, not guidance. Sit down with him and say "husband, we need more finance coming into the house, can you help me?" and then let him do what he thinks is best- appeal to him to join in partnership with you and thank him when he does take action. Don't push him to classes or study, and when he whines that you didn't wake him up, or feed him, or do something - respond calmly that you are surprised that he didn't do it himself, as he is an able man who is more than capable of being responsible for himself. Most males love to solve problems - and so if you present him with a problem that "you cant handle" then he is likely to try and solve it for you. The reason he is not doing anything right now, is because he cannot identify a problem. Everything is ticking over nicely, he is comfortable and happy and nothing needs to change.
The skill is to alert him to the problem and ask him to help you solve it - i.e: the problem is that you feel burdened, the problem is that you are exhausted, the problem is that you need more finance in the home, the problem is that you are worried about the level of Islam in your lives -and see how this new conversation develops between you.
If your husband is already kind, and gentle then mashaAllah - he has the qualities to hear you and respond to you. Now it's up to you to communicate successfully to initiate the steps that will flourish into the future you both want inshaAllah.
Peace,
L
I begin with the name of Allah.
My sister may Allah help you in your work.
As advice I would say to you
" SEND HIM TO JAMA TABLIQ (DAWA) THAT HE MAY NOTICE THE PURPOSE OF THIS LIFE INSHA ALLAH, AND BE PATIENt WITH YOUR WORK, ONE DAY ALLAH SWA WILL REWARD YOU OF YOUR DEEDS INSHA ALLAH".