Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unfair Triple Talaaq

law fiqh marriage divorce

Salaam everyone

I would like your advice on my current situation.

I married 8 months ago to a man who I knew for two years, we always spoke with the intention to marry and our families knew this although they were not pleased for us as we are from different ‘cultures’ and ‘castes’. I am South Asian – Pakistani am sure you have guessed when I mentioned castes.

When our families finally met last year to discuss the marriage, my family insisted we live in separate accommodation because he knew it would be very difficult living with my husband’s family especially as he knew his mother was not happy with our marriage. My husband insisted it would be fine and I supported him and we married.

Since I have been living with in laws in , my marriage has fell apart. I realised that my mother in law never wanted my husband to marry, she did not believe a husband should go out with his wife or the wife should go out at all – she has not left her house for the past 8 years and suffered from depression. She scolded me for everything I did – from menial things like cooking, dress and working outside from the home to how I should address my husband (not by his name she believes that is disrespectful). His mother does not believe in an affectionate relationship with your spouse, rather I married to serve my mother in law and the home only. I spent a lot of time in my room and rarely came downstairs, not because I was afraid of her but because I was afraid if antagonised I would say things that I cannot take back – as a daughter in law I am familiar with the terms – one strike and you’re out.

However last December my husband had an argument with me because I chose to meet my sister who lives far away and came home than to go to a distant relatives wedding with him. He told me to take my things and go home. I was very upset and I know I acted out of anger and frustration of living with his parents – I came with my parents took my things and went home.

He forgave me for leaving his home but I told him I would not return unless we lived separately - he said he would never leave his mother and would never 'choose' me over his parents. I never asked him to choose only for us to live apart because I could not live in the same house as his family. He spoke to me and I met with him every day since December. His parents never came to my house and my parents never went to their house. My parents did not see the point in trying to reconcile with such a unreasonable family and we tried to involve the local imam but to no avail. Last month my husband met me and said he had enough and his family is pressurising him to divorce me.

The next day two men - their son in laws turned up with all my things and a letter written by his sister on behalf of his parents asking me to return my gold bangles, my lengha and ring with a message that they do not want me back. The following day the same men delivered a signed triple divorce paper to my house. A few days later they came again to ask for gifts back. We refused to give gifts back and gave them a note with ayahs from Surah Nisa and Sura Baqrah on asking for gifts back from divorced women. This is a very unfair form of talaaq - it makes the women vulnerable and a victim very quickly. Is the triple talaaq in writing valid? It has been done so quickly, so cold heartedly by his family that I am in disbelief that a family with so many daughters can behave in such a manner towards someone else's daughter.

Before I met my ex husband I had always wanted to marry my cousin for many years however stupidly I walked away from him because he would not get a job and I thought he would financially abuse me as I had a good career. Now after this experience I remembered all the good qualities in my cousin - soft hearted, caring, merciful and compassionate. I broke his heart when I married and now I am heart broken that I left him to marry this man who could not balance the needs of a wife and mother. My cousin is still unmarried but he will be too angry to care for me now. How can I stop dwelling on the past and being regretful. Alhumdhililah it has only been a few weeks since my divorce but I feel so much ease from making dua and prayers. But for some reason I always have my cousin on my mind in the hope he will forgive me.

What dua will help me to move on and stop regret and dwelling on what could have been....


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7 Responses »

  1. I can completely understand what you are going through. I am in the same situation as you however my husband is taking his time to decide whether he wants me or not. He has told me he wants divorce. Sister, the fact that you are at ease after weeks of divorce means that you were in a horrible position that was compromising your peace so firstly Alhamdulillah for that. Second, about you returning gifts let God deal with them now. You will only find peace when you know that Allah swt is never unjust so just wait and watch how God makes justice. And trust me, you WILL get to see what happens with them inshaAllah. No family has the right to take the gifts back that they gave the bride. They went against God by doing that. Plus, a man who after knowing you for two years just gave u a talaaq over petty issues means he just couldnt take the responsibility of a wife. You should just move on sister. And thank God that Allah swt took you out of this situation.

    Surely, Allah swt saved you from harm no doubt. Anyway, about the other cousin sister I know you are now in regret and thinking maybe I shouldve married him but keep in mind nothing not even a leaf falls from a tree without. Allah's knowledge so your marriage was meant to be. I can see that you think he is a good match for you look sister it is upto him to decide whether he can accept you or not. But if u feel he can be a good husband take your time and think about it then i suppose there is no shame in asking the guy's parents or the guy if he would consider it. Do an istakhara about it. We human beings can just try the result is upto Allah swt.

    I am proud of you sister for not breaking down and being so strong mashaAllah. May Allah swt ease your pain and give you a better, caring man in the future who fears Allah swt in regards to u and everything else. Ameen.

    I have faith that inshaAllah your future will be full of happiness.

  2. Sister ,

    Sorry to hear your situation .May Allah help you .

    I will suggest you to wait for some time and don't immediately get in to new relationship as other side grass looks green .

  3. Assalamu Alaikum sister....I am facing exactly the same situation as yours.....But Alhamdulillah I am feeling better now...Allah Swt will surely teach them a lesson....He is there for us always.....dont worry sister....he loves us more than anyone in this world...he always does only good for us....InShaAllah

  4. Salaam sisters and brothers - thank you for all your advice Alhumdhililah. My ex husband came to my house a few weeks ago demanding his ring and bangles back, I gave them back to his family that evening to find out he had left the country alone. Clearly the responsibility of marriage and now divorce was too much for him to bear. Running away from problems is what he knows best. Yes I do remember the happier times with him, am trying not to be too harsh on myself and focus only on the bad things that have happened between us. I was never afraid of divorce, I disliked it for the sake of Allah swt as the devil revels in discord between man and wife. In my case my mother in law let shaitaan get the better of her and jealousy and envy were acted upon more than mercy and compassion. Alhumdhililah what a family to be freed from. His mother said after that they had destroyed my life.. no.. Al Mumtaqim I
    have complete tawakul will
    make me victorious against my enemies and inshaAllah spiritually I will win. Sisters I prat for you all.. I make Um Salahma dua that we are compensated with something better for our affliction. xxx

    • Salaam sister, I'm sorry for your loss but I'm so inspired by how positive you are. May Allah swt bless you with something ten million times better ameen

    • Assalaamualaikum Sister,

      May Allah(swt) bless you with lot of patience and tawakkal. You are already doing good but remember that there will be ups and downs, so keep yourself busy and listen islamic lectures which will help.

      Believe me, men like your ex-husband or mine or Hopeful Sis or Sister Bucks are not worthy to spend the whole life with them. We may be feeling lonely but that is better than being abused by them, being deprived of our rights, being their families maids ..... being doormats

      I have been divorced in the similar way.. he ran away instead of providing a home.. I am a mother of 2+ toddler who looks exactly like his father, who ran away from this responsibility as well. Recently on a corporate job site, I saw his profile pic, just yesterday infact and believe me, it hurts. Irony was he is near Mecca wearing the arab cultural dress with head cover with sense of smile and peace on his face, it did broke me for few mins and I wrote some lines and sent to just an internal mail for myself addressing my son as he is too young to know what I am going through but after few hours a thought passed by. Earlier I was feeling bad that he is living happily , peacefully, smiling and that too , he is near Mecca, standing closer to Kaaba after what he did to us, okay if I am also wrong but what did my son did that he got abandoned. All this was burning me inside and after sometime a though cross by, that my imaan is weak. If I have firm belief that Allah (swt) is the master of the day of judgement, Allah(swt) knows all, Allah (swt) is watching us then I should not have these hurt feelings at all. Let him be anywhere , near Kaaba , let him marry again.. get more childrens .. be happy with his mother - the culprit in my life as well. let him do whatever but Allah (swt) is watching us and I should have enough belief that Allah (swt) will do the justice, may not be in this world but there is a day, day of judgement and I should wait for it. This thought helped me and gave me direction that I need to work on strengthening my eemaan rather than focusing on looking at how he is living happily even after making us suffer.

      Please remember me and my kid in your prayers..

      Suffering but trying to keep myself on the straight path and be a good mother. You are very strong, May Allah(swt) give all of us the strength to keep moving forward.

      take care...

      • It not easy my sister but may Allah give you the strength to carry on...I’m in the same situation now and I know how it feels ..barely a month after he divorced me he has married the woman he was cheating on me with ...the same woman he got pregnant when I was also pregnant and had gone to my parents because I was very sick and there was no one to take care of ...I was three months pregnant by then ..he never stepped foot in my house until I gave birth..I didn’t even receive a call from him until after my baby was 5months when he filled for divorce .he was chasing women ,sleeping outside and wasn’t even giving me money for my upkeep and I’m student aswell...he actually told to stop schooling ...the most painful part was that he had the support of my mother in law and siblings...they have never called me aswell since I left their house’s very painful but what can I do ...have left everything to Allah ..he is all knowing..for all I know Allah has better plans for me ..I haven’t lost hope Yet ...inshallah I will be fine ...I’m relieved and have my peace of mind now ..

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