Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unfaithful husband won’t divorce me

Asalamualaikum everyone

I am a 32 year old married woman. I have been in an arranged marriage with my husband for over six years. At the time of our marriage being arranged i sensed some reluctance from him in getting married but assumed it was just cold feet/nerves. He also used to mention having female friends and was worried that I would have a problem with that. I was naive and I said it wouldn't be a problem.

A month after our marriage while cleaning the shelves a letter fell out from among the books on it. it was a love letter from a woman addressed to him. It was dated around the time of our engagement. I asked him about it and he said it was old and he no longer was in touch with that person. I believed him, but my trust had been badly shaken. He was also good friends with his cousins wife. a few months after this incident I saw a message by her flash on his screen while being received. It was "I love you, you are my angel". He was asleep at the time. I could not stop myself, i went through his messages. There were several very flirtatious exchanges to several women including his cousins wife.

I confronted him about them and he was enraged and started throwing things at me and said these women were just his friends and nothing was serious. I remained calm at the time and when he calmed down too I went to my mothers house. He started calling me soon after saying he was very sick and that he wanted me back.

Even though I decided to give him a chance the seed of doubt remained and next year while checking his phone I saw very intimate messages to another woman. I separated for a month till he literally begged me to come back again.

Next year the same thing repeated itself AGAIN. We separated for three months and i went back on the insistence of my father who was very upset at the idea of me getting divorced. My husband himself refused to backdown and said he will stop all communication with the woman and that he could not live without me.

3 years have passed since that. He has a passcode on his phone. I try not to think about what he is doing and who he is messaging. Our relationship is like that of roommates with Stockholme syndrome. We have no physical relationship. He is generally nice to me, buys me a lot of gifts and very nice to my family, but here is a lack of intimacy and when he loses his temper he blames me for separating him from his 'friends'.

I know if you're reading this you're thinking "what a fool this woman is! She should have left him long ago". But the problem is he does not want a divorce. Everytime I mentioned it he would get very upset and then be exceedingly nice for a time and make all sorts o false promises.

He only wishes to remain married for his parents sake, who i believe forced him to marry. His mother consistently emotionally blackmails him by telling him she is very sick and that his being married brings her peace. She is currently trying to get his younger brother married against his will too and keeps telling him is he does not marry she will have a nervous breakdown. His father is a very strict man and my husband in his mid-40s is still afraid of him (We live in a large joint family system with very little privacy).

So here I am in a marriage against my will. My patience is at an end. He refuses to Divorce me. Furthermore He has become very intimate with his elder brothers wife who keeps telling him that he should try for a baby because she and his brother are also trying for one. She also constantly gossips about me. I have overheard her myself. It is all very suffocating. These people are also relatives. i don't have my fathers support for khula, only my mothers. i don't know how to get out of this.

I am sorry if I can't respond to any questions. I don't have good net access

Thank you everyone for your help in advance Jazak Allah

Haniya. m

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4 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Your father may dislike the fact that you want to end your marriage however, you have a right to happiness and peace within your life. How on earth you have lasted six years in such a marriage has indeed been a sacrifice on your part. You are a grown woman and as such, you should do whatever it is you need to do and if that means packing your bags and leaving, so be it.


  2. OP: 3 years have passed since that. He has a passcode on his phone. I try not to think about what he is doing and who he is messaging. Our relationship is like that of roommates with Stockholme syndrome. We have no physical relationship.

    Did you ever have normal physical relationship (sexual intercourse) with your husband? Your husband does not want to leave you.

    I think your husband is not involved sexually with any one, he is just enjoying virtual sex/flirting with different women. This may be his source of entertainment.

    You can still get pregnant by IVF techniques without having sex.

    Do your parents know there is not physical relationship with your husband? If they know they may be more willing to let you divorce.

  3. This doesn't sound like a good marriage for either of you and both of you are forced into staying because of your parents. If it's that difficult then go ahead and get a divorce.

  4. Haniay,
    I just read your post and would advise you nothing will change unless you make the change. This man is being emotionally abusive by keeping you in this marriage and cheating on you, even if it is just exchanging flirty messages. He is staying married to you to appease his parents and keeps you sweet by buying you gifts etc. But truly he is not interested in you.

    I hope things have improved since you posted. If not, it's time to choose your own happiness and leave this misery. Pls do not have a child with him. A child is not a solution and can add to the stress in an already unhappy marriage.

    You must be strong and find a way out of this situation with or without your family's support. They do not have to live with this man every day for the rest of their lives. You do.

    You have been immensely strong and patient for so long. Now it's time to rely on Allah swt and leave this man.

    May Allah swt bless you and guide to what is better for you, both in this world and the next.

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