Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unfaithful Husband

Going on a trip, bags packed

Is it time to leave?

I have been married for almost 6 years. We don't have any children yet... a blessing, I have begun to think. I know that my husband used to drink before we got married (he was a divorcee already, btw, he's 6 years older than me). He treated me really badly since the beginning, being very rude and curt all the time.

In the first year of our marriage I discovered that he was in a relationship with a cousin of his, romantically involved. I caught his messages on the mobile to her. He tried to explain by telling me something vague about his first marriage. I went on. Then I discovered that he had sent messages to one of MY cousins, and was starting an affair with her. That was caught too, and everyone came to know, because that cousin was just using him to avenge her brother, who had wanted to marry me but I refused. That time he said that this is the last time anything like this will ever happen.

Years passed, no children. We had checkups n stuff...then one doctor recommended hormone pills to trigger fertility. I took the course. Only to find out that while I was playing around with my hormones, he was smoking pot with his neighbor friend. That hurt me very badly and I felt betrayed.

Recently we went to a good clinic and had thorough tests. Seems that we can't have children because of his zero sperm motility. All my reports were fine Alhamdulillah. I never acknowledged it and we got ready for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I started jobs and worked hard, since the last 6 months, to pay for the IVF. But all he does is make his career plans (he's obsessed with money), and doesn't do anything for the IVF. I realized this and bought a phone just to make a point that I will NOT slave for something I don't want in the first place (I would love to get pregnant naturally), but more so because he is least pushed about it. I decided I won't, and if we have to have IVF, he should fund it. He hasn't done anything to make money for that yet.

Anyway, just 2 weeks ago, I discovered he's having an affair again. With a married cousin of his. He was hiding it...but i chanced upon it. And the girl is someone I had actually become friendly with. She wears Hijab and says Alhamdulillah, Astaghfirullah a lot. But what farce! How they both duped me. He says they started chatting (they have been in touch all these years, n when i commented that this is a little too chummy for cousins, he said, What? she's like a sister to me!! what's wrong with you?) well, they started talking and it led them to remembering their past, how they were in a relationship, but she got engaged to another cousin, and he got married to me and how life would have been if they had married each other.

Crux is, she broke down and came clean with her husband. Her husband then mailed my husband cursing him. And that's the mail I chanced upon while he was trying to close it from me. Her husband wrote that 'every time you talk to her filth comes out from your mind, you cannot have a single decent conversation with her, you horny bas****'

That really hurt me... in fact this time, it just killed everything in me. All feelings for him... and when I was thinking we're moving on. He destroyed it completely.  The pain was so great that I just blocked it out, and am numb.

Just two days after I discovered this my husband's father came to stay with us for a month. I was all set to inform him, and announce my intention of leaving this marriage. But now he's here, I don't have the heart to cause him that grief, as he's a real decent fellow.

I did Istikhara but haven't gotten a clear answer, or maybe I don't know how to interpret it. I asked him what they talked about, and he told me about past etc. When I asked what filthy things he wouldnt say. On my insistence he said he said gushy mushy stuff to her, and I love you, and I want to hold you, kiss you, I could pounce on you, I want to kiss your stomach etc. am sure he censored a lot while telling.

Now am just numb! My friend says no point in staying now; he will never change. But he has taken a pledge on Quran, saying that he will always be faithful to me and put in his best. My friend says that's because he knows he can't afford to lose me, he won't get a simple girl like me again.

He says that he has pledged on just two things his whole life, to his mom, that he will never drink again, and will never smoke pot again, and has kept those promises. And will honor this pledge too. But again, he had promised me before that he will be faithful to me, and broke it
I just don't know what to do.

Please advise.

Advertisements

Tagged as: , ,

27 Responses »

  1. Sister, its time to cut your losses and leave. Even if you decide to stay - you will never feel for him the feelings that you are suppost to feel in terms of love, feeling like you are valued, feeling like you can trust your husband and all of the other things and that is a miserable life. Regardless of what he has done (and what he has done - I can write a whole essay on how unacceptable it is) you must take care of yourself mentally and spiritually. This man is destroying your faith in love, trust and in the faithful because to betrayed by one who swears on Quran and then breaks it, to be cheated with by someone who wears hijab and is married in such a way will tear you from trust not only in people but also in faith.
    You WILL heal, you will find love, you will find a good man and you will be happy still in a year or two's time if you leave. Dont think you wont. You will. But first you have to find the strength to leave.

    • I agree with Leyla. Would you really want to bring a child into this marriage and then you'd really be stuck? Even though it sounds like what you describe as "affairs" were not actually taken to the point of zinaa, still they represent a breach of trust. Once might be forgiven, but when it happens repeatedly there is an obvious pattern, and patterns tend to repeat.

  2. salaam alkium siis i really feel ooful siis n felt lyk crying as i was readind may alah fulful u n ur eman siis u hav been pashent 4 so long n subhanahana every tym u did somthing haraam alah showd u that's how good n honest u were siis leav him u beter off without him i agree with that siis u will hill but 1 day u will reliaz that u were living in a hell i would do that if my husband did that 2 me siis there are things that islam wouldnt let iz 2 hav un afrrer may alah help u n giv u da stranth 2 leav that man n replace u with a beter 1 amin

  3. JazakAllah, and thank you very much for your replies, Leyla, Wael, and Marya. Your words fill me with hope and courage.
    Did I mention that it was an arranged marriage? And though I did not mind his being divorced, my point is that I was kind of forced into this marriage at the age of 22. I was not prepared for it. My mother packed and sent me off to the first serious proposal I got! What I mean is that my parents are not helpful at all!! Myself and my mother do not get along well. And I do try my best to please her, she never is, she is the sort who over-worries everything and is very, very negative in everything. She has always found faults in me, and has only made me cry. I know she is immature and do try to tolerate her, but in this situation I do not think i will be able to bear her comments and harsh words... she has already damaged my self esteem a great deal since childhood.
    If there is one thing that's holding me back from splitting up with my husband, it's going back to live with her. My father is no help as well, as she has converted him to her thinking. My parents are a big example as well of what to avoid in any relationship, as spouses or parents.
    Am thinking that if and when I do get out of this marriage, I will try to live alone, or in a hostel, and tell my mother that she got me in this mess in the first place, and I need time and space to heal. I cannot go back to her with open wounds, she will hurt me more.
    Again, please pray for me!

    You are right, Leyla, that my husband's behavior can destroy my faith in love and trust. I did go through very dark periods when it happened the first two times. Now I just want Allah's help and become a very strong Muslim with deep faith.

    Yes, brother Wael, there have not been any incidences of physical zinaa, at least to my knowledge, but these repeated emotional infidelities have caused me great pain. I do believe in the sanctity of a marriage, and all he has done is violate that trust again and again.

    Thank you Marya for your kind and sensible words, they fill me with hope. Thank Allah for good people like you all in the world! May Allah bless you all infinitely!
    JazakAllah

    • Salam sister

      Wow your story sounds to striking similar to mine, i felt so heartened when i read this first thing in the morning.

      Your husband for one thing is definitly not worthy of you, if i were you i would just pack my bags and leave him, i know its easy to say but you really have to turn to Allah swt for support, you are caught up between lairs and cheats who will destroy your life.

      I would like to speak to you in person as your story really struck a chord with me
      email me if possible.

      Cuda hafiz

      • Ash, I deleted your email from your comment because it's not a good idea to post it in public. I can forward your email to the sister. You are a woman, correct?

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Salam Brother Wael

          Yes that would be fine if you can forward the ladys email to me,JAzak Allah

          Ash

          • Wa alaykum as-salam. I cannot give out anyone's email address without permission, but I forwarded your email to sister Abeer and she can write to you if she wishes.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As-salamualaikum,
      i toatally understand the situation with your parents, especially your mom. there are a lot of people who cannot undestand the depth of the situation. there are going to be pious and good people who will give you wrong advice in this situation. it's just something many people cannot comprehend, how can a mother be like that? you know the hurt and mistreatment you got, and you know a mother is not supposed to behave the way your mom does. the doctors had told me that i could die any second, and i went to somebody for advice and told her about my mom. and the lady just didn't get it. people think we don't understand our parents or that we must have done something wrong. i was the good girl who was always trying to please everyone.
      i can tell you that there are two very good sisters in our community right now who are divorced and have kids too. they are living by themselves.
      the other thing is i don't know you, but i can tell you how i was comming from a similar background as yours. for one, i was extremly scared of disagreeing with people or saing anything. this comes from being raised by parents who have emotional/phsycological issues, who emotionally blackmail you, who yell at you and accuse you when you are trying to make a point, and ..........
      and because of this characteristic, a lot of people who wanted to did mistreat me. because i didn't stand up for myself, i didn't say anything. when i did speak up, it was cursing, yelling, or threats from them. now i know it is them who were disturbed, and these reactions from them were like emotional blackmail or out of their mean character. i have learnt to expect such reactions from my mom, and when she is going on and on i just listen silently or change the topic or wait for her to change the topic. expect to be hurt. somehow we get hurt again and again from these people and we keep running back and thinking that maye this time things will magically be good. with my husband, i figured one thing. the way i used to get hurt by my mom, i did the same with him. time to go get my son from the bus, i had more to say but i can summarize it by saying read susan forward, dr. phil, and laura schlessinger

  4. Salaam Brother Wael

    Yes brother i am a female.

    Kuda hafiz

  5. your husband needs psychological help. he is your husband and u should do everything in your power to help him. Allah hates divorce. Allah hates divorce. While it is easy for us to say leave him he's a no good, you are the one dealing with it, it is u that have the feelings attacted to your case not us although we may sympathise. Find out why he does the things he do, maybe he himself does not know. However, if he is physically abusing u then that's another story. I am almost 100% certain that my husband has cheated on me. his father cheated on his mother. We have been married 6 years and have 2 daughters. He does everything for us even goes out of his way to ensure we are provided for and happy. Sometimes it was hard for me to deal with it but I am a muslim, and a strong muslim is better than a weak one. My family comes before my ego. Maybe he is my test.I find comfort in knowing that life is a test and we are all given only as much as we can bear. That one day this world will come to an end, this problem will seem so insignificant, and to think so much time was spent being angry, sad etc over it when we should have been doing things to make us happy. Our situations were per-destined why worry about the past we cannot change it but we can do better in the future. Duas changes destiny. I try to put my effort into being a good muslim, wife and mom. I forget about ppl and the whispers of satan who is waiting to see me fail. I will not be defeated by Satan. Allah is sufficient for the me. I hope your answer comes soon so u can start living again Insha Allah. Be a strong muslim sister. Be positive and don't delay your decision

  6. salaam sis. i feel so terrible, your story is similar to mine, only that i have three kids with him. we have been married for ten years now, he is in multiple relationships, he even brings them to my matrimonial home and sleeps with them any time am away. he spends so much money on them compared to what he spends on us his family. i am so sad n angry i have thought of leaving him many at times but i think of the kids future, pls advice me

  7. As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh

    Sister Hibah,

    May Allah rewad you for your words! You have sincerely inspired me this day!

    I too am having marital problems and have been for the last few years. However I am of the mental state that Allah Ta'Ala hates divorce. My reliance is upon Allah Ta'Ala in my situation. I am daily analyzing my life to see if I am in adherence to the Sunnah of our faith. I have begun to observe hijab again and pay attention with clarity to my actions. Making sure daily that I am not harming anyone. Being dutiful and obedient to Allah Ta'Ala is my greatest concern.

    Am I hurting yes! Am I experiencing pain yes! However I see this as you do as a test. I know for myself that I am not inniocent and that I will want forgiveness from Allah Ta'Allah on the Day of Judgement so I choose to forgive my husband. We wil begin counseling soon Insha-Allah after living apart for three months. I am excited because whatever Allah ta'Ala has destined for me I know that if I am living righteously it can only be for my good.

    Holding on now to the rope of Allah is all that I can do. For Allah and Allah only is in control of the heavens and the earth. Allah also has the power to turn hearts around. Sisters reading my post know that you may be the only hope that your husband may have to repent and come back to the fold of Islam.

    Yes in some cases divorce is warranted. Abuse whether physical or mental is Haram and grounds for a divorce.

    I pray that Allah Ta'Ala will guide each of you as you think about your marital problems. Your marriage belongs to you and your spouse and Allah Ta'Ala. Remember the covenant you made with Allah and your husband. Believe you have more power by making dua as a wife than after a divorce because you will be a non-mahram to him then.

    If I have said anything wrong it is from myself-Ameen

    Please as a Ummah keep me in your duas

    Your Sister in Islam,

    ~Kalia~

  8. Assalum alaikum,

    Readin sister Hibah's advice has made me stronger.

    I am in such a dilema about my 14 year marriage. I am a convert to Islam, i converted 14 years ago when i married my husband. He has always been such a good husband. He was married before and had 3 kids, his ex wife left him with the kids, i brought them up his youngest was only 2. I went through thick and thin with him, I always thought our marriage was rock solid, I supported him in everything.

    Now recently a friend of my husbands and this mans wife started comin to our house, they have 5 kids, we have 7 cus i have 4 of my own. The day before ramadan this woman sent my husband a txt sayin I luv u, I confronted her and him she denied it and so did he, before this txt I had my suspicions and the txt jus confirmed them. Then my husband got rid of his mobile because i asked him for itemised billing, he refused. Now he has a new number which he refuses to give me and he has it switched off when he is home. Recently when my husband was out with my eldest daughter, my daughter saw that ladies name in recent calls.

    I feel so hurt, because although i have no proof I know somethin is goin on, everyone warned me against this woman. After everything we've been through my husband is still lyin to me. And this woman took an oath on the quran twice saying nothing was going on to her husband. Even if they haven't done zina they are still sinning. Astagfirulla. I loved my husband so much but now i dont know what to think.

    I know this is a test of my faith, but i don't know if i'm strong enough. Please help, if sister Hibah has any more advice, i dnt want my marriage fallin apart, i have no one, my parents dom't want to know me and now my husband.

    Jazakallah

  9. Salaam Again

    I would like to point out that if a spouse is cheating then there is no such thing as saving a marriage as he already checked out on you.

    Allah swt has allowed divorce as a means to free oneself of unjust within a marriage, of course Allah swt would hate sin that was done which would lead to the divorce.

    We all know cheaters never change they just get better at lying, it will just be a vicious cycle of pain hurt for the victim, its even more difficult when there are kids are involved.

    Allah swt knows best

    Best of Luck

  10. assalamu Alaikum sisters,

    Why do our husbands cheat on us? I would love to know the answer. My husband has never admitted to cheating on me... but he has never denied it either. To find out about what goes on in his head I decided to ask him a series if indirect questions. He admitted to me that he takes me for granted. I don't dress like modern day women, I'm too conservative, don't 'party' too quiet, God conscious, don't shake his boss and friends hands, raise our daughters on Islamic values, remains inside when non-muslim family comes around (males) when I try to encourage my 5 year old to wear hijab occasional as practice he discourages it, i use to wear a nikab he felt that was for the 'desert' and his non-muslim friends also felt so. The worst part is his actions (clubbing, drinking, free mixing with females) tells me he is not a muslim. By the way he thinks nothing is wong with those things but something is wrong with me for the things I do! Why I am with this man can someone plz tell me?

  11. As-salaamu alaikum,

    Since my previous post things have changed greatly in my marriage. My husband and I met with an Imam and he stated that he no longer loves me nor does he desire me. He abruptly left our home after just three weeks after being apart for three months. At first I was devastated. However I am holding onto the rope of Allah. I know that Allah turns the hearts. I must be content and accept it.

    When I look at the quality of the marriage it wasn't a healthy one. My husband strayed constantly on the boundaries of halal and haram. This will eventually lead to the haram. I pray that Allah in His infinite Mercy will grant me a pious spouse-Ameen. I pray that Allah Ta'ala turns my husbands heart back to himself-Ameen.

    I must take this time to restore my self-esteem. It has been severely shattered.

    This isn't easy but the warning signs were clearly there. It's hard to let go but I must and I am.

    Your Sister in Islam,

    Kalia

  12. salaams

    I have been married for over 5 years and have a 3 yr old son. My husband has been seeing escorts and dating different women through chat lines and adult work. This apparantly started prior to my marriage with him although it was a love marriage. I have tried many ways to help him to inprove his life and to increase his imaan but to no avail. I have offered him help and allowed him to open up to me to discuss anything he is being distracted by but he has never taken the oppertunity. I bottled the pain for 5 years and then told my dad and his family. He was given a strong warning from my father and I decided to go Hajj to which I thought would help my husband and increase his Imaan. He only returned from saudi a week ago and it only took him two days and he spent an afternoon with an escort. I have temporary separated from him but I really dont know what to do. I want to know what I can do according to Shariah.

    I have decided to do Istikhara to ask guidence from Allah but I dont think I can ever trust him again and doubt will always be on my mind. Im just concerned about my son. He has appologised but its not enough to convince me. I have though of temp separation for some months to think things over but if i give him another chance I know hell do it again.

    I know that he will be seeing a moulana - Imaam to help him and a doctor but I dnt know if he is doing it just to prove to me. I am strong with my Imaan and he isnt. After returning from Hajj he even stopped his prayers and salat.

    I would appreciate if someone could guide me or advise me what I should do.

  13. salaam sister,
    i'm very sorry for the pain that you're going through. Of all the posts i have read you seem to have sincerly tried everything accordingly to Islam to save your marriage. You do sound like your Imaan is strong and you seem to be very forgiving and encouraging towards him. May Allah guide u on this matter.

    Today I'm fasting Alhamduillah and I will make strong dua for you and the other sisters with this problem. You have inspired me today to try harder to save my marriage . I just called my husband at work to say hi and we both shared a laugh about something trivial JazakAllah.

  14. Hi, I have to admit it gave me some comfort to read these stories. I was married to a muslim man who I fell in love with and we had the hardest time dealing with religion and family matters. I was eager to learn about Islam and adjust to the changes as I was learning and appreciating more about the religion, however, my husband seems to have the same kind of disease many of the previous husbands have here. I tried everything to help and please him in anyway possible. He cheated on me one time that we had a very difficult time and he moved out to his sister's house and he ended up having sex multiple times with a drugaddict who had just come out of jail. He had sex at his sister's house, in an appartment he rented, and then a few days later he came back crying asking me to forgive him and told me what he had done.

    As a loving and caring wife, I took him in and helped him get rid of that appartment, but I found out that when I went to work he brought that woman to our place and had sex with her in our bed. Only 1 day after we got rid of the other appartment, he ran out with that woman, after I helped him a lot. You can imagine how devastated I was, I felt used, betrayed, and so confused. He has always done the online thing, talking to women online but as far I'm aware he only cheated that one time. I never agree with the online habit but at times I would find out he was doing it and confronted him about it. Then, I went to find him at his work place and he brought me home saying he would be back to talk but then he ran away to his mother's house. He complained that I didnt cover or follow the muslim way, but how could I do that, when I was very discouraged by his behavior when he prayed 5 times a day, went to mosque every friday and pray at mosque every morning, and fast during Ramadan. My understanding is that Islam is suppose to make you a better person, thats not what I was seeing from him. I took care of all the bills, I worked full time and studied, and took care of the house and his needs, and whenever his family came, even sick and super tired from working I had to take care of them. I felt used in so many ways, but because I love him, I didnt mind.

    After 3 months I think being separated, he came back to me, and for 2 years we spent our time together as husband and wife, but he still was living at his mom's house, he seemed to understand each other better. As we still struggled with the past, I stopped fighting and arguing back his behavior and instead I start observing him, since we were talking about moving in together again and start a family.

    I came from a good family with values, and I believe in the santity of marriage thats why I forgave him and tried to save our marriage, but I also appreciate the values my parents taught us and how loving and caring they are with us, so I had to make sure that I was giving my children a decent father. It never bothered me for our children to be raised muslim, as I told him as long they have good values and they are good hearted people I'm ok with it.

    So, I stopped telling my husband about the online thing or other bad habits he has, I just wanted to observe if he is a good man on his own to father my children. He is very aggresive and turns violent out of nowhere, even in our happiest moments, with no drama or worries, he would just turn aggresive toward me for no reason at all.

    Also, I have told him that it seemed to me that he doesnt believe in Islam himself, because to say that you are muslim and to do the opposite doesnt count that you are muslim to me. To hurt your wife and then go pray is an insult to God. I always told him that I dont know much about Islam but if Islam was the way to God then you shouldnt be doing bad stuffs, God is not blind he can see you while you are chatting with women online, or smoking or drinking or being aggresive or else. How can you pray after you have done something bad and then go do it again?

    I realized that he wanted to have a muslim wife that covers and have children that are raised muslims as a cover-up to pretend to his family and friends, while he still wants to mess around with all kinds of women. I got the idea from him and his friends that muslims are pretending to be what they are not. Pretending to be good people by praying, fasting, saying Allahuakbar all the time, but then they had a hidden secret messy life. I saw the same pattern with him, his family and friends.

    I was raised different and thats what I wanted for my family, honesty, love, caring and a decent life. I know nobody is perfect but you can at least try. I encouraged him to pray, to go to mosque, to fast, I learned to cook his traditional meals, I was teaching him the value to help others, to give and not just expecting things in return. I was helping him to be a better person whether if he was muslim or not, you have to respect yourself, your body, your values, your family, and respect God.

    I was a virgin when I met him, he was my first everything, my first kiss, my first love, my first boyfriend, and my husband. I keep myself pretty clean of doing bad stuffs before I met him. I didnt get support from him financially or morally, and I have to say it was emotionally exhausting to keep on trying saving my marriage. Gosh it hurts so much even to think about it. I gave everything I had to give, I lost myself in the process of trying to be the best wife and beyond for him. I was understanding, I was flexible, I was caring and his best friend.

    He grew more arrogant, more cruel, more aggresive and I just stopped fighting back, but there was no way to mild his anger down. Even for reason I had no fault on, whatever he saw on TV or if he heard a story about other people, he always tried to relate it to us and got himself mad at me when I had said no word.

    About 3 months ago he left to another state to work, we kept in touch the whole time, but one day I heard him talking to his female coworker asking her to let him into her room in the hotel. He disrespected me in so many ways before and this was just too much. We had been to hell and come back in the last 4 years together, he came back from his trip, and instead of coming back he got himself angry and never returned and left to that state again. I havent seen him for 3 months now, and we havent spoken for almost 2. It just breaks my heart the way he treated me after I did so much for him and for us. I never got a good bye. I called him recently and he left the phone open for me to hear when a woman was asking him if he was better now with her, that if he doesnt do that anymore, meaning the texting and cheating I assume, in his shy lying voice he said he doesnt do that. After I texted him saying that I always knew thats all he wanted to be free to go and mess around, that woman called me pretending it was not his number anymore that it belonged to her and she didnt know who he was, when I recognized her voice and him talking in the background. At this point I really dont care what he does, because the only reason why he was not doing it was because I was with him, I kept him from doing bad.

    I just dont understand why he never wants to admit it to me, its like he always wants to leave the way back home open just in case he wants to return, but it will never be like that. I dont share that kind of life, I dont share my husband with anybody and I dont want to be corrupted with a messy life. You did it once, I forgave you, you do it again, its a habit there is no way of fixing that.

    But in the last few months, I just realized that it is not worthy, I dealt with a lot of pain and suffering, but as a mother I would never allow my children go thru something like that. So I was setting it in my mind that it was necessary to end, that I deserve so much better. I'm totally crushed right now, but I know my time will come when I will look back and realize this was the best decision for me.

    I did tell him that he needed professional help, in the most caring and loving way I told him, he is very compulsive, self destructive and he seems to have double personality, one moment he is happy the next he is the most cruel person, of course, his friends dont get to see that part of him. Thats what I got from analyzing him in the last few months, I stopped fighting or arguing back, I pleased him with whatever he asked trying not to make him mad, and just observing his normal behavior and when I saw his outburst, I would tell him in the spot "Look at yourself right now, why are you acting like that?"

    I realized this was more of a personal matter he has to deal with with professional help, of course, he is in denial and he thinks that I'm the reason why he acts that way, but before I met him he acted the same and with other people his temper changes as well. He doesnt think before he say or do something and always gets himself in trouble. He will harvest what he plants in life, and like somebody here said Cheaters never change they only get better at lying.

    I am very dissapointed of my whole experience with Islam and my husband. I am a true believer of God and doing the right thing, always helping and respecting others.

    You are not muslim if you dont do what you preach, it doesnt matter how many times a day you pray, or fast or read quram, if you dont respect God, others and yourself, you are not muslim. Thats what I told my husband to stop pretending because he was not fooling God, God is everywhere, he can see everything, even your heart and your thoughts. He can see you talking to other women online or in person, he can see you texting and sneaking out of your house to see that other person, he can see everything your wife doesnt see. So, if you are not clean in your heart and mind that you dont want to stop doing that, then re-evaluate yourself, your believes, and if you are ready to change your life around, to give up all those bad habits, then come to God and say I'm ready to follow you. Otherwise, dont call yourself muslim and talk about Islam while you are giving a very bad message with your actions.

    My love and my sympathy goes to all the other ladies in this discussion. I truly appreciate your stories, I am going thru this alone, no family or friends around and it is very very hard.

    Just remember that you are so much worthy than what that dirt is treating you like, you deserve so much better. Let them be in that messy crazy world they are in, God sees the honesty of your heart and he will grant you with the better life that you deserve. They will get what they deserve and they will never get somebody as good as you are.

    Give yourself the value you have and dont let them get you involved in their crazy world.

    God Bless you all.

  15. Assalaamualaikom

    I can so relate with most of you here. 🙁

    I just wonder: how can we make our husbands realize that what they are doing are haraam? Is there a particular dua that must be read every time we pray so that Allah subhanna wa taallah would go into their hearts and make them change for good? it seems that all the men in the world are cheaters...some are just too good at lying or hiding their secrets...

    I believe however that those amongst us who have the same problem have strong faith and what we are experiencing are trials. I do not want to fail in this life...I do not want to fail in my marriage. That is why, despite the fact that my husband has cheated on me, I still hang on to our marriage...it is really painful...but I know that Allah has reasons why I have to endure all this pain.

    Let us all be strong girls and let us remain in Islam. How I wish all of us will be gathered in one venue and make some action plans to make our marriages happy and last.

    • All men are not cheaters. There are many, many good Muslim men. I was married for almost 10 years and never cheated on my wife nor even considered it. So please don't generalize.

      There's nothing wrong with making dua' for Allah to change someone else; however, it's more important to change yourself. Stop tolerating infidelity and lies. You say you don't want your marriage to fail; but it has already failed. Your husband cheats, you tolerate it, and you are in pain. That is a failed marriage. An action plan is a good idea, but an action plan that consists of waiting and hoping, is no plan. An action plan requires action.

      By the way, even though my marriage ended in divorce, I do not consider it a failure. We were both faithful, we were happy for all except the last few years, we had many adventures, learned from each other, and produced a wonderful child Insha'Allah. So that, in my book, is a success. It's all in how you look at it.

      In your case, what matters is that you demand to treated with respect and do not accept anything less. If you can learn something from your situation, and bring about a better result for yourself in the future, then it's not a total failure.

      And Allah knows best.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Salaam again everyone...I chanced upon this website...just now....I think this is worth reading and pondering...
    http://hubpages.com/hub/howduachangedmylife

    Inshaallah through the islamic duas all our problems will be solved and we will experience eternal bliss...ameen

  17. Asalaamu Alaikum
    Can someone please respond to my question/comment

    I have the same problems with my husband. We have been married for almost 8 eight years. He has cheated, lied, deceived, etc in all 8 years. I tried with him, everything. I realised he does not want islam. I dont know if he is muslim. I am tired of trying to help him honestly.

    One day i begged him to tell me the truth. I was driving at top speed with my daughter in the car, i was not thinking because i was so hurt. He still could not deny cheating on me. I am fed up of trying.

    Every comment i read, i see that only the women are trying and enduring pain. While their husbands go about their same cheating life.

    HOw much more years should i give him before i realise he will not change?

    I can forgive him but i can not live with him in marriage. Can anyone understand that?

    He touched any women. Party with them and had sex. While married to me. Should I be ok with that really?

    Everyone in the family knows he cheats on me. Its embarassing.

    • Sister Hibah, wa alaykum as-salam. If you want a detailed response, then please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you would be that you should divorce him. This is why divorce is allowable in Islam, for situations such as yours. What you have is not a marriage but a farce. He has repeatedly broken the first commandment of marriage, which is fidelity. He does not deserve you. You cannot remain in this misery forever.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaamu Alaikum

      JazakAllah for responding.

      I will try one more time. I am going to find calm moment, peaceful place and tell him what i know for sure and ask what i do not know. Inshallah i intend to be calm to allow him every opportunity to speak the truth.

      If he does not admit anything. Then that tells me I am right and he does not intend to stop his ways.
      If he admits to cheating on me the marriage is over. I can not live with man who cheated on me. In my knowledge to was not one time, one woman but many times many women. I found condom in his pants.

      If he speaks the truth and he did not cheat on me anytime, then i will ask his forgiveness and ask Allah to forgive me also to accusing him and think wrong him.

      Either way, my life will never be the same.