Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unfaithful man + greedy family = disaster!

greed, greedyAoA

I am really depressed and don't know who to ask for help. At the moment I cannot trust any member of my family. Everyone is taking advantage of the situation and no one is trying to help and solve the issues here.

Last year my mother told me that she caught my father cheating on her. My father admitted to her and asked for forgiveness. He swore on his Mother (Allah bless her soul), his children and the Holy Quran that he wouldn't cheat on my mother again. But I couldn't believe my ears when my Mother told me few days ago that he is cheating again. This morning my mother confronted him and he admitted that he is married to this "Other woman" . Now this "woman" says that she is only after my father for money and she is not married to my father. She also confirmed  in front of my parents that they have physical relations.

My mother says she had enough and doesn't want to live with my father. They don't trust each other, they fight everyday and hate each other. So my mother has decided to get a divorce. But she says before she gets divorced she wants justice for all her kids. We are 3 sisters and 1 brother, all married and have kids. One of our sister got divorced and my parents financially support her and her 3 kids. Our only brother has severe mental issues. He was a drug addict too. He recently got out of mental hospital and he's on medication for lifetime.

My mother has asked all her children to gather and decide a punishment for our father. I'm very uncomfortable with this situation and don't know what to advise her??? I know what my father did to my mother is wrong, but my mother wants to leave my father penniless. She's talking about taking over his successful business and all his properties. Even his savings. She did mention about dividing it equally between all her kids.

My sisters say that as our brother is not capable of making his own decisions, We (sisters) should have equal share in all the properties with our brother. It doesn't sound right to me. I know from previous experiences that they are very greedy, they are always talking about how to get money out of our parents. I suggested to my mother that she should decide along with our father who gets what.

My mother is insisting us to come up with our suggestions so that everybody gets equal share. My father has worked hard for all this money, he doesn't deserve this. What is right ? what is wrong? I am too confused. Pls somebody help me. Is there a way to keep everyone happy? Are they being too harsh with my father?

(Sorry but i tried my best to keep it short.)

- hasq

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2 Responses »

  1. Dear Hasq, Asalaamualaykum,

    Wow, what a concoction of personalities you have in your family.

    Revenge, bitterness, love of money, hatred: these are all diseases of he heart and will do nothing but draw one away far from love for Allah and His Deen and sweetness of eemaan.

    Your mother is obviously very upset that your father has left her for another woman, who wouldnt be? She is going through a very testing time with a mixture of negative emotions, so she is vulnerable. If someone encourages her anger, jealousy and bitterness, this will fuel her desire to seek revenge. This will be destructive for her and for you all. She needs someone to understand her but to encourage her to be patient as this difficult time, as Allah promise that after every difficulty comes ease.

    As far as my limited understanding goes, there should be no argument over how your father's assets are split between you all, as the process of division has already been stated in the Quran and Sunnah. Whatever your father gives you and your siblings during his lifetime should be equal unless one has more need and the other siblings are happy with this difference. Whatever he gives after his life is inheritance and should be done according to the Quran.

    Having said that, I believe it is immoral for your mother and siblings to set out to overtake all his finances, this is a very evil act and will bring nothing but misery. Your mother should speak to a qualified Imam about her righs post divorce as she maybe entitled to some financial support, I do not about this.

    If your father has been supporting your divorced sister and your mentally ill brother, this should not stop just because he has taken another wife. Maybe part of your mother's apparent attitude is actually stemming from fear of being left alone to support her whole family.

    Seeing as you have maashAllah a wiser outlook on things, it may be a good idea for you to speak to your father privately. Ask him if he will continue supporting the family before, remind him of his responsibilities. You may find that he reassures you, hence you can use this to calm your mother.


    Life is so short sister, I would recommend for you to avoid involving yourself in these money matters and say Alhumdulillah that you have been blessed with a deeper understanding. Be the calming influence in your family and remind them that we will all have to answer to Allah one day.

    Remind your siblings that they need to give your mother moral support at this time and help her find inner peace through closeness to Allah, not fuel her anger.

    May Allah give you strength and eemaan to deal with your family well, aameen,

    SisterZ, Editor

  2. Hello,
    I am thinking your mother is worried for her childrens lives. She knows life will now be hard for her financially if she leaves your father. She would not be able to help her children. You should encourage your family not to give your brother money as he used to be an addict. Help for him shoud be more a home, vehicle, with an attachment that he can not sell them legally. That way it protects him from being able to use these things for money to buy bad things. Everything should be equal with all your siblings though. So whatever is given to your brother the same amount should be given to the rest of you.
    It is all stated when your parents married and through the Quran and Sunnah what is already given or will be given in the event of divorce.
    I know you feel these things are harsh towards your father. You love him. You love your mother. What your father did is a destroyer of families. HE has destroyed your family. He does need to have consiquences. Do you see where his actions now have all of you infighting and worrying? He brought this on himself. Men have a tendancy to say oh I just couldn't help myself. I didn't mean it. We all know that that is a lie. A woman can keep herself from committing adultery. It is a matter of integrity and choice. Now some women do cheat. Some men also stay faithful for life. It is a choice. Your father chose to destroy his whole family over the lust of another woman. Don't you think he should be ashamed of himself?
    I am Buddhist and it is forbidden as well to commit adultery. It is said that once the first act of adultery is commited in a marriage that marriage becomes null and void. Not when it is found out but when the act is committed. Adultery is a destroyer of all families. Families are most sacred in Buddhism and I'm sure in Islam.
    Would you steal from your employer? Would you walk up to another person and stab them to kill them? Would you get drunk and drive and have an accident? Would you lie to your Imam? I would hope your answers are no. All of these things destroy lives. Adultery is the most personal sin a person can do. The act of sex in a marriage is the most vulnerable and private and sacred. To do such a thing outside of marriage is horrid. Out of all these sins, killing, stealing, lying, intoxicants, adultery is considered the most harmful and distructive sin there is in Buddhism. Because it causes the most deep rooted betrayal to the whole family. The other four do not cause such a betrayal as adultery does.

    You say "My father has worked hard for all this money, he doesn't deserve this." You seem to have sympathy for him and his money(an object). Has your mother worked hard all her life to take care of her family? She didn't deserve that. Your mother now will have no husband. She in essence will be alone. While your father has another woman (possibly wife) to go to. A new family and has left(adultery) your mother and everything SHE has worked for in her life. He makes money. She makes the family. So the family she worked her whole life to take care of is destroyed and you worry everything he worked for(money) will be destroyed? What makes his money more valuable then her work making the family? This is why people still commit adultery they miss the whole viewpoint. All of the people can see the destruction of losing money(a visual object) but because what she has lost is not a visual object it is not considered as important. Yet it is just as important.

    There is a saying, "A woman's heart is like a glass vase. Once you break it, even if you put all the peices back together, you can still see all the cracks."

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