Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Unique/rare health condition – marriage/family stress

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Salaam All,

I am a 28-year-old Pakistani girl living in the USA, I come from a fairly modest and practicing Muslim family. And like any Pakistani family, my parents/siblings wanted me to get married when I turned 20/21 (I am the youngest sibling). I spoke to my parents that I do want to marry but not before 25/26 and also that I would like to find my own life partner and get family approval. They agreed to this and when I was 24 I met

I spoke to my parents that I do want to marry but not before 25/26 and also that I would like to find my own life partner and get family approval. They agreed to this and when I was 24 I met the person who I wanted to marry who at that I met through a mutual friend. We realised pretty quickly that we liked each other and that we wanted to proceed with things and get the family involved.

Due to some of his personal issues at that time (which I knew about but don't wish to disclose on this forum) he requested that he be given some time to sort his affairs out before introducing to the families which included getting settled on his 2 feet (having a stable job etc). I happily agreed to this and in the meantime, we only met in public places with other people present to spend time together etc. I had set the boundaries early on in the relationship that although I was liberal enough to meet etc and choose him as my life partner, I was not ok with any form of physical relationship. He is also a modest Muslim agreed to this and was happy just as long as we stay in touch.

As things got better for him and he felt comfortable he could approach my family, he spoke to his parents and siblings about me and I spoke to my parents and siblings about him. I met his siblings and he met my parents and both parties were very happy for things to progress and all that was in the waiting was for his parents to officially come to parents to ask for my hand.

Almost within weeks, he started having a rare eye condition issue which didn't get diagnosed straight away but the initial symptoms were increasingly poor eyesight which started deteriorating rapidly. Due to this, the family visitation got put on hold as he has surgeries and health check-ups of all kind which included international travel to other countries and required him to have full rest and take no stress. As you can imagine this put a strain on me to keep my family calm as they started to think he was making excuses or buying time etc.

Over time things got worse and even though I tried to be as understanding as possible with him and not give him any stress, I confronted him to tell me what I should do as my family were pressurising me to move on and find another guy. By this time we had become best friends and shared all our problems and stress together and we understood each other. Unfortunately, his health condition never got stable enough for him to proceed with things. He got diagnosed with Stargardt's disease (please google this to know what it is) but its basically when there is a loss of the central vision of a person. At the moment there is no cure for this disease and the only thing that can be done is to try and slow down the sight loss and maybe even stop it. And many people go on to live there live as normally as possible.

As all of this progressed I was extremely unhappy as I wanted us to get married so I could be with him and take care of him and be his companion. Please don't think that I have not thought this through. I understand that there are difficulties involved in a marriage where 1 person is partially blind but I have had a long time to understand the consequences and even after all the negative points that have been pointed out to me by himself (he feels my life will get ruined etc and my family think that I will easily forget about him and move on and be happy) I still would rather be married to him than any other person.

My issue now is that this whole scenario has taken place for the last 3 years and my parents who are quite old (as I was born late) keep saying that I need to get married in their lifetime. I love my parents and have always respected them and want them to see this happiness in their lifetime but at the same time I know I would be doing injustice to the man I agree to marry. I have genuinely tried to move on and meet other potential rishtah's through my family for the sake of my parents (as I asked them to start looking for me after saying no for a long time). I constantly feel guilty every day for causing pain to my parents to not saying yes to rishtah's but I can't seem to make anyone understand my dilemma.

I pray 5 times a day and read the Quran and I constantly pray to Allah to give me the strength to do what is right by my parents. I have tried to find someone that I can spend my life with and be honest to them but I know I don't have it me to give any person that kind of attention. Basically what I want is to concentrate on running my business and doing charity work for the rest of my life and that way at least I am an honest Muslim (yeah I know I won't get married and some aunties and uncles will gossip) but at least I won't be a wife who is not worthy of being married to someone and ruining his happiness. I know I have not right to marry anyone just to make my parents happy and make them unhappy but I am scared of committing this crime.

I know getting married is a sunnah and there was a time when I was happy to do this. Even now I have told him that if he ever changed his mind I would happily say yes without thinking twice. I have said yes to my parents to look for someone for me - but I scared of backing out and giving my parents pain as they will never understand why I can't just move on and marry another person. And I am scared of going ahead because I will end of being married to someone who doesn't deserve a person who is not emotionally available as a life partner.

If anyone has any useful advice please let me know.

Jzk

zara1987

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2 Responses »

  1. Walaikumassalaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    The person that you're willing to get married is he a very good muslim - like a Mu'min?

    Muslim is someone who believes and is struggling to practice and live by the way faith prescribes for him/her.

    Mu'min is one who has already achieved that and already lives the way the faith prescribes.

    If he's a Mu'min, then you need not worry about getting married to him or the problems that you would face in the future because of his sickness and you could also wait for him to get fully treated until you can get married.

    I say this because if he is not a good Muslim, then who is going to guarantee you that he is going to get better or that you two would get along after marriage or how is he going to take care of you given his sickness? But if he is a Mu'min, Alhadullilah! and if he were to ask Allah's help, Allah would definitely take away his sickness and your marriage would be blessed and you'd have a good future too.

    If he is not a good Muslim, then leave him for Allah's sake and Allah would give you a very good husband who would be not only very healthy physically but also spiritually, Inshallah

  2. Okay sis, if you met him at 24 and now your 28 and he still hasn't married you then it has been a long time.

    And a guy that had severe depression wanted to marry me but he just needed the permission of his Peer which I find quite absurd. And btw we were never in a relationship. This 'Peer' didn't like me because he wanted this man to marry his daughter, he ended up marrying the daughter after many years but I made so much excuses for this man, it was unbelievable. I wasted 4 years of my life on this man and trust me I learned some lifelong lessons. I got into such a state trying to get this so called Peer's permission that I drove myself into severe depression too.

    I learnt life long lessons and number 1 lesson is when a man doesn't marry you, then make a SWIFT exit and never ever look back.

    Of course, sis, Shaitaan will be there to confuse you making a billion excuses why this is the man 'the one' for you. Even the man that I wanted to marry in the past, maybe he was a really nice person but if someone doesn't offer you marriage, you have to force yourself to MOVE ON. I will give you tips, delete his number and do not ever look at his social media and busy yourself in other matters/

    This guy told me to move on but I ignored him and when I got the shock of my life and he married someone else, that is when I even went through another crazy phase of thinking I could be his second wife. I went mad over this man until I finally learnt to let go. But sister he has made his decision whatever his reasons he doesn't want you in his life, respect that and look at other men to marry.

    One day, you will get over him but you have to tell yourself, I wish him all the best in life but he hasn't chosen me and just make so much dua that you can move on and find someone else to marry. Do not deprive yourself of marriage just because you couldn't marry this man. Btw sis, if you ever need any help on anything just respond to my comment.

    And tbh with you so many woman who actually marry and divorce get remarried for a second time despite a failed relationship and I know you are really attached to him but keep an open mind to marrying someone else in the future.

    Our destiny is written, you make like a thing which is bad for you and you may dislike a thing which is good for you. Allah knows. So many of us have been through similair situations and you will get through this inshallah.

    "When Allah (swt) decrees that a door in your life is to be opened, no matter how hard you try to close it, no matter how far you run away from it, it will remain open until you walk through it.
    When Allah (swt) decrees that a door is to be closed, no matter how many times you knock on that door, try to break it down, or cry on your knees in front of it, begging it to open again, it will never be opened.
    Grieve in front of the closed door if you must. Stand there for a time and look at it. Memorize its shapes, its lines, and its indentations. Hold your hands over your heart and press down to calm its quickened, pained rhythm.
    Then know—know beyond the shadow of a doubt, know in your heart of hearts—that when you trust Allah and walk forward, He will open a more beautiful door for you. You will walk through it and perhaps you will even praise Him for having closed the past door you loved so much.
    He is al-Fattah, the Opener. May the doors He opens for us always lead us back to Him." - written by Asmaa Hussein

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